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May 31 Cadaver, ProfilingAaron got out of his Betsy, and sauntered up the stairs to his apartment. It was nearly dawn, and he was just getting home from a night at the club. He smiled to himself as he opened the door, he had had a great night. He ran his hand through his messy hair, and smelled the lady of the night's colonge on his skirt.
"Damn, she was hot." He mused as he trudged through the cluttered apartment reminising on the smell of her hair and the soft whines that she made as he thrust into her time and time again. "Damn," he thought, "damn, I'll hit that again.". He walked through the kitchen noting the pile of dishes that were over flowed from the sink and onto the counters. At one point there was food on those dishes, now there seemed to be new forms of mold that had taken on a life of their own. Growing from one part of the sink to the other in a fuzzy black scum. Aaron turned up his nose at his kitchen, later he would have a talk with his roommate about keeping up with his part of the housework. Aaron was no body's maid, and he was no body's mother. Besides he was much to busy to worry about small things like chores or laundry, which also was needing to be done. In fact, just yesterday, he had went and bought new clothes, he didn't have the time or energy to wash the ones that he already had, it was too much work. His mother had always told him he was a slob, but Aaron never cared. Aaron liked being a slob, but he preferred to call it being a bachleor. Cleaning was woman's work, he had a couple girls that would do that for him, he didn't need to do it for himself.
Aaron walked through the living room, or what should have been the living room. There was a TV against one wall, stacked high with over due movie rentals and pop cans. Ashtrays on the floor, over flowed with cigarette butts, some kicked over spilling ashes on the welfare brown carpet. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a wad of bills, and a handful of change and dropped it on the kitchen counter, along with his truck keys. Trash littered the floor, Aaron kicked it just out of his way as he walked through to his bedroom. Sleep, that was the only thing in his mind, that was what he needed, and thats exactly what he was going to do. After tripping several times on scattered items, Aaron finally made it to his bed. The only real furniture in the house. His bed was also the dresser. Storing his clothes that weren't already thrown to the floor. With two huge sweeps of his hands, all the remaining clothes on the bed landed with a soft thump on the floor. Before his head even hit the pillow his eyes were closed and within five minutes he was snoring softly, dreaming of the next party, the next drink, the next..... the next.... what was her name again? I need another drink. May 30 Cadaver, just beginningSmells. He could smell it, what was it. It burned his nostrils and clung to his sences. Burned, something burned, something charcoled. He rubbed his eyes and something hard grated across his brow. Damn near cutting him open, if he hadn't been such a morning person he might have! He stretched and opened his eyes. At first he thought he was still dreaming. This was not his bedroom. This was not the living room, where he'd fallen asleep on the couch hours before. This was dark, and outside! He sat up with a jerk, his "new" legs groaning with protest. Rolling over was more than enough to make any grown man cry like a suckling infant.
"what the hell," he thought, "what.... what the hell!". He closed his eyes and willed the scene to change. Thinking that he was dreaming, hoping he was dreaming. As his eyes shot open again for the second time, he realized he was not dreaming. This was real. He slowly brought his hands to his face, he realized they weren't his hands. For a second, Aaron thought that he had taken a trip into the twilight zone. His hands were filthy, dirt caked under his nails, and was that a cut on his hand? Not that he was against a little dirt under his nails, he couldn't be this dirty, he just got out of the shower not to long ago! Apparently, he didn't. Obviously he didn't. Still in shock, Aaron sat up and leaned against a garbage bin for leverage. Sometimes, getting around was so hard anymore. His legs felt like they had belonged to someone else, full of lead, and sometimes it took awhile to convince his body that he was in charge, and that he wanted movement.
Slowly he stood up, his mind screaming as he did it. "Only hurts till it stops." He told himself. He looked around him finally, coming out of the box of his own mind, which was becoming more and more frequent now adays, and realized he had no idea where he was. Between two buildings obviously. One stone, maybe concrete, the other brick. Old brick, like it had been burned once and then painted. Slowly, Aaron rubbed his hand over the brick, it crumbled off and left dirt on his hand. The same kind of dirt that he already had on his hand. He had been sleepwalking, that was the only reasoning.
"Damn, pain meds are really fucking me up, I could have killed myself! Walkin around in a daze!" but Aaron felt a little tug in his mind, something telling him that something wasn't quite right. He looked down and realized, he had on his dress pants. Kahakis that he never wore, unless someone had died or he had a job interview. He limped to a window, cursing himself and everyone he ever met. He hated that he lived, he hated that he survived, and whats worse, he hated that he was damn near a criple. If only................. the thought disapated in his mind, even as he thought it. A polo shirt, kahki pants, and dress shoes. His hair was neatly combed and he looked lik ehe just walked out of church. Minus the dirt on his hands and pants, from laying on a brick facing of a building. Automatically, Aaron reached into his pocket for his pills, he popped the cap with his thumb and hungerly ate three. He chewed them and grimaced. Reaching for his wallet and removing several crisp dollar bills, Aaron made his way to the flashing neon lights of the all night liquor store. The only thing he wanted was a drink. Then he could figure out where the hell he was. May 29 Sorta the WriterI have decided, and actually talked to someone who agrees that I should, to write a short story. Not a novel by any means but something that I've been wanting to do. The story plot is as follows:
There is a man, he broke both his legs in a head on collision. His legs are beyond repair and cadaver bones are used to make his legs functional. While he never likes mexican food before, he suddenly has a taste for enchaladas as well as a few other changes in his attidude. He begins to sleep walk and wakes up occassionally in a very bad part of town once with blood on his hands and clothing. Another twist i want to put into this story is the desceased's obbession with a woman, hence the sleep walking. Also incorperated will be a voodoo type of feeling. Maybe a seance or a witch. I have tons of ideas and I have started putting them onto paper.
I do need to do some research still, this is going to be alot of fun. May 24 Ally-tude finally smilesThings are progressing, and other things stay the same. The kids are doing alright I suppose. Tude has only had 2 accidents this week, and Toad hasn't been in trouble all week long. Doodle's nightmares aren't so bad now, he still wakes up, but he's not screaming like he used to. I'm working hard, and trying to keep it all together. I've found that the commute into work in the morning is really helpful in getting my head straight for the day. Sometimes I'll nap, other times I talk with my "bus girls". I finally feel like writing something, so here it goes. Hope I've still got it.
The other morning the kids and I were walking the boys to daycare. We walked across the parking lot to the other side of the complex and began our journey over our "secret path" (actually a sidewalk blocked from the road by trees and dense shrubbery on both sides.). Tude sucked her thumb and clung to me, wrapping her fingers in my hair. She doesn't really speak much anymore, she whines constantly, and during these few times of silence and peace, I wonder what God has in store for us. While toting Tude on my hip, the boys quietly walk beside us, flanking me so to speak with their bodies. We walked softly, listening to the morning birds and watching the birds scatter as we approached. Little feathers, of many different birds, flying through the misty air. It's peaceful, it's quiet, and it's our morning time. The time where we all wake up and the time where we are still rubbing sleep out of our eyes.
I was thinking about Tude. Wishing I had my old Tude back. The one that used to laugh and call Zero "fat ass". The little girl who would wait till her brothers weren't looking, and then launch on them with her "girl's rule" tribal warrior yell. All the times I complained about her being "bad" or "onrey", and now I'm wishing I still had those times to complain about. I hugged her tighter and she squirmed, she doesn't like to really be touched anymore. Me carrying her is about the most "touching" that she will allow. She doesn't hug me very long or kiss me goodnight/goodmorning anymore. I closed my eyes and tried to just concentrate on my footsteps. Left, right, left, right.
The boys were ahead of me now, walking holding hands. They are best friends now adays. They look out for each other, and hold hands alot. We've all become alot closer the past month (has it only been a month?) or so. I cradeled Tude in my arms, trying to keep holding her, she's so heavy now adays. We walked over a limb that had been broken in the last storm that swept through KC and I accidentally stepped on one of the broken branches that was laying on the ground. It broke with a snap and as I looked down, I seen something blur in front of me. Before I could even look up, I knew it was gone.
At that point Tude surprized me, she lept out of my arms and then stood on her own two feet! Her mouth hung open and her eyes were wide. "Mommy, a raindeer! Santa is watching me!". Toad scoffed, "bah, santa". Doodle was amazed too. The two younger kids took off running before I could say anything to stop them. They ran through the branches, tearing their clothes and dirtying their bodies. I was just so excited to see them playing. It's been so long sence they acted like normal kids. Chasing this "raindeer" (which was just a normal ol' deer that happened to be finding an early morning snack) trying to find it, trying to see it. Finally the two younger kids came back to where Toadman and I had stopped to rest and wait for them.
With a flushed face, and shiney bright eyes, Tude climbed up into her "perch" as she's done so many times. Only this time, her thumb didn't go right to her mouth. She didn't tuck her head into my shoulder or lay her little hand across the top of my breast to feel my heart beat. This time she excitedly told me that she thought she seen Santa's sleigh tracks! She was so excited that she stumbled over her words and repeated herself several times. I was so happy to see my baby angel excited. To see that little girl coming out again. She didn't stick her thumb in her mouth till we dropped the boys off at daycare, and even then, she would take it out to talk to me, then it would go right back in.
The entire was to her daycare, she kept talking and her thumb was out of her mouth probably 80% of the time. Me being the quick witted mommy that I am (yeah right), I kept her talking the entire time. She had a great day that day at daycare. She played with other kids, and even layed down on the cot by herself to take her nap.
The therapist said that it will take some time, and just to let Ally-tude heal at her own pace. I've been trying so hard to let that happen. She said that kids are resiliant, and that she will bounce back quicker than a grown up. It's hard to see her so hurting, it's hard to see her so sad. I thought about praying then, not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to do. I shrugged off the want, and I don't feel the need to, but I wanted to hug my baby, but she pushed me away. I didn't cry, I'm out of tears. I didn't feel bad, I already feel bad enough. I just did what I could and went on with the day.
ok so it's not the same, but I'm starting to feel my writing again. maybe I'll write more soon.
May 16 Mommy of 3This morning, as we walked the boys to school, I finally felt like maybe life was getting back to normal. The boys argued and bickered over who had whos shirt on, and Tude (still not up to her old self) moped around, and pouted about everything. The house is clean, the dishes are done, and the laundry is almost caught up (is it ever really caught up?). Life is still spinning around me, and i sit back and watch it. I am seeing everything as it plays out it's life act, but I don't really care anymore. I don't care about much of anything other than the kids. People keep asking me what is wrong, but I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I did tell my dad and my mom. My mom talked to my brothers and to my favorite aunt. I really didn't want her to say anything. Next time, I won't tell her something this important. Next time, next time, next time.
This morning (back on topic) after I took all the kids to school and daycare, and then i had my alone time. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the window of the bus, just wishing i could sleep. I caught my 3rd bus which drops me off at work. Normally, it's my favorite bus, it drops off in front of this beautiful cathedreal. I can't even look at the cathedreal. I can't bring myself to know that God let this happen to my baby. Maybe if I can just get past the fact that it happened then I'll feel better. I know I have alot of friends, and i have family. I just don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to write, and I don't want to take pictures. The only thing I can do is cry.
I don't want to write anymore, thats part of the problem. I don't know if I'll write again, but I probably will. I just don't know when. I guess if you all have my number give me a call. If not, leave a message, I'll check in sooner or later. May 15 Lil Miss Muddle MindedToday it's raining again. The Missouri River is swollen and pregnant, flowing to it's banks, and flooding the outlets. It's May and spring. Needless to say, it's rainy season. The clouds have been overhead and the overcast sky is really putting a damper on my already low mood. Sometimes, I wonder if it's only me that feels like this, but this morning on the bus ride in, I noticed that it's not only me feeling the affects of the weather. It's everyone else too.
Last night D-boy came over. I had left my work badge in his truck, and he was bringing it back to me. he had just found it, after a little more than a week of seeing me last. I think I'm more depressed now than i was before. Normally I really like seeing him. When it's just the two of us, we really do have alot of fun together. last night he told me a few things that really made me feel bad for him. Strangely enough though, I still don't see him as mine. Because he's not. He is starting to see me as his, which I'm not very comfortable with.
Lastly, but most importantly. I talked to the social worker again yesterday. She said that she does find substantiation of abuse by the Smacktard, but that she can't tell me that I don't have to take the kids over there anymore. Needless to say, I have to send them anyways. I'm really not comfortable doing that. More than not comfortable, more than feeling weird about it. So I have to make a choice. Be held in contempt of court, or send the kids over to their dad's house knowing that they might be hurt, or worse. I'm still not sleeping well. I'm catching about 4 hours a night. I think it's affecting my ability to think.
Good news? i start my 2nd job on June 15. It's a custodial position at the kids' school, however, I can take them with me, that way they can sleep in a classroom while i work all night. It's gonna kick my ass for a few months, but this second job is just during the summer months. Enough to help pay for daycare. Be a good workout too.
Needless to say, there are good things going on in my life, I just can't seem to see past the bad. When it comes to my babies, nothing, I mean nothing comes between us. I would go to the ends of the earth for them, and I have. Would live, breathe, and die for them. So what happens when they are being hurt and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it, or if I DO, do something about it (like deny visitation) I could be facing jail time, or the loss of custody of the kids. I really don't understand sometimes. And now ya'll see why I havn't been blogging, I can't seem to make a clear thought process to save my life. May 11 LivingWith everything going on, it;s really hard to focus on everything. I finally did get some sleep last night. Slept 9 1.2 hours. Felt like I hadn;t slept in forever. I woke up this morning and was ready to go again. No nightmares, no crying babies in the night. Just Tude in bed with me last night, her little fingers wrapped around the curls at my temples. It really seems to help her feel better when I;m within touching distance. When I was a girl, the same thing happened to me twice. Once I told, once I didn't. Both times, it took a bit to get over it. Both times I came through it just fine. I can only hope that she's going to fare just as well. I thought about counceling, but I really don;t want to instill the memory. To be honest, I'm not sure what to do in that aspect.
I think that someday, he;s going to pay. He's such a worthless POS. I;m tired of thinking about it, it;s pretty much consumed my thoughts, waking and asleep. How could he, just that simple..... how could he. May 10 Smacktard should dieThere are a few things goin on, mainly with the kids and their dad. He's been doing something bad. Not only to the boys but to my Ally-tude too. Something so terrible that I can't even begin to describe it. I don't even really want to think about it, but there is no choice but to handle the matters at hand. The kids no longer have to go to their dads' house. Division of Family Services has told me that they shouldn't be going there. Thats all that i needed to hear. So long Smacktard, see ya in court.
In the meantime, I've been pouring my heart and soul into the kids. Spending ever waking minute with them, hugs that last forever, and the kids have taken to sleeping with me again. Tude is back in pull-ups, the night time accidents are getting more frequent. When I'm not with the kids lately, I'm lost. I have tons of friends, and great co-workers, and an awesome boss. I have (for the most part) a supportive family. So why in the middle of this, am I a lost soul in the ocean of hell. The beautiful sunrises and sunsets that I've always have loved, they aren't as wonderful. The church bells across the street here at work seem to sad and distant. I wake up and find myself crying, unable to stop, till finally exhausted I fall back to sleep with my arms wrapped around my babies. I can sit in a crowded room, but i can't focus into any of the coversations that are being spoken, even when they are directed at me.
My hair is still falling out. With as much hair as I have (thank god) you can't see the thinning spots. With all the wonderful things in the world, I can't seem to enjoy them. With everything going on, with Smacktard and what he has done to my children, I can't seem to get past it. The things he has done are terrible, and I can't get them out of my mind. May 08 Guess I havn't changed that much.This morning our routine wasn't the same. I had to make an appearence at our local courthouse, so when I left this morning, I was decked out in a business suit. I couldn't believe it was me when I looked in the mirror. With the weight I've lost (50 pounds sence the Nebraska adventure) I'm fitting into clothes that I havn't worn in forever. I havn't blogged much because I have had so much going on that it's hard to put it all into words. The kids are great, getting along in school, and Tude's tooth is getting wigglier and wigglier. She can wiggle it with her tongue now, she's so happy with herself! The boys tried to pull it. I walked into them trying to pull it out with a string tied around her tooth, and also to the door handle. Why she ever lets her brothers within 10 feet of her is beyond me.
Last weekend they were at the Smacktard's house which gave me some free time. i worked all day on Saturday, and with it being Cinco de Myo, I went out. The D-boy, as Lucy calls him (LOL) had been bugging me to go out, so we did. Nothing serious just some drinks, maybe dinner, then home. He brought along his room mate. We were having a decent time, no pressure, no commitment, just 3 friends going out. It was great. We were sitting at On The Boarder and thats when Roommate started to lose his mind. He was hitting on this married chick. Her husband happened to be 3 times his size. Needless to say, D-boy and I were dragging him out of the restaurant. D-boy got in the truck and Roommate and I were trying to get in the extended cab, when Roommate lost his mind even more.
To make a long story short, he called me a whore and suggested many things that I could do to him to make him "happy". Actually I think it was the term "my eyes would roll back in my head". Before i could respond he jumped in the truck, D-boy didn't hear it, and I was too stunned to say anything. We were all headed back to south of the river, where they live, and suddenly Roomate starts yelling about how he met me first and that D-boy was just using me. I was really upset, I could feel the tension building and I told him to shut up, that he was drunk and apparently had a drinking problem. D-boy started yelling back at him, dont' talk to her like that, don't talk to her at all, I'll fuck you up. All the guy things that boys say when they are in a fight.
At that point, Roomate decided to pull out his you-know-what and told me exactly what I could do with it. His reasoning? Because D-boy had told him I'm good at what I do. Then at that point D-boy lost his mind. He reached back and bitch slapped him while driving down I-70. They yelled for a bit, and D-boy told him that he needed to find someplace else to live. Me? I stared out the window and pretended that I wasn't even there. Crouched down low, trying to make myself as small as possible. I heard something break, and immeadiatly turned to see Roomate take out one of the back glasses of the truck. D-boy's baby, his truck. I knew at this point, things were bad. Then something hit me, just cuffed me really, but it was hard. Then out of the corner of my eye, I seen Roomate swing again. This time it connected with D-boy. Blood ran down the back of his neck, he slammed on his breaks (still screaming "don't talk to her, don't even look at her") and threw himself in the back area of the truck. Fists flying. I grabbed my purse and with a "Fuck both of you" started walking my happy ass down the road.
Years ago, when Lil Bit and I were together, Lil Bit and his brother got into a fight in my kitchen. Even though Bit told me to leave, and tried to send me away, I stayed. Thinking that if I was there, they wouldn't fight. But they did anyways. I tried to break it up and it was an ugly mess, and I still havn't forgotten the looks on their faces. The rage and the hurt and the intense pain that only a friend or brother could inflict. I seen the same look in D-boy's and Roomate's eyes. They were fighting and in a sence fighting over me. When I jumped out of the truck, I never looked back. I left the door open when I got out of the truck, and I could still hear them fighting. "quit talking about her, don't look at her" "she's too good for you, she's a great woman, and your a bitch, you treat her like a whore but I can't?"
it was all yelled about the same time, the wind carried it away from me as I went further down the road. I didn't know I had gotten out of the truck at first, all I knew is that I was scared and I was running. Running in heals no less. Finally I couldn't breathe and had to slow down. My mind was spinning. Priorities, get off the road. Priorities, hide. Priorities, get home. I know I didn't go far, and I was searching for my cell phone. I have friends, good ones. Ones that will pick me up on the side of the road in the middle of the night, ones that love me and don't hit each other in an arguement over me. Ones that aren't so scarey.
I seen headlights behind me, and before I turned around I knew it was D-boy's truck. "S_____ get in the car, please, don't walk down the road, I'm alone, I promise he's gone." What did I do? I showed him my middle finger and kept on walking. I kept on walking while he pleaded with me to get into the truck. Suddenly there was a lightening bolt, a clap of thunder and the rain came gushing down. No begging spitting or light misting, just a huge sudden downpour. Within 5 seconds I was drenched to the skin. Finally, I relented and got back into the truck. Roomate was gone, apparently on the side of the road a mile back.
I got into the truck and D-boy ripped off his shirt and started wiping blood and tears and rain off my face. I was crying and begging him to take me home. Only problem? We were about 4 blocks from his house and I was drenched and he was bleeding. We went to his house and I changed into one of his t-shirts and a pair of his boxers (oh yeah, i looked great NOT) while my clothes washing. he went into take a shower and I laid down on the bed (the only furniture) and watched tv.
The next thing I know it's morning and I could smell coffee and biscuts. I didn't know I had fallen asleep and was a little worried, I had really wanted to go home. my clothes, folded and dried were sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for me and the socks (that I had borrowed) were stripped off my feet and laying on the floor (apparently, i took them off, I hate having my feet covered). I was sprawled in the middle of the bed, and all the pillows were thrown on the floor. As I sat up D-boy was walking in the room. Breakfast in bed construction worker style.
2 cups of coffee, one bowl of cereal a plate a biscuts with butter and jelly (grape not strawberry, yum). and a handful of dandy lions, that he had went out and picked himself, all carried on a piece of plywood that was maybe 3 feet by 3 feet. We made small talk, and then I suddenly realized, he didn't sleep in his own bed. I noticed blankets and a pillow on the floor. he had slept on the floor. He told me that when he got out of the shower I was already asleep. He had tried to wake me but that I had curled up into a ball (he called it a fetal position, bah) and that he couldn't bring himself to get into bed with me, even though it was his own bed. He said he hadn't slept much, but that I slept all night long. he said i cried most of the night, that I tossed and turned and literally threw things around the bed. Blankets pillows ect. He said he tried to wake me in the night, but that every time he said something or touched me, I reacted with whimpering and crying. He really didn't look good, his face was drawn and the dark circles were bad. His hair was all jacked up and he wore a pair of jeans, no socks no shoes no shirt. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. I did the only thing that came to mind, I told him that I wanted to go home.
He did take me home, and I thanked him for breakfast. I thanked him for taking me home, and he apologized again for the fight. Even though I know he was defending my honor, and that I have enough commen sence to take care of myself, I was still worried. Not so much about the fight, but that I hid instead of donig something about it. I actually slumped down in my seat to make myself small, to avoid being hit, when i should have just jumped and ran. I thought I was through all the fear of being hit or talked mean to. When in actuality, I'm still the same scared grl that I was at 17 in Arkansas, or 19 in Richmond, or 25 in Kansas City. I havn't changed much, I'm still the same old girl, as much as I hate myself for it, I'm still the same.
Sometimes I wonder exactly why i do the things that I do. I don't know why in a situation like that, I want to bury my head, and i want to hide from the problem instead of being proactive and trying to escape and run from danger. It wasn't my fight, but I was involved in it, it was seemingly about me! of all people, why in the world would those two want to fight over me! It just makes no sence. I don't know if I'll talk to D-boy again. He's called 3 times sence Sunday afternoon. I told him something, and I surprized myself saying it. It just flew out before I could even think.
"Everytime, I start to fall in love with you, something happens. Maybe someone up there is looking out for me" His responce? Nothing not a word. Just a look like I had reached up and punched him in the gut. I don't know what to think. I only know that I know that I don't want people to fight over me, and I don't want to be in the middle of two men fighting. You let him leave his bags
You got out of a bad relationship because it was bad, but you are still resentful, and angry (you let the devil leave his bags) You got out of financial debt, but you still can't control the desire to spend on frivolous things (you let the devil leave his bags) You got out of a bad habit or addiction, but you still long to try it just one more time (you let the devil leave his bags) You said, I forgive you, but you can't seem to forget and have peace with that person (you let the devil leave his bags) You told your unequally yoked mate that it was over, but you still continue to call (you let the devil leave his bags) You got out of that horribly oppressive job, but you're still trying to sabotage the company after you've left (you let the devil leave his bags) You cut off the affair with that married man/woman, but you still lust after him/her (you let the devil leave his bags) You broke off your relationship with that hurtful, abusive person, but you are suspicious and distrusting of every new person you meet (you let the devil leave his bags) You decided to let go of the past hurts from growing up in an unstable family environment, yet you believe you are unworthy of love from others and you refuse to get attached to anyone (you let the devil leave his bags)
When you put the Devil out, Please make sure he takes his bags. Happiness keeps you sweet, Trials keep you strong, Sorrows keep you human, Failures keeps you humble, Success keeps you glowing. May 03 Drop in bloggingThe past few days I’ve been mending a broken heart. My sister RiRi got into a huge fight, she really gets to me sometimes. Of all the people in the world, shes one of the few that can really rip me apart.
For those that don’t know, I’ve been clean for months now. Its been a hard row to hoe, but I’ve done it and I’ve been very proud of myself. I guess though, that it doesn’t matter much to her. Still looks down her nose at me. She reads my blog, and really can’t tolerate the fact that I can’t stand her mother. She’s still young, and has life to live, but it has really hurt me the way that she’s been acting the past few months. Only thing is, I can’t walk away from her, she’s my sister. So what exactly do I do? Just give her space, let her think what she wants to, and try not to let it bother me. Not like I can take her back to Walmart and exchange her ya know.
Everything else is just moving along. I think I’ve got all the money I need for the rent that I’ve been trying to come up with. I’m still a few hundred short, but hopefully, things will fall into place soon. Friday, I’m going to the store to stock up. Havn’t been to the store in forever, it’s time to get more eatables in the house.
I did end up calling D-boy, because he did leave a note. He said he misses me, and that he still wants to be friends. He said, he said, he said. Sure we can be friends, I’m not into him like that. Thought I might have been, but I wasn’t. Sometimes, taking a step back is a good thing, gives perspective.
Best news in awhile? Tude has a loose tooth! Bottom front right tooth! My baby angel is going to have a hole in her mouth! May 02 Lovin me some KTOther Side Of The World"
Over the sea and far away She's waiting like an iceberg Waiting to change But she's cold inside She wants to be like the water All the muscles tighten in her face Buries her soul in one embrace They're one and the same Just like water The fire fades away Most of everyday Is full of tired excuses But it's to hard to say I wish it were simple But we give up easily You're close enough to see that You're the other side of the world to me On comes the panic light Holding on with fingers and feelings alike But the time has come To move along The fire fades away Can you help me Can you let me go And can you still love me When you can't see me anymore The fire fades away
May 01 The End of Zero's Blogsidenote: I still read Zero's blog on occassion. Noticed he was in kc this weekend with the newest g/f. They were at WOF which is about 15 mintues from my house. I have to admit, he does look happy, and I'm thrilled for him. It's great to have someone. I'm glad that she likes his toy building. I never could get into it (or a couple other things that he likes to dabble in). It's good to see him happy. I think I made him miserable, we are so different. Do I ever want to hear from him again? Hell no. Doesn't mean I wish him harm or unhappiness though. Just glad he found someone who he enjoys, and someone who seems to enjoy him. Strange but after all this time, I now see how miserable that I was with him. I'm glad to be away from him, it's good to have my own life back. The only real thing that bothered me was the fact that he was so happy that she supported him and was proud of him. The way it's written, it seems like he never thought I was proud of him or that anything that he did didn't matter to me. I was very very proud of him, and still am. He's talented and such. When he got the medal of honor I planned a huge deal at my house for him, and he told me at the last minute he changed his mind about coming down. Granted it was me and the kids and my mom and dad (yes in the same house) and some of my siblings, but it's not like I knew of his parents address to invite them, I was trying to do something nice. Calling everyone to tell them that Zero had changed his mind about coming down was really hard. To be honest, i think that hurt me more than anything else (at the time). He really has no right to be upset with me for not supporting him, because I did with all my heart. Not that he ever really cared about that either...... but thats neither here nor there.
All the wonderful things he said about her? Didn't bother me in the least for some reason. Maybe because he lied and said the same things to me, who knows. Regardless, I'm happy for him, and I'm happy to be away from him. I noticed a couple little slams at me in his entry, but thats ok, not like I didn't let out his secret. I should feel bad about it but I don't, his choice, his way of living. I think though, I won't read his model blog anymore. I enjoyed his work, even though I didn't understand it. Toadman really did too, I try to print them out for him at work and take them home for him to read I don't think I'll be doing that ever again. He's just starting to heal and be ok after the whole Zero disaster, last thing I was in a relapse. I don't want him really dabbling in my life, so perhaps I'll show him the same respect. I won't check it anymore. Let bygones be bygones, and take out the trash. NO ONE hurts my babies. Tude's New Friend.Last night the kids and I hung out in my bedroom. We watched movie after movie, just chillin in mom's room. We didn't eat a big meal just snacked. It was great. Just me and the kiddos. When I woke up this morning, I had plenty of time to get ready. The kids got themselves ready. All I really had to do was to put up Tude's hair. Everything was running smoothly.
We walked out the door and made our way down the drive to the school where the boys attend daycare. There was mist still hanging in the air, and the morning dew was still on all of the grass and dandylions. I have to admit, it was just beautiful. We all 4 held hands as we walked. We had plenty of time to walk to the school, I hate to be rushed. It makes for everyone to have a slow and terrible day where there is constant pressuring of Father Time, hell, Mother Nature is bad enough. I find that allowing plenty of time for everyone makes for a much better day AND evening. The kids and I have really come to enjoy our morning walks, it wakes us up, and it gives us something to look forward too.
So anyways, as I was saying before I began to digress yet again, the kids and I were walking and holding hands. Me in my long work skirt, Tude in her shorts with her little pink tutu and a sweat shirt, both boys in matching shorts and t-shirts. We were all just walking, none of us saying much then Tude pops up with "Mom, looks it's an angel". Both boys immeadiatly dropped hands and looked in the direction that Tude was pointing. To be honest, I seen not a damn thing. I looked over to an empty baseball field that we were cutting across, our shortcut to the school. Tude continued to stare. Pointing, her eyes full of light! To be honest, it creeped me out slightly. I picked her up and held her close to me, almost fearing some unknown presence. Something watching me, something watching the kids. I could almost feel someone touching me. It was eerie. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck stood on end. Tude continued to smile, and she layed her little blonde ponytailed head on my shoulder. Her little legs wrapped around my waist and we continued to walk. I tried not to let the kids know how uncomfortable and almost paniced that i was. Tude was in my arms and both boys in a belt loop a piece, I felt safe having them near me, however I still had that "someone-is-watching-me" feeling.
By the time that we got to the school, the feeling had passed, and we were all talking about our days, and what we had in store for us. Toad has art today, Doodle has music and PE, Tude has a full day of playing with her best friend "The Curly Headed Girl". Personally, I know that I have a ton of work on my desk that needs to be complete. I have 2 mailings, about 60 awards to make (along with corresponding letters), 760 lables and postcards to get out. While my mind was racing on what I should do first at work, we walked up to our "praying place".
The "praying place" is the place at school, where it's quiet, and the four of us say our morning prayer. It used to be that we did it at home. Now the kids want to do it at the school. Which is fine with me, I have no problems with it. If someone else does? Well, they can just get over it. So we all bowed our heads, it was Tude's turn to pray. I was fully prepared to hear "Carmel Jesus, by babies blessed" however not this time. My little angel bowed her little blonde head and said :
As we all said amen and then let go of our hands, Tude looked over her shoulder, in the direction of where the "angel" sat. She watched for a second, like she was looking for something, then her eyes lit up. She smiled so pretty and reached up great big with her hand and waved it all around. Like she was waving to someone else on the other side of the street. Then while still looking she lowered her arms and very quietly said "See you tomarrow". I almost didn't hear her. She spoke it so softly.
Maybe perhaps, there is an angel watching us, making sure that the kids and I make it ok. Maybe there is a spirit of a departed and dear loved one watching over us (like my grand dad). Or maybe it was just the imagionation of a 5 year old little girl, but as Tude and I got into the truck to drive to her daycare I really did feel better. I felt more in control and more alive than I had in a very long time. So maybe there are angels amung us? Or maybe we are our own angels. I hope to find out someday.
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