This morning was just beautiful.  Following a very busy weekend.  I worked all day Saturday (9 1/2 hours) and Sunday, I have to admit, I cat napped all day long.  Get up do the dishes, take a rest with my eyes closed.  Get up fold some laundry, lay back down and rest some more.  I did make a HUGE pot of chili, and stored some of it.  Then I took a long hot bath, and then took a nap it just tired me out.  I've been working six day weeks for a few weeks now, and apparently I was a tired girl.  So needless to say, I got lots of rest yesterday.  Yes, I had the kids, and yes they were very very good. 

 

When I got up this morning and went to walk out the front door.  There was a note taped to my door.  It was from D-Boy.  It said

Needless to say, I was a little shocked, and a little flattered.  And I very much knew that I am ok with just being friends.

Note to readers:  There is now a guestbook and I changed the coloring around.  Hope you enjoy it.

Yes, I've done something else stupid.  Yesterday, as I was leaving work I felt like I was forgetting something.  So I turned around and seen my cell laying on the desk, I picked it up and hurried out to catch my bus.  On my long bus (the second one) I slept.  I havn't been sleeping much and it's a good time to catch up on sleep.  So I got to Tude's daycare and then I went to get into the farm truck.  I figured out what I had forgotten.  The truck keys.  Damn it!!!!!  Not only that but i had forgotten the house keys also.  I couldn't even get in the house if I wanted to!  I live on the second floor! 

 

So Tude and I rode the bus to pick up the boys and then I let them play while I tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, about 7:30 I finally got ahold of my sister.  She picked us up and then took us downtown to where I work and while I was inside the building (with the kids) she took off and left me!  I was furious!  WTF!!   So I called SBG who called Today and asked her to come and get me and the kids.  Today lives about half an hour south of SBG and I live 45 mintues NORTH of SBG.  So needless to say, Today dropped us off at SBG's and we stayed the night there.  SBG was kind enough to put us up for the night, and I was very greatful. 

 

So now before I leave tonight, I've triple checked everything.  Got keys, got phone, still have to be here tomarrow.  Man I am loving this overtime!!!

 

 

 

UPDATE:  Because of a faux pas (not intentionally, i delete and rewrite alot) I am updating this entry.  RiRi did not leave while I was upstairs in my work place.  She had the kids with her in the car, and then felt it nessessary to leave when I got back down.  She dropped all 4 of us off at a street corner downtown, while she was thinking Today was a few blocks away (which she wasnt but thats neither here nor there).  In fact sence then I've been told "Don't call me anymore if you're going to lye (yes she said lye) about me".  Amazing, she can be disloyal and inconsiderate but let me make a written mistake (unintentional even) and she's all over me like white on rice.  So now she apparently doesn't want anything to do with me.  It breaks my heart, but I would never hurt her like that, and she doesn't care.  Oh yeah, and it was 6:30 when she got there, apparently I can't hit the right buttons.  Anyways, regardless she left me and the kids on a street corner.  Whats worse?  She acts like i owe her something for that. 

 

her comment has been deleted because she was using real people's names.  Any comments that I do not feel are proper I will delete.  Using someones actually name is grounds to have it removed.  Hell, it's MY blog!

This morning, I noticed something.  My old favorite fountain is up and running.  The city people have filled it with bubble stuff, and it's bubbly and pretty!  I have been able to bring myself to go back to it.  All of the spring flowers are in bloom, and bees are buzzing around.  Children and their parents walk around it leisurly.  Sometimes you'll see children picking flowers, sometimes you see them chasing each other through the spray of the fountain.  Still, I havn't been back.  Every day the bus goes by the fountain, and everyday I force myself to look the other direction.

 

I miss Zero today, it was our fountain.  From our first date, we named it ours.  I know after time, things start to go away, and feelings start to disapate.  I'm still waiting for that magical day where it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.  To let it all go, and not have it hanging over my head like the proverbial little black cloud.  However, where there is rain........... where there is sun......... there is always a rainbow.

 

Works keeping me busy, that way I don't have much time to stop and to think.  Great thing about work?  They really seem to appreciate all the work that I do, and they like the little personal extras that I include in my work too.  Which makes me feel great. 

 

Look for more: Tales of a Single Mom, coming to this blog soon.

Last night, I was in bed by 9pm.  I was so tired that I was falling asleep on the couch watching Dancing with the Stars.  I kept nodding off, so finally I just put all 3 kids in bed with me, and they watched Star Wars while I dozed.  Finally when 9 came around, I was ready to pass out.  And I so did.  I guess my phone went off several times, but I didn't hear it.  I was snoozing.  I did wake up when Tude went potty.  I think we are through the whole bedwetting thing now, thank god.  When I woke up this morning, I started waking up at 4am and hitting snooze.  It was great to wake up the lazy way instead of waiting until the last minute.

 

I woke up the kids, and aside from Tude being a little grouchy, we all got ready without much of a problem and then started walking to the school.  We were all walking pretty fast, not wanting to be late, and we were scattering squirrels and rabbits out of their holes.  It was a nice walk in the misty morning, air was fresh and clean.  When we got to the school, our favorite custodian pulled up behind us.  Apparently, she had noticed us walking every morning and had come to pick us up.  We had walked the sidewalk, behind some trees, which is invisible from the road.  She had been driving around for the last 15 mintues waiting for us to give us a ride!  I was so thankful.  I told her that I needed to flip her a few dollars for gas, and she said she wouldn't take it "Because picking you guys up is the right thing to do".  My heart melted.  Tude and i got into the farm pickup (now at the school so that no one will mess with it) and took Tude to daycare. 

 

When i got to the daycare, Miss N_____ was there, she had come over a few weeks ago, very upset over an arguement with her beau.  She stayed for a couple hours, and then left feeling better.  Apparently, things are gong better now.  She made sure to tell me thanks and told me if I needed anything just to call her.  I felt like a million bucks.

 

So I went to the bus stop from there.  The bus came barrelling through, and I could see my black guy friend on the bus standing up waving his arms at me.  It stopped about a 1/2 a block down and I ran to catch up!  I had missed that bus all week and had to take an alternate bus to get to work.  He said that he had been worried about me, and that from now on I should ok it with him before I start making other bus trips.  He was joking of course, but it made me feel good to know that someone was looking out for me.

 

 

 

After all the bad things that have happened in the last couple weeks, and the wounded ego from letting something go that you really don't want to, it was nice to feel wanted and appreciated.  It's been a long time sence anyone had anything good to say.  Or maybe, I'm noticing it now, because I'm confortable in my own skin, not so much my surroundings, but within myself.  Doing the right thing is always a blessing in itself.  Then when you have others reminding you, it just seems to put the icing on the cake. 

Yes, that's right, The Tude has been signed up for school.  Yesterday, I went to the school with her, and we sat out in the lobby waiting for 30 mintues, through the line.  Tude met several of her new classmates.  One little girl was named Cally.  They played and played.  Hair and barbies, and just whatever else that Tude had shoved into her backpack.  While the girls sat and played, I shooed the boys out to the playground for some outside time before we went home.  As I stood there in line, I noticed that most of the people there were in pairs.  One man, one woman, and two children.  So the "perfect" family of four.  As I sat there alone, waiting my turn in line, I began to watch some of the other people.  Alot of them know each other, they were talking about upcoming functions.  Normally, I'm talking to everyone and making new friends, but this time, not so much.  I was tired, didn't even really want to be waiting in this huge line of kindergardeners and their parents.  As I sat there longer, I began to feel a little self conscious.  With Tude playing at my feet with her little toys, it gave me time to evaluate each person there.  From the mexican family that had twin boys to put into school, to do little boy who wore a suit, because his daddy was wearing one I'm sure.  I was the only person there that wasn't with someone else.  Well someone else like another adult.  As i sat there, no one really talked to me and i was ok with that.  I overheard names, Broyles, VanDiger, Harten.  I know of those names, and to be honest, it was really hard not to jump up and say "You people are a bunch of snobs!" 

 

I didn't say anything I finally got up into my place in line and was thrilled to see Doodle's kindergarden teacher.  She walked past everyone else and gave me a HUGE hug!  I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to finally be recognized, for someone to finally say hi to me.  Yeah, I could have said hi to all those people, but I really didn't feel like it.  It had been a long day, and I was ready to go to bed.  After working all weekend, and then Sunday evening helping my dad to change all 4 tires on the farm truck, I was a little worn out.  I felt silly anyways, with my busted lip and chipped tooth.  Not bad, but obvious that I had gotten hurt (more appropriotly busted myself in the mouth with the tire iron). 

 

After it was all said and done, and I escaped with all three of my babies, we walked home hand in hand.  I was never so happy to get home.  Tude was a bundle of nerves all night long, so excited about school.  Asking about her teacher and asking about the class rooms.  Most of the kids that will be in Tude's class were all in Monessori schools.  wow!  Must be nice to have money enough to do that.  I didn't take pics last night, to be honest, it wasn't that big of a deal t me.  What I failed to see, is that it was a HUGE deal to Lil Miss Ally-tude.  Before bed last night she kissed and hugged me and said "Hey mom, you just hugged a kindergardener".  At that point, I realized how much I've been caught up in my own life, and that I really havn't been spending alot of time with the kids, and it shows. 

When I went to bed last night, I made a promise to myself, I was going to wake up and start all over again.  Fresh start, fresh day.  I woke up in plenty of time, got the kids all ready and did the morning prayer (which is seemingly becoming part of our morning routine.  At Toadman's insistance.  Next thing I know he'll be having me read the bible to them every night.).  This morning the prayer was one of patience and love.  Toad prayed that he would have a good day.   With a heartfelt amen, we all got up and walked out the door.  Everyone looked great, and we walked out to the truck.  I stopped in the middle of the drive.  All of the truck tires were flat.  I walked over to the truck in horror.  My dad's old farm truck, that I've only driven for 3 miles a day (im still catching the bus downtown).  The truck I went with my dad to pick up when I was 6 years old.  Someone had messed with it.  I walked up to it in shock.  I checked out the tires and there were 4 definet slash marks in the front tire and about the same number in the rest of them.  I suddenly got angry. Suddenly, I had more wrath than I knew what to do with.  I gave Toad the keys to Toadman and told him to go back upstairs with the other two kids.  While I stood there trying to figure out what to do.  I wanted to break the windows.  I wanted to take a bat and bust out every single headlight.  I wanted to kick it and scream at it and call it filty names.  The old truck that would let me know dad was home by her rattling ladder racks.  I started to shake, I looked around for something to pick up.  Anything a rock a stick, anything.  Just something to put my hands on to launch at the truck.  Something to cause damage, something to break, something to hurt.  As I looked around, I seen nothing.  Not even any trash.  Of all days for there to be nothing on the ground today was not the day.

 

I looked back at the truck.  Her door still open.  I took a deep breath and walked over to the door and put my hand on the rusted door handle.  I looked inside and it's ripped interior and the guilt hit.  This was a good old truck.  I remembered all the good memories that we shared.  I went to pick it up with dad he let me put my hand on the gear shift all the way home, feeling the vibrations of the knob, and running my little girl fingers over the code of 1st gear 2nd gear 3rd gear and 4th gear on the top of it.  I remembered climbing on it as a girl thinking it was the best jungle gym in the world.  We hauled wood for the wood burning stove in it.  I rode in the back of it all the way back from Oregon, hidden underneath a blanket so that no one would see me there, because I knew it was illeagle but there was no room for me and my middle sister in the cab of it.  I was 14.  I remembered the time my dad hit me so hard when I was 16 that my head hit the door of the truck and the dent is still in the door.  I remembered laying there, and screaming holding my head.  I remember screaming for help as my dad took off hit belt and the first hit landed.  It was probably the worst ass beating I've ever had.  As I ran my, now full grown, hand over that dent the tears began.  They were overwhelming, they totally took control.  I felt like I had stepped out of my body and was watching myself from another vantage point.

 

I leaned against the seat of the truck and put my head down and cried.  At 6:30 in the morning, bawling my eyes out.  I don't know exactly what I was crying for.  I don't remember any clear thoughts, just a jumble of everything.  Things flew through my mind like bullets wizzing through the morning fog.  I couldn't breathe, I was crying so hard.  I put my head down on my arms and just let it all go.  I couldn't help it, I have really really tried so hard.  Struggling to get to work, getting to daycare, grocery store on Saturday, laundry on Sunday, because we can walk there.   I miss him, I want him, it's not fair I can't have him, the bills are so far behind and i have no idea how to catch them up, how could he have hit me so much, i was letting down the kids, I was letting down myself, and I had let everyone at work down now too, because I didn't know how I was going to make it to work.  I cried for all kinds of reasons, but the most I cried for was because I felt sorry for myself.  I pitied myself and called myself names for letting this happen.  Living like white trash, living in a terrible apartment complex that had hurt my old friend the Ol' Blue Truck.  What kind of person lives with the constant drama that I live in.  What kind of person sits there and feels sorry for herself. 

 

Finally, after what seemed like hours of crying, I picked up my cell phone and did the only thing that I knew to do.  I called my dad.  "Daddy can  you please swing by and pick up me and the kids?"  I had to tell him about his old truck.  The truck that he loves more than anything.  He brags how it's lasted longer than any of his wives, and it's older than one of his kids!  I can't say he was none to pleased, but he didn't yell at me when he seen it.  He was calm.  He asked me who did it, and I honestly couldn't say.  My exhusband?  Neighbor kids?  The girl upstairs who lately has taken the notion to hate me?  I just looked at him with my mouth hanging open.  I couldn't honestly believe this was happening.  To be honest, I still feel a little bewildered about it.  Before anyone thinks it, I don't think it was The Denny's Boy ex g/f.  For one she doesn't have a car, and for two she lives in Belton, which is waaaaaaaay on the other side of the city.  There isn't even a bus that goes there, driving it's a hard hour away.  Besides she would have no idea where I live, D-Boy lives near SBG so it's not like i'm close to him.  I would place bets on my exhusband.  The SmackTard strikes again, again when I least expect it.  Only thing is I can't prove it, I didn't see it.  The police said that they couldn't send out an officer at the moment but that I was more than welcome to walk in a statement (apparently bad pile up on the Paseao bridge, one of the only ports into the city from north of the river - there are 4 bridges). 

 

Dad gave me a ride to work after dropping off the kids.  He told me that it wasn't my fault, but I still felt terrible and kept aplogizing all over myself.  I couldnt help it, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I had thought about tearing that poor old truck limb from limb, part by part, and screw by sheetmetal.  Truck didn't do it to itself, but it still didn't make me feel any better.

 

  I bummed a smoke from my dad and sat puffing away, deep in thought.  Dad jabbered away about the situation but I had tuned him out.  I was thinking about who did this, and why, and how and all those other questions, trying to figure it all out.  As I flipped the smoke out of the open truck window, I noticed, the clock had just turned over to 7:02am.

 

 

I have been thinking alot about this over the past 48 hours or so.  Not sure what to do, freaking out because of the whole I love you/complex dilly.  SC and Lucy have been on my mind alot too.  Thinking about their two cents, and my sister's too.  My sister has been telling me, run like hell.  Don't look back, don't collect two hundred dollars, pulls up your boots straps girl and just keep on truckin.  Then today he called while I was at lunch, but I had left my phone in my pocket in my jacket.  Purposefully not taking it to lunch.  He had called when I was gone, and I had 5 mintues on my lunch left, so he said he would call me back on the way to his dads for their annual hunting weekend.  So, I told him ok and went back to work. 

 

When I got home, i took the kids outside to play for a bit, and then I waited for him to call.  He did of course, and we chit chatted for a bit, and then we turned (again) to the ex g/f situation.  I told him that I didn't mind the fact that he had a baby on the way.  That actually I kinda liked the idea of being around a baby.  I LOVE babies.  (After not being able to have any more kids, ever, I love babies like you wouldn't believe).  I told him that I have a problem with the ex g/f situation.  That I feel really uncomfortable with him going over there and hanging out, rubbing on her, and talking about the things that they talk about. 

 

The first thing he said was "I told you that I didn't want anything serious".  I looked at the phone, and then put it back to my ear (but didn't say anything) and then looked at it agian, and then hung it up.  I must have looked bewildered, I know I had to have.  I couldn't even form a thought.  He had summed it up in a nut shell right there.  It was all sex. Which is damn good, don't take me wrong.  Still, I like him more than just that.

 

The phone rang again.  I answered and it was him, he was shocked I had hung up on him saying: "did you really just hang up on me?".  I said "yeah, I did.  You turned me into the other woman, how could you do that"  He told me "It's not that I don't like you.  I just don't want you to get hurt.  I think you're funny and witty and beautiful and you never seem to get flustered (aparently he doesn't know me as well as I thought he did).  My boss likes you, threatened to kick my ass if I broke your heart.  All my friends like you, you're down to earth and your honest and sincere.  I like hanging out with you.  I've noticed myself pulling back."  I told him "what exactly is going on here.  what exactly am I, and how exactly do you see this working".  He told me that he was being honest with everyone.  That he told her about me, and told me about her.  That I am the girl he is dating and that she is the girl that might be having his baby.  I didn't bat an eyelash.  It was the truth and I knew it and I had come to grips with that already.  I asked him if they would get back together if the baby was his.  he said that he didn't know. 

 

At that point it all fell into place.  The whole puzzle locked into place.  Suddenly it hit me, I really did kinda like him.  For the first time in the whole conversation my voice cracked.  I hate that it did.  I feel stupid that it did, I feel like I let myself down, but it did.  I said the only thing that seemed to be in my head at the time.  "I was falling for a guy that didn't care about me.  I gotta go."  I hung up the phone and turned it off.  I didn't want to talk to him anymore.  I walked around the side of the building and and kicked it a few times.  Not stupid insane I-just-broke-down-and-i'm-late-for-work-and-i'm-stressed-out type of kicking.  Just a few gentle I have to kick something kicks.  :-)  No broken bones or property.  I finally understood, he's a decent guy, he's got a bright future ahead of him, and he's going to have a baby. 

 

When I came inside I cried for a minute.  It was hard not to.  I wanted something that I can't have.  Something thats not mine to take.  I have no right interfering.  If anything I should be trying to convince him to go back to her, if the baby is his.  Which the probability is pretty high.  Having a baby is something very special and he should be there to share that with her.  I'm caught up in a web that I can easily step out of. 

 

I finally got dried up and went to the bathroom to splash water on my face, and to get a drink and blow my nose, and I plugged my phone in.  It was almost dead from being on all day.  I wanted to call my sister's house and I still don't know the number by heart.  I've always called her cell phone.  So I turned on my phone to get the number.  I noticed that he had sent me a text message.  I opened it, with almost dread.  Just because I knew what had to be done, doesn't mean that he knew that I knew.  (Did that just make any sence?).. 

 

It said "I just got to dads ill call u 2night".  I hate having to do it, but it's time.  I knew better than to get back into this after the first time I took a break.  I can honestly say, I met someone who inspired me to live life again.  To enjoy the wonderful things of life, like a sunset or singing to the radio even if you didn't know all the words.  He made me laugh again, when I hadn't laughed in a very long time.  Thinking of him made me smile.  I needed that.  I had forgotten how good it felt to live again.  To take a break from the hetic cyle of my life, and step back and have something private and personal of my own. 

 

Now, all I have to do is to tell him.

Last night was my night with The Denny's Boy.  I hadn't seen him in about a week, we'e both been pretty busy.  Him with work and me the same.  I put the kids to bed, and he came over about an hour later.  We hung out for a bit and fell asleep talking about kids and work and kids to be.  I woke up about 1am and realized that I hadn't pulled the car up from the other end of my apartment complex (they paved the drive yesterday so I had to park down by the office.  So I threw on my shoes and made my way outside and down the drive.  I got the car and pulled it up to my apartment building, parked it, and then came back inside.  Got back in the house, stripped down to tshirt and panties again and climbed into bed. 

 

He rolled over put his arm around me and said, "I love you".  I gave me a hell of a start and I said "huh? what did you say?"  He just mumbled somthing, and then kissed me on the neck and said, "yeah I love you too" then he rolled over and said somthing about complications.  More to the tune of "you complicate me".  I couldn't think of anything to say.  So I layed there with my head on his chest and said "Yeah, I have a tendency to do that".  To be honest, I figured he was just sleep talking, he seemed to be sound asleep.  I fell asleep right after that.  But I didn't sleep well.

 

I had a dream that we got into an arguement, and he was yelling at me "Stop complicating me!  Don't you understand?"  In my dream I was just as upset.  Telling him if he didn't like it, "there's the damn door and don't let it hit you on the ass on the way out. "  I woke up to him playing with my ear and immeadiatly I was set on gaurd.  i don't know wether it was the dream or the sleep conversation that we held the night before, but I was not at ease.  Smart boy that he is picked up on it.  He gave me my space and after awhile I asked him.  "Why did you say that last night, that you loved me and that I complicated you".  He looked surprized and said "I don't know what you're talking about".  At that moment, I wanted to floor to open up and swallow me.  I gave a little giggle and said "well must have been asleep and dreamed it (I totally lied)" and then I went to get out of bed. 

 

I got ready for work and so did he, we didn't say much, but we normally don't, both of us getting mentally prepared for the day.  We sat there sharing a smoke (yes even though we both quit) and I asked him about the baby and how his ex g/f was.  He said fine that she wanted him to come over last night, but he "had plans". I asked what they did while he was there.  He said usually watch tv, rub her feet, listen to her bitch about everything.  I didn't know what to say to that so I blew it off and layed back, and finished smoking.  I began to tell him "I don't want to be the girl on the side" but all that came out was "I don't think.........".  I didn't finish, but he did say "Sence when don't you think, your wheels are always churnin".  I smiled at him, cause he knows me that well. 

 

When he left we did the same thing we always do, he says "Have a good day kiddo" and I say "Same to you Cheif".  Normally, after I see him I'm normally floating on a cloud.  Today?  I'm mellow, everyone keeps asking me whats wrong.  Nothing is wrong though, I think I'm just a little ill at ease with the whole "I love you" and "you complicate me" words.  Even though he was asleep, and more than likely doesn' t mean it, it still got under my skin.  It almost hurt my feelings, but I don't know why. 

 

I don't want to fall in love again.  Especially this soon.  I don't want to get hurt in the maybe baby momma drama.  I just want to live and live happily.  Why do I have to be so emotional at times?

 

Sidenote:  Sherri, sorry I didn't call back last night, sometimes the kids keep me busy.

Last night, I was talkin to The Denny's Boy, he was talking about his parents and about his childhood.  Kinda complaining about it but mainly just telling me little stories.  He apparently, likes to hunt and to fish.  He eats whatever he catches or kills.  Which is a big relief after Duck, he only killed for game and fun.  He likes music, but a little heavier than what I like.  He likes Patera and more "death" metal.  He likes to eat (as I've seen many many times).  Whats more?  He seems like a pretty decent guy.  He's excited about becoming a dad, and he has been helping a sick friend out (mainly because he made him sick, so I think part of it is guilty consciounce. Yes, I know I probably spelled that wrong.). 

 

While we were talking I told him how bad I felt for certain issues he went through as a child.  His reply?  "It's because of them, that I am who I am".  I got to thinking about that.  Everyone we meet shapes us and molds us into who we are.  Everyone I have met has meant something to me, whether they realize it or not.  From the highschool chorus assistant teacher.  He gave me the chance to sing in front of the class even though I bombed it.  To the woman that stopped to help me the day that I left my husband.  Most of the people that have meant the most to me, I don't even know their names.  Then there are those that I hold close to my heart and soul.  Sherri, Sherry, Jessie, Cheetah, RiRi, my parents, Lucy, and tons of others.  So it's because of you all, that I am who I am.  That comment can mean so much, and yet have so many different meanings.

 

 

On a sidenote:  I broke down and sent Zero (uhg) a snippet email on myspace.  Told him :  She's cute.  After the mean statement I made about her not being very pretty (and having some pride), I felt a little guilty.  So instead of sending one back that said thanks?  or yes I'm happy?  He sent back a  part of my blog entry saying she wasn't pretty.  He also made me who I am today.  Because I don't play word games anymore.  I can speak my mind, and know that I'm saying it because I think I should.  Regardless of whether it's the right thing to say or not.  I know in my heart I made the right choice in sending him that little note.  I know in my heart that I wouldn't have been happy with him.  I was miserable always wondering about him or us or anything else for that matter.  The kids still ask about him, but I've come up with the "I'm sure he's fine, who wants a cookie!" routine.  The only thing that really pushes my buttons is that he reads my blog.  Part of me wondered if he read it sometimes, then others?  Other times I don't care.  This is my blog.  It's never been very sane, it's my outlet.  I ramble and write.  I write and ramble.  Till the point where I don't feel the need to have it, this blog is mine.  From sexuality confused ex/boyfriends.......... to physcotic ex husbands....... to wonderful kisses and hugs from the kids. 

 

At this point I will say....... this blog is about my life.  You may not agree, you may not enjoy it, but most definetly, you will never forget that I wrote it.

Let's play a game........ can you find all 3 kids?

 

Last night, as I'm talkin to The Denny's Boy, he called from his camping trip.  I noticed all three of the kids were very quiet.  After the whole running away from home incident, then I figured, I'd better be scared.  What had they done?  Why they took the TV/Vcr combo thingy out of my room and then stuck it in their room!  Apparently, fell asleep watching a movie.  So the questions is....... can you find all 3 kids?  Took me a minute too.

 

 

sidenote......... I still havn't smoked.  They smell like ass anymore.  There are the occassional urges to pick one up and puff away, yet I'm holding back.  Of course I havn't drank or had sex in over 2 weeks (The Denny's Boy isn't keeping up on his end of the bargain, he's busy and so am I..... perhaps I need to remedy that.) but anyways, I still havn't smoked.  I'm not counting days either, seems to make them drag on faster.

This morning I noticed that I hadn't seen the girl I ride the bus with in the mornings for over a week.  So while riding on our bus, I picked up the phone and called her.  She is the girl that got hired for the position that I didn't get hired for at ACH.  Apparently, they have let her go.  They weren't satisfied with her quality of work.  They were always on her.  I remember how upset I was.  Only a few months ago, really broken-hearted over the whole situation.  Thinking I'd never find a job or how I was going to pay the bills or anything else for that matter.  Now that I look back on things, I've realized, it was the best fo rme that I didn't get that job.  I have to admit, I love my job.  I think that the people are awesome, and I really enjoy doing things for the community, as well as for the troops overseas.  I never dreamed i would land a job like this, and I have to admit I'm relishing in it (give me a hot dog damn it!). 

 

In other news I miss The Denny's Boy, been 5 whole days sence I've seen him, but seriously, I'm not telling him.  I know I said the same thing about smoking, but I seriously, I'm not going to tell him.  Last thing I need is him thinking I'm interested.  The best thing I learned from being with Mr. Zero?  Never let a man know how much you are into them.  They will walk all over you, and treat you like you don't matter.  I think I'll make The Denny's Boy work for it.  Let him want it, hold it in front of him, but not let him touch it.  Let him come to me.  Lesson's learned.

Well sence I took a couple puffs off a smoke yesterday, I figured that I had better start my count down all over again.  Today was a nighmere at work.  I had a dealine that I had to deal with.  Not one of my deadlines, but one of the programs that we are running right now, the deadline to have all the information in was yesterday.  So I've been wading through Youth Supporting Our Troops information.  All day at work, I wanted a cig but I refused to give in.  Tonight hasn't been too bad.  I've been keeping busy and trying to just stay occupied.  It seems to be working, oh yeah and eating black jelly beans like they are going out of style.  I know that I'm going to gain like 20 pounds or more.  Especially after losing all that weight.  It's a little disheartening to be honest.  I thought I would feel great if I quit smoking.  I don't though.  I'm crabby and irratable.  Been maintaining at work, been busy at home.  I've been trying pretty hard, without trying to think about it.

 

The Denny's Boy didn't come over tonight.  Wednesday nights have kinda been our thing.  Wednesday nights and every other weekend. LOL.  He calls me every night, sometimes at lunch too, just to say hi.  I'm still pretty leary.  I'd rather not get all caught up in some whirl wind romance.  I'd rather just hang out every once in awhile and just take things slow and easy.  Something that he's all for too.  Although if he doesn't quit rubbing it in that I took a few puffs off a cig (yes, I broke down and told him) then I'm going to smack him in his cute lil head. 

 

I think tonight, I'm going to take a nice hot bubble bath.  Going to light some candles, and put in some bath salt smell goods.  Maybe even paint my nails.  Who knows, I've been feeling pretty ragged lately, I could really use some R&R.  Seems like even when I don't have the kids I'm still running around doing all kinds of stuff.  I think tonight, it's going to be me, a salt bath, and a very nice soak (then shower, cause I can't sit in my own filth very long).

Been playing a game on MySpace, it's too much fun.  Really get to know other people!  This is what i've seen so far.  Lil Bit (jessie) posted one that I thought was funny.  Don't let him fool you, ladies man he may be, however, he's still a punk (or a Mushnick depending on the type of day I'm having!) By the way, my name is Stacey.

 

 

This morning was not a good morning.  Woke up late, kids were going crazy.  I realy need to get my house back under control  Ever sence I started this new job, it's taken priority over everything else.  I've been so stressed out that my hair is falling out.  I have a medium sized bald spot on the back right hand side of my head.  You can't really tell from looking at it but I can tell.  I'm eating everything in site.  I really shouldn't have quit smoking.  I cheated even.  Talk about feeling like crap about it.  I smoked 3 puffs off a cig.  Am I going to tell The Denny's Boy? Oh HELL no, no way, he's on day four, I'm on day one (yeah my will power isn't the greatest). 

 

I seriously don't want to cheat on stopping smoking, but I've been really stressed out, and right now, it's almost impossible not to smoke.  It may not be in anyones best interest if I quit smoking.  My kids or my co-workers.

For everyone that is an avid reader or for my welcome new guests, as you can tell I am a smoker.  I have smoked sence I was 14 years old.  Would steal my step-mom's cigs and smoke them every chance I got.  When The Denny's Boy just woke and decided, you know?  I think I'll stop smoking today.  I have to admit I was impressed.  He smoked 2 packs a day!  That makes my measley 5 or 6 a day lack in compairison!  Still though, I told myself, I won't smoke in front of him.  I even toyed with the idea of just stopping buying them and then I won't have them around to smoke.  Case closed.  Of course I thought I had 3 more packs in the freezer at home too!  So I get home, dieing for a smoke, after smoking my last one at nine am during first break.  So by 4:15 when I get off work, I'm bitchy and grouchy.  Just want to get home and smoke a cig.  I get home and go to the freezer first thing, don't even take off my coat or put my bus bag down.  Sure enough, they were no where to be found.  I searched everywhere. 

 

I've called Denny's Boy twice.  Hey, talk to me, take my mind off the smokes!  So we talk and then we both end up talking about cigs.  He's been playing vidiot games and sleeping.  I've been folding laundry and typing and typing ad typing.  I almost brought work home.  If I would have known I didn't have cigs, I would have.  I certainly have enough of it to do at the office.  In fact I may be doing quite a bit of that.  Which means no overtime though, and I really like the overtime.  When I called the first time he laughed at me.  The second time he told me, take deep breaths, get some candy going.  Good idea!! Least till I can get some gum tomarrow!  So I've been sucking on lemonheads.  Yum Yum.  Drinking a ton of water, brushing my teeth constantly.  Chewing on straws, I need to start crochetting again too.  That always kept my mind busy.  At work is going to be the hardest.  Maybe I'll start walking on break.  I do know though, that i'm starting to cough up all this shit in my lungs.  I have never coughed like this before either!  I'm pretty bitchy, and I've been ragging and nagging about every little thing.  So it has offically been 13 hours sence I last smoked a cig. 

 

You know?  I really did like smoking though.  I liked going on smoke breaks, and it's a great conversation starter.  To be honest, I think the Denny's Boy was damned hot when he was smoking.  Hell that boy is damn sexy in his long johns.  Anyways, back to the topic at hand (yeah my brain is getting a little overrun by the denny's boy, time to take a step back and evaluate here.  Last thing I need is something serious).  Anyways, it's been 13 hours.  All i have to do is make up my mind to do it.  Just say, I'm going to quit smoking, then do it.  It's all about will power.  

 

Will power, I can do this.  If a million other people can do this I can do this too.  I am starting to think I just did this to impress the denny's boy. and I think part of that is true.  But the other part is, I spend a great deal of money on cigs over a years time.  768.00 on the lowest scale using coupons and sales and discount smoke shops for the best deals on the brand I smoke.  I could really use that money on other stuff.  Like putting the kids in an actiity, or maybe taking them on a mini-vacation to the lake. Knowin me?  I'd pay the bills or do the extra never ending laundry.  I know (actually I typed out the I think and then I backspaced to erase "think" and put in "know"), that quitting smoking is not only healthier for myself, but the kids, and everyone around me.  I got a good whiff of a cig today, and it smelled really good.  Then I wanted one.  Then I thought, i'll smoke one when I get home, but then there were none to be had. 

 

If anyone can tell, I just am typing to fill up space so that I'm not smoking.  Uhg, time to find something else to do, and to brush my teeth!

Easter was a smashing success!  It was actually really really good!  Kids had a great day, and they got lots of candy.  Well all the kids except for Lil Miss Ally-tude.  It was her turn to be sick on a holiday, and boy did she ever.  She started throwing up about 10:30 last night.  Was on the phone with The Denny's Boy and all of a sudden, bleh, all over my lap.  So gross!  So we've been dealing with vomit and such, so that's always fun.  I got lots of pictures of the Easter Bunny trails, and of my 2 easter bunny helpers (the neighbor and his brother).  The Denny's Boy made a special 1am stop by with chocolate and a huge hug.  He stayed and then left about 6am.  Most of the time I was spent holding Tude in the bathroom while he snoozed but that was ok.  I didn't mind much.  We work well like that, we can both do our own thing, but across the room, we can connect about stuff.  It's pretty cool. 

 

As normal Doodle divided out his candy into piles and sorted them in order of color and kind.  That kid amazes me!  Toadman hid most of his candy and will bring it out in 2 weeks when all the other kids don't have more candy.  Just to tease them of course.  Because that's what big brothers do.  The kids all played together all day, and then later in the day my best friend brought over a dresser for Tude, complete with a mirror!  So the rest of the day was spent putting her room back together, and organizing.  I went through tons of clothes and got rid of a bunch of Tude's old clothes and some of Bugs.

 

 

 

In other news, I had found Zero's myspace awhile back.  I check the picture occassionally, just to remember what I threw away so much of my life on.  He has found a new g/f!  Yay for him!  I have to admit though, she looks a tad bit like the biker bitch that he dated before me.  She's a little masculine, I hope she's nice though.  I really don't want bad things for him, but it does make me feel good for some reason that he's with a woman instead of a man.  It's a load off my conscious thats for damn sure.  Nothing like thinking that you turned your ex b/f gay to give ya a real self esteem boost!  NOT!  Anyways, best to them both.  I thought I would be upset if I ever found out that he was with someone else.  I have to admit, I'm relieved.  Not upset, not angry.  However, in my own evil way, I'm glad she's not very pretty.  I do have SOME pride ya know!

This weekend was really cool.  The Denny's Boy came over Thursday night and then went to work while I hung out all day and did Easter Bunny hunt.  I got the jelly beans and the candies and such.  I got each of the kids a shirt and a couple of those little twisty straws.  I only spent 25 bucks, check me out! I rock!  I also went and seen my little chineese lady with the awesome hands.  The kids' dad picked them up (surprize!) friday afternoon, which gave me and the denny's boy time together last night too.  But what did he spring on me?  He quit smoking.  He just woke up Friday morning and said , "eh, I don't want to smoke anymore".  But he wanted to sit next to me and breathe it in.  LOL, so whats the point of quitting I asked?  He said, in a manly man deep gorrilla voice, "Tempting myself woman, stop it."  I died laughing.  If nothing else the boy keeps me in stitches.  Thursday night, we tried to watch Forrest Gump.  Didn't make it much through the movie.  Friday night we were watching Lord of the Rings and I heard deep heavy breathing and some slight snoring, and I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.  We wokeup this morning and just layed there.  It was pretty cool.  The sun wasn't up yet, yet here we both were, wide awake at 4am.  Neither one of us waking the other, neither one of us giving subtle little shakes.  Just both wide awake at 4am.  We layed there for a while, then his belly grumbled.  He literally growled in my ear "Me, want food, woman".  Then he made pretend to eat my ear and neck.  LOL, like i said, stitches I tell ya. 

 

So we went to IHOP, breakfast?  ick, but I went and drank coffee and shoved down some biscuts and gravy.  The man ate 4 plates of food.  Pancakes, sausage, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, coffee, and toast.  I watched amazed as he put it all away.  He shoved it in.  Literally.  I was staring at him eating.  I couldn't help it.  He was inhaling it.  He stopped with the fork 1/2 way to his face and his mouth was full of food.  I had just taking a drink of my water (that comes along with coffee) and he caught me watching him.  He said "Wha.." and he spit out some food.  I couldn't help it anymore.  I couldn't swallow my water and it came splurting out of my nose.  Which made me laugh even harder.  We were both laughing so hard that everyone in the restaurant was laughing at us.  He raises his hand hello and says "Don't mind us!"  I laughed even harder.

 

We went back to my house after that.  Just hanging out.  Watched a blood bath movie (uck!) and just talked.  Was pretty interesting actually.  I also wanted him to show me some of the stuff that he does in his training.  He got right behind me and pressed up next to me and said follow me just like we're dancing.  I did.  Before long I was duck, dive, punch, block, punch, roll, ducking.  It was pretty cool.  He did make the mistake of coming a little too close (like with in 2 feet) of my nose.  Then I was done  Enough self defence training for today. LOL.  I had my quota for a bit.  He made a little thumping chest mokey noises and said something about being king of the jungle, no woman could make him submit! (yes he did say submit).  I was laughing again. 

 

He was getting ready to go, putting his shoes on, dragging his ass off the couch, and I was ready for a nap.  I walked him to the door and he stuck a sucker in his mouth.  I already had one in my mouth.  He leaned close like he was going to kiss me, and I'm thinking "what in the hell! he's going to poke out my eye!"  He bit the end of the sucker and pulled it out of my mouth and stuck it to the end of my nose.  He's such a punk sometimes.  More giggling from us both ensued. 

 

I've already played easter bunny, my jelly bean trails are on the ground on the hallway and on the stairs.  I've hada neighbor complain, but thats pretty normal, ask me if I give a damn.  I don't :)  The baskets are all set up.  I took pics of the baskets and such I'll post them.  It feels so good to have my camera back.  I plan on writing a separate blog about the eater bunny adventure.

 

(he just called, btw.  Telling me that he was eating popcorn with chocolate apple dip.  have to admit that didn't sound too bad.  Then he said that his roommate was frying up some sausage and they were going to try that next.  I almost gagged.  He laughed and laughed.  He said that he thought of me when his roommate said sausage and chocolate.  LOL, I dont like for my food to touch.  My food is non-touching damn it!  I have a separated plate at SBG's house so I can eat a nice dinner.  I order my food on separate plates, if at all possible.

 

Speaking of pictures and such, I did steal a picture of him.  Caught him off gaurd, but I didn't want him to look unnatural.  So I snapped it and he seen me at the last second.  Figured I'd post it.  Cause did I mention that he fixed my camera?  I couldn't use it, he said worst thats going to happen is that he'd break it, and it was already broken.  So now I have a working camera.  Yay~  Maybe this time it will stay fixed.  Any other time that it's been fxed, it just quits working a couple days later.  Let's hope it works a little longer this time.