This week I turn 30.  On Thursday actually.  I remember when 30 was old.  I look in the mirror, and I see some one staring back at me, that I don't know anymore.  I have a wrinkle now, I can see it when I smile.  I'm very fair skinned, so of course, I try desparately to stay out of the sun, I never tan.  I go from lobster-red to white.  My oldest and youngest are the exact same way.  My middle child is a bronze god.  Deep dark tan, and white his little glasses he's cuter than a bugs ear.   Yet, I digress. 

 

I have been looking back at my life, and I've been wondering what exactly have I done with my life.  I'm supposed to be 30 now.  A "grown-up" so to speak.  I have three children and I feel like I've failed them.  I have not provided them with everything I had been provided with.  Yes, I try to make up for it in love and bonding, but I do wish I could do so much more with them.  Take them to the ocean, or maybe even put them into a sport.  The boys would love to do soccer, my little girl dreams of becoming a ballerina.  I'll be able to go to work in the fall.  Daycare will be manageable, even wihtout any type of child support.  I won't be dependant on the kids' dad for help at all.  That is such a good feeling.

 

I had some friends come down for my birthday, and we went shopping, to dinner, and then dancing.  We drank an entire bottle of champange between the three of us.  I had never been much of a drinker to begin with, I drink mainly whiskey.  7&7 with lime actually.  I have to admit though, that champange rocked!!  We went to Cascone's for dinner.  It's my favorite little Italian place.  They had a harpist, a guitar, and a singer.  I was so swept away by the spell.  It was an awesome dinner, and excellent desert.  I don't drink alot.  So 3 glasses of champange and a margarita, down, and then off to the club.

 

We went to Funky Town, a bar in South Kansas City.  Talk about a great time!  I admit, I got so wasted.  I so deserved it, I really needed to get out.  I was safe in a group of friends, and I let myself get lost in the scene.  For awhile I was on the dance floor, I swear I could feel the crowd pulsating with the music. The whole place was a giant vaccuum, it sucked out all of the bad day, broken hearted, crushed pride, and the rest of the roller-coaster-I wanna-get-off-ride feelings.  In a little black dress, and red lip-stick, I was armed.  I was determined to have a great birthday party.  I danced with more people than I probably remember.  Men talked to me!!  I was so shocked, no one every looks at me.  Yet 2 men bought me a drink (from the bartender of course) and then everytime I turned around a friend of mine was shoving a shot glass in my hand.  I was standing in line at the bar (to get water, it was last call of course) and the guy in front of me, stops and then looks at me, walks up to me, wraps his arm around my waist, wraps his hands in my hair, and leans in toward me.  I'm really drunk, and I realize he's talking, to the point where his lips meet mine he's still whispering.  He barely kissed me, his lips barely grazed mine.  Then he pulled back looked down at me, then kissed me.  This time, demanding and hot.  I was too speechless to say anything.  I'm standing there in shock.  He turns around grabs his drink, then walks away.  I'm standing there with my mouth on the floor.  I endedup getting another shot after that.  I was a little shaken.  I havn't been kissed in a very long time.  Especially the later of the two.  A demanding and hungry kiss, it literally took my breath away.  I immeadiatly felt guilty, to which I know feel ashamed.  That will pass in time though.  After being with him for over a year, I'm sure it will take time to heal.  I miss him alot still. 

 

He's coming down on thrusday to take him to dinner.  The kids are going too.  They wanted to say goodbye.  They know that my Zero won't be coming back.  I had to end up telling them, they were figuring it out.  For the age of my children, they are so smart.  Figuring out things for themselves, that I didn't learn till much later in life.  Sometimes it worries me that I have put too much pressure on them to grow up so fast.  My oldest protecting his brother from neighborhood thugs on the bus.  We all work as a team, we all get more accomplished!  Thats the motto. 

 

I find myself, wondering what it would be like again.  To have freedom, to walk with my head held high, not that I couldn't do it before, but I can flirt a little now and then.  I can flash a little more of a smile when I meet someone.  Maybe wear a litlte perfume, things I havn't done in a long time it seems.  I really needed the night out.  I needed to get and feel like I was a girl.  That I was pretty, and that I was the center of the world, even if it's only in my own eyes.  Cause obviously, I was drinking.  I was so wrapped up in having my own little party, all by myself.  I so did too.  I had an awesome time.  Maybe I'll start going out again.  Why not, I'm single again right?

Next week I'll be 30.  To be honest, it's something that has really bothered me, but I've tried to make huge efforts not to let it show.  This weekend some friends are coming into town, and we are going to meet more friends here, then go out for a night on the town.  Having 3 small kids (9, 6, 4) its really hard to keep things clean and orderly.  So I decided Friday (they will be here tomarrow mid-afternoon) will be the day we throw down and do it.  All of this gets my creative juices going.  I've been redecorating, and changing things around. As I rearrange and modify things here and there, I seem to be feeling better about the whole thing.  Feeling a little more impowered, maybe sometimes change is good.

This is the first entry of my blog.  I'm not sure exactly the "theme" of this blog yet.  I had another blog, it was mainly about the kids, and just day to day happenings.  I have deleted it now, that blog no long exists.  This is a fresh start, somthing new.  I'm sorta busy, all the time.  Things at my house are very faced paced.  I will also be using catagories this time which I didn't do before. 

 

Some I'm thinking about using are: