Making changes to this.  I'm backk online now, and I've really missed my blog.  Taken me 2 hours to get it all together again.  Now I'm wiped and I'll write more another time dear reader.

well about 3 weeks ago, i had heard some scuttlebutt about a trip to hawaii coming up soon.  I didn't think much of it.  To be honest ther eare people where iw ork that are much better at what they do, and have tons more senority that I do.  I never thought anyting of it!  Friday, my boss told me that I will be going on the Hawaii trip.  I thought she was joking at first.  I stood there with a doepy grin on my face!  Waited for the other shoe to drop.  After a minute, I heard myself say "you're not joking are you?".  Wednesday?  I'm flying out to the Island state!  I am going to Hawaii!  I don't get to take the kids.  They will be staying with my neighbo.r.  I have to bring her back hawaian tales of the erotic and 100.00.  Which isn't bad at all.  I leave here early early Wednesday morning and come back Sunday midafternoon.  Arriving here here at 3:30ish PM.  I know it will be work work work.  Maybe I'll be able to tour a few museums and go to the ocean.  I have to fly over water too.  Never done that.  hell i've never been to hawaii!  I'm so excited!  I need new shoes.  Something to go with my cute little outfits.  Yes, I went shopping.  i'm so excited I couldn't help it!  so for 3 days, I'm going to be saying Ahloha, and Aloha.  Then I might say Aloha again.  3 days of sunshine and freedom!  No kids, no kids  Its going to be like a work vacation.  I will have to go party at least one night.  From what bit told me when we were still talking, honolulu can be kinda scarey at night.  So maybe i'll jsut venture into the hotel lobby.  pick me up a cute bartender.  Never know!  Listen to me, planning like I'm not there to work.  I am going to promote Jr Girls there because in the whole state of hawaii we do not have one Unit!  Uncalled for!  There is all types of army personell on that isdand!  I'm going to really push for the Units to be promoted more.  maybe even recruit a Unit while I'm there.  If you can't tell, I'm so excited.  less than 2 days away now! 

Lil bit lives in Hawaii  I tried to get ahold of him about a week ago.  He's still pissy.  He's worse than a chick sometimes.  He's going to wait so long that it will be really uncomforable when he calls.  THen it will be too long and he won't call at all.  Sad to lose someone I thought of as a close friend.  I thought about looking him up while I'm in Hawaii.  To surprize him.  I don't want to cause a scean though.  WHat if he tells me to buzz off, that he doesn't ever want to see me again.  He already has kinda done that already.  Just nto in so many words.  Its something I'm thinking about.  But, I will NOT let it ruin my frist and probably ONLY trip to Hawaii

Well elections have passed.  My guy got it, let's hope he can turn things around.  I worked at the polls for 3 huors on election day.  Doodle but is now one of the modles for the cover of live united!  the girl that took the phots of him an dhis big brother loved them so much that she is going to use them alot in their ads and such!!  my best bug walter bailey and his bitch g/f broke up.  bout time really.  I didn't like her, she was messing around on him the entire time.  glad he seen it, that way i didn't have to tell him.  parent teacher conferences went well, all of the kids are doing great.  I decided that it's best if i treat lil bit like he died.  i'm beginning to hate him again.  he's no good for my self esteem and he always hurts my feelings.  I don't "love" him.  did i ever realyl?  or was that the girl in me that did.  regardless of why, it's over now.  foreverr, i could care less if i ever seen him again.  he's a self rightous asshole.  (setttles her blood pressure) 

Other than that things are great.  The chiropractor and i are still "lunching".  he wants to meet the kids.  that scares me, he may have to hit the road.  so  not ready for that.

have a great rest of the weekend!

 

Yay It's Saturday!!!!  All week long i've b een waiting for this day!  What a long week.  Have I mentioned how much i love my job?  I really really do, as long as no one else in the office talks to me or others me.  All these really rude people, b itching at each other.  the few people that i do like?  well, let's just say, i like them because i don't know them very well.  Which makes me bitchy and i tend to get stressed out when i get bitchy, and then i get these damn headaches.  I still havn't lost it yet.  it's always there in teh back of my mimnd, nagging like an old lady on the pot needing toilet paper. 

ive been reading alot again.  i seem to go on spurts.  dvr'd tv, movies, and books.  I guess you could say, i like to sit around  LOL.  mos tpeople like excirsizing, cooking, o rmaybe whittling!  Not me I like to sit on my big fat butt and watch TV!  (or read). 

Today, i have to do laundry, its been cold and i havn't wanted to get out of the house for anything extra (unless nessessary, like something imortant). 

Toad is still doing well with his father.  they are spending alot of time together.  his dad bought him a video game.  crash.  the problem is?  joshua has done nothing but play video games.  school work isn't getting done.  chores aren't getting done.  he's staying up 1/2 the night wide awake in bed.  Howwever on the flip side of that.  i've never seen toad so happy.  he says "dad" like a good thing now, instead of "dad" being spit out of his mouth like a bad word.  bug and tude had their halloween party at school.  i didn't get to go, that whole work thing.  but it was fun listening to them talk about it.  maybe i'll go to the christmas one.  work is really crazy sometimes, and i have prblems finding time to be away from work.  Not because of my choice believe me.  Have I mentioned that work is really kicking my ass?

I met teh Doc (the chiropractor) for lunch yesterday afternoon.  actually, we met for a bowl of chips and 2 sodas.  LOL.  we got to talkin about movies and i completely lost track of time.  I was 15 mintues late coming back from lunch.  Thank god my boss wasn't sitting in my chair.  That would have been the end of my "light and healthy" lunch.  LOL. 

Today, my house needs some TLC.  Dusty and grime everwhere, my new place is so cute when it's all fixed up.  not bad of chips on the table, empty pop can sitting on a chair, kids school papers scattered all of the place.  Ithink there is a 1/2 a bag of donuts floating around this house somewhere too.  Toad is going to work with his dad today, and Bug is going on an outting with a classmate (and then returning for a sleep over).  his friends family is picking bug up at 6pm to go.  So toad lives in about a hour, even though they should have left at 6am.  Maybe I'm just old fashoined about weekend work though.  get up and get it done early.  don't sleep 1/2 the day away and then expect to get anythhhng done.  (lilmiss ally-tude just asked me: as you writing to yourself because your upset?)  sheesh, that kid!  time tto go play super-mommy!!

ive been fighting a huge headache.  been fighting it for 3 days now.  the first night, if i would have felt better i would have drove myself to the ER.  luckily i had super-toad to help me.  my friend gloss who lives upstairs watched the younger two for me so that I could get some rest.  light senbsitivity, smelly smells, and sensitive ears.  ocmbine all of those things and you have one sick girl. 

 

i felt better after i wrote my last blog entry.  i didn't realize how much crap i keep pent up inside my little head.  sometimes it helps to get it all out sometimes.  Till Lil bit called and said "u were pregnant?"  i wanted to hit him.  if he would have been clsoer i might have.  stupid drunk boy (rolls her eyes)  we are gearing up for halloween.  tomarrow i need to start sewing tude's outfit together, bug is just going to  have makeup, and toad is saying he's too old for trick or treating.  bug is going to be some type of scarey ninja, and tude is going to be a fairy.  l"like tinkerbell mom- but not tinkerbell".  i have a halloween shirt to ewear to work, so that will be cool.  my mom got the kids halloween shirts too.  they are going to be so cute!!!   i need to get some orange ribbon for ally-tude's hair.  we still havn't decorated for halloween yet.  i don't know if we will this year.  seems to be a big waste, we aren't even home much lately. 

in other news, thanksgiving is coming up and so is christmas.  even better news?  Lil Bit is coming home on December 05(ish).  he'd going to be stationed in kansas!  Yay!  be good to see  his old ass again!

In other enws, i have had 2 dates with the chiropractor now.  he's ok i uess.  there aren't many sparks.  we ahve great conversation though, he's very intelligent.  and he has a great sence of humor!  however, he has these annoying little habits..... we'll see how it goes.

Ever sence Toad started talking to Dale, I've been in a downward spirla.  It brings up old hurts and haunts that I have pushed back for years and years.  I know that I have told the story about my adoption.  However, maybe it's time I just do this instead of stupid litle stories.  Maybe it's time just to let it all out.  So here goes the story, for whats its worth.  Famous last words of a fool.

 

I had a decent childhood.. I really did.  Grew up in a small town.  Played softball, went to town fairs.  Met an older boy and thought I had fallen in love, teenage style in the front seat of his brothers truck.  Met little bit before that, but didn't know him like that til my sophmore year of highschool.  Needless to say, lil bit and i were very much in love, so i thought.  my parents where splitting up then.  my dad was an alcoholic and when he drank he swang his belt too much.  my step mother had grown cold and distant to me over the years.  i never felt like i belong with anyone or anything.  i felt like i was the lone soldier.  fighting this was called life.  Lil bit felt the same way, at some points i wondered if everyone felt like we did, but that didn't come till much later.  things ended badly between me and my dad, and lil bit moved out of his mothers house and basically became homeless with me.  to protect me, to show me that he really did love me.  a few years went by.  I got pregnant.  Lil Bit and I did, we were so happy,.  Finally a family, one of our own.  to us, we weren't normal 17-18 year olds.  to us, we had lived life enough to know what the difference was between being a child and being more.  When i went to the ER they said that i had been 4 1/2 months along.  I don't know if there were right, i was thinking almost 3 months along.  I had serious female issues, and lil bit had a problem of his own.  all that time we had sex, we never took procautions.  we wanted this, and i belikeve to this day we did.  We couldn't get pregnant again.  Bit was torn up about it, and i was too.  he was so upset, it's like he looked through me after that.  I started seeing other men, to sleep with them.  i just wanted a family so bad, one that was ine and one that would love me forever.  they would never leave me, i would love them and show my family what loeve was and how to love one another.

Bit and I grew farther and farther apart.  i couldn't take the loneliness anymore, i couldn't take how alone i felt.  in arkansas, the only family around was bit's and they couldn't stand me.  i don't know if they hated me, but they definetly did not accept me, or even enjoy my company. 

I met a guy down there, mark.  he fell for me, and i told him i didn't want anything romantic with him, i loved someone else.  he threatened to tell bit.  i had cheated once befor and knew that bit would leave me.  he had told me in no uncertain terms .   I'll never forget it.  the look on his face.  "Stacey, I love you, I can't do this.  If you love me swear to me, swear to me you'll never do this again... I won't come looking for you, i won't talk to you, i'll forget you".  and I believed him.  so instead of owning up to my responcibility, i left.  i went back to R-Town, and then I went to oregon for a couple months.  the first few weeks in oregon, there were terrible.  I cried and cried.  I didn't get out of bed for the first 2 weeks.  I just cried.  I got up when everyone else was at work, or when i knew they would be asleep.  I was a shell.  I was just a big glob of mush with frizzy hair and existed, but that couldn't live without m y other half.  Suicide crossed my mind alot back then.  different ways, different things to do.  step in front of a bus, drown in my uncles hot tub, gun shot to the head (although i didn't like that, too messy, too much work).  i did eventually find a job.  i worked in a tshirt factory.  worked for an arab (before they were called terrorists).  at first he was cool, brought me a soda on break, talked to me about my life.  till one day while i was in his office he took off his shirt and sat in front of me, he wanted me to rub his back.  he told me he'd pay me extra on my check.  the man was married, had a baby on the way.  i was young and scared.  i did it, i rubbed his back.  I didn't rub anything below the shoulder blades, but the moaning and grinding of his teeth was enough to know that what i was doing was wrong.  small town farm girl was not doing right.  It went on like that for a month.  i never told anything to anyone at that time.  my dad had lost his job.  we were living off of my income.  we werent doing great on money and I knew that I needed to make more.  i mentioned to my boss.  he offered me more money if i would rub him in "other places".  I consented (over the pone) and then went to finish dinner with my family.  I sat next to my dad.  my grandparents were there (before granpa died-which still kills me) my uncles and aunt and their two children, myself and my dad.  I said that i needed to say something.  and then i blurted it all out.   right there at dinner.  my uncle and dad were pissed.  i thought my grandpa was going to have a stroke.  my grams face turned to stone, while my two cousins, still young enough to be innocent, started in wonder and hourror.  i went to pick up my final check and my uncle went with me.  i never went back to work ther and my dad and i came home.  hoem to r-town.  when we came back, my i felt this need to find my sisters.  i coudn't be without them.  my step mother had shown me through the years how much she realoly didn't care for me.  i heard her tell her sister a few times that she couldn't stand "that bastard".  I knew she was talking aboout me.  i was the bastard, no mom, only my dad and her??!  it made sence to me then.  i went to find my sisters.  i drove country roads in warsaw, where they werre living, in the ozarks.  i just wanted acceptence.  i wanted to see them to touch them, to know that i wasn't really alone.  even though all this time with my dad, i still felt alone.  i had met my real mom by then.  i felt i had the right.  i coudln have 2 moms, what could be better!  little did i know that my step mom would disown me for it, because she felt slighted.  i know i hurt her, and i didn't mean to.   i was just so aone, so very sad and lonely.  at this point, i turned up just her telling me to get lost, to take a hike, she didn't want me, and that my sisters didn't either. 

I had made a padcct to myself.  I would have a family.  or it would kill me.  i couldn't live through life like this.  i couldn't be alone anymore, it was too much and i was done trying and fighting.  I remember the pact very well.  I would do it.  I would jump off an overpass and stright into the path of a semi.  I would be killed instantly, i wouldn't survive.  none of this living in a veggie-state or putting my "family" through anymore than they needed to.  they would put me in the ground and move on, within a few months it would be like i hadn't existed.  (dear god this is hard to tell).  I would be out of my misery.  The only thing that would save me, is a family.  love.  companionship, loyalty.  i had lost all of that.  all that i held dear, all that i loved and cherished.  i coulnd't be a functioning person worth a damn without those qualities.

The day that i made that pact with myself, it was 8:00am.  by 10pm i was in the arms of toad's biological father Dale.  i told Dale i didn't want him, i just "needed" him.  he took it as love, i took it as "just sleep with me" and i didn't care.  after about 10 minutes being aroudn this guy I really couldn't stand him, but i put on a front.  no other prospects in site, i was biding my time.  90 days.  3 months.  after 3 months, if nothing then ok, the choice has been made.  i didn't pray, there was no need, it was just the way it was for me.  and it all seemed so clear.  ii missed my first period, and took a test.  it showed positive.  i moved in with dale.  we lived in Polo, which is about 15 min north of R-twon.  which is literally in the middle of nowherre, and we lived 15 minutes west of that!  we lived on 120 acres.  he would be gone for a few days at a time, no phone, no car, but i had food and shelter.  i preferred it that way.  i didn't have prenatal care till i was 5 months pregnant.  there was no way.  my dad had gotten mad that iw as pregnant by a moron, and refused to come out to see me.  and that was fine with me too.  i had all that i needed.  those 9 months were the happiest of my life.  i had purpose i had meaning!  I had a reason to live.  i had found my tao, and all of the wonders associated with it.  dale wasnt' supportive, i didn't care.  i had my baby.  i felt myself living again.  humming to myself, talking to the baby, rubbing lotion on my swollen belly, talking about names.  all alone, and happier than thell.  dale really resented the fact that i cut him out of it.  when i told him i wanted to leave him, i was 9 months pregnant, due any days.  he told me that he'd never let me leave with them baby he'd kill me first.  it didn't matter at that point, i knew that i would have to leave like befor, just do it.  and i did.  aft   toad was born in the middle of an ice storm, took us 3 hours to get to the hospital.  but we did it.  too k me 3 days to have him and then another full week in the hosital afterwards.  when toad was 5 months old, i conned dale to take me to town (with the baby) and then asked him for the car keys to listen to the radio, and then i drove off and left him there.  i waved as i left.  g   in my mind, "good ridence".  i was moving on.  and i did.

i met satan (my exhusband) and had a coupe more kids.  tried to raise my family the best i could under the circumstance. 

flashforward to prsent day...

toad was damaged by satan.  satan belittled him and abused him.  treated him wrongly and accused him of horrid and terrible things.  told him i'm not your dad, tell your mom to find another sucker to be your father.  little bastartd!  even after i left himm, it still didn't stop.  he hated me and knew the best was to hurt me was through the kids.  he coudn't do that to his own kids, so he did that to mine.  i hated him for that, i still do.  so does toad.  it's starting to show.  toad is being disrespectful to the teachers and school and acting out toward the male teachers.  ive been taking him to a therapist.  the doc says that he has an abandonment issues.  that he feels detached and worthless sometimes and that he needs to have more love and patiance.  he also wanted to meet his real dad.  dale was all that josh wanted.  the acceptanc e and the love that only dale could give.  all these years i had been trying to love him enough and all these years of loyalty and dedication.  and i wasn't enoughl.  yeah dale and toad seem to be haiving a good relationship.  toad has unrealistic goals and i pray every night that dale doesn't let him down.  just to not hurt my baby.  and then it hit me. the throwing up.  the headaches.  ive literally been sicker than hell for 2 weeks.  people ask me whats wrong and i tell them nothing, and they just look at me with such pity.  they don't know me, they don't know all of this, quit looking at me like that!!!   i want to be left alone.  i cry all the time, i had a dream about my step mother, first one i've had in a long time.  i couldn't have been older than 4 or 5, but she was brushing my hair and rocking the baby.  who would have been my sister Chris.  all these years i thought that i had my family.  MY family.  one of love and loyalty and commitment, and now, i find out it was all a facade.  it wasn't real.  even my baby sister RiRi and I havn't spoken in years now.  and i miss her, but she won't talk to me.  i want to scream at my step mom who adopted me.  scream at herj "how could you do this to me!  i was a child i needed you!!  you hateful bitch!"  !!!   i want to run to little bit and throw myself in his arms and cry till i have no more tears.  i want to hold my holdest boy and rock him but he doesn't want me anymore.  i refuse to get the same attitude that my adopted mom had.  i want to be able to love everyone and not turn them away because i'm angry or hurt.  most of all, i just want everything to be normal again.  to be happy and flow smoothly, and not to have all these people trying to but in.  i don't hate dale.  i just worry about my son.  and i don't hate my eveil stoep mom, but it's easier to say that than to say she destroyed my sence of loyality and family.  i don't want to blame my dad, because he did what he knew how to do, right or wrong. 

I don't know where i'm going anymore.  life is out of my control, and i don't know which way is up.  i feel all these emotions that i havn't felt in years.  and i'm trying to help towad, showing him i know what it's like, i've been there.  but he doesn't care he's young.  and i feel soo damn alone, so alone that you would have no idea.  the only one that i want to talk to about it is lil bit, and i can't bring myself to put it into workds for him. 

I know that things will look brighter on another day, but for right now, i think it's killing me all over again.  Love, Loyalty, Compassion, and Love.  The basic buildling bricks of a family, and all of my stones seem to be crumbling.

Toadman has been having problems at school.  Defiant, moody, tardy on a constant basis.  Middle School is really hard, i remember.  Toad's goes a little deeper than that.  His therapist has been sayin gthat he's been talking about his .  He has his big brother, he has my dad.  For Toad, I guess that hasn't been enough.  So I did what the therapist asked me about, i got ahold of Dale, Toad's real dad.  Dale and Toad talked on the phone for  weeks or so, then all of a sudden, they met.  Toad has been on cloud nine, toad is so forgiving and accepting.  I personally hate dale.  he's neve rbeen there for toad, never was never was.  Now all of sudden he wants to start calling him dad, and he wants to spend time with him.  I don't know if Dale will stick around, I dodn't know if this is going to last very long.  I'm nervous, consantly waiting for th other shoe to drop.  It's making me sick, was home sick on wednesday, then came hom eyesterday from work, I had thrown up and wet my pants.  Pretty freakin sweet eh?  I was so humiliated. 

I had also decided that the kids and I should start attending church again.  why not?  we are a family, and sometimes we do need spiritual guidence, just like everyone else.  I took the kids to breakfast after church, posted below is the picture that we got from there.  I do have to get ready for work, maybe i'll write more later.

Put in 11 hours today.  talk about a long day.  Needless to say, I really didn't feel like cooking!  Whats the best thing to do on a tuesday night?  Pizza Street of course!  Kits 2-9 eat free!!   Toad is 11 now, so he's full price.  but it's still a good deal.  Pizza street is an all you can eat pizza joint!  Thank god too.  TOadman ate 10 plates of pizza.  10 plates!!!  thats not counting ice cream and soda!  I do believe that kid is going to eat me out of house and home.  His voice is cracking now, puberty is kicking in.  He's still short for his age, but he's getting kidna chubby, in other workds he's getting ready to grow again!!I was running late last friday morning and grabbed socks and some shoes and ran out the door.  got to the new daycare to drop off the kids, and went to put the shoes on.  they felt funny, but they fit fine.  I got out of the car and looked down?  they were toad's shoes!!!  my son has the same size feet that i do.  and i don't have tiny feet.  i wear an 8 1/2!

 

 

Here is our conversatio at that day:

 

Me: (caloling on my way to work):  Toad I think i've got your shoes on

Toad: so what am i supposed to wear

me: wear your old shoes

toad: they are dirty and they don't match

me: then wear my shoes

toad: mom are you crazy?

me: maybe put shoes on and get to the bus stop

toad: can i wear the red heels?

me: if it gets you to school, it's your feet

toad: yeah i'll get beat up wearing girl shoes, you better not do this again

me:  better hurry your going to be late!

toad: it's gonna be hard to run in high heels but i think i'll be ok    gotta go lova ya bye

 

 

he's got a great sence of humor, but somehow him joking about wearing my red strappy sandles .... well.... its doesn't sit very well... even though he was joking   

I can't believe it's already October!  Seems like this year has just flown by.  I know I havn't been writing.  I havn't known what to write about.  Actually, I'v e had alot to write about!  Just havn't known how to put it into words.  I figured out that Lil Bit, has never changed.  He's still the self righteous hypricritical snot nosed brat that he always was.  I fell in love with that?!?!  been talkin to the Denny's Boy briefly (Danger will robinson danger). 

 

In other news the kids are doing great.  Middle School agrees with the Toad, and Bug and Tude are loving their new elementary school!  Work is going and going.  They are moving my area to a different area (did that make sence?).  Yes I still plan on building another blog.... i just had 9 pending requests for my writing, nice to be loved.  when i get the new blog up and going 'll let ya knoww

blog changes are fo the best.  Especially when you finid out that your worthless exhusband and your estranged sister are reading your blogs.  Its been hard to get back into my wwriting.  I feel weirdpeople that I don't want around me reading what I write.  It hampers myu writing and then I let my blog go.  I think that I'm going to start a new one.  If you would like to email me I will send you a link to my new blog.  Thanks for being my constant reader. 

the kids have gotten amazingly big!  They are growing so much that it seems I'm missing it all.  Toad is growing up so big! His voice is cracking now.  He has started getting long hair under his arms.  (and has a strict no camera policy)Imagion that!  He starting to notice girls.... my baby boy :(   Doodlebug is growing really fast lately.  Him and \Tude don't look like twins anymore.  bug is a head taller than her now.  Tude of course will always be the same.  Sweet innocent evil little girl in the world.  Of course she is... she's my baby angel.  The kids love being out of that city.  Out of the craziness.  Finally time to slow down and relax.

 

E.

Well I decided not to let Toad's big brother put him in backsetball, or karate or anything else.  I didn't feel right about it.  I've learned, trust my gut.  However I did find a pretty cool website.  For those of us that love to read, and are huge Dean Koontz fans, check out the below link. 

 

 

check out the webisodes.  If you like the Odd Thomas series you will love this!!!

As for the point of this blog.  Its to write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.  Lately, I have not really been looking at my blog.  I havn'thad time to write.  Not that I don't think about writing and what I'm going to say, but just because I just get busy.  Sometimes something stops me in th emiddle though.  Like today....

 

I got the boy s involved in the big brothers big sister's program.  Bug has been hangin with Walker for almost 7 months now.  Walker is a great role model.  He's bright and intelligent, very well mannered, has very good morals and extremely good ethics.  Bug loves him.  I think he loves Bug too.  They are going to the Chiefs game on Saturday.  It's a surprize B ug has no idea.  Walker told him that he has a surprise for Bug, but will give bug one hint per night.  Thefirst hint was that it started with the letter F.  Every day bug will get one more hint.  I know the clue though.  It's going to be "How far can you see in a sea of red".  Needless to say, a great match.

Toad had a big brother that was married.  Therefore Toad has a"big couple"  He was ok, but she was pretty pushy.  I got the boys involved in the program for a male role model.  Because the big brother was married, his wife had to be involved.  She was the one who always picked him up.  She always dropped him off.  Whenever they called to set up an outing, she was the one that called.  They never called him just to say hey.  Needless to say,l it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.  I mentioned it to the worker at the office of big brothers big sisters, and she told me that i needed to be excepting.  i reluctantly agreed to allow toad to be with this big couple.  About 2 months after that, just disapeered.  They never called Toad again, they didn't send him a letter.  They didn't even tell the people that run big brothers big sisters.  JToad was really upset.  Yet at the same time, he knew it was going to happen.  He just knew institnctly I think.  All summer toad has went without a big brother.  Last week Toad was hooked up with another big brother.  TM (the new big brother) kinda flirts with me.  It makes me a little uncomfortable.  However, I think he's really just trying to make me like him.  He seems intimidated by me slightly.  He's a very nice looking guy, but I just don't find him attractive like that.  Not that I could do anything about it, even if I wanted to.  Strict rules and all.  Not that I mind.  (i'll blog about that another time maybe).  He is getting ready to run in a marathon this weekend, i think it's sunday.   he plans on picking up toad on saturday to take him to go do something.  He texted me today at work and asked if i could talke for a second.  I called him when I got back to my desk.  He asked me if josh liked basketball.  I told him that i didn't really know, but i'm sure he'd be happy with about anything that they did.  He said that he wanted to put toad in basketball.  He said it would be free.  I laughed, nothing is free.  He said that it's 68 bucks.  I almost flipped out.  I pay daycare and rent and car payments now.  I really don't have the money to put the kids in sports.  I really don't, as much as I would love to, I can't.  So for someone else to offer to put the kid in something, it really kinda struck a raw nerve.  I don't think that he's doing it to bother me, I think that eh's doing it because he really wants to do it.  I just feel terrible that I can't do it for him.  I asked another big brother that I work with, and I asked Walker about it, and I talked to a lady at work whos grandson has a big brother.  I have heard everytrhing from the bigs that have taken their littles on vacation to bigs who won't pick up the kids the next week if the kids is having a bad day, or has been having behavorial problems with the little.   So I guess wanting to put him into a sport isn't totally out of line.  And he hasn't done it yet either.  So he's waiting for me to make a descion.  Toad doesn't really want to do basketball though.  He wasn't\\ to do karate.  I don't know how to tell this guy that either.  He's offering to put Toad in basketball not Karate.  Besides I'm already uneasy about allowing him to do something this committed with Toad, and then not follow through.  I would of course pick up right there, but it would be very very difficult.  Maybe inpossible at time.  Part of me thinks that i'm just being stubborn about this too.  If I can't provide it for Toad, then why would I allow someone else to step in and do that.  Another part is that I don't want Toad to be left holding the bag.  His whole life his ended up with the short end of the stick when it came to men.  I don't want that to happen again.  I just don't want him to get hurt again.  I'm worried that he'll never be close to anyone but me, and it scares me.  I want this thing with TM to work for Toad, but I'm worried that Toad will be let down again.  So I guess it's not about the fact that TM would like to put him into basketball.  The part that I'm having problems accepting is that someone else is going to be involved with my toadman.  someone who I cannot control what happens.  Someone who may break my son's heart, like smacktard, or zero, or the old big couple or his real dad.  I want him to be happy, and I know that toad isn'tas happy as what he should be.  and as a parent who loves her son so very much, it kills me to know that I can't make everyhthhing ok anymore. 

In the same breath, I don't want anyone to think of my family as a pity case or a charity case either.  I'm of a firm mind that if I cannot provide it for us, then we don't really need it.  having someone else offer to do somthing for the kids that I can't do kind irks me.  There are so many convlicting descions that I don't know what to say.  So maybe it's best that I don't say anything.  I'll just think about it for awhile.

well my birthday has come and gone.  went to my dads for my birthday weekend.  we had a good time.  bbqed on saturday and then sunday was my birthday.  Sunday morning about 6 am (I know sounds great getting up that early on my birthday, but i've never been one to sleep in past 8) with my step sister and we were pulling weeds in the garden.  She told me that her husband had been hitting her and that she wanted a divorce, and had told him that many times in the past year that they have been married.  Normally, I wouldn't get involved.  Marriage is between that person and God.  But when she said that he had been hitting her, I very calmly decided that I was going to kick his ass.  After being married to the kids' dad for so long, it broke my spirit.  He broke me down to nothing, and then broke me down even farther than that.  I offered her to come stay with me and the kids.  I'd help her get a job and he own place, but she wouldn't do it.  I didn't think she would but I still wanted to make the effort. 

After Ashy (My step sister) left, I waited about 1/2 an hour then drove out to her house.  I told her not to come get him, and then I told him that I needed his help and that he would need his shoes more than likely.  As I drove out of their litle town they live in, I turned the opposit way of R-Town.  I drove towards the river, and pulled onto a gavel road and then took a couple more till I barely knew where I was.  I then pulled the car over and told him to get out.  He got out, still confused.  I got out of the car too.  He said "what are we doin".  I told him that I was going to ask him one time and i wanted the truth.  Had he ever hit her or used the baby to hurt her or get what he wanted.  He laughed in my face and didn't answer. Her is the convo that followed:

 

Dumbass: (laughing)

me:  well is that you're answer?

Dumbass: Yeah, my maarriage is none of your business, I never touched her.

Me:  Don't like to me.  I'm getting ready to commence kickin your ass with a crowbar that i've gotten in a habit of carrying in the trunk

Dumbass: huh?

Me:  I'm going to hit you many times with a crow bar,k wait right here I'll be right back

Dumbass:  (starts walkin away)

Me:  Hey bitch, where ya goin, I'm not done with you yet

Dumbass: (takes off running)

Me: (jumps around the side of the car to head him off)

Dumbass:  (takes off at a sprint)

Me:  hey I thought you were a tough man, smackin around on your wife, well come on bitch let's go

Dumbass: You're fuckin crazy

Me: Bitch, you ain't seen crazy yet

Dumbass:  (takes a hard left into a soybean field)

Me:  Com'on bitch thought you were tough!  You're running from me like a nigger from a pay check!!!

Dumbass: (has hidden in the soybeans to wait me out)

Me; C'mon pussy come out out, grow some balls.

Dumbass: (silence)

Me:  Have a nice walk bitch, hands off of her ( turned around and walked back to my car, got in it and drove off)

 

 

Just so ya'll know?  I didn'thave a crow bar.  The most dangerous thing I had in the trunk of that car was an ice scraper.  Like THAT was going to go any good.  I know I barked at him, i know i was goin off.  I was furious.  My step sister is so full of life and vitality and love.  I refuse to watch her get beat down like I was.  I guess after it was all said and done, my step sister is really mad at me.  My dad and step mom laugh at me.  Everyone thinks I'm so quiet and shy.  I may be quiet, but I'm always thinking.  This time, it just wasn't the most pleasent thing that I was thinking about.  This time I was planning on kickin his ass.  And before you ask?  No, I'm not predjudice.  I have a niece that is mixed.  I love her to death, she starts school this year even.  I was mad, runnin at the mouth.  It's a good thing that I didn't catch him, I would have hurt him I think.

the boy in the road still hasn't called.... I don't think he will at this point. 

 

things have been ok, my birthday is sunday.  today i got cards, a shirt, and some cookies for my birthday.  i also went to lunch with some of my co workers.,  we went to pangea, my favorite place in westport.  Paninis and greek salad, yum.  other than that not alot is going on, so i havn't had much to blog about.  goigng to the farm tomarrow, that always proves for interesting stories.. till then

First off sk8rtmush (i knowthats not her screen name but for some reason I always think that).  is having her baby apprently!!!!  Her water has broken and last note she left?  She's on her way to the hospital!!  best of luck baby doll!!!

 

on with the story.  The boy in the road

 

Last Friday night as I was driving home from work, I was in stop and go traffic through north towne.  I was behind a lady in this huge lincoln town car.  Driving 35 mph tops.  She rode her brake all the way there and swerved everywhere.  I was cussing her in the little red lipstick car that I look so good driving.  I had enough and finally made it over into the other lane.  The lady had her window rolled down, and I pulled up beside her.  She was talking on her cell phone.  I rolled down my window.  I waited politely till she was done with her conversation and then beeped my horn.  She looked over and I smiled and barked.   Rough rough rough rough, like  pit bull through a chain link fence.  She jumped a mile and then rolled up her very expensive windows and then locked her doors.  I laughed my ass off.  I'm not normally mean, but that day, I wwas feeling frisky. 

About a mile later at another stop light, There was a guy in  a jeep cheokee that was next to me che  I blew him off, "yeah look to your little hearts content sweety, I'm all me."  I pulled up and cranked up the music, Kid Rock, I was jammin.  He pulled up beside me, he waved I smiled.  I was actually flirting with a guy in traffic what had come over me?!  And I was so cocky and coy about it, Almost like a girl.  At the light he beeped his horn.  I waaved.  At the next light I ignored him, he was deparately trying to get my attention.  We went throught that light and came to the next one.  He ended up right behind me at this light, he had changed lanes.  He got out of his truck at the red light and came over and knocked on the passengerside window, which I had rolled back up some time ago.  I rolled it down and he said "excuse me, but I'm trying to get your phone number and you're making it difficult to get it when you won't talk to me.  I giggled and told him he had no commensence getting out in traffic like that and to get back in his car, then I winked at him.  Light turned green and I gave him the come hither finger, come here boy!  He followed me to Hy-Vee and we chattted for a little bit.  This boy I did get his number.  He's an HVAC guy for a building downtown abut 2 miles from where I work.  He gave me his number and I called him that night.  He didn'tt call back.

Today he called me, we talked for a bit and he invited me to lunch next week sometime, he told him he'd call me with definete plans early next week.  We shall see, who knows.  The only bad thing?  He's 40.  I won't be 32 for eight more days.  but its just lunch!  It's probably nothing to be excited about, but wow, talk about a way to meet someone.

 

I'll type more about the "lunch date" when it actually happens.  Amazing, i be sweet and kind and guys walk all over me, I bark at a lady on her cell phone, and a guy literally jumps out of his jeep to come talk to me!  Who'da thumk

 

Ok, shoot me now, I just went and read part of Zero's blog.  It's been forever, I've been to busy to blog, much less read his blog.  It just hasn't been on my things to do list.  I've gotten over him now, but i still think about him from time to time.  Why?  I don't know but I do.  Pathetic eh?

 

Anyways, while reading his blog, I realized something.  He doesn't have the life I would want.  Playing with models, granted his talent is amazing, but still.... he's in his mid-thirtys.  Why?  I guess everyone needs a hobby.  He said something in his blog that really bothered me, and I felt so sorry for him. 

"It's been a slow couple of weeks for modeling, but sometime everything else going on has to take top priority. And other times, falling asleep on the couch instead of wandering down to the basement ain't so bad either. These last few weeks have been a combination of that. ?

That is a portion of one of his blogs.  I felt sorry for him :(  Falling alseep on the couch, with a baby and woman, a small little family.  Thats really sad, of all the things that he  could be doing :(  sleeping on the couch and building models, it sounds kinda lame.  It makes me glad see that we didn't work out.  I wouldn't like someone who would rather be building models than in bed iwth me.  I wouldn't like it at all. I wwas devastated when he broke up with me though.  Looking back I realize, I did love  him, however, he just didn't love me the same.  He loved the kids, but not like his own.  How can you ever love a child that is not your own, like your own?  i don't know.  I had a step daughter who didn't like me, no matter what I did it wasn't enough for her or her parents.  Maybe he felt like htat.  However in hindsight.  I'm glad we arent' together.  I would have a life of my husband/boyfriend sleeping on the couch and working on models all night long.  NO THANKS

 

I have to say, I'm happy with my life mostly.  Still havn't accomplished the goals that I have recently set.  However, I'm moving in the right direction, and I have a time frame in which to finish them.  I'm glad Zero and I didn't make it.  I think his betrayal was good for me and the kids.  It pushed me into taking charge of my life, and to show me not to settle for mediocre when I should shoot for fabulous.  I've learned that it's not always about having what you want, but the struggle and drive that sometimes mean so much more.  My little family has really seen it's share of dog days.  Days of below freezing mornings  before dawn at a bus stop, days of mightmares and being terrorized  by Smacktard, days of dispair when I didn't think I would ever feel normal again.  I'm starting to though.  I see other people and hear them talk.  They tell me stories about their lives.  As I liten I can't compair my life to theirs anymore.  I have a life that no one else but me should have to live.  Everyone's life is of their own making, and a little bit of fate.  I think that I am paying some hard dues.  I think there are more to come.  However, everyone has their struggles.  Everyone deals with their life in their own way.  I've come along way from the scared beaten down woman that I was 6 years ago.  I've come along ways from the pathetically broken hearted ex-girlfriend too.  I've even progressed from the bus stop betty who worked temp jobs in order to make ends meet, and managed to pull it all off anyways. 

 

I guess wwhat I'm saying is.  I dont' know if you still read my blog, Zerp.  I'm doin good.  I dont' think about you every second anymore.  I don't break down at night because I'm alone and all I can think about is you.  It sounds like you got the life that you wanted, and i'm thrilled for you.  I dont' hate you anymore.  I'm going to be ok.          -end

was going to blog about the boy on the road but I havn't heard from him yet, so I'm going to wait till I do to blog about it. 

 

Today my neighbor and I took our kids and a few friends to a park near here in Parkville.  I had never been there before.  Its really neat actually.  A huge trail that goes around the park, a train that goes by, and tons of playground equipment.  Cars cannot enter parts of the park because there are so many different trails and such that cross each other.  I made bbq chicken wings and polish sasuage and pork loin on the grill.  The loin isn't done yet but I've got it in the crock p\ot to finish cooking.  It's going to be so good.  I made homemade potato salad and home made macaronni salad.  Fresh melon and strawberrys for desert.  Talk about tons of food and very fat happy people  All of the kids played in the water and made a huge mud pit, like most kids do at the park.  we had a great time.

 

somehow i ended up with several of the guys in the group of people next to us, trying to tell me how to bbq chicken wings.   i didn't need the help but 2 of them where hot 9to say the least).  So I let them help me.  One of them got me a beer while the tallest one (mike) tried to get my "details".  All he found out?  I'm not interested in seeing anyone right now, but he gave me his number anywhays in case I changed my mind.  I gave him a fake phone number and then left, post haste.  Kinda a dirty trick, but hey when in Rome.  I feel good lately.  I feel like I'm actually a girl again instead of a big mom blob.  And when you turn a head, that just makes ya feel all of more better.

Offically my life has too much drama

 

And it's going on all around me.  I'm dealing well though.  Letting the "drama roll off" persay.  The smacktard is out of the phyic facility, he's locked up in platte county jail now.  Or at least he was yesterday morning.  Actually, I just ccalled after typing that out, yes he's still there.  He should have to remain there till tuesday when he is arraigned.  I have to be there.  I'm glad my work is being so kind about me taking off and being ill and bending myself up.  I couldn't ask for better bosses than that ya know.  She still drives me crazy but she's understanding, and thats the important thing.  LOL.

 

Kids are getting so big.  Toad is almost in middle school now.  He's being doing great at home during the day.  Him not being in daycare all day has really helped us out financically.  (btw, i should really spell check these blogs but i never seem to remember).  Bug has actually grown 1 sizes this summer~!  Finally in a 7/8, can you believe it!  Ally-tude-baby-angel is doing great.  She loves our new place and her new room.  I've decorated  it all up for her, how exciting is that!!!

 

SBG and i finalyl talked after our last fight.  I hate fighting with her, but i  realy hate the fact she says some of the things that she does.  She bmy best friend though, and sometimes friends fight.  SPeaking of friends, Lil Bit and I are a little weird right now.  Him and his g/f are splitting up.  She's being seeing someone else (kinda, on the internet and a few times in person i think(.  They were already pretty much done I think though by the time that it got to that.  Bit's been drinkin alot, and that worries me.  He told me that hissister had ccalled him and told himthat talking to me really hurt sherry.  I told him I thought that maybe Sister Bit might be right.  It might have really hurt her heart.  He kinda blew it off to me, sayin g"yeah well she should have said something".  I said yeah just for conversation but it really got me to thinking.  He was using me to make her jealous.  Whats worse, is that I didn't knowhwat was going on in his head about me and him.  Finally, I gathered up the balls and let him know.  I told him that I really didn't want anything with us rightnow.  I have way too much on my plate and that I love him, of course I do, I always will.  BUt right now things just aren't in a good place for a relationship.  I also told him I didn't want to be the rebound g/f.  I want to be the one, if it ever came down to it.  To my delight he agreed.  He wasn't angry.  In fact he said that things just wouldn't work right now for us.  With him in the service and me settled here in kc.  He said that he didn't want to uproot my life and that he couldn't get out of the service.  Little secret?  If my life wasn't so fucked up right now, I would move for him.  I'd follow him anywhere.  I won't tell him that though, there is no need for him to know that. After all, it's not like i'm looking for anything and we are only friends.  No matter what has been said behind closed doors.  No matter what Sherry or Sister Bit thinks.  They are wrong. Nothing other than friendship is here at this point.  He still lives in the same house wwith her!   He's done things to sherry that i want to kick his ass for.  and some things that she's done to him that aren't so great either. I feel terrible for both of them.  They lost a wonderful relationship because they both forgot how to love each other and how to stick it out forever.  I have been there, with Zero, and it's hard I know it is.  I hate the fact that Sister Bit would say the things that she does about me, but I guess that it doesn't really matter.  I don't live my life for her.  The sad part that pertains to me?  It put a strain on my friendship with Lil bit.  We used to talk for hours, and noww, we still talk but it's not the same.  It's gaurded, watching wwhat we say and how we saay it.  Careful not to cross the line, i hate convos like that.  I want to be able to talk to people without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.  Trying not to say something that might hurt Sherry's feelings.  Regardless of howw she feels about me, I still think she's a pretty decent person.  We used to be friends too.  I kept trying to talk to her and be friendsly but she never really talked back to me.  Basically i left messages and emails for her, and hse never got back to me.  I gave up after awhile.  I hate to give up on bit totally yet though.  We know each other at the foundation, and no one else knows me like that.  We are friends, and thats all I want.  I wish she would understand that.  maybe some day she will.  he lovevs her, she loves him, its just not a good situation.  Perhaps i'm making it worse.

Other than that,  not much is going on.  Seen a car get swarmed by cops and helidopter at my friend Tae's house.  That wasinteresting, however very scarey.  It was like watching COPS (on TV) sitting on her front porch.  National Convention is coming up for work, so i've been really busy with that.  Kids start school in a month.  Life is starting to level out.  I know I havn't been writing, my dear constant reader, I've just been busy.  being  a single mom is hard  work, and it gets hectic. Perhaps I'll right about the "Boy in the Road" next time.  Till then.......

Howdy and all of that!  I'm getting around better now.  I only have a small limp now.  My back feels much better.  Not near as bad as it was right after the wreck.  The Smacktard is still locked up in the phyic facility!  I went to child support court the other day.  The judge that hears the child support hearings also has heard all 3 restraining orders and the divorce too.  He told me that if and when smacktard gets out of jail that he will be placed in custody unit time that he can get together bail.  Which helps me to sleep good at night.  I'm really likeing not looking over my shoulder, and sleeping with one eye open.  He's someplace now where he can't get out.  And that my friends makes me feel much safer. 

 

Like I said I went to child support court the other day.  I was one of hte last people called up in front of the judge because of the "nessessary precautions" that are taking with my case of the "sensitive nature" of the case.  UHG, specail case crap.  While I was sitting there a woman in very nice shoes and tons of jewlrey \was sitting next to me.  I thought I had really dresed up to go to court.  My nice black skirt and a nicewhite button down shirt.  Flats (still can't wear my big girl shoes) and very good hair that day.  This woman made me look like a pauper.  I almost wanted to move chairs, but refused to allow myself to feel second best.  I sat in that chair while she wiped hers down with a tissue before setting her large rump down.  She was called 3 people before me.  Her name was claire something-or-other.  Claire prroceeded to tell the court that her ex was 1200 behind in child support and that she wanted the full penelty for as much as the law would allow.  The man beside her (her ex) said that he had been off work and that he was behind in all of his bills and they put him on a payment plan in court.  Claire too-good-for-you stormed out of the courtroom and then ploped down on a bench. 

I went before the judge and said "no payment, no contact, put him in jail".  the judge said after he gets out of western missouri  that he will be arrested and I will be called at that time.  I thanked the judge got the next court date and walked out of the courtroom to wait for the childsupport lady to come and talk to me and give me a letter for work (work excusse).  While waiting I sat next to Claire-too-good.  I did it on purpose.  I wanted to write about her.  I wanted to get her story as to what makes her so high and mighty. 

Her husband worked for Ford Motor Company (something in commen) and took the buy out that was offered (see even more in commen).  They have one child and he pays 800.00 a month.  Keep in mind that man was 1200.00 behind.  Thats about a month and 1/2.  She divorced in in the last two years.  She has the house and the car, the kid and apparently the jewerly.  She is a paraleagle and wanted to make sure that me and everyone else around her "knew that she wouldn't take this type of financial abuse towards her baby".  She actually said that, financial  abuse.  I let her ramble on.  Looking for something to agree with this woman with.  I found nothing other than she seemed to love her son.  She either loves her son or hates her ex.... i prefer to think more positive, so let's just say she loves her son. 

The childsupport lady eventually walked up to me and gave me my letter.  Asked me to keep in contact and asked if everyting was quiet.  I told her it was wonderful and that the court could have child support every month just to keep smacktard locked up.  I sat back down to to put all of my papers back in my breifcase.  Claire-too-good looked at me with the open mouth gape.  "You would give up all the money behind to get rid of him?" I calmed down my racing heart, i hate people judging me.  I looked her in the eye and forced a smile and told her "he abused my family and it's better that he's gone"/.  her responce?  "My son has been abused.  He doesn't have anything anymore.  Talk about neglect.  It's good us girls can stick together." 

 

At this point I thought I would hit her.  I didn't bother faking a smile, I didn't bother to tell her to have a good day.  I stood up and walked away from this woman as quickly as I could.  I didn't look back and I didn't stop till I hit the car.  Tears were rolling down my face by the time I got to the car.  I don't know why I was crying.  Maybe because she made all of my hard work seem so meaningless.  Maybe because I was greatful that she really didn't know what abuse could be inflicted by someone that "loves" you.  The tears kept coming.  People walked by me looking at me like I was crazy.  I just sat in the car with the air on and the radio cranked up.  I sat there for 20 min.  Finally composed I drove home to put on new make up.  I thought after the hearing I would feel so much better.  After the custody hearing that is.  All it seemed to do was bring up very conflicting emotions. 

 

Who knew that this would happen.