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July 24 The boy in tthe roadFirst off sk8rtmush (i knowthats not her screen name but for some reason I always think that). is having her baby apprently!!!! Her water has broken and last note she left? She's on her way to the hospital!! best of luck baby doll!!!
on with the story. The boy in the road
Last Friday night as I was driving home from work, I was in stop and go traffic through north towne. I was behind a lady in this huge lincoln town car. Driving 35 mph tops. She rode her brake all the way there and swerved everywhere. I was cussing her in the little red lipstick car that I look so good driving. I had enough and finally made it over into the other lane. The lady had her window rolled down, and I pulled up beside her. She was talking on her cell phone. I rolled down my window. I waited politely till she was done with her conversation and then beeped my horn. She looked over and I smiled and barked. Rough rough rough rough, like pit bull through a chain link fence. She jumped a mile and then rolled up her very expensive windows and then locked her doors. I laughed my ass off. I'm not normally mean, but that day, I wwas feeling frisky.
About a mile later at another stop light, There was a guy in a jeep cheokee that was next to me che I blew him off, "yeah look to your little hearts content sweety, I'm all me." I pulled up and cranked up the music, Kid Rock, I was jammin. He pulled up beside me, he waved I smiled. I was actually flirting with a guy in traffic what had come over me?! And I was so cocky and coy about it, Almost like a girl. At the light he beeped his horn. I waaved. At the next light I ignored him, he was deparately trying to get my attention. We went throught that light and came to the next one. He ended up right behind me at this light, he had changed lanes. He got out of his truck at the red light and came over and knocked on the passengerside window, which I had rolled back up some time ago. I rolled it down and he said "excuse me, but I'm trying to get your phone number and you're making it difficult to get it when you won't talk to me. I giggled and told him he had no commensence getting out in traffic like that and to get back in his car, then I winked at him. Light turned green and I gave him the come hither finger, come here boy! He followed me to Hy-Vee and we chattted for a little bit. This boy I did get his number. He's an HVAC guy for a building downtown abut 2 miles from where I work. He gave me his number and I called him that night. He didn'tt call back.
Today he called me, we talked for a bit and he invited me to lunch next week sometime, he told him he'd call me with definete plans early next week. We shall see, who knows. The only bad thing? He's 40. I won't be 32 for eight more days. but its just lunch! It's probably nothing to be excited about, but wow, talk about a way to meet someone.
I'll type more about the "lunch date" when it actually happens. Amazing, i be sweet and kind and guys walk all over me, I bark at a lady on her cell phone, and a guy literally jumps out of his jeep to come talk to me! Who'da thumk
July 23 blog hoppingOk, shoot me now, I just went and read part of Zero's blog. It's been forever, I've been to busy to blog, much less read his blog. It just hasn't been on my things to do list. I've gotten over him now, but i still think about him from time to time. Why? I don't know but I do. Pathetic eh?
Anyways, while reading his blog, I realized something. He doesn't have the life I would want. Playing with models, granted his talent is amazing, but still.... he's in his mid-thirtys. Why? I guess everyone needs a hobby. He said something in his blog that really bothered me, and I felt so sorry for him.
"It's been a slow couple of weeks for modeling, but sometime everything else going on has to take top priority. And other times, falling asleep on the couch instead of wandering down to the basement ain't so bad either. These last few weeks have been a combination of that. ?
That is a portion of one of his blogs. I felt sorry for him :( Falling alseep on the couch, with a baby and woman, a small little family. Thats really sad, of all the things that he could be doing :( sleeping on the couch and building models, it sounds kinda lame. It makes me glad see that we didn't work out. I wouldn't like someone who would rather be building models than in bed iwth me. I wouldn't like it at all. I wwas devastated when he broke up with me though. Looking back I realize, I did love him, however, he just didn't love me the same. He loved the kids, but not like his own. How can you ever love a child that is not your own, like your own? i don't know. I had a step daughter who didn't like me, no matter what I did it wasn't enough for her or her parents. Maybe he felt like htat. However in hindsight. I'm glad we arent' together. I would have a life of my husband/boyfriend sleeping on the couch and working on models all night long. NO THANKS
I have to say, I'm happy with my life mostly. Still havn't accomplished the goals that I have recently set. However, I'm moving in the right direction, and I have a time frame in which to finish them. I'm glad Zero and I didn't make it. I think his betrayal was good for me and the kids. It pushed me into taking charge of my life, and to show me not to settle for mediocre when I should shoot for fabulous. I've learned that it's not always about having what you want, but the struggle and drive that sometimes mean so much more. My little family has really seen it's share of dog days. Days of below freezing mornings before dawn at a bus stop, days of mightmares and being terrorized by Smacktard, days of dispair when I didn't think I would ever feel normal again. I'm starting to though. I see other people and hear them talk. They tell me stories about their lives. As I liten I can't compair my life to theirs anymore. I have a life that no one else but me should have to live. Everyone's life is of their own making, and a little bit of fate. I think that I am paying some hard dues. I think there are more to come. However, everyone has their struggles. Everyone deals with their life in their own way. I've come along way from the scared beaten down woman that I was 6 years ago. I've come along ways from the pathetically broken hearted ex-girlfriend too. I've even progressed from the bus stop betty who worked temp jobs in order to make ends meet, and managed to pull it all off anyways.
I guess wwhat I'm saying is. I dont' know if you still read my blog, Zerp. I'm doin good. I dont' think about you every second anymore. I don't break down at night because I'm alone and all I can think about is you. It sounds like you got the life that you wanted, and i'm thrilled for you. I dont' hate you anymore. I'm going to be ok. -end July 20 Sorta's gang takes over a parkwas going to blog about the boy on the road but I havn't heard from him yet, so I'm going to wait till I do to blog about it.
Today my neighbor and I took our kids and a few friends to a park near here in Parkville. I had never been there before. Its really neat actually. A huge trail that goes around the park, a train that goes by, and tons of playground equipment. Cars cannot enter parts of the park because there are so many different trails and such that cross each other. I made bbq chicken wings and polish sasuage and pork loin on the grill. The loin isn't done yet but I've got it in the crock p\ot to finish cooking. It's going to be so good. I made homemade potato salad and home made macaronni salad. Fresh melon and strawberrys for desert. Talk about tons of food and very fat happy people All of the kids played in the water and made a huge mud pit, like most kids do at the park. we had a great time.
somehow i ended up with several of the guys in the group of people next to us, trying to tell me how to bbq chicken wings. i didn't need the help but 2 of them where hot 9to say the least). So I let them help me. One of them got me a beer while the tallest one (mike) tried to get my "details". All he found out? I'm not interested in seeing anyone right now, but he gave me his number anywhays in case I changed my mind. I gave him a fake phone number and then left, post haste. Kinda a dirty trick, but hey when in Rome. I feel good lately. I feel like I'm actually a girl again instead of a big mom blob. And when you turn a head, that just makes ya feel all of more better. July 19 Playing KetchupOffically my life has too much drama
And it's going on all around me. I'm dealing well though. Letting the "drama roll off" persay. The smacktard is out of the phyic facility, he's locked up in platte county jail now. Or at least he was yesterday morning. Actually, I just ccalled after typing that out, yes he's still there. He should have to remain there till tuesday when he is arraigned. I have to be there. I'm glad my work is being so kind about me taking off and being ill and bending myself up. I couldn't ask for better bosses than that ya know. She still drives me crazy but she's understanding, and thats the important thing. LOL.
Kids are getting so big. Toad is almost in middle school now. He's being doing great at home during the day. Him not being in daycare all day has really helped us out financically. (btw, i should really spell check these blogs but i never seem to remember). Bug has actually grown 1 sizes this summer~! Finally in a 7/8, can you believe it! Ally-tude-baby-angel is doing great. She loves our new place and her new room. I've decorated it all up for her, how exciting is that!!!
SBG and i finalyl talked after our last fight. I hate fighting with her, but i realy hate the fact she says some of the things that she does. She bmy best friend though, and sometimes friends fight. SPeaking of friends, Lil Bit and I are a little weird right now. Him and his g/f are splitting up. She's being seeing someone else (kinda, on the internet and a few times in person i think(. They were already pretty much done I think though by the time that it got to that. Bit's been drinkin alot, and that worries me. He told me that hissister had ccalled him and told himthat talking to me really hurt sherry. I told him I thought that maybe Sister Bit might be right. It might have really hurt her heart. He kinda blew it off to me, sayin g"yeah well she should have said something". I said yeah just for conversation but it really got me to thinking. He was using me to make her jealous. Whats worse, is that I didn't knowhwat was going on in his head about me and him. Finally, I gathered up the balls and let him know. I told him that I really didn't want anything with us rightnow. I have way too much on my plate and that I love him, of course I do, I always will. BUt right now things just aren't in a good place for a relationship. I also told him I didn't want to be the rebound g/f. I want to be the one, if it ever came down to it. To my delight he agreed. He wasn't angry. In fact he said that things just wouldn't work right now for us. With him in the service and me settled here in kc. He said that he didn't want to uproot my life and that he couldn't get out of the service. Little secret? If my life wasn't so fucked up right now, I would move for him. I'd follow him anywhere. I won't tell him that though, there is no need for him to know that. After all, it's not like i'm looking for anything and we are only friends. No matter what has been said behind closed doors. No matter what Sherry or Sister Bit thinks. They are wrong. Nothing other than friendship is here at this point. He still lives in the same house wwith her! He's done things to sherry that i want to kick his ass for. and some things that she's done to him that aren't so great either. I feel terrible for both of them. They lost a wonderful relationship because they both forgot how to love each other and how to stick it out forever. I have been there, with Zero, and it's hard I know it is. I hate the fact that Sister Bit would say the things that she does about me, but I guess that it doesn't really matter. I don't live my life for her. The sad part that pertains to me? It put a strain on my friendship with Lil bit. We used to talk for hours, and noww, we still talk but it's not the same. It's gaurded, watching wwhat we say and how we saay it. Careful not to cross the line, i hate convos like that. I want to be able to talk to people without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. Trying not to say something that might hurt Sherry's feelings. Regardless of howw she feels about me, I still think she's a pretty decent person. We used to be friends too. I kept trying to talk to her and be friendsly but she never really talked back to me. Basically i left messages and emails for her, and hse never got back to me. I gave up after awhile. I hate to give up on bit totally yet though. We know each other at the foundation, and no one else knows me like that. We are friends, and thats all I want. I wish she would understand that. maybe some day she will. he lovevs her, she loves him, its just not a good situation. Perhaps i'm making it worse.
Other than that, not much is going on. Seen a car get swarmed by cops and helidopter at my friend Tae's house. That wasinteresting, however very scarey. It was like watching COPS (on TV) sitting on her front porch. National Convention is coming up for work, so i've been really busy with that. Kids start school in a month. Life is starting to level out. I know I havn't been writing, my dear constant reader, I've just been busy. being a single mom is hard work, and it gets hectic. Perhaps I'll right about the "Boy in the Road" next time. Till then....... July 16 It's...... complicatedHowdy and all of that! I'm getting around better now. I only have a small limp now. My back feels much better. Not near as bad as it was right after the wreck. The Smacktard is still locked up in the phyic facility! I went to child support court the other day. The judge that hears the child support hearings also has heard all 3 restraining orders and the divorce too. He told me that if and when smacktard gets out of jail that he will be placed in custody unit time that he can get together bail. Which helps me to sleep good at night. I'm really likeing not looking over my shoulder, and sleeping with one eye open. He's someplace now where he can't get out. And that my friends makes me feel much safer.
Like I said I went to child support court the other day. I was one of hte last people called up in front of the judge because of the "nessessary precautions" that are taking with my case of the "sensitive nature" of the case. UHG, specail case crap. While I was sitting there a woman in very nice shoes and tons of jewlrey \was sitting next to me. I thought I had really dresed up to go to court. My nice black skirt and a nicewhite button down shirt. Flats (still can't wear my big girl shoes) and very good hair that day. This woman made me look like a pauper. I almost wanted to move chairs, but refused to allow myself to feel second best. I sat in that chair while she wiped hers down with a tissue before setting her large rump down. She was called 3 people before me. Her name was claire something-or-other. Claire prroceeded to tell the court that her ex was 1200 behind in child support and that she wanted the full penelty for as much as the law would allow. The man beside her (her ex) said that he had been off work and that he was behind in all of his bills and they put him on a payment plan in court. Claire too-good-for-you stormed out of the courtroom and then ploped down on a bench.
I went before the judge and said "no payment, no contact, put him in jail". the judge said after he gets out of western missouri that he will be arrested and I will be called at that time. I thanked the judge got the next court date and walked out of the courtroom to wait for the childsupport lady to come and talk to me and give me a letter for work (work excusse). While waiting I sat next to Claire-too-good. I did it on purpose. I wanted to write about her. I wanted to get her story as to what makes her so high and mighty.
Her husband worked for Ford Motor Company (something in commen) and took the buy out that was offered (see even more in commen). They have one child and he pays 800.00 a month. Keep in mind that man was 1200.00 behind. Thats about a month and 1/2. She divorced in in the last two years. She has the house and the car, the kid and apparently the jewerly. She is a paraleagle and wanted to make sure that me and everyone else around her "knew that she wouldn't take this type of financial abuse towards her baby". She actually said that, financial abuse. I let her ramble on. Looking for something to agree with this woman with. I found nothing other than she seemed to love her son. She either loves her son or hates her ex.... i prefer to think more positive, so let's just say she loves her son.
The childsupport lady eventually walked up to me and gave me my letter. Asked me to keep in contact and asked if everyting was quiet. I told her it was wonderful and that the court could have child support every month just to keep smacktard locked up. I sat back down to to put all of my papers back in my breifcase. Claire-too-good looked at me with the open mouth gape. "You would give up all the money behind to get rid of him?" I calmed down my racing heart, i hate people judging me. I looked her in the eye and forced a smile and told her "he abused my family and it's better that he's gone"/. her responce? "My son has been abused. He doesn't have anything anymore. Talk about neglect. It's good us girls can stick together."
At this point I thought I would hit her. I didn't bother faking a smile, I didn't bother to tell her to have a good day. I stood up and walked away from this woman as quickly as I could. I didn't look back and I didn't stop till I hit the car. Tears were rolling down my face by the time I got to the car. I don't know why I was crying. Maybe because she made all of my hard work seem so meaningless. Maybe because I was greatful that she really didn't know what abuse could be inflicted by someone that "loves" you. The tears kept coming. People walked by me looking at me like I was crazy. I just sat in the car with the air on and the radio cranked up. I sat there for 20 min. Finally composed I drove home to put on new make up. I thought after the hearing I would feel so much better. After the custody hearing that is. All it seemed to do was bring up very conflicting emotions.
Who knew that this would happen. June 26 I aked for itand it was received...
Sence court I've really been doing some soul searching. Smacktard twisted my thoughts on religion. In my mind me made god perverse and something totally different in my soul. In fact God and I have been at odds now for almost a decade. Its really been that long. Ever sence basically the smacktard and i got married. At one point lately I started to pray. It was a prayer that was pretty continuous. Asking questions of why, and never getting a responce. I felt more like I was talking to myself. Monday night when I got off work, I had pretty much decided that I was talking to myself and that there was no God that could hear me. Keep in mind, I'm not walking around mumbling, this is all in my head. Oh yeah, voices in the head, now thats a good sign of a sound stable mind. LOL. I was driving through the city to get home. There is a highway, or actually several, but the Bronco isn't getting around very well. She's basically won't go over 45 mph. Im babying her so that she will keep running. I've been taking the bus 2 times a week and then driving the other 3 so that I can work the overtime. My normal street that I drive down was closed off, so I jumped over two blocks to Holmes. At 10th street I turned and thought, I'm going to quit thinking about this. This is useless. I started driving up the slight hill on the green light. As I drove up the hill, I thought "maybe a sign". I'll look for a sign or if there is a god, maybe he'll give me a sign of his prescence. Right then out of the corner of my eye came my sign. A 2005 acura had run a red light and barrlled down on me. She hit the front of the bronco and tore off the bumper, from there she spum me down the dstreet where I hit a pole and came to rest. The ambulance picked me up and put me on a board and took me to a hospital. I was in the ER for 7 hours while they e-rayed every part of my body. I couldn't move my legs for a bit. Finally after time and some effort I can more both of my legs again. My left hip is pretty messed up. No broken bones, no lacerations or stitched. I did hit my head pretty good. Still not hearing really well out of my left ear. However, at the hosptial, my nurse told me that I was very lucky it could have been so much worse. She said that someone up there was watching over me. She was really shocked I didn't have one cut anywhere on my body. Bruises yes, but no cuts. The nurse dropped a wink at me and smiled down at me strapped to a board with tears rolling down my face. She told me that no one understands why these things happen, but God does things in his own time. Her silver cross was shiney and seemed to glow. I didn't mention anything about god, she just started spouting it off.
Strange how things all tie into gether. I'm at home now. My back is still messed up and I'm off work till Monday. I have a rental car and it's ok i guess. Its not my beloved rusted out bronco that i named Vera. It's a little red car with no character or personality. but it's a nice car and it's better than walking :) Becareful what you ask for, because my friends, a car will come barrelling through an interection and change your life . June 17 Reaons... this time, it workedTonight, I have other news to share. Same old story diferent ending. Smacktard has been locked up in Western Missouri Phyciatric Facility. Yesterday apparenlty while in custody he threw an ungodly fit. After I lef tthe building, they arreigned the Smacktard for failur to pay child support. Whille being arreigned, smacktard screamed at the judge and thew some papers at the judge from what I hear. I would love to find out exactly what happened with that. I would have lvoed to be a fly on the wall. He is curently in the facility for 96 hours. The facility is expected to retain him for 21 days. People believe me now. Better him locked up than waalking around. They actually escoted him out in handcuffs and anklecuffs with a chain through the middle. I would like to say I feel sorry for him. I don't. He deserves it, every last little bit of humliation and torment that he is undergoing now. For the next 21 days, I can sleep all night. That does my heart good. June 16 Chapter XIII The Smacktard Sagaas promised.... the possible end of Smacktard
Today was teh day in court over the custody of the kids, the day of the Smacktard. Finally, a trial on the matter. In brief legal terms. Smacktard has no visiation rights to the minor children. He is not to be within 500 feet of them at any time. Child support is stayed at this time. None shall acrue until said date that Smacktard hears from teh judge at the disability hearing. Smacktard is in contempt of court on multiple accounts, and was arrested after court on an outstanding child support warrent totalliong over 25 thousand dollars. Smacktard was relased at 3:00pm. Smacktard acted pro-se in teh trial.
In leagal stance that is exactly what happened. Front my stand poit here is what happened. I threw up twice. I was cross examined by Satan himself, and could do nothing to rid the world of him. He was out of jail only three hours after accusing me of sleeping with the judge. The entire thing was a 3 ringed circus. Start to finish.
From the point on I have full leagal, sole, and physical custody of all three of my wonderfull should who drive me crazy, but whom I coudln't life without. I do not have to notify him if I move or change information. I do have to keep the c ourt informed, but I'm ok with that I guess. I also have the satisfaction of knowing that bastard is going to rot in hell for the things that he has done. The only right he has to my kids now, is the right to pay child support.
Now that court is over, I want to get rid of everything that reminds me of Smacktard. Part of the grid of everything is moving on in life. Not letter the memories or the fear haunt me for the rest of my life. Today i saw how pathetic he really is, I will not be scared of him anymore. Today was my day in court, and I let him have it. i did it the right way. Evern thought I'm not happy about Smacktard being out of jail, I could have come away with this alot worse than I did. I came aay with my kids, and that was the entire reason for this whole fight.
End chaper Smacktard A little about me, Final breakdown with Smacktard... completedI had court today withe the smacktard. I don't really want to talk about it yet. I will start writing about it soon. I have alot that I have to process, and to be honest, it was a really hard ordeal for me being in the same room with him again. You would think I wouldn't be scared anymore.... go figure. Anyways, Lil Bit and I were talking about our chineese zodiacs the other day. I'm a Leo. I'm also a dragon. My birthday is Aug 3, 1976. That makes me born in the year of the fire dragon. To say I'm a firey person is a compliment to me! Anyways, below are what it says about me from what I've compiled. It's interesting how much of this is like me when I'm not a basketcase of nerves. I see this person coming out more and more! Viva la Sorta!!!
The Dragon personality The Dragon is a creature of myth and legend. A symbol of good fortune and sign of intense power, the Oriental Dragon is regarded as a divine beast - the reverse of the malicious monster that Westerners felt necessary to find and slay. In Eastern philosophy, the Dragon is said to be a deliverer of good fortune and a master of authority. Therefore, those people born in Dragon years are to be honored and respected. FIRE DRAGON Horoscope Dragon people are the most eccentric in the Chinese Zodiac. Soaring high into the serene heavens, they can be stubborn, passionate, excitable, honest, and brave, wear purple and walk barefoot in public fountains. They listen to their own drummer, thank you very much, while the rest of the world stands in amazement. People always admire their individuality and feisty personality. Dragons are capable of doing great work for mankind and they inspire trust in almost everyone. The Dragon symbolizes life and growth and is said to bring the five blessings: harmony, virtue, riches, fulfillment and longevity.Downright electrifying, Fire Dragons breathe vigor and power. These natural leaders smile at adversity, turn complainers into optimists, and lead lives as inspired as a Beethoven Sonata. They are square shooters in dealing with individuals and are often called upon to mediate disputes. Because they care so much about people, Fire Dragons like to support charitable causes and bring friends together for elegant evening soirees. These Dragons are fired with ambition, unflagging enthusiasm, and intelligence and enjoy most impressive careers as a result. Despite all the money they make, Finance is a big question mark. Money is easy come easy go. Until they control their spending habits, money will just go flying in the wind. Romantics at heart, Fire Dragons can't help playing Matchmaker. They're pretty lucky, too! As for themselves, they ooze charisma and never need anyone to fix them up. Successful in love, often placed on pedestals, Fire Dragons are attractive and have fire in the belly. The opposite sex feels very secure. LEONINE DRAGON Dragon*Snake Clever, crafty and quick-witted-you fit together like pieces of a puzzle.
THE DRAGON IN LOVE
IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION LOVERS AND SPOUSES
Negatively, Dragons are egotistical and love to be the center of attention. Modesty is not one of his assets. Add to that the Dragon temper and you have a bossy, dominating and authoritative being. They hate solicited advice and can be hopelessly tactless and insensitive to their lovers.
The key to the Dragon personality is that Dragons are the free spirits of the Zodiac. Conformation is a Dragon's curse. Rules and regulations are made for other people. Restrictions blow out the creative spark that is ready to flame into life. Dragons must be free and uninhibited. The Dragon is a beautiful creature, colorful and flamboyant. An extroverted bundle of energy, gifted and utterly irrepressible, everything Dragons do is on a grand scale - big ideas, ornate gestures, extreme ambitions. However, this behavior is natural and isn't meant for show. Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful. Dragons usually make it to the top. However, Dragon people be aware of their natures. Too much enthusiasm can leave them tired and unfulfilled. Even though they are willing to aid when necessary, their pride can often impede them from accepting the same kind of help from others. Dragons' generous personalities give them the ability to attract friends, but they can be rather solitary people at heart. A Dragon's self-sufficiency can mean that he or she has no need for close bonds with other people.
CHARACTERISTICS
HEALTH
Dragons take thrilling risks and burn the candle at both ends so they are fortunate to be blessed with good health. Among the most hearty of the Animal signs, they can suffer bad health as a result of stress. Symptoms of their personalities often stem from emotional outbursts and can range from tension headaches to depression to hypertension. Dragons can remedy these problems by maintaining their cool, implementing a routine in their daily lives, and utilizing exercises such as yoga or tai kwon do that soothe the mind and spirit as well as tone the body.
Not the most domesticated of the Animal signs, Dragons and may be more content out and about rather than at home. Nevertheless, with their imagination and artistic sense, they can enjoy decorating their home or anywhere else where their extravagance can be expressed.. A Dragon's home should be as large and majestic as his personality, providing space for the fiery temperament or emotional eruptions that accompany their character.
DRAGONS MAKE EXCELLENT:
LIKES AND DISLIKES
Since Dragons are born under the same Animal sign, they often share likes and dislikes. Following are similar likes and dislikes of the Dragon personality:
Color Preference: Greenish-Blue
Gems and Stones: Opal, Sapphire, Amber
Suitable Gifts: Tarot cards, camera, a copy of the I Ching, mirror, a family crest, mobile phone
Hobbies and Pastimes: Computer programming, public speaking, fossil hunting, astrology
Dragons Dislike: Taking orders, unnecessary bureaucracy, discounted ideas, people who don't give 100%
THE DRAGON ON VACATION
Dragons are attracted by the bizarre. No self-respecting Dragon desires to walk in a tourist's footsteps. Instead, they take a lot of gratification in finding hidden destinations, or, closer to home, locations off the beaten track. But Dragons also need thrills, which they might find by taking an unplanned winter break to go skiing or a spontaneous rock climbing trip in the spring. They may even test their bravery by daring to ride the highest roller coaster in the world. Dragons are also sentimental at heart, so conquering their childhood haunts, or taking a second honeymoon would bring immense pleasure too.
FRIENDS AND ENEMIES
Dragons are usually popular people, but because of their personalities, they seem to gather as much criticism as they do esteem. Due to their tumultuous temperaments, Dragons are not the most sensitive friends to those in need of a shoulder to cry on. Those who truly know the Dragon know he is a loving soul who will become your best ally in times of need. Once the dynamic Dragon has given his friendship, he will not let his friends down and will never falter in his allegiance to his companions. To a Dragon, a friend is a friend for a lifetime. Incredibly honest, Dragons are known for sincerity and are trusting souls. Because of this honesty, Dragons don't realize others may not demonstrate or uphold the same codes of ethics. Making the discovery that they placed their trust in someone who is dishonest makes the Dragon person quite sad, yet much more perceptive for future encounters.
Compatible Friends
Best Friends: Rats and Monkeys
Mortal Enemy: Dogs
DRAGON PARENTS AND BABIES
Because people born in the year of the Dragon are so working on furthering their careers, they usually Put off having and raising children until later than many of the other Chinese horoscope signs. Parenting doesn't come very naturally easily to the Dragon. However, when Dragons do become parents, they approach it with the same enthusiasm as other endeavors. They are proud parents and tend to boast about the accomplishments and good looks of their children.
DRAGON INFANT AND CHILD
Dog children are creative, able to entertain themselves for hours on end. They don’t mind playing by themselves, often inventing games and puzzles while doing so. They are responsible children who love to take on and complete as many tasks as possible for it gives them a sense of accomplishment. DRAGON PARENT/CHILD KINSHIPS
Like their adult counterparts, children born in the Year of the Dragon have vivid personalities and are independent from birth. Noisy and active, parents should stimulate their imaginations as soon as possible. Their imagination and inquisitive natures can be troublesome for the Dragon child and can often land them in a heap of trouble at school which can cause teachers and other parents to deem them troublemakers or naughty. Sometimes Dragon children are loners who daydream and drift to into their own world of make-believe. Either way, Dragon children demand careful attention and special handling in order to bring out the best in them. Their creativity and talents must be encouraged, even if it means spending extra time in certain school subjects in order to help them master the subject. .
DRAGON PARENT/CHILD RELATIONSHIPS
June 13 Hey, the crazy curly haired girl returnsNote to constant reader. I havn't been blogging. I know I havn't. Sometimes life is too busy to sit down. Finally, I have a moment to have a seat and relax before I begin a task.
I am going to have to do something tonight. I have to sit down and answer some very personal questions about a lot of things that I put being me with Satan. The years of abuse and the years and on going torment that goes along with it. I know that alot of things in the blog have to do about my fights against him. I have to reread all of that tonight and have the information to him by tomarrow morning. Him meaning my atty. I wonder if to my readers that I appear to be whiney and attention demanding. I also wonder if you think I'm phycotic and deranged at times. Maybe that I am a totally obsessive compulsive freak. I'm getting ready to find out if I think that those things are true. Alot of what i write may seem garbled and nonscence, but it makes perfect sence to me. I will be able to read into my own words. I'm a little scared of how it's going to turn out. I'm not the sad scared mess of a dreamer that I used to be. I still dream. I dream big. I set goals for myself. I live by goals really. Anymore its a compeition with myself. I find that I have really become a very stable well rounded invividual. I have walked a lone and I have paid some very hard dues to Karma for anything I have done or will do. I look at life differently than others see it I think. I really do try to look for the good of life. There is good dout there in life. It's finding it that the whole living experience worthwhile.
Wish e luck as I delve into the realm of my writing side. The side that I use to get out all of the frustration and bitterness of life that i cannot let go of anywhere else. What I affectatly call my "deranged" side. I really have not been looking foward to this. May 28 Moved and Settling INWell we are offically moved. .... thankgod
If it's one thing that I hate doing, it's packing, and moving. After the last try to move to Nebraska, I didn't think I could do it again. But we did. We moved to our bigger, better located, nicer, and so much quieter. Things have been great. I changed my address, changed the daycare, and I changed phone numbers. Life couldn't be sweeter. Lots has happened sence last I wrote. I was in the hospital for a week, I had kidney surgery. Home two days then we started moving. My dad came up with the trailor about 4 days after I was home from the hospital. I'm still not 100% but I haven't felt this good in a long time. The kids love the new house. You should have seen them trying to pick out their rooms. I gave the boys the master bedroom. It has the bathroom and the bigger closet. It's also a little bigger than the other two bedrooms, but there are 2 of them and i told both of my little men that I expected itt to be kept very very clean. Lets see how they hold up to it. We've actually been in the new place for about a week now, but the cable did interweb didn't get turned on till Saturday, and with the holiday weekend i've been too busy to post.
The kids and I did start something new. We have started walking-running a mile a day. Run till we can't run anymore then we walk at a brisk pace. Maybe I can shed that extra 20 pounds that don't seem to want to go away. LOL... Hope all is well with everyone else and that things are better with the brighter weather! May 05 Sleeping in my own bed............ packing up, throwing away, starting new
We are back at home now. After 5 days "on the run" basically staying with family and friends, we are home now. I hate picking up andhiding, I feel really helpless and out of control. I feel stupid for being scared, but with past history it's hard not to be scared. It's always better to be safe than sorry, however, explaining to 3 kids why we are staying other places than at home, is difficult. they bought it the first few nights, but after that, Toadman sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that he wanted to know EXACTLY what was going on. I told him that Daddy was being a little crazy. Toadman slept on my brothers couch that night. On the opposit end from me. I'm scared one day what will happen when Toad gets big enough to do some serious damage if he hits you. Not fearing him for my own sake, but for Smacktards sake. Toad has alot of built up anger and resentment for him. Toad is not a violent kid, however, if provoked... he will be a force to be reckoned with. Toadman has seen too much and heard too much. There is no hiding the fact that his dad is one evil son of a bitch.
Other than that, we are packing up. Throwing away things that we haven't used in forever. Papers that are a year old, or the millions of cottage cheese/tupperware containers that I have accumulated. No need for 12 towels, we can work with 8. Thats 2 towels a piece. I did find a little pink robot with my birthday on it. Zero made it for me. I've debated keeping it or tossing it. In the end, I kept it. I wrapped it very very carefully and put it into a cottage cheese container and labeled do not open. I figured that would be the best way to handle it. I don't obsess over him anymore. Just perfer to not open that container for a very long time. I also found my dried up and wilted 4 lear clover, that the Denny's Boy found when we went to the park one day. I put it in a ziplock baggy and taped it to the outside of Zero's Cottage Cheese Container. Sometimes finding little stuff is cool. Something to remind you of where you came from.
Kids are doing great also, they are getting bigger everyday. We went to Middle School orientation today for Toad. My baby is growing so fast. Tude is getting ready for her new school and so is Bug. They are so wonderful, so perfect yet so annoying at the same time. Without them, I'm not sure I could have gotten through these past few years. With them, I'm so much more. April 28 On the run... and I hate it.
Well as if you couldn't guess by now. Smacktard is on a war path. It used to be his episodes only happened every 2 or 3 months. Lately, it has been happening every two or three weeks. Last week it happened twice in the same week. Monday afternoon, I walked out the door at work and was on the cell phone with a friend of mine. I had a call come in and I didn't recognize the number. I clicked over and it was Smacktard. He said "i can see you" and then he laughed. I looked around and didn't see him, but I'm standing next to the street, and there is a parking lot on the other side of the street and a huge church on the opposit street. He could have been anywhere. I felt so helpless, like a mouse with a hawk circleing. I made haste back up to work. I worked over that night and took a different way home from work. I also called the school and we went on stand-by. Like we do every time that the moron starts acting the fool. The daycare picks up the kids everynight from school and then transports them to daycare. Then I pick them up from daycare. When we go on stand-by when Smacktard is on a rampage. The daycare picks up the kids from the inside of the school. They walk through the backdoor and then get into a car in the back of the building. While at school the kids can't go out to recess, there is no fence in the back of the school yard, and I've asked for them to stay in, yet i digress. So the daycare worker drives them to daycare and then my kids have to stay inside till i get there. It really sucks for them. All of the other kids going outside to play and them having to stay in, but it's the only thing that I can do to keep them safe at all cost. Wednesday, I was in the emergency room with a kidney infection. I passed out at work and then they took me to the ER. Which was embaressing as well as really painful. I was out on sick leave on Thursday and then Friday about 10am I got a call from Smacktard. He was talking crazy shit. Something about me lighting a lumber yard on fire and then sleeping with the judge and his atty. Then the text messages started. Let me give you some text messages here.
Duplicate (got this one 2 times): OIC Are you going to tell the court with your feet up in the air?
Duplicate (got this one 5 times): Do you remember all the daed animals we found around the house? How do you think they got there? Is Toadman still chanting?
Dupicate (this one came in a whopping 12 times) I will have the USA (including you) pay for my childsupport PS I am not letting u go, on finding you molesting Toaddman. Rest assured. I'll spend my vioxx settlement.
(only got this one once) Are you a good person
Duplicate (i just counted again and I counted 22 however, I think I may have missed one or added one) Lose. I will never talk to you when they arrest you. I will never let you see the kids. Toadman will live in a home for abused kids. Won't that make you feel good.
Duplicate (this only only came 7 times) Did you know that the judges stgenographer died in the court house? I found it unusual that he called you dayna .... - side note. apparently there is hooker on Craigs list that looks similar to me in one picture. Her name is Dayna. I know this because i looked after being called a prositute by him for over 2 months.
(only once) Let's get this party started, call me, I miss you let's meet
Needless to say, I was a little creeped out. Over 50 text messages in 2 hours. I called the school and put them on standby again! Twice in one week! No sooner did I do that and then the GAL (the kids atty) called me at work. She wanted to let me know that Smacktard had called her 5 times and sent her 3 emails telling her that I was sleeping with the judge and that I had killed people for fun and that I was molesting children and then setting them on fire. She wanted to let me know that he sounded really desparate. She also added that she had hoped that I had moved and that she was worried about the safety of me and the kids. I have to admit I wasn't feeling very safe. I called my dad and asked him to pick up the kids and take them to the farm with him. I had to work on Saturday for being off on Thursday. So with the kids well on their way to my dads in Podunk, I worked till a later time than normal and then drove home. I drove down the road almost to my aparemtn and who did I see sitting there? Smacktard. I didn't even stop I kept driving almost in a panic. He was at my house. I drove by the community center in front of the school and seen a cop. I drove to him, breifly told him what was going on, and then he was at my house waiting to hurt me. The cop followed me back over there, but in the 10 mintues that it took to explain it to the cop, Smacktard had left the building, literally.
So I stayed at home Friday night alone, I slept with a piece of rebar that ive got bent into a hook that hangs over my front door. I woke up at 5:30 and headed out to work. I got there and started working. Was done for the day by noon. I headed down to my dads house and stayed with them and hung out with the kids. This morning on the way to work, i felt like every nerve in my body was wound tight. All the way to work I looked over my shoulder, and then I stayed inside while I worked 10 hours today. The kids didn't goet to go outside, and I felt like a caged animal. We are hiding from the outside, trying to stay within a controled enviroment. The bad thing is that things are back in nightmare form with Smacktard. When I got home there was a message on the machine. THE GAL had called. Smacky had left her 31 messages over the weekend in her email. Now with that said, I'm glad that he's finalloy showing someone else that he's completely insnane. Until then, I'll go on avoiding the sun.
April 24 Quote of the DayComing home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad:
whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive,
we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
April 21 Two Jokes (for a change)
..... thanks so Sherri and my dad :) These jokes are grand!
April 20 Happiness in Twos!I havn't been blogging much. I know that I used to all the time, yet I still havn't blogged much. There have been a few very good things that have happened lately. First, my step-sister's boyfriend purposed. He has been going to school in Indiana. They had been living together for a long time before that. Anyways, they both moved to Indiana where he was going to school. My stepsister was home sick and came back home and was sending money back to help him while in school. Hlelping to pay the bills, so he could work part time and go to school. They got togehter when they could and talked alot. Texting and calling back ad forth. They did it for 8 months. Monday morning my step sister went to pick him up from the air port and she waited for him at the terminal area where you wait. As soon as he got over the little barrier area he dropped everything he was doing and walked up to her, kissed her, got down on one knee and said "I can't live amother day, K____, I can't live without you. Will you marry me." I guess everyone in the terminal area was lookin at them. Everyone clapped and my step sister cried and then cried and sobbed and cried. He's a really great guy, and he works so hard at everything that he does. She loves him more than anything. She's been miserable with him. I'm so happy for them both!! When Georgia called and told me I was so thrilled!! I've got tears in my eyes writing this! I couldn't be happier for them!
The second piece of good news!! I got it!!! I got the apartment!! I pick up the keys on May 15th. ......... (here I digress)......It's very hard to put into words what I am feeling. Just to say happy doesn't scratch the surface. To say elated isn't quite right because at the same time I'm scared to freaking death. I'm a mile from a bus line. A mile. How in the hell am i going to get to work when the Bronco breaks down. I have some other things I can do. I can walk it, I can ride a bike. When school is in session, I can send the kids to daycare at the school. Thats not a bad idea I suppose. I'm going to have to buy a car and buy it fast. Maybe, just maybe when I get the yearly raise in june, I'll get more than a cost of living raise. I think I have put in alot of effort and deserve a little more than what I'm being paid. I think thats a commen "misconnception" as far as the corperate world thinks. Maybe if I do though, I can afford a small car payment. Or at least save up money to buy a good used car from someone. I am so relieved to move out of this place though. I am worried about making plans for the next step more than anything. But can you imagion waking up in the morning and going to your own bathroom? I havn't been to the bathroom alone in 11 years. One time at 3am I got up to pee, and sure enough Tude knocked on the door. Mom what are you doing? UHG! But now I will be able too. To be able to go to sleep at a decent hour, and not have the sound of 3 neighbors in your building all cranked up to the same station with amps a booming. This is a great move for us! I'm just nervous about how much still has to be done.
For some reason, I keep thinking about when we packed up the house to move to Nebraska. We all know how that turned out, I see no need to revisit old haunts.
Even though, I just sounded really pssimistic about moving, I'm not. There is so many emotions that I'm feeling. Sadness, anxious, relieved, indimidated. Even disoriented. This is a huge task that I'm scared to do, but know that I've really worked hard to get this far. So my blog didn't start out the way that I wanted it to. But in the end, does anything ever turn out the way that you expect it to?
April 08 Maybe.... cross your fingers
Today at work, was making all of my monthly calls. Child support enforcement, rent, phone bill, electric bill. You know all of those wonderful calls that we make to bills or let someone know that we are still alive. I called the rent people to ask them how much my rent is sence my recert. I couldn't remember for the life of me. They only take money orders too. So I can't check my bank info from work, I have to go home and physically have the file in hand. Grrrrrr. Anyways, I paid a credit last month, thinking this month I will have a 100.00 credit. Would you believe they told me that I didn't have a credit. Not only that but I was paying almost a hundred dollars too much for the past 3 months! Thats 400.00 that they jipped me for! to tell me that I had a 12.00 late fee to add to my rent! I was hot! I told them I wanted a copy of the ledger immediatly, and that I shouldn't have to pay anything for this month! My rent is 400.00 and thats what ya'll owe me! She basically told me, pay your rent or get out. What the hell am I supposed to do? Live on the street? Furious, after finishing our conversation, I went back to typing out those stupid SOP's that I don't have time to do. No sooner did I get into my work again, and myh phone rang. I was annoyed and almost barked when I answered the phone. I'm very good on the phone, and usually have excellent PR skills. I was in no mood for stupid blue hairs who do not read very well.
I answered the phone, not wanting to, and almost with an attitude. The lady on the phone blew me out of the water! I had put in for another apartment in another apartment complex. I had forgotten about it actually. Long story short, I was on a waiting list. Apparently, that list come up to me finally. This is for one that I put in for right after Zero and i broke up! She said that if I could get there this afternoon, that I could come in and fill out an application, and give her 35.00 for a credit check. I was there right after work. She sat with me while I filled out my application and all of the other information. The kids played quietly, very well mannered. I was so very proud of them. They were great kids! (I made a mental note.... bug juices from the little store). Anyways, after all the paperwork ws filled out, she showed us the inside of one of the 2 bedroom apartments. I felt like I was walking into a masion! LOL, litterally! There were so many cabinets that I think i'll need more dishes. Not only cabinets but 2 pantries! A hallway closet, a built in book shelf, a built in bar. Patio area with a little storage place off to the side. Built in dishwasher! I have one now but it's a roll around. The bedrooms aren't as big as the ones that we have now, but they have full walk in closets. A bath and 1/2. The kids fell in love with the 2 bedroom. They asked a ton of questions. Toad asked if there was anytihng that the apartment complex did to be "more green". After explaining to the lady what he was talking about, she laughed. Doodle asked her if there were other kids that lived in the building. Tude was concerned that the apartment complex didn't have a pool. As cute as they were though, they were on my nerves. LOL, i was busy talking to the lady. There is no garage but there is covered parking. Tude and Bug will be walking across the playground at school to come home. It's THAT close to the school. Only thing between the school and the apartments is the playground. Toad goes to Middle School next year, nothing will change for him, but ourhome address. He'll still follow. Tude will have to make new friends. She's always been good about that though. Doodle bug is the one that I worry about. I hope that this will be a good change for him though! I'm so excited about this place. There is a community center for the kids, and a huge playground with picnic tables and benches! There is a laundry facility with cameras! There is security that patrols the area at night, but she said that they really don't do much other than hang out. There isn't much crime.
I could handle this. It's 100.00 more a month than I'm paying now. However, if I cut corners and maybe quit smoking, I woud still save a ton of money. This is the next step for me. Moving forward with my life, and gaining momentum. I said that I knew there was more to life than what I've got. SC is right, I do have alot to be thankful for. I do think it's ok to be lonely. I don't need anyone to change my life. I didn't realize that was exactly what I was wanting though. It's so clear, yet I couldn't see it for myself. (((((( SC )))))))) thanks for pointing that out. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Well find out if my credit is ok enough to move in. April 06 Spring Revelations...... it's about time
I feel alot better than I did the other night. I've been focusing on the kids, and on work. Trying to just go with the flow for a bit. Something happened the other day. I ran into Beau. Literally, ran right into him. I was backingup looking at a newspaper article at QT, not paying attention to where I was going. Bump! There he was. I looked at him, but heooked different to me. He looked old and used up. He honestly looked like he was nursing a hang over. Suddenly, I didn't feel so unwanted anymore. I didn't feel that sharp sting of rejection! He's a drunk, thats all he ever was. What the hell was I thinking! He was still charming, and he still had that great smile. It was like his whole persona was just a cover for the demon that I could see underneath! I could see the mean words that he said to me. I could see the look on his face walking in and watching him with the red-head. I wasn't angry anymore. I didn't feel the need to reach out and punch him in the nose. I didn't want to do anything to him. I felt pity for him. This is how our conversation went:
Me: Hey
Beau: Hey there, havn't seen ya around, how ya been
Me: Doin good thanks.
Beau: How are the kids
Me: They are kids
Beau: Still workin at the same place? (handing his money to the cashier)
Me: Yeah, still doin construction?
Beau: Yeah, getting ready to go to school to be an electrician.
Me: Good for you (handing my money to the cashier)
-- we both walk out of Quick Trip -
Beau: I've missed you, I was hoping maybe we could talk
Me: There really is nothing to talk about, I need to pick up the kids, I gotta go.
Beau: Well maybe later we could talk, I'll call ya
Me: Sure, whatever
(I turned and got into the Bronco and then drove away)
I watched him in my rear-view. He watched me leave. Then he sat in his car and watched while I picked u the kids. I took more that enough time inside the daycare. When we came out, he was gone. I really liked Beau. I sincerly did, but as of right now? I pity him. I feel sorry for him because he's alone. I want to reach out and touch him and make things better, at the same time, the farther away from him I get, the better off I'll be. Just like Zero, just like the Denny's Boy, Beau will fade away. He'll become another memory, and I will be able to live with that. Truth be known? I don't want anybody. I just want me and the kids. That's all the everything that I need. I'm starting to hate men sometimes. Then other times, they are just people too. Not evil demons lurking underneath everything else. April 01 I've been around just not writingI have been around... just havn't felt like writing much. I've been reading alot. I found this today, read it online actually. He's selling an e-book. Am I going to buy it? Oh hell, no. Most of the book I've been reading lately are the books that my councelor has been giving me, or lending to me. She says that I've come a long ways, but I think that I'm not doing as well as I should be doing. I've been a little depressed. Always upset, never seeing the bright side. I didn't even realize it. Looking back through my blogs, I can see where the depression has been coming in to play. She says that I'm a good person, and that the reason that I get hurt so easily is because I feel like everything is my fault. She said that I blame myself for more than I should. She also says that I'm more resiliant than I think and that the amount of determination that I have is astounding. She actually used that word astounding. I was astounded by that. LOL. Anyhow, she says that it's always hard to change old habits. She said I'll never meet someone if I don't let go of all of the hurt, and realize the true potential in myself. I know that she's just trying to make me feel good. I feel good about myself lately. She wants me to go on anti-depressants but I've been really stubborn about not taking them. For one, they cost money, something I don't have alot of. Another thing, I don't want to take a "happy pill". Regardless of all of that, I just don't seem to feel like I'm getting very far. I did this to be a better mom. I did this counceling thing, to understand what I'm doing wrong in relationships. I really want things to be better. They are so much better than they were 2 years ago. OMG so much better. I still think that there is more to life than what I've got. There has to be something better out there somewhere. I hate to leave on this kind of note. I'm jsut frustrated with life and I don't know what to do about it. I'm just venting. Sounding off. Tomarrow maybe I'll post a brighter blog.
You were attracted to him, but he just wasn't into you the same way you were into him? In your mind, you could sense what a great guy he was, and that, somewhere deep inside, you both shared this strong "chemistry" that made you feel close and comfortable. But for some reason he didn't want to truly connect with you. Another one...
Of course, the worst part wasn't that it happened, but that you KNEW you shouldn't have done it in the first place... but you did it anyway. And finally:
You were trying to get CLOSER to him, and somehow he kept moving farther AWAY from you. I'm guessing that when one of these things happened, your girlfriends said things like: "He's just a jerk, forget about him". Or they said: "He doesn't see the mistake he's making or what he'll be missing". But he never seemed to see these mistakes... or even miss you. And the worst part of all: You kept thinking about it. In fact, it really GOT TO YOU. And I'll bet the REASON why it got to you is because you worried that it might have been something to do with YOU (and not just because he was a total jerk). In fact, TO THIS DAY you still have the feeling that YOU may have done something wrong, and that you may have CAUSED some of the problems in the first place... and if you would have known the RIGHT thing to do, things would have turned out differently... March 23 Happy Keaster!... oops I mean Easter!
Yesterday, the kids and I went to SBG's house for her annual Easter BBQ. They dig out the horseshoes and the grill and set everything up for the easter egg hunt. All the kids run around after little colored eggs filled with candy and goodies inside. When that was over then there were women out hiding beer in the middle of everything. Then the men scramble and fight each other so that they can "claim their been". Full grown men out there galavanting like children bringing home malt brew. White trash Easter at it's best. The kids cleaned up on candy and I spent some much needed adult time. That is time with other adults that converses. The conversation cannot be work involved. Just basic mouth spatter about nothing. It was blissfull to say the least. Seems like all I ever do anymore is work sleep kids. So goes the story of every working parent in America. All in all we had a terrific time. I have to go to my Auntie's House today. To visit her and such for Easter. To be honest, I really just want to lay in bed and relax. I do have to do laundry today though. Thought!! I'll take it withme! LOL. She wouldn't care but I'd feel pretty stupid, "Hey it's me, I'm so glad to see you! House looks great! Hang on while I throw a load of laundry in the washer! Be right back Auntie!" LMAO. I'm sitting here literally giggleing myself into hysterics here. God, I kill me, I'm so damn funny. |
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