Somethings have a way of working themselves out.  The guy that I was seeing, I went to my house, and he never called me again.  Granted its only been a couple days, but thats ok.  I can't say that I want him to call back.  He's really kind of an asshole.  One of those guys that you never really can see the true them.  Never changes expression, never really smiles.  He went as far as to call me a dumb ass, and I had already decided then that I knew that I didn't want to be with this person long term.  Whats worse?  There were no butterflies.  No zsa zsa zsu at all.  It's been awhile sence the butterfly effect.  I'd have to say clear back to the D-Boy.  (and wow talk about butterflies).  I seen him yesterday by the way.  He was driving his truck in front of the bus that I was on.  There was a girl in his truck with him.  She was young, beautiful even.  Long dark hair, early 20s, and she smiled at him.  He was looking at her, his fingers twirling her long hair around his finger.  I almost cried it was so hard to see, my heart was so pained that I didn't know I could hurt like that for him.  I turned away as he turned his head toward the bus, I was sitting by the window and didn't want him to see me.  I dont know if he seen me or not.  I pulled my hair in front of my face and tried to pretend that I couldn't see what I just seen. 

 

I would think about a couple months that it wouldn't hurt as bad, we left it on good terms, and that should be it.  I dated someone else, and apparently he is too (could it be the girl having his baby?).  For some reason, it was like a knife to my heart.  He wasn't good for me, his life is a mess, and he's got so many issues.  So why does it hurt so bad to see him with someone else?

I was talking to an old friend today.  Talking about our relationships, and the things that we want out of them, and the things that make our relationships what they are.  I've been talking to a guy for awhile, and to be honest, it seems like the kids and I have almost moved in.  We spend more time at this guys house than our own.  I've been borrowing his truck, and doing laundry here (I'm at his house now).  He's older than me.  15 years to be exact.  It's more a relationship of convience than a relationship of want.  On both our parts I think.  I likes me, he said that he does.  I like him too in a way.  Its weird I've never been in a relationship like this before. 

 

Sence I've been here at night, and he hasn't, it's giving me time to get comfy and figure out whats going on.  I looked in his yahoo personals page (where we met) and he talks to other girls.  I gandered to snoop and found out things that I didn't want to see.  He talks to other girls alot, and I guess that, that is his choice.  I don't feel the need to give him my heart, because apparently he's still looking around.  I'm not looking around by any means, but I won't give up my friends that are guys just to suit him.  Sometimes, I want a real relationship again, but I'm not really "into" this guy maybe like I should be.  I feel like I'm using him, and I don't see this happening for much longer.  The good thing about this guy, and with work the way it has been, and the state inside my own head, I've realized today, that I don't think about the D-Boy much anymore.  When I drive by the Sprint center (where D-Boy is working right now) I think about him, and try to duck if I see a new black dodge truck with union stickers on it, praying it's not him.  Really though thats about it.  D-boy and I had amazing sex.  So I try to just leave it at that.  He's a good guy, just at a bad place in his life.  I still think about Zero sometimes.  More the past week than I have in a long time.  I tried to remember his phone number to call, to wish him a happy 4th, but I couldn't remember it.  Thats prolly for the best.  He's got a new life, new girl, new town.  I miss him today, not because of what we had, but because of what we could have been.  What we could have been in a way that I wanted, not in a way that he wanted.  Which is ironic in itself. 

 

Talking with my old friend, got me to thinking.  In a relationship, my friend tells me that there are two kinds of people in this world.  Those who give and those who take.  I don't know if I believe that.  What about the middle ground person?  What about the person that gives and takes as the relationship demands?  Can someone be flexible in a relationship?  To know when to give and to know when to take?  Can you actually really know if someone is right for you?  And how do you know when too much is enough?  Or when too little is not enough?  What makes or breaks a relationship is different for each relationship, and what is the big deal breaker?

 

The younger girl who hangs around because it's convient?  The older man that likes the younger girl because he likes the idea of feeling young again?  The fact that there is other people involved, but it is denied (on more than one level)?  Or is it simply what makes us feel good at the time?  What we want out of life, and what the other person brings to our life to make it more fullfilling?  So in a nut shell, what makes us who we are in a relationship, and what makes us someone that we don't want to be?  And to be honest, to what limit will we go to avoid the lonely empty feeling that swallows us and leaves an empty pit in our stomach.  At what cost, to ourselves, will we go to avoid falling into that same old feelilng all over again.

As I am into day 2 of this new position that I fell into, I'm beginning to understand how everything fits together.  All of the work I was doing before, I did it without understanding really what I was doing.  I've been working out of 2 offices, my "lobby" office and then Beth's office (who is no longer with the organization).  It is still a mystery why my friend was fired, but it really has no bearing on my job (that I know of at least).  I am taking hold of this oppertunity like a rabid dog.  I have really been nose to the grind stone.  I took work home last night, more than my normal work let's say. 

 

Going through Beth's office has been a little hard.  It's almost like walking into a morgue, with all her personal belongings still there.  Her files still in her in box, and her pen still on the desk where she left it.  I've moved alot of her files to my desk, and scavanged all kinds of little things.  Post its, pens, mechanical pencils (so the bird woman doesn't come after me), and I picked up all her notes and tips that she has kept so very neatly.  I'll need these as the one who is now doing her job, or trying to do her job.  My main boss J___ has been very understanding that I really know nothing about whats going on.  She has been patient in understanding, even though I can tell that her nerves are shot.  I don't know if they are going to hire anyone else for our department or whether they are just going to leave it for me and for J____ to do.  I'm not as scared as what I was.  Now I'm a little overwhelmed.  There is SO much that I don't know about this job, and I'm learning as fast as I can.  I'm working in the Junior Girls program now, which is a cross between Women's Auxes and Girl Scouts.  It's hard to explain really, but it's a wonderful little program. 

 

I'm still in shock and in awe.  I literally fell into this job to begin with.  By meeting a woman off the bus of all things!  I went from working temp jobs, to a full time position.  Now, the woman that got me hired in has been let go, giving way to her job.  Although no one has offically said "Sorta, take that office, here is a new title and a raise", I can see where I am wanted, and needed, to step up and fullfill the position.  That makes me feel pretty good. 

 

In the past 5 years, I went from being an abused and damn near suicidal mess, to the Assit. Director for the Program Department for the Ladies Auxiliary, at the VFW National Headquarters.  To be honest?   I still don't know exactly how that happened.  All I know is, I can't screw this up, this is a blessing and whats more, it shows me that I actually do have value, and that others see it too.

If you remember I was working for ACH and met my boss at work, who hired me as her assistant at the Women's Ox.  Things have been going well.  Sometimes hectic sometimes smooth.  On Tuesday my boss (who is also my friend) was let go from her position.  I was heartbroken.  My friend who was so kind to me, and got me into this job was let go.  To make matters worse, I will be taking over alot of her tasks that she did before.  Tuesday I hit that bottle of Tequila with a vengence after the kids went to bed.  Not working on 4th of July gave me some time to think about it. 

 

here are my thoughts.  This could be an excellent oppertunity for me.  I could advance in my carreer a little more rapidly than what I was thinking that I could do, I could make a name for myself.  I could actually be SOMEBODY!  I'm scared though, scared to death.  I don't know half of what goes on in my office, much less all the programs.  This is my chance, my oppertunity, my light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm still a little scared and heartbroken, however, I'm excited.  Could I possibly fill the shoes of Assistant Program director for a world renouned organization?  I don't know if I can or not.  I know I can learn it, I know that I can acheive.  I know it's just my self confidence, I know that I need to think higher of myself. 

 

Which got me to thinking.  Smacktard broke me down to nothing.  A useless bag of flesh.  I got my self confidence back up, and then Zero's constant rejection broke me again.  When I thought those two statements, I immeadiatly kicked myself.  What right do I have to let any man make me feel like that.  They are not looking out for my best interest.  They don't care if I succeed or if I fail.  Neither of them ever check in or be nice anyways.  So that leaves it up to me.  I have to take a stand again in my life.  Finally, I feel like I can take control, and that I can be me.  Whether I'm right or wrong.  At least I'll have my kids, my job, and my self respect. 

 

So, with all that said.  I'm going to go after my old bosses position.  I'm going to put best foot forward and take the bull by the horns.  Never again will anyone else make choices in my life, from now on, I will make the choices.  Starting with this new job :)

This blog has been around for a year now.  Its come a long ways baby.  I got to thinkin about my SmilinGal blog and today, I realized that I missed it.  All the wonderful posts about me and the kids and..... well..... someone I won't name.... it still hurts to think about him.  I got to looking back through my entries, and this has seriously become a relationship blog.  When I started this blog, i wanted something for me and only me.  I don't have alot of "me" things, and I take my blog as one of my "me" things.  Something that I do that matters to me.  Yes it may be occassionally about boys, or about something that I need to get off my chest.  I've used this little blog for writing and for dreaming.  Sometimes it's hard to write at work, but when the mood strikes me, I still blog at home, I just don't post it, no need without internet access.  Besides it doesn't all need to be published.  I miss Lucy and Sherri, I don't hear from them much anymore.  I hope you girls are still around and doing ok.  Give me a call sometime.

 

Sk8tr - welcome, it's always nice to have new visitors.  For anyone who hasn't checked out her blog, you should she's a fabulous writer.

SC- She's only seen Sorta's blog, but she is really down to earth.  Sometimes, you just want to pull up a chair and a cup of coffee.  Its like talking to an old friend.

Lil Bit & Sherry-doll - One of my favorite couples.  Sherry reads my blog a bit, and Lil Bit...... well who knows.  He reads it I'm sure, if he doesn't..... well.... I guess he doesn't :0)

 

 

Alot of times now adays, I really miss the good old days.  Spending time with only the kids, and just living life and blogging about our adventures in life.  Alot of that has to do with me working.  Alot of it has to do with me not having internet access at home.  Or maybe part of it is, the words don't come as easy to me anymore.

Today I found out that my Lil Bit (sorry Sherry, but seriously I'm so excited), is now in HI.  He got in Tuesday!  Safe and sound!  I talk to his wonderful little Sherry sometimes.  She's so happy he's ok.  We both are in agreement that it's great not to have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear of a mission gone bad or many soldiers injured.  Bit has been on the "big sandbox" better known as Iraq for awhile now.  At first when we first started talking again, I was terrified that he actually joined the service.  Now I'm proud of him.  Scared for him, but so proud of him that it's hard not to show. 

 

Now that I work for the National Headquarters of the VFW, it makes things even more close to home.  Closer to my heart for all the soldiers and their families.  I don't have alot of time right now, maybe I'll try to blog more from a friends house tonight.  Just dont' have alot of blogging time at work :)