the kids have gotten amazingly big!  They are growing so much that it seems I'm missing it all.  Toad is growing up so big! His voice is cracking now.  He has started getting long hair under his arms.  (and has a strict no camera policy)Imagion that!  He starting to notice girls.... my baby boy :(   Doodlebug is growing really fast lately.  Him and \Tude don't look like twins anymore.  bug is a head taller than her now.  Tude of course will always be the same.  Sweet innocent evil little girl in the world.  Of course she is... she's my baby angel.  The kids love being out of that city.  Out of the craziness.  Finally time to slow down and relax.

 

E.

Well I decided not to let Toad's big brother put him in backsetball, or karate or anything else.  I didn't feel right about it.  I've learned, trust my gut.  However I did find a pretty cool website.  For those of us that love to read, and are huge Dean Koontz fans, check out the below link. 

 

 

check out the webisodes.  If you like the Odd Thomas series you will love this!!!

As for the point of this blog.  Its to write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.  Lately, I have not really been looking at my blog.  I havn'thad time to write.  Not that I don't think about writing and what I'm going to say, but just because I just get busy.  Sometimes something stops me in th emiddle though.  Like today....

 

I got the boy s involved in the big brothers big sister's program.  Bug has been hangin with Walker for almost 7 months now.  Walker is a great role model.  He's bright and intelligent, very well mannered, has very good morals and extremely good ethics.  Bug loves him.  I think he loves Bug too.  They are going to the Chiefs game on Saturday.  It's a surprize B ug has no idea.  Walker told him that he has a surprise for Bug, but will give bug one hint per night.  Thefirst hint was that it started with the letter F.  Every day bug will get one more hint.  I know the clue though.  It's going to be "How far can you see in a sea of red".  Needless to say, a great match.

Toad had a big brother that was married.  Therefore Toad has a"big couple"  He was ok, but she was pretty pushy.  I got the boys involved in the program for a male role model.  Because the big brother was married, his wife had to be involved.  She was the one who always picked him up.  She always dropped him off.  Whenever they called to set up an outing, she was the one that called.  They never called him just to say hey.  Needless to say,l it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.  I mentioned it to the worker at the office of big brothers big sisters, and she told me that i needed to be excepting.  i reluctantly agreed to allow toad to be with this big couple.  About 2 months after that, just disapeered.  They never called Toad again, they didn't send him a letter.  They didn't even tell the people that run big brothers big sisters.  JToad was really upset.  Yet at the same time, he knew it was going to happen.  He just knew institnctly I think.  All summer toad has went without a big brother.  Last week Toad was hooked up with another big brother.  TM (the new big brother) kinda flirts with me.  It makes me a little uncomfortable.  However, I think he's really just trying to make me like him.  He seems intimidated by me slightly.  He's a very nice looking guy, but I just don't find him attractive like that.  Not that I could do anything about it, even if I wanted to.  Strict rules and all.  Not that I mind.  (i'll blog about that another time maybe).  He is getting ready to run in a marathon this weekend, i think it's sunday.   he plans on picking up toad on saturday to take him to go do something.  He texted me today at work and asked if i could talke for a second.  I called him when I got back to my desk.  He asked me if josh liked basketball.  I told him that i didn't really know, but i'm sure he'd be happy with about anything that they did.  He said that he wanted to put toad in basketball.  He said it would be free.  I laughed, nothing is free.  He said that it's 68 bucks.  I almost flipped out.  I pay daycare and rent and car payments now.  I really don't have the money to put the kids in sports.  I really don't, as much as I would love to, I can't.  So for someone else to offer to put the kid in something, it really kinda struck a raw nerve.  I don't think that he's doing it to bother me, I think that eh's doing it because he really wants to do it.  I just feel terrible that I can't do it for him.  I asked another big brother that I work with, and I asked Walker about it, and I talked to a lady at work whos grandson has a big brother.  I have heard everytrhing from the bigs that have taken their littles on vacation to bigs who won't pick up the kids the next week if the kids is having a bad day, or has been having behavorial problems with the little.   So I guess wanting to put him into a sport isn't totally out of line.  And he hasn't done it yet either.  So he's waiting for me to make a descion.  Toad doesn't really want to do basketball though.  He wasn't\\ to do karate.  I don't know how to tell this guy that either.  He's offering to put Toad in basketball not Karate.  Besides I'm already uneasy about allowing him to do something this committed with Toad, and then not follow through.  I would of course pick up right there, but it would be very very difficult.  Maybe inpossible at time.  Part of me thinks that i'm just being stubborn about this too.  If I can't provide it for Toad, then why would I allow someone else to step in and do that.  Another part is that I don't want Toad to be left holding the bag.  His whole life his ended up with the short end of the stick when it came to men.  I don't want that to happen again.  I just don't want him to get hurt again.  I'm worried that he'll never be close to anyone but me, and it scares me.  I want this thing with TM to work for Toad, but I'm worried that Toad will be let down again.  So I guess it's not about the fact that TM would like to put him into basketball.  The part that I'm having problems accepting is that someone else is going to be involved with my toadman.  someone who I cannot control what happens.  Someone who may break my son's heart, like smacktard, or zero, or the old big couple or his real dad.  I want him to be happy, and I know that toad isn'tas happy as what he should be.  and as a parent who loves her son so very much, it kills me to know that I can't make everyhthhing ok anymore. 

In the same breath, I don't want anyone to think of my family as a pity case or a charity case either.  I'm of a firm mind that if I cannot provide it for us, then we don't really need it.  having someone else offer to do somthing for the kids that I can't do kind irks me.  There are so many convlicting descions that I don't know what to say.  So maybe it's best that I don't say anything.  I'll just think about it for awhile.

well my birthday has come and gone.  went to my dads for my birthday weekend.  we had a good time.  bbqed on saturday and then sunday was my birthday.  Sunday morning about 6 am (I know sounds great getting up that early on my birthday, but i've never been one to sleep in past 8) with my step sister and we were pulling weeds in the garden.  She told me that her husband had been hitting her and that she wanted a divorce, and had told him that many times in the past year that they have been married.  Normally, I wouldn't get involved.  Marriage is between that person and God.  But when she said that he had been hitting her, I very calmly decided that I was going to kick his ass.  After being married to the kids' dad for so long, it broke my spirit.  He broke me down to nothing, and then broke me down even farther than that.  I offered her to come stay with me and the kids.  I'd help her get a job and he own place, but she wouldn't do it.  I didn't think she would but I still wanted to make the effort. 

After Ashy (My step sister) left, I waited about 1/2 an hour then drove out to her house.  I told her not to come get him, and then I told him that I needed his help and that he would need his shoes more than likely.  As I drove out of their litle town they live in, I turned the opposit way of R-Town.  I drove towards the river, and pulled onto a gavel road and then took a couple more till I barely knew where I was.  I then pulled the car over and told him to get out.  He got out, still confused.  I got out of the car too.  He said "what are we doin".  I told him that I was going to ask him one time and i wanted the truth.  Had he ever hit her or used the baby to hurt her or get what he wanted.  He laughed in my face and didn't answer. Her is the convo that followed:

 

Dumbass: (laughing)

me:  well is that you're answer?

Dumbass: Yeah, my maarriage is none of your business, I never touched her.

Me:  Don't like to me.  I'm getting ready to commence kickin your ass with a crowbar that i've gotten in a habit of carrying in the trunk

Dumbass: huh?

Me:  I'm going to hit you many times with a crow bar,k wait right here I'll be right back

Dumbass:  (starts walkin away)

Me:  Hey bitch, where ya goin, I'm not done with you yet

Dumbass: (takes off running)

Me: (jumps around the side of the car to head him off)

Dumbass:  (takes off at a sprint)

Me:  hey I thought you were a tough man, smackin around on your wife, well come on bitch let's go

Dumbass: You're fuckin crazy

Me: Bitch, you ain't seen crazy yet

Dumbass:  (takes a hard left into a soybean field)

Me:  Com'on bitch thought you were tough!  You're running from me like a nigger from a pay check!!!

Dumbass: (has hidden in the soybeans to wait me out)

Me; C'mon pussy come out out, grow some balls.

Dumbass: (silence)

Me:  Have a nice walk bitch, hands off of her ( turned around and walked back to my car, got in it and drove off)

 

 

Just so ya'll know?  I didn'thave a crow bar.  The most dangerous thing I had in the trunk of that car was an ice scraper.  Like THAT was going to go any good.  I know I barked at him, i know i was goin off.  I was furious.  My step sister is so full of life and vitality and love.  I refuse to watch her get beat down like I was.  I guess after it was all said and done, my step sister is really mad at me.  My dad and step mom laugh at me.  Everyone thinks I'm so quiet and shy.  I may be quiet, but I'm always thinking.  This time, it just wasn't the most pleasent thing that I was thinking about.  This time I was planning on kickin his ass.  And before you ask?  No, I'm not predjudice.  I have a niece that is mixed.  I love her to death, she starts school this year even.  I was mad, runnin at the mouth.  It's a good thing that I didn't catch him, I would have hurt him I think.

the boy in the road still hasn't called.... I don't think he will at this point. 

 

things have been ok, my birthday is sunday.  today i got cards, a shirt, and some cookies for my birthday.  i also went to lunch with some of my co workers.,  we went to pangea, my favorite place in westport.  Paninis and greek salad, yum.  other than that not alot is going on, so i havn't had much to blog about.  goigng to the farm tomarrow, that always proves for interesting stories.. till then