Since I've had Charlie (my silver baby car) I very seldom walk anymore.  From taking the bus to school/daycare/work/store whatever..... i've gotten a little lazy about my walking.  On both of my breaks and on my lunch break, I have been walking again, and then sometimes when I get home.  Wifey and I tkae the kids to the elementary school and walk the track while the kids play.  It worked at the old school, why not now.  i thnk my pants are getting looser and I've noticed that I have more energy,.  Still not noticing much else.  I havn't been eating either.  The news meds the doc has me on keeps me from eating all the time.  maybe it's helping/maybe it's not.  we'll see I guess. 

Today was the first full day of summer vacation!  The smaller two kids are staying with a friend of mine this summer, and Toadman is old enough to stay home alone.  I'm so proud of all three of them.  There is a little girl outside that asked about Toadman today.  I'm not ready fo rhim to like girls with bras yet!  Isn't he supposed to be a baby forever?

Toadman: (calling me at work) Mom can I have some chocolate cake?

Me: Ok, but only one piece save some for after dinner.

Toadman: Whats for dinner?

Me: Corn Beef, it's in the crock pot.  Doesn't the house smell delicious!

Toadman: ......oh

Me: Toad what did you do to our dinner.

Toadman: I thought you made me a snack, but it was really good

 

 

*that kid is going to eat me out of house and home*

The great thing about meeting up with some people from the past is like it's a brand new friendship.  i met some people again this weekend, mostly people that one of my sisters went to school with, but we still had a great time!!  Then i went to the Depot and sang for awhile, I'm better at singing with a microphone now.  I don't have to belt out as hard.  The mic does it for ya ;-).  After driving (when I probably I shouldn't have) and making it back to my dads I fell asleep.  It's been weird at my dad's since him and GA split up.  He's got a new woman in his life and they are getting married.  I still don't really know what to think about her.  She seems nice enough, but I lovefd GA.  I don't know what to do without her.  I know I can still talk to her, but it's really really hard, and it really confuses the kids.  best to just move on and let it happen.  I'll deal with the new step-mom I suppose.  I prolly won't love her like I did GA though.  I don't loike it that my kids want to call dad's new g/f gramma.  They have enough gramms as it is, and pardon me, but she hasn't been around longer than the first of the year.

On my way to RTOWN for my highschool reunion type party.  I have a fab new shirt and a killer black micro mini and the most awesome necklace you've ever seen.  10 bucks to get in and all the beer you can suck down.  i am so excited!  more about my exciting night when i get back to town.

Making changes to this.  I'm backk online now, and I've really missed my blog.  Taken me 2 hours to get it all together again.  Now I'm wiped and I'll write more another time dear reader.

well about 3 weeks ago, i had heard some scuttlebutt about a trip to hawaii coming up soon.  I didn't think much of it.  To be honest ther eare people where iw ork that are much better at what they do, and have tons more senority that I do.  I never thought anyting of it!  Friday, my boss told me that I will be going on the Hawaii trip.  I thought she was joking at first.  I stood there with a doepy grin on my face!  Waited for the other shoe to drop.  After a minute, I heard myself say "you're not joking are you?".  Wednesday?  I'm flying out to the Island state!  I am going to Hawaii!  I don't get to take the kids.  They will be staying with my neighbo.r.  I have to bring her back hawaian tales of the erotic and 100.00.  Which isn't bad at all.  I leave here early early Wednesday morning and come back Sunday midafternoon.  Arriving here here at 3:30ish PM.  I know it will be work work work.  Maybe I'll be able to tour a few museums and go to the ocean.  I have to fly over water too.  Never done that.  hell i've never been to hawaii!  I'm so excited!  I need new shoes.  Something to go with my cute little outfits.  Yes, I went shopping.  i'm so excited I couldn't help it!  so for 3 days, I'm going to be saying Ahloha, and Aloha.  Then I might say Aloha again.  3 days of sunshine and freedom!  No kids, no kids  Its going to be like a work vacation.  I will have to go party at least one night.  From what bit told me when we were still talking, honolulu can be kinda scarey at night.  So maybe i'll jsut venture into the hotel lobby.  pick me up a cute bartender.  Never know!  Listen to me, planning like I'm not there to work.  I am going to promote Jr Girls there because in the whole state of hawaii we do not have one Unit!  Uncalled for!  There is all types of army personell on that isdand!  I'm going to really push for the Units to be promoted more.  maybe even recruit a Unit while I'm there.  If you can't tell, I'm so excited.  less than 2 days away now! 

Lil bit lives in Hawaii  I tried to get ahold of him about a week ago.  He's still pissy.  He's worse than a chick sometimes.  He's going to wait so long that it will be really uncomforable when he calls.  THen it will be too long and he won't call at all.  Sad to lose someone I thought of as a close friend.  I thought about looking him up while I'm in Hawaii.  To surprize him.  I don't want to cause a scean though.  WHat if he tells me to buzz off, that he doesn't ever want to see me again.  He already has kinda done that already.  Just nto in so many words.  Its something I'm thinking about.  But, I will NOT let it ruin my frist and probably ONLY trip to Hawaii

Well elections have passed.  My guy got it, let's hope he can turn things around.  I worked at the polls for 3 huors on election day.  Doodle but is now one of the modles for the cover of live united!  the girl that took the phots of him an dhis big brother loved them so much that she is going to use them alot in their ads and such!!  my best bug walter bailey and his bitch g/f broke up.  bout time really.  I didn't like her, she was messing around on him the entire time.  glad he seen it, that way i didn't have to tell him.  parent teacher conferences went well, all of the kids are doing great.  I decided that it's best if i treat lil bit like he died.  i'm beginning to hate him again.  he's no good for my self esteem and he always hurts my feelings.  I don't "love" him.  did i ever realyl?  or was that the girl in me that did.  regardless of why, it's over now.  foreverr, i could care less if i ever seen him again.  he's a self rightous asshole.  (setttles her blood pressure) 

Other than that things are great.  The chiropractor and i are still "lunching".  he wants to meet the kids.  that scares me, he may have to hit the road.  so  not ready for that.

have a great rest of the weekend!

 

Yay It's Saturday!!!!  All week long i've b een waiting for this day!  What a long week.  Have I mentioned how much i love my job?  I really really do, as long as no one else in the office talks to me or others me.  All these really rude people, b itching at each other.  the few people that i do like?  well, let's just say, i like them because i don't know them very well.  Which makes me bitchy and i tend to get stressed out when i get bitchy, and then i get these damn headaches.  I still havn't lost it yet.  it's always there in teh back of my mimnd, nagging like an old lady on the pot needing toilet paper. 

ive been reading alot again.  i seem to go on spurts.  dvr'd tv, movies, and books.  I guess you could say, i like to sit around  LOL.  mos tpeople like excirsizing, cooking, o rmaybe whittling!  Not me I like to sit on my big fat butt and watch TV!  (or read). 

Today, i have to do laundry, its been cold and i havn't wanted to get out of the house for anything extra (unless nessessary, like something imortant). 

Toad is still doing well with his father.  they are spending alot of time together.  his dad bought him a video game.  crash.  the problem is?  joshua has done nothing but play video games.  school work isn't getting done.  chores aren't getting done.  he's staying up 1/2 the night wide awake in bed.  Howwever on the flip side of that.  i've never seen toad so happy.  he says "dad" like a good thing now, instead of "dad" being spit out of his mouth like a bad word.  bug and tude had their halloween party at school.  i didn't get to go, that whole work thing.  but it was fun listening to them talk about it.  maybe i'll go to the christmas one.  work is really crazy sometimes, and i have prblems finding time to be away from work.  Not because of my choice believe me.  Have I mentioned that work is really kicking my ass?

I met teh Doc (the chiropractor) for lunch yesterday afternoon.  actually, we met for a bowl of chips and 2 sodas.  LOL.  we got to talkin about movies and i completely lost track of time.  I was 15 mintues late coming back from lunch.  Thank god my boss wasn't sitting in my chair.  That would have been the end of my "light and healthy" lunch.  LOL. 

Today, my house needs some TLC.  Dusty and grime everwhere, my new place is so cute when it's all fixed up.  not bad of chips on the table, empty pop can sitting on a chair, kids school papers scattered all of the place.  Ithink there is a 1/2 a bag of donuts floating around this house somewhere too.  Toad is going to work with his dad today, and Bug is going on an outting with a classmate (and then returning for a sleep over).  his friends family is picking bug up at 6pm to go.  So toad lives in about a hour, even though they should have left at 6am.  Maybe I'm just old fashoined about weekend work though.  get up and get it done early.  don't sleep 1/2 the day away and then expect to get anythhhng done.  (lilmiss ally-tude just asked me: as you writing to yourself because your upset?)  sheesh, that kid!  time tto go play super-mommy!!

ive been fighting a huge headache.  been fighting it for 3 days now.  the first night, if i would have felt better i would have drove myself to the ER.  luckily i had super-toad to help me.  my friend gloss who lives upstairs watched the younger two for me so that I could get some rest.  light senbsitivity, smelly smells, and sensitive ears.  ocmbine all of those things and you have one sick girl. 

 

i felt better after i wrote my last blog entry.  i didn't realize how much crap i keep pent up inside my little head.  sometimes it helps to get it all out sometimes.  Till Lil bit called and said "u were pregnant?"  i wanted to hit him.  if he would have been clsoer i might have.  stupid drunk boy (rolls her eyes)  we are gearing up for halloween.  tomarrow i need to start sewing tude's outfit together, bug is just going to  have makeup, and toad is saying he's too old for trick or treating.  bug is going to be some type of scarey ninja, and tude is going to be a fairy.  l"like tinkerbell mom- but not tinkerbell".  i have a halloween shirt to ewear to work, so that will be cool.  my mom got the kids halloween shirts too.  they are going to be so cute!!!   i need to get some orange ribbon for ally-tude's hair.  we still havn't decorated for halloween yet.  i don't know if we will this year.  seems to be a big waste, we aren't even home much lately. 

in other news, thanksgiving is coming up and so is christmas.  even better news?  Lil Bit is coming home on December 05(ish).  he'd going to be stationed in kansas!  Yay!  be good to see  his old ass again!

In other enws, i have had 2 dates with the chiropractor now.  he's ok i uess.  there aren't many sparks.  we ahve great conversation though, he's very intelligent.  and he has a great sence of humor!  however, he has these annoying little habits..... we'll see how it goes.

Ever sence Toad started talking to Dale, I've been in a downward spirla.  It brings up old hurts and haunts that I have pushed back for years and years.  I know that I have told the story about my adoption.  However, maybe it's time I just do this instead of stupid litle stories.  Maybe it's time just to let it all out.  So here goes the story, for whats its worth.  Famous last words of a fool.

 

I had a decent childhood.. I really did.  Grew up in a small town.  Played softball, went to town fairs.  Met an older boy and thought I had fallen in love, teenage style in the front seat of his brothers truck.  Met little bit before that, but didn't know him like that til my sophmore year of highschool.  Needless to say, lil bit and i were very much in love, so i thought.  my parents where splitting up then.  my dad was an alcoholic and when he drank he swang his belt too much.  my step mother had grown cold and distant to me over the years.  i never felt like i belong with anyone or anything.  i felt like i was the lone soldier.  fighting this was called life.  Lil bit felt the same way, at some points i wondered if everyone felt like we did, but that didn't come till much later.  things ended badly between me and my dad, and lil bit moved out of his mothers house and basically became homeless with me.  to protect me, to show me that he really did love me.  a few years went by.  I got pregnant.  Lil Bit and I did, we were so happy,.  Finally a family, one of our own.  to us, we weren't normal 17-18 year olds.  to us, we had lived life enough to know what the difference was between being a child and being more.  When i went to the ER they said that i had been 4 1/2 months along.  I don't know if there were right, i was thinking almost 3 months along.  I had serious female issues, and lil bit had a problem of his own.  all that time we had sex, we never took procautions.  we wanted this, and i belikeve to this day we did.  We couldn't get pregnant again.  Bit was torn up about it, and i was too.  he was so upset, it's like he looked through me after that.  I started seeing other men, to sleep with them.  i just wanted a family so bad, one that was ine and one that would love me forever.  they would never leave me, i would love them and show my family what loeve was and how to love one another.

Bit and I grew farther and farther apart.  i couldn't take the loneliness anymore, i couldn't take how alone i felt.  in arkansas, the only family around was bit's and they couldn't stand me.  i don't know if they hated me, but they definetly did not accept me, or even enjoy my company. 

I met a guy down there, mark.  he fell for me, and i told him i didn't want anything romantic with him, i loved someone else.  he threatened to tell bit.  i had cheated once befor and knew that bit would leave me.  he had told me in no uncertain terms .   I'll never forget it.  the look on his face.  "Stacey, I love you, I can't do this.  If you love me swear to me, swear to me you'll never do this again... I won't come looking for you, i won't talk to you, i'll forget you".  and I believed him.  so instead of owning up to my responcibility, i left.  i went back to R-Town, and then I went to oregon for a couple months.  the first few weeks in oregon, there were terrible.  I cried and cried.  I didn't get out of bed for the first 2 weeks.  I just cried.  I got up when everyone else was at work, or when i knew they would be asleep.  I was a shell.  I was just a big glob of mush with frizzy hair and existed, but that couldn't live without m y other half.  Suicide crossed my mind alot back then.  different ways, different things to do.  step in front of a bus, drown in my uncles hot tub, gun shot to the head (although i didn't like that, too messy, too much work).  i did eventually find a job.  i worked in a tshirt factory.  worked for an arab (before they were called terrorists).  at first he was cool, brought me a soda on break, talked to me about my life.  till one day while i was in his office he took off his shirt and sat in front of me, he wanted me to rub his back.  he told me he'd pay me extra on my check.  the man was married, had a baby on the way.  i was young and scared.  i did it, i rubbed his back.  I didn't rub anything below the shoulder blades, but the moaning and grinding of his teeth was enough to know that what i was doing was wrong.  small town farm girl was not doing right.  It went on like that for a month.  i never told anything to anyone at that time.  my dad had lost his job.  we were living off of my income.  we werent doing great on money and I knew that I needed to make more.  i mentioned to my boss.  he offered me more money if i would rub him in "other places".  I consented (over the pone) and then went to finish dinner with my family.  I sat next to my dad.  my grandparents were there (before granpa died-which still kills me) my uncles and aunt and their two children, myself and my dad.  I said that i needed to say something.  and then i blurted it all out.   right there at dinner.  my uncle and dad were pissed.  i thought my grandpa was going to have a stroke.  my grams face turned to stone, while my two cousins, still young enough to be innocent, started in wonder and hourror.  i went to pick up my final check and my uncle went with me.  i never went back to work ther and my dad and i came home.  hoem to r-town.  when we came back, my i felt this need to find my sisters.  i coudn't be without them.  my step mother had shown me through the years how much she realoly didn't care for me.  i heard her tell her sister a few times that she couldn't stand "that bastard".  I knew she was talking aboout me.  i was the bastard, no mom, only my dad and her??!  it made sence to me then.  i went to find my sisters.  i drove country roads in warsaw, where they werre living, in the ozarks.  i just wanted acceptence.  i wanted to see them to touch them, to know that i wasn't really alone.  even though all this time with my dad, i still felt alone.  i had met my real mom by then.  i felt i had the right.  i coudln have 2 moms, what could be better!  little did i know that my step mom would disown me for it, because she felt slighted.  i know i hurt her, and i didn't mean to.   i was just so aone, so very sad and lonely.  at this point, i turned up just her telling me to get lost, to take a hike, she didn't want me, and that my sisters didn't either. 

I had made a padcct to myself.  I would have a family.  or it would kill me.  i couldn't live through life like this.  i couldn't be alone anymore, it was too much and i was done trying and fighting.  I remember the pact very well.  I would do it.  I would jump off an overpass and stright into the path of a semi.  I would be killed instantly, i wouldn't survive.  none of this living in a veggie-state or putting my "family" through anymore than they needed to.  they would put me in the ground and move on, within a few months it would be like i hadn't existed.  (dear god this is hard to tell).  I would be out of my misery.  The only thing that would save me, is a family.  love.  companionship, loyalty.  i had lost all of that.  all that i held dear, all that i loved and cherished.  i coulnd't be a functioning person worth a damn without those qualities.

The day that i made that pact with myself, it was 8:00am.  by 10pm i was in the arms of toad's biological father Dale.  i told Dale i didn't want him, i just "needed" him.  he took it as love, i took it as "just sleep with me" and i didn't care.  after about 10 minutes being aroudn this guy I really couldn't stand him, but i put on a front.  no other prospects in site, i was biding my time.  90 days.  3 months.  after 3 months, if nothing then ok, the choice has been made.  i didn't pray, there was no need, it was just the way it was for me.  and it all seemed so clear.  ii missed my first period, and took a test.  it showed positive.  i moved in with dale.  we lived in Polo, which is about 15 min north of R-twon.  which is literally in the middle of nowherre, and we lived 15 minutes west of that!  we lived on 120 acres.  he would be gone for a few days at a time, no phone, no car, but i had food and shelter.  i preferred it that way.  i didn't have prenatal care till i was 5 months pregnant.  there was no way.  my dad had gotten mad that iw as pregnant by a moron, and refused to come out to see me.  and that was fine with me too.  i had all that i needed.  those 9 months were the happiest of my life.  i had purpose i had meaning!  I had a reason to live.  i had found my tao, and all of the wonders associated with it.  dale wasnt' supportive, i didn't care.  i had my baby.  i felt myself living again.  humming to myself, talking to the baby, rubbing lotion on my swollen belly, talking about names.  all alone, and happier than thell.  dale really resented the fact that i cut him out of it.  when i told him i wanted to leave him, i was 9 months pregnant, due any days.  he told me that he'd never let me leave with them baby he'd kill me first.  it didn't matter at that point, i knew that i would have to leave like befor, just do it.  and i did.  aft   toad was born in the middle of an ice storm, took us 3 hours to get to the hospital.  but we did it.  too k me 3 days to have him and then another full week in the hosital afterwards.  when toad was 5 months old, i conned dale to take me to town (with the baby) and then asked him for the car keys to listen to the radio, and then i drove off and left him there.  i waved as i left.  g   in my mind, "good ridence".  i was moving on.  and i did.

i met satan (my exhusband) and had a coupe more kids.  tried to raise my family the best i could under the circumstance. 

flashforward to prsent day...

toad was damaged by satan.  satan belittled him and abused him.  treated him wrongly and accused him of horrid and terrible things.  told him i'm not your dad, tell your mom to find another sucker to be your father.  little bastartd!  even after i left himm, it still didn't stop.  he hated me and knew the best was to hurt me was through the kids.  he coudn't do that to his own kids, so he did that to mine.  i hated him for that, i still do.  so does toad.  it's starting to show.  toad is being disrespectful to the teachers and school and acting out toward the male teachers.  ive been taking him to a therapist.  the doc says that he has an abandonment issues.  that he feels detached and worthless sometimes and that he needs to have more love and patiance.  he also wanted to meet his real dad.  dale was all that josh wanted.  the acceptanc e and the love that only dale could give.  all these years i had been trying to love him enough and all these years of loyalty and dedication.  and i wasn't enoughl.  yeah dale and toad seem to be haiving a good relationship.  toad has unrealistic goals and i pray every night that dale doesn't let him down.  just to not hurt my baby.  and then it hit me. the throwing up.  the headaches.  ive literally been sicker than hell for 2 weeks.  people ask me whats wrong and i tell them nothing, and they just look at me with such pity.  they don't know me, they don't know all of this, quit looking at me like that!!!   i want to be left alone.  i cry all the time, i had a dream about my step mother, first one i've had in a long time.  i couldn't have been older than 4 or 5, but she was brushing my hair and rocking the baby.  who would have been my sister Chris.  all these years i thought that i had my family.  MY family.  one of love and loyalty and commitment, and now, i find out it was all a facade.  it wasn't real.  even my baby sister RiRi and I havn't spoken in years now.  and i miss her, but she won't talk to me.  i want to scream at my step mom who adopted me.  scream at herj "how could you do this to me!  i was a child i needed you!!  you hateful bitch!"  !!!   i want to run to little bit and throw myself in his arms and cry till i have no more tears.  i want to hold my holdest boy and rock him but he doesn't want me anymore.  i refuse to get the same attitude that my adopted mom had.  i want to be able to love everyone and not turn them away because i'm angry or hurt.  most of all, i just want everything to be normal again.  to be happy and flow smoothly, and not to have all these people trying to but in.  i don't hate dale.  i just worry about my son.  and i don't hate my eveil stoep mom, but it's easier to say that than to say she destroyed my sence of loyality and family.  i don't want to blame my dad, because he did what he knew how to do, right or wrong. 

I don't know where i'm going anymore.  life is out of my control, and i don't know which way is up.  i feel all these emotions that i havn't felt in years.  and i'm trying to help towad, showing him i know what it's like, i've been there.  but he doesn't care he's young.  and i feel soo damn alone, so alone that you would have no idea.  the only one that i want to talk to about it is lil bit, and i can't bring myself to put it into workds for him. 

I know that things will look brighter on another day, but for right now, i think it's killing me all over again.  Love, Loyalty, Compassion, and Love.  The basic buildling bricks of a family, and all of my stones seem to be crumbling.

Toadman has been having problems at school.  Defiant, moody, tardy on a constant basis.  Middle School is really hard, i remember.  Toad's goes a little deeper than that.  His therapist has been sayin gthat he's been talking about his .  He has his big brother, he has my dad.  For Toad, I guess that hasn't been enough.  So I did what the therapist asked me about, i got ahold of Dale, Toad's real dad.  Dale and Toad talked on the phone for  weeks or so, then all of a sudden, they met.  Toad has been on cloud nine, toad is so forgiving and accepting.  I personally hate dale.  he's neve rbeen there for toad, never was never was.  Now all of sudden he wants to start calling him dad, and he wants to spend time with him.  I don't know if Dale will stick around, I dodn't know if this is going to last very long.  I'm nervous, consantly waiting for th other shoe to drop.  It's making me sick, was home sick on wednesday, then came hom eyesterday from work, I had thrown up and wet my pants.  Pretty freakin sweet eh?  I was so humiliated. 

I had also decided that the kids and I should start attending church again.  why not?  we are a family, and sometimes we do need spiritual guidence, just like everyone else.  I took the kids to breakfast after church, posted below is the picture that we got from there.  I do have to get ready for work, maybe i'll write more later.

Put in 11 hours today.  talk about a long day.  Needless to say, I really didn't feel like cooking!  Whats the best thing to do on a tuesday night?  Pizza Street of course!  Kits 2-9 eat free!!   Toad is 11 now, so he's full price.  but it's still a good deal.  Pizza street is an all you can eat pizza joint!  Thank god too.  TOadman ate 10 plates of pizza.  10 plates!!!  thats not counting ice cream and soda!  I do believe that kid is going to eat me out of house and home.  His voice is cracking now, puberty is kicking in.  He's still short for his age, but he's getting kidna chubby, in other workds he's getting ready to grow again!!I was running late last friday morning and grabbed socks and some shoes and ran out the door.  got to the new daycare to drop off the kids, and went to put the shoes on.  they felt funny, but they fit fine.  I got out of the car and looked down?  they were toad's shoes!!!  my son has the same size feet that i do.  and i don't have tiny feet.  i wear an 8 1/2!

 

 

Here is our conversatio at that day:

 

Me: (caloling on my way to work):  Toad I think i've got your shoes on

Toad: so what am i supposed to wear

me: wear your old shoes

toad: they are dirty and they don't match

me: then wear my shoes

toad: mom are you crazy?

me: maybe put shoes on and get to the bus stop

toad: can i wear the red heels?

me: if it gets you to school, it's your feet

toad: yeah i'll get beat up wearing girl shoes, you better not do this again

me:  better hurry your going to be late!

toad: it's gonna be hard to run in high heels but i think i'll be ok    gotta go lova ya bye

 

 

he's got a great sence of humor, but somehow him joking about wearing my red strappy sandles .... well.... its doesn't sit very well... even though he was joking   

I can't believe it's already October!  Seems like this year has just flown by.  I know I havn't been writing.  I havn't known what to write about.  Actually, I'v e had alot to write about!  Just havn't known how to put it into words.  I figured out that Lil Bit, has never changed.  He's still the self righteous hypricritical snot nosed brat that he always was.  I fell in love with that?!?!  been talkin to the Denny's Boy briefly (Danger will robinson danger). 

 

In other news the kids are doing great.  Middle School agrees with the Toad, and Bug and Tude are loving their new elementary school!  Work is going and going.  They are moving my area to a different area (did that make sence?).  Yes I still plan on building another blog.... i just had 9 pending requests for my writing, nice to be loved.  when i get the new blog up and going 'll let ya knoww

blog changes are fo the best.  Especially when you finid out that your worthless exhusband and your estranged sister are reading your blogs.  Its been hard to get back into my wwriting.  I feel weirdpeople that I don't want around me reading what I write.  It hampers myu writing and then I let my blog go.  I think that I'm going to start a new one.  If you would like to email me I will send you a link to my new blog.  Thanks for being my constant reader. 

the kids have gotten amazingly big!  They are growing so much that it seems I'm missing it all.  Toad is growing up so big! His voice is cracking now.  He has started getting long hair under his arms.  (and has a strict no camera policy)Imagion that!  He starting to notice girls.... my baby boy :(   Doodlebug is growing really fast lately.  Him and \Tude don't look like twins anymore.  bug is a head taller than her now.  Tude of course will always be the same.  Sweet innocent evil little girl in the world.  Of course she is... she's my baby angel.  The kids love being out of that city.  Out of the craziness.  Finally time to slow down and relax.

 

E.

Well I decided not to let Toad's big brother put him in backsetball, or karate or anything else.  I didn't feel right about it.  I've learned, trust my gut.  However I did find a pretty cool website.  For those of us that love to read, and are huge Dean Koontz fans, check out the below link. 

 

 

check out the webisodes.  If you like the Odd Thomas series you will love this!!!

As for the point of this blog.  Its to write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.  Lately, I have not really been looking at my blog.  I havn'thad time to write.  Not that I don't think about writing and what I'm going to say, but just because I just get busy.  Sometimes something stops me in th emiddle though.  Like today....

 

I got the boy s involved in the big brothers big sister's program.  Bug has been hangin with Walker for almost 7 months now.  Walker is a great role model.  He's bright and intelligent, very well mannered, has very good morals and extremely good ethics.  Bug loves him.  I think he loves Bug too.  They are going to the Chiefs game on Saturday.  It's a surprize B ug has no idea.  Walker told him that he has a surprise for Bug, but will give bug one hint per night.  Thefirst hint was that it started with the letter F.  Every day bug will get one more hint.  I know the clue though.  It's going to be "How far can you see in a sea of red".  Needless to say, a great match.

Toad had a big brother that was married.  Therefore Toad has a"big couple"  He was ok, but she was pretty pushy.  I got the boys involved in the program for a male role model.  Because the big brother was married, his wife had to be involved.  She was the one who always picked him up.  She always dropped him off.  Whenever they called to set up an outing, she was the one that called.  They never called him just to say hey.  Needless to say,l it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.  I mentioned it to the worker at the office of big brothers big sisters, and she told me that i needed to be excepting.  i reluctantly agreed to allow toad to be with this big couple.  About 2 months after that, just disapeered.  They never called Toad again, they didn't send him a letter.  They didn't even tell the people that run big brothers big sisters.  JToad was really upset.  Yet at the same time, he knew it was going to happen.  He just knew institnctly I think.  All summer toad has went without a big brother.  Last week Toad was hooked up with another big brother.  TM (the new big brother) kinda flirts with me.  It makes me a little uncomfortable.  However, I think he's really just trying to make me like him.  He seems intimidated by me slightly.  He's a very nice looking guy, but I just don't find him attractive like that.  Not that I could do anything about it, even if I wanted to.  Strict rules and all.  Not that I mind.  (i'll blog about that another time maybe).  He is getting ready to run in a marathon this weekend, i think it's sunday.   he plans on picking up toad on saturday to take him to go do something.  He texted me today at work and asked if i could talke for a second.  I called him when I got back to my desk.  He asked me if josh liked basketball.  I told him that i didn't really know, but i'm sure he'd be happy with about anything that they did.  He said that he wanted to put toad in basketball.  He said it would be free.  I laughed, nothing is free.  He said that it's 68 bucks.  I almost flipped out.  I pay daycare and rent and car payments now.  I really don't have the money to put the kids in sports.  I really don't, as much as I would love to, I can't.  So for someone else to offer to put the kid in something, it really kinda struck a raw nerve.  I don't think that he's doing it to bother me, I think that eh's doing it because he really wants to do it.  I just feel terrible that I can't do it for him.  I asked another big brother that I work with, and I asked Walker about it, and I talked to a lady at work whos grandson has a big brother.  I have heard everytrhing from the bigs that have taken their littles on vacation to bigs who won't pick up the kids the next week if the kids is having a bad day, or has been having behavorial problems with the little.   So I guess wanting to put him into a sport isn't totally out of line.  And he hasn't done it yet either.  So he's waiting for me to make a descion.  Toad doesn't really want to do basketball though.  He wasn't\\ to do karate.  I don't know how to tell this guy that either.  He's offering to put Toad in basketball not Karate.  Besides I'm already uneasy about allowing him to do something this committed with Toad, and then not follow through.  I would of course pick up right there, but it would be very very difficult.  Maybe inpossible at time.  Part of me thinks that i'm just being stubborn about this too.  If I can't provide it for Toad, then why would I allow someone else to step in and do that.  Another part is that I don't want Toad to be left holding the bag.  His whole life his ended up with the short end of the stick when it came to men.  I don't want that to happen again.  I just don't want him to get hurt again.  I'm worried that he'll never be close to anyone but me, and it scares me.  I want this thing with TM to work for Toad, but I'm worried that Toad will be let down again.  So I guess it's not about the fact that TM would like to put him into basketball.  The part that I'm having problems accepting is that someone else is going to be involved with my toadman.  someone who I cannot control what happens.  Someone who may break my son's heart, like smacktard, or zero, or the old big couple or his real dad.  I want him to be happy, and I know that toad isn'tas happy as what he should be.  and as a parent who loves her son so very much, it kills me to know that I can't make everyhthhing ok anymore. 

In the same breath, I don't want anyone to think of my family as a pity case or a charity case either.  I'm of a firm mind that if I cannot provide it for us, then we don't really need it.  having someone else offer to do somthing for the kids that I can't do kind irks me.  There are so many convlicting descions that I don't know what to say.  So maybe it's best that I don't say anything.  I'll just think about it for awhile.

well my birthday has come and gone.  went to my dads for my birthday weekend.  we had a good time.  bbqed on saturday and then sunday was my birthday.  Sunday morning about 6 am (I know sounds great getting up that early on my birthday, but i've never been one to sleep in past 8) with my step sister and we were pulling weeds in the garden.  She told me that her husband had been hitting her and that she wanted a divorce, and had told him that many times in the past year that they have been married.  Normally, I wouldn't get involved.  Marriage is between that person and God.  But when she said that he had been hitting her, I very calmly decided that I was going to kick his ass.  After being married to the kids' dad for so long, it broke my spirit.  He broke me down to nothing, and then broke me down even farther than that.  I offered her to come stay with me and the kids.  I'd help her get a job and he own place, but she wouldn't do it.  I didn't think she would but I still wanted to make the effort. 

After Ashy (My step sister) left, I waited about 1/2 an hour then drove out to her house.  I told her not to come get him, and then I told him that I needed his help and that he would need his shoes more than likely.  As I drove out of their litle town they live in, I turned the opposit way of R-Town.  I drove towards the river, and pulled onto a gavel road and then took a couple more till I barely knew where I was.  I then pulled the car over and told him to get out.  He got out, still confused.  I got out of the car too.  He said "what are we doin".  I told him that I was going to ask him one time and i wanted the truth.  Had he ever hit her or used the baby to hurt her or get what he wanted.  He laughed in my face and didn't answer. Her is the convo that followed:

 

Dumbass: (laughing)

me:  well is that you're answer?

Dumbass: Yeah, my maarriage is none of your business, I never touched her.

Me:  Don't like to me.  I'm getting ready to commence kickin your ass with a crowbar that i've gotten in a habit of carrying in the trunk

Dumbass: huh?

Me:  I'm going to hit you many times with a crow bar,k wait right here I'll be right back

Dumbass:  (starts walkin away)

Me:  Hey bitch, where ya goin, I'm not done with you yet

Dumbass: (takes off running)

Me: (jumps around the side of the car to head him off)

Dumbass:  (takes off at a sprint)

Me:  hey I thought you were a tough man, smackin around on your wife, well come on bitch let's go

Dumbass: You're fuckin crazy

Me: Bitch, you ain't seen crazy yet

Dumbass:  (takes a hard left into a soybean field)

Me:  Com'on bitch thought you were tough!  You're running from me like a nigger from a pay check!!!

Dumbass: (has hidden in the soybeans to wait me out)

Me; C'mon pussy come out out, grow some balls.

Dumbass: (silence)

Me:  Have a nice walk bitch, hands off of her ( turned around and walked back to my car, got in it and drove off)

 

 

Just so ya'll know?  I didn'thave a crow bar.  The most dangerous thing I had in the trunk of that car was an ice scraper.  Like THAT was going to go any good.  I know I barked at him, i know i was goin off.  I was furious.  My step sister is so full of life and vitality and love.  I refuse to watch her get beat down like I was.  I guess after it was all said and done, my step sister is really mad at me.  My dad and step mom laugh at me.  Everyone thinks I'm so quiet and shy.  I may be quiet, but I'm always thinking.  This time, it just wasn't the most pleasent thing that I was thinking about.  This time I was planning on kickin his ass.  And before you ask?  No, I'm not predjudice.  I have a niece that is mixed.  I love her to death, she starts school this year even.  I was mad, runnin at the mouth.  It's a good thing that I didn't catch him, I would have hurt him I think.

the boy in the road still hasn't called.... I don't think he will at this point. 

 

things have been ok, my birthday is sunday.  today i got cards, a shirt, and some cookies for my birthday.  i also went to lunch with some of my co workers.,  we went to pangea, my favorite place in westport.  Paninis and greek salad, yum.  other than that not alot is going on, so i havn't had much to blog about.  goigng to the farm tomarrow, that always proves for interesting stories.. till then