stacey's profileεїз ImSortaBusy: Confe...PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
April 28 On the run... and I hate it.
Well as if you couldn't guess by now. Smacktard is on a war path. It used to be his episodes only happened every 2 or 3 months. Lately, it has been happening every two or three weeks. Last week it happened twice in the same week. Monday afternoon, I walked out the door at work and was on the cell phone with a friend of mine. I had a call come in and I didn't recognize the number. I clicked over and it was Smacktard. He said "i can see you" and then he laughed. I looked around and didn't see him, but I'm standing next to the street, and there is a parking lot on the other side of the street and a huge church on the opposit street. He could have been anywhere. I felt so helpless, like a mouse with a hawk circleing. I made haste back up to work. I worked over that night and took a different way home from work. I also called the school and we went on stand-by. Like we do every time that the moron starts acting the fool. The daycare picks up the kids everynight from school and then transports them to daycare. Then I pick them up from daycare. When we go on stand-by when Smacktard is on a rampage. The daycare picks up the kids from the inside of the school. They walk through the backdoor and then get into a car in the back of the building. While at school the kids can't go out to recess, there is no fence in the back of the school yard, and I've asked for them to stay in, yet i digress. So the daycare worker drives them to daycare and then my kids have to stay inside till i get there. It really sucks for them. All of the other kids going outside to play and them having to stay in, but it's the only thing that I can do to keep them safe at all cost. Wednesday, I was in the emergency room with a kidney infection. I passed out at work and then they took me to the ER. Which was embaressing as well as really painful. I was out on sick leave on Thursday and then Friday about 10am I got a call from Smacktard. He was talking crazy shit. Something about me lighting a lumber yard on fire and then sleeping with the judge and his atty. Then the text messages started. Let me give you some text messages here.
Duplicate (got this one 2 times): OIC Are you going to tell the court with your feet up in the air?
Duplicate (got this one 5 times): Do you remember all the daed animals we found around the house? How do you think they got there? Is Toadman still chanting?
Dupicate (this one came in a whopping 12 times) I will have the USA (including you) pay for my childsupport PS I am not letting u go, on finding you molesting Toaddman. Rest assured. I'll spend my vioxx settlement.
(only got this one once) Are you a good person
Duplicate (i just counted again and I counted 22 however, I think I may have missed one or added one) Lose. I will never talk to you when they arrest you. I will never let you see the kids. Toadman will live in a home for abused kids. Won't that make you feel good.
Duplicate (this only only came 7 times) Did you know that the judges stgenographer died in the court house? I found it unusual that he called you dayna .... - side note. apparently there is hooker on Craigs list that looks similar to me in one picture. Her name is Dayna. I know this because i looked after being called a prositute by him for over 2 months.
(only once) Let's get this party started, call me, I miss you let's meet
Needless to say, I was a little creeped out. Over 50 text messages in 2 hours. I called the school and put them on standby again! Twice in one week! No sooner did I do that and then the GAL (the kids atty) called me at work. She wanted to let me know that Smacktard had called her 5 times and sent her 3 emails telling her that I was sleeping with the judge and that I had killed people for fun and that I was molesting children and then setting them on fire. She wanted to let me know that he sounded really desparate. She also added that she had hoped that I had moved and that she was worried about the safety of me and the kids. I have to admit I wasn't feeling very safe. I called my dad and asked him to pick up the kids and take them to the farm with him. I had to work on Saturday for being off on Thursday. So with the kids well on their way to my dads in Podunk, I worked till a later time than normal and then drove home. I drove down the road almost to my aparemtn and who did I see sitting there? Smacktard. I didn't even stop I kept driving almost in a panic. He was at my house. I drove by the community center in front of the school and seen a cop. I drove to him, breifly told him what was going on, and then he was at my house waiting to hurt me. The cop followed me back over there, but in the 10 mintues that it took to explain it to the cop, Smacktard had left the building, literally.
So I stayed at home Friday night alone, I slept with a piece of rebar that ive got bent into a hook that hangs over my front door. I woke up at 5:30 and headed out to work. I got there and started working. Was done for the day by noon. I headed down to my dads house and stayed with them and hung out with the kids. This morning on the way to work, i felt like every nerve in my body was wound tight. All the way to work I looked over my shoulder, and then I stayed inside while I worked 10 hours today. The kids didn't goet to go outside, and I felt like a caged animal. We are hiding from the outside, trying to stay within a controled enviroment. The bad thing is that things are back in nightmare form with Smacktard. When I got home there was a message on the machine. THE GAL had called. Smacky had left her 31 messages over the weekend in her email. Now with that said, I'm glad that he's finalloy showing someone else that he's completely insnane. Until then, I'll go on avoiding the sun.
April 24 Quote of the DayComing home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad:
whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive,
we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
April 21 Two Jokes (for a change)
..... thanks so Sherri and my dad :) These jokes are grand!
April 20 Happiness in Twos!I havn't been blogging much. I know that I used to all the time, yet I still havn't blogged much. There have been a few very good things that have happened lately. First, my step-sister's boyfriend purposed. He has been going to school in Indiana. They had been living together for a long time before that. Anyways, they both moved to Indiana where he was going to school. My stepsister was home sick and came back home and was sending money back to help him while in school. Hlelping to pay the bills, so he could work part time and go to school. They got togehter when they could and talked alot. Texting and calling back ad forth. They did it for 8 months. Monday morning my step sister went to pick him up from the air port and she waited for him at the terminal area where you wait. As soon as he got over the little barrier area he dropped everything he was doing and walked up to her, kissed her, got down on one knee and said "I can't live amother day, K____, I can't live without you. Will you marry me." I guess everyone in the terminal area was lookin at them. Everyone clapped and my step sister cried and then cried and sobbed and cried. He's a really great guy, and he works so hard at everything that he does. She loves him more than anything. She's been miserable with him. I'm so happy for them both!! When Georgia called and told me I was so thrilled!! I've got tears in my eyes writing this! I couldn't be happier for them!
The second piece of good news!! I got it!!! I got the apartment!! I pick up the keys on May 15th. ......... (here I digress)......It's very hard to put into words what I am feeling. Just to say happy doesn't scratch the surface. To say elated isn't quite right because at the same time I'm scared to freaking death. I'm a mile from a bus line. A mile. How in the hell am i going to get to work when the Bronco breaks down. I have some other things I can do. I can walk it, I can ride a bike. When school is in session, I can send the kids to daycare at the school. Thats not a bad idea I suppose. I'm going to have to buy a car and buy it fast. Maybe, just maybe when I get the yearly raise in june, I'll get more than a cost of living raise. I think I have put in alot of effort and deserve a little more than what I'm being paid. I think thats a commen "misconnception" as far as the corperate world thinks. Maybe if I do though, I can afford a small car payment. Or at least save up money to buy a good used car from someone. I am so relieved to move out of this place though. I am worried about making plans for the next step more than anything. But can you imagion waking up in the morning and going to your own bathroom? I havn't been to the bathroom alone in 11 years. One time at 3am I got up to pee, and sure enough Tude knocked on the door. Mom what are you doing? UHG! But now I will be able too. To be able to go to sleep at a decent hour, and not have the sound of 3 neighbors in your building all cranked up to the same station with amps a booming. This is a great move for us! I'm just nervous about how much still has to be done.
For some reason, I keep thinking about when we packed up the house to move to Nebraska. We all know how that turned out, I see no need to revisit old haunts.
Even though, I just sounded really pssimistic about moving, I'm not. There is so many emotions that I'm feeling. Sadness, anxious, relieved, indimidated. Even disoriented. This is a huge task that I'm scared to do, but know that I've really worked hard to get this far. So my blog didn't start out the way that I wanted it to. But in the end, does anything ever turn out the way that you expect it to?
April 08 Maybe.... cross your fingers
Today at work, was making all of my monthly calls. Child support enforcement, rent, phone bill, electric bill. You know all of those wonderful calls that we make to bills or let someone know that we are still alive. I called the rent people to ask them how much my rent is sence my recert. I couldn't remember for the life of me. They only take money orders too. So I can't check my bank info from work, I have to go home and physically have the file in hand. Grrrrrr. Anyways, I paid a credit last month, thinking this month I will have a 100.00 credit. Would you believe they told me that I didn't have a credit. Not only that but I was paying almost a hundred dollars too much for the past 3 months! Thats 400.00 that they jipped me for! to tell me that I had a 12.00 late fee to add to my rent! I was hot! I told them I wanted a copy of the ledger immediatly, and that I shouldn't have to pay anything for this month! My rent is 400.00 and thats what ya'll owe me! She basically told me, pay your rent or get out. What the hell am I supposed to do? Live on the street? Furious, after finishing our conversation, I went back to typing out those stupid SOP's that I don't have time to do. No sooner did I get into my work again, and myh phone rang. I was annoyed and almost barked when I answered the phone. I'm very good on the phone, and usually have excellent PR skills. I was in no mood for stupid blue hairs who do not read very well.
I answered the phone, not wanting to, and almost with an attitude. The lady on the phone blew me out of the water! I had put in for another apartment in another apartment complex. I had forgotten about it actually. Long story short, I was on a waiting list. Apparently, that list come up to me finally. This is for one that I put in for right after Zero and i broke up! She said that if I could get there this afternoon, that I could come in and fill out an application, and give her 35.00 for a credit check. I was there right after work. She sat with me while I filled out my application and all of the other information. The kids played quietly, very well mannered. I was so very proud of them. They were great kids! (I made a mental note.... bug juices from the little store). Anyways, after all the paperwork ws filled out, she showed us the inside of one of the 2 bedroom apartments. I felt like I was walking into a masion! LOL, litterally! There were so many cabinets that I think i'll need more dishes. Not only cabinets but 2 pantries! A hallway closet, a built in book shelf, a built in bar. Patio area with a little storage place off to the side. Built in dishwasher! I have one now but it's a roll around. The bedrooms aren't as big as the ones that we have now, but they have full walk in closets. A bath and 1/2. The kids fell in love with the 2 bedroom. They asked a ton of questions. Toad asked if there was anytihng that the apartment complex did to be "more green". After explaining to the lady what he was talking about, she laughed. Doodle asked her if there were other kids that lived in the building. Tude was concerned that the apartment complex didn't have a pool. As cute as they were though, they were on my nerves. LOL, i was busy talking to the lady. There is no garage but there is covered parking. Tude and Bug will be walking across the playground at school to come home. It's THAT close to the school. Only thing between the school and the apartments is the playground. Toad goes to Middle School next year, nothing will change for him, but ourhome address. He'll still follow. Tude will have to make new friends. She's always been good about that though. Doodle bug is the one that I worry about. I hope that this will be a good change for him though! I'm so excited about this place. There is a community center for the kids, and a huge playground with picnic tables and benches! There is a laundry facility with cameras! There is security that patrols the area at night, but she said that they really don't do much other than hang out. There isn't much crime.
I could handle this. It's 100.00 more a month than I'm paying now. However, if I cut corners and maybe quit smoking, I woud still save a ton of money. This is the next step for me. Moving forward with my life, and gaining momentum. I said that I knew there was more to life than what I've got. SC is right, I do have alot to be thankful for. I do think it's ok to be lonely. I don't need anyone to change my life. I didn't realize that was exactly what I was wanting though. It's so clear, yet I couldn't see it for myself. (((((( SC )))))))) thanks for pointing that out. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Well find out if my credit is ok enough to move in. April 06 Spring Revelations...... it's about time
I feel alot better than I did the other night. I've been focusing on the kids, and on work. Trying to just go with the flow for a bit. Something happened the other day. I ran into Beau. Literally, ran right into him. I was backingup looking at a newspaper article at QT, not paying attention to where I was going. Bump! There he was. I looked at him, but heooked different to me. He looked old and used up. He honestly looked like he was nursing a hang over. Suddenly, I didn't feel so unwanted anymore. I didn't feel that sharp sting of rejection! He's a drunk, thats all he ever was. What the hell was I thinking! He was still charming, and he still had that great smile. It was like his whole persona was just a cover for the demon that I could see underneath! I could see the mean words that he said to me. I could see the look on his face walking in and watching him with the red-head. I wasn't angry anymore. I didn't feel the need to reach out and punch him in the nose. I didn't want to do anything to him. I felt pity for him. This is how our conversation went:
Me: Hey
Beau: Hey there, havn't seen ya around, how ya been
Me: Doin good thanks.
Beau: How are the kids
Me: They are kids
Beau: Still workin at the same place? (handing his money to the cashier)
Me: Yeah, still doin construction?
Beau: Yeah, getting ready to go to school to be an electrician.
Me: Good for you (handing my money to the cashier)
-- we both walk out of Quick Trip -
Beau: I've missed you, I was hoping maybe we could talk
Me: There really is nothing to talk about, I need to pick up the kids, I gotta go.
Beau: Well maybe later we could talk, I'll call ya
Me: Sure, whatever
(I turned and got into the Bronco and then drove away)
I watched him in my rear-view. He watched me leave. Then he sat in his car and watched while I picked u the kids. I took more that enough time inside the daycare. When we came out, he was gone. I really liked Beau. I sincerly did, but as of right now? I pity him. I feel sorry for him because he's alone. I want to reach out and touch him and make things better, at the same time, the farther away from him I get, the better off I'll be. Just like Zero, just like the Denny's Boy, Beau will fade away. He'll become another memory, and I will be able to live with that. Truth be known? I don't want anybody. I just want me and the kids. That's all the everything that I need. I'm starting to hate men sometimes. Then other times, they are just people too. Not evil demons lurking underneath everything else. April 01 I've been around just not writingI have been around... just havn't felt like writing much. I've been reading alot. I found this today, read it online actually. He's selling an e-book. Am I going to buy it? Oh hell, no. Most of the book I've been reading lately are the books that my councelor has been giving me, or lending to me. She says that I've come a long ways, but I think that I'm not doing as well as I should be doing. I've been a little depressed. Always upset, never seeing the bright side. I didn't even realize it. Looking back through my blogs, I can see where the depression has been coming in to play. She says that I'm a good person, and that the reason that I get hurt so easily is because I feel like everything is my fault. She said that I blame myself for more than I should. She also says that I'm more resiliant than I think and that the amount of determination that I have is astounding. She actually used that word astounding. I was astounded by that. LOL. Anyhow, she says that it's always hard to change old habits. She said I'll never meet someone if I don't let go of all of the hurt, and realize the true potential in myself. I know that she's just trying to make me feel good. I feel good about myself lately. She wants me to go on anti-depressants but I've been really stubborn about not taking them. For one, they cost money, something I don't have alot of. Another thing, I don't want to take a "happy pill". Regardless of all of that, I just don't seem to feel like I'm getting very far. I did this to be a better mom. I did this counceling thing, to understand what I'm doing wrong in relationships. I really want things to be better. They are so much better than they were 2 years ago. OMG so much better. I still think that there is more to life than what I've got. There has to be something better out there somewhere. I hate to leave on this kind of note. I'm jsut frustrated with life and I don't know what to do about it. I'm just venting. Sounding off. Tomarrow maybe I'll post a brighter blog.
You were attracted to him, but he just wasn't into you the same way you were into him? In your mind, you could sense what a great guy he was, and that, somewhere deep inside, you both shared this strong "chemistry" that made you feel close and comfortable. But for some reason he didn't want to truly connect with you. Another one...
Of course, the worst part wasn't that it happened, but that you KNEW you shouldn't have done it in the first place... but you did it anyway. And finally:
You were trying to get CLOSER to him, and somehow he kept moving farther AWAY from you. I'm guessing that when one of these things happened, your girlfriends said things like: "He's just a jerk, forget about him". Or they said: "He doesn't see the mistake he's making or what he'll be missing". But he never seemed to see these mistakes... or even miss you. And the worst part of all: You kept thinking about it. In fact, it really GOT TO YOU. And I'll bet the REASON why it got to you is because you worried that it might have been something to do with YOU (and not just because he was a total jerk). In fact, TO THIS DAY you still have the feeling that YOU may have done something wrong, and that you may have CAUSED some of the problems in the first place... and if you would have known the RIGHT thing to do, things would have turned out differently... |
|
|
