First off sk8rtmush (i knowthats not her screen name but for some reason I always think that).  is having her baby apprently!!!!  Her water has broken and last note she left?  She's on her way to the hospital!!  best of luck baby doll!!!

 

on with the story.  The boy in the road

 

Last Friday night as I was driving home from work, I was in stop and go traffic through north towne.  I was behind a lady in this huge lincoln town car.  Driving 35 mph tops.  She rode her brake all the way there and swerved everywhere.  I was cussing her in the little red lipstick car that I look so good driving.  I had enough and finally made it over into the other lane.  The lady had her window rolled down, and I pulled up beside her.  She was talking on her cell phone.  I rolled down my window.  I waited politely till she was done with her conversation and then beeped my horn.  She looked over and I smiled and barked.   Rough rough rough rough, like  pit bull through a chain link fence.  She jumped a mile and then rolled up her very expensive windows and then locked her doors.  I laughed my ass off.  I'm not normally mean, but that day, I wwas feeling frisky. 

About a mile later at another stop light, There was a guy in  a jeep cheokee that was next to me che  I blew him off, "yeah look to your little hearts content sweety, I'm all me."  I pulled up and cranked up the music, Kid Rock, I was jammin.  He pulled up beside me, he waved I smiled.  I was actually flirting with a guy in traffic what had come over me?!  And I was so cocky and coy about it, Almost like a girl.  At the light he beeped his horn.  I waaved.  At the next light I ignored him, he was deparately trying to get my attention.  We went throught that light and came to the next one.  He ended up right behind me at this light, he had changed lanes.  He got out of his truck at the red light and came over and knocked on the passengerside window, which I had rolled back up some time ago.  I rolled it down and he said "excuse me, but I'm trying to get your phone number and you're making it difficult to get it when you won't talk to me.  I giggled and told him he had no commensence getting out in traffic like that and to get back in his car, then I winked at him.  Light turned green and I gave him the come hither finger, come here boy!  He followed me to Hy-Vee and we chattted for a little bit.  This boy I did get his number.  He's an HVAC guy for a building downtown abut 2 miles from where I work.  He gave me his number and I called him that night.  He didn'tt call back.

Today he called me, we talked for a bit and he invited me to lunch next week sometime, he told him he'd call me with definete plans early next week.  We shall see, who knows.  The only bad thing?  He's 40.  I won't be 32 for eight more days.  but its just lunch!  It's probably nothing to be excited about, but wow, talk about a way to meet someone.

 

I'll type more about the "lunch date" when it actually happens.  Amazing, i be sweet and kind and guys walk all over me, I bark at a lady on her cell phone, and a guy literally jumps out of his jeep to come talk to me!  Who'da thumk

 

Ok, shoot me now, I just went and read part of Zero's blog.  It's been forever, I've been to busy to blog, much less read his blog.  It just hasn't been on my things to do list.  I've gotten over him now, but i still think about him from time to time.  Why?  I don't know but I do.  Pathetic eh?

 

Anyways, while reading his blog, I realized something.  He doesn't have the life I would want.  Playing with models, granted his talent is amazing, but still.... he's in his mid-thirtys.  Why?  I guess everyone needs a hobby.  He said something in his blog that really bothered me, and I felt so sorry for him. 

"It's been a slow couple of weeks for modeling, but sometime everything else going on has to take top priority. And other times, falling asleep on the couch instead of wandering down to the basement ain't so bad either. These last few weeks have been a combination of that. ?

That is a portion of one of his blogs.  I felt sorry for him :(  Falling alseep on the couch, with a baby and woman, a small little family.  Thats really sad, of all the things that he  could be doing :(  sleeping on the couch and building models, it sounds kinda lame.  It makes me glad see that we didn't work out.  I wouldn't like someone who would rather be building models than in bed iwth me.  I wouldn't like it at all. I wwas devastated when he broke up with me though.  Looking back I realize, I did love  him, however, he just didn't love me the same.  He loved the kids, but not like his own.  How can you ever love a child that is not your own, like your own?  i don't know.  I had a step daughter who didn't like me, no matter what I did it wasn't enough for her or her parents.  Maybe he felt like htat.  However in hindsight.  I'm glad we arent' together.  I would have a life of my husband/boyfriend sleeping on the couch and working on models all night long.  NO THANKS

 

I have to say, I'm happy with my life mostly.  Still havn't accomplished the goals that I have recently set.  However, I'm moving in the right direction, and I have a time frame in which to finish them.  I'm glad Zero and I didn't make it.  I think his betrayal was good for me and the kids.  It pushed me into taking charge of my life, and to show me not to settle for mediocre when I should shoot for fabulous.  I've learned that it's not always about having what you want, but the struggle and drive that sometimes mean so much more.  My little family has really seen it's share of dog days.  Days of below freezing mornings  before dawn at a bus stop, days of mightmares and being terrorized  by Smacktard, days of dispair when I didn't think I would ever feel normal again.  I'm starting to though.  I see other people and hear them talk.  They tell me stories about their lives.  As I liten I can't compair my life to theirs anymore.  I have a life that no one else but me should have to live.  Everyone's life is of their own making, and a little bit of fate.  I think that I am paying some hard dues.  I think there are more to come.  However, everyone has their struggles.  Everyone deals with their life in their own way.  I've come along way from the scared beaten down woman that I was 6 years ago.  I've come along ways from the pathetically broken hearted ex-girlfriend too.  I've even progressed from the bus stop betty who worked temp jobs in order to make ends meet, and managed to pull it all off anyways. 

 

I guess wwhat I'm saying is.  I dont' know if you still read my blog, Zerp.  I'm doin good.  I dont' think about you every second anymore.  I don't break down at night because I'm alone and all I can think about is you.  It sounds like you got the life that you wanted, and i'm thrilled for you.  I dont' hate you anymore.  I'm going to be ok.          -end

was going to blog about the boy on the road but I havn't heard from him yet, so I'm going to wait till I do to blog about it. 

 

Today my neighbor and I took our kids and a few friends to a park near here in Parkville.  I had never been there before.  Its really neat actually.  A huge trail that goes around the park, a train that goes by, and tons of playground equipment.  Cars cannot enter parts of the park because there are so many different trails and such that cross each other.  I made bbq chicken wings and polish sasuage and pork loin on the grill.  The loin isn't done yet but I've got it in the crock p\ot to finish cooking.  It's going to be so good.  I made homemade potato salad and home made macaronni salad.  Fresh melon and strawberrys for desert.  Talk about tons of food and very fat happy people  All of the kids played in the water and made a huge mud pit, like most kids do at the park.  we had a great time.

 

somehow i ended up with several of the guys in the group of people next to us, trying to tell me how to bbq chicken wings.   i didn't need the help but 2 of them where hot 9to say the least).  So I let them help me.  One of them got me a beer while the tallest one (mike) tried to get my "details".  All he found out?  I'm not interested in seeing anyone right now, but he gave me his number anywhays in case I changed my mind.  I gave him a fake phone number and then left, post haste.  Kinda a dirty trick, but hey when in Rome.  I feel good lately.  I feel like I'm actually a girl again instead of a big mom blob.  And when you turn a head, that just makes ya feel all of more better.

Offically my life has too much drama

 

And it's going on all around me.  I'm dealing well though.  Letting the "drama roll off" persay.  The smacktard is out of the phyic facility, he's locked up in platte county jail now.  Or at least he was yesterday morning.  Actually, I just ccalled after typing that out, yes he's still there.  He should have to remain there till tuesday when he is arraigned.  I have to be there.  I'm glad my work is being so kind about me taking off and being ill and bending myself up.  I couldn't ask for better bosses than that ya know.  She still drives me crazy but she's understanding, and thats the important thing.  LOL.

 

Kids are getting so big.  Toad is almost in middle school now.  He's being doing great at home during the day.  Him not being in daycare all day has really helped us out financically.  (btw, i should really spell check these blogs but i never seem to remember).  Bug has actually grown 1 sizes this summer~!  Finally in a 7/8, can you believe it!  Ally-tude-baby-angel is doing great.  She loves our new place and her new room.  I've decorated  it all up for her, how exciting is that!!!

 

SBG and i finalyl talked after our last fight.  I hate fighting with her, but i  realy hate the fact she says some of the things that she does.  She bmy best friend though, and sometimes friends fight.  SPeaking of friends, Lil Bit and I are a little weird right now.  Him and his g/f are splitting up.  She's being seeing someone else (kinda, on the internet and a few times in person i think(.  They were already pretty much done I think though by the time that it got to that.  Bit's been drinkin alot, and that worries me.  He told me that hissister had ccalled him and told himthat talking to me really hurt sherry.  I told him I thought that maybe Sister Bit might be right.  It might have really hurt her heart.  He kinda blew it off to me, sayin g"yeah well she should have said something".  I said yeah just for conversation but it really got me to thinking.  He was using me to make her jealous.  Whats worse, is that I didn't knowhwat was going on in his head about me and him.  Finally, I gathered up the balls and let him know.  I told him that I really didn't want anything with us rightnow.  I have way too much on my plate and that I love him, of course I do, I always will.  BUt right now things just aren't in a good place for a relationship.  I also told him I didn't want to be the rebound g/f.  I want to be the one, if it ever came down to it.  To my delight he agreed.  He wasn't angry.  In fact he said that things just wouldn't work right now for us.  With him in the service and me settled here in kc.  He said that he didn't want to uproot my life and that he couldn't get out of the service.  Little secret?  If my life wasn't so fucked up right now, I would move for him.  I'd follow him anywhere.  I won't tell him that though, there is no need for him to know that. After all, it's not like i'm looking for anything and we are only friends.  No matter what has been said behind closed doors.  No matter what Sherry or Sister Bit thinks.  They are wrong. Nothing other than friendship is here at this point.  He still lives in the same house wwith her!   He's done things to sherry that i want to kick his ass for.  and some things that she's done to him that aren't so great either. I feel terrible for both of them.  They lost a wonderful relationship because they both forgot how to love each other and how to stick it out forever.  I have been there, with Zero, and it's hard I know it is.  I hate the fact that Sister Bit would say the things that she does about me, but I guess that it doesn't really matter.  I don't live my life for her.  The sad part that pertains to me?  It put a strain on my friendship with Lil bit.  We used to talk for hours, and noww, we still talk but it's not the same.  It's gaurded, watching wwhat we say and how we saay it.  Careful not to cross the line, i hate convos like that.  I want to be able to talk to people without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.  Trying not to say something that might hurt Sherry's feelings.  Regardless of howw she feels about me, I still think she's a pretty decent person.  We used to be friends too.  I kept trying to talk to her and be friendsly but she never really talked back to me.  Basically i left messages and emails for her, and hse never got back to me.  I gave up after awhile.  I hate to give up on bit totally yet though.  We know each other at the foundation, and no one else knows me like that.  We are friends, and thats all I want.  I wish she would understand that.  maybe some day she will.  he lovevs her, she loves him, its just not a good situation.  Perhaps i'm making it worse.

Other than that,  not much is going on.  Seen a car get swarmed by cops and helidopter at my friend Tae's house.  That wasinteresting, however very scarey.  It was like watching COPS (on TV) sitting on her front porch.  National Convention is coming up for work, so i've been really busy with that.  Kids start school in a month.  Life is starting to level out.  I know I havn't been writing, my dear constant reader, I've just been busy.  being  a single mom is hard  work, and it gets hectic. Perhaps I'll right about the "Boy in the Road" next time.  Till then.......

Howdy and all of that!  I'm getting around better now.  I only have a small limp now.  My back feels much better.  Not near as bad as it was right after the wreck.  The Smacktard is still locked up in the phyic facility!  I went to child support court the other day.  The judge that hears the child support hearings also has heard all 3 restraining orders and the divorce too.  He told me that if and when smacktard gets out of jail that he will be placed in custody unit time that he can get together bail.  Which helps me to sleep good at night.  I'm really likeing not looking over my shoulder, and sleeping with one eye open.  He's someplace now where he can't get out.  And that my friends makes me feel much safer. 

 

Like I said I went to child support court the other day.  I was one of hte last people called up in front of the judge because of the "nessessary precautions" that are taking with my case of the "sensitive nature" of the case.  UHG, specail case crap.  While I was sitting there a woman in very nice shoes and tons of jewlrey \was sitting next to me.  I thought I had really dresed up to go to court.  My nice black skirt and a nicewhite button down shirt.  Flats (still can't wear my big girl shoes) and very good hair that day.  This woman made me look like a pauper.  I almost wanted to move chairs, but refused to allow myself to feel second best.  I sat in that chair while she wiped hers down with a tissue before setting her large rump down.  She was called 3 people before me.  Her name was claire something-or-other.  Claire prroceeded to tell the court that her ex was 1200 behind in child support and that she wanted the full penelty for as much as the law would allow.  The man beside her (her ex) said that he had been off work and that he was behind in all of his bills and they put him on a payment plan in court.  Claire too-good-for-you stormed out of the courtroom and then ploped down on a bench. 

I went before the judge and said "no payment, no contact, put him in jail".  the judge said after he gets out of western missouri  that he will be arrested and I will be called at that time.  I thanked the judge got the next court date and walked out of the courtroom to wait for the childsupport lady to come and talk to me and give me a letter for work (work excusse).  While waiting I sat next to Claire-too-good.  I did it on purpose.  I wanted to write about her.  I wanted to get her story as to what makes her so high and mighty. 

Her husband worked for Ford Motor Company (something in commen) and took the buy out that was offered (see even more in commen).  They have one child and he pays 800.00 a month.  Keep in mind that man was 1200.00 behind.  Thats about a month and 1/2.  She divorced in in the last two years.  She has the house and the car, the kid and apparently the jewerly.  She is a paraleagle and wanted to make sure that me and everyone else around her "knew that she wouldn't take this type of financial abuse towards her baby".  She actually said that, financial  abuse.  I let her ramble on.  Looking for something to agree with this woman with.  I found nothing other than she seemed to love her son.  She either loves her son or hates her ex.... i prefer to think more positive, so let's just say she loves her son. 

The childsupport lady eventually walked up to me and gave me my letter.  Asked me to keep in contact and asked if everyting was quiet.  I told her it was wonderful and that the court could have child support every month just to keep smacktard locked up.  I sat back down to to put all of my papers back in my breifcase.  Claire-too-good looked at me with the open mouth gape.  "You would give up all the money behind to get rid of him?" I calmed down my racing heart, i hate people judging me.  I looked her in the eye and forced a smile and told her "he abused my family and it's better that he's gone"/.  her responce?  "My son has been abused.  He doesn't have anything anymore.  Talk about neglect.  It's good us girls can stick together." 

 

At this point I thought I would hit her.  I didn't bother faking a smile, I didn't bother to tell her to have a good day.  I stood up and walked away from this woman as quickly as I could.  I didn't look back and I didn't stop till I hit the car.  Tears were rolling down my face by the time I got to the car.  I don't know why I was crying.  Maybe because she made all of my hard work seem so meaningless.  Maybe because I was greatful that she really didn't know what abuse could be inflicted by someone that "loves" you.  The tears kept coming.  People walked by me looking at me like I was crazy.  I just sat in the car with the air on and the radio cranked up.  I sat there for 20 min.  Finally composed I drove home to put on new make up.  I thought after the hearing I would feel so much better.  After the custody hearing that is.  All it seemed to do was bring up very conflicting emotions. 

 

Who knew that this would happen.