As I sit here listening to the coffee bubbling in the coffee maker, and the eggs frying in the skillet, I'm starting to feel better.  Life is back to normal, I've got control of my own feelings, and I fee comfortable in my own skin.  Finally lost that extra 30 pounds of Zero weight.  Still working on my self esteem, pretty hard when someone wants another man more than you, seems to be a little difficult to put in the past with that type of rejection.  I'm seeming to do ok though.  The Denny's Boy and I are quits, or at least thats how the conversation ended last night.  With the new baby on the way, I really think that I'm going to be more hurt than anything else in the long run.  I've got my warm fuzzies up for someone who really is just out to have a good time.  Some people, that's all they want, and I can't fault him, because he told me that from the beginning.  Thats all I wanted in the beginning too, just to hang out, have a great time, and maybe get to know someone a little better.  I don't know when it all changed, but I'm so not ready for baby-mama-drama.  I have my own kids, and a job, and I have a hard enough time trying to make it work without another woman thrown into the mix. 

 

Last night, while the kids and I were at the park, I called him and told him... he's still coming over tonight though, why I agreed I have no idea.  It's not fun anymore, it's complicated, and complication makes my brain hurt.  Why can't I just hang out with a guy sometimes and not get all emotional and stuff?  I wonder when it comes to relationships, if I'm not subconciously trying to destroy everyone of them in my path.  Making it impossible to get to me in a very intimate way, yet I am quick to dismiss a man if I feel like he's not into me.  Maybe part of that comes into play with my own self esteem.  I had pretty much brought my self esteem back up to par before I met Zero, and he had a knack of crushing it while playing the maryter.  Weird combination I know, but it's just the way it was.  Maybe thats why I have such an issue lately with The Denny's Boy.  Zero seldom told me I was beautiful, couldn't stand to touch me, and was always telling me what I wanted to hear, instead of just telling me the truth.  Leading me on and then letting me down all at the same time, the constant disappointment of it all was really hard on me, and to be honest, I still live with a few of the emotional scars.  The Denny's Boy isn't like that.  It's great to hang out with him, and it's great to see him smile.  He's got a great smile.  His touch is ravishing and he looks me straight in the eye, which is something that Zero stopped doing when I told him I wasn't comfortable with the other guy thing. 

 

I wonder sometimes, if I'm just not meant to be with anyone.  Its not the guys that I find or type of men I'm attracted to.  It's me.  It's me who makes the final descion, it's me who jumps on the bandwagon, or sits this one out.  I know this sounds like I'm distraught, maybe crying, and I have shed a few tears.  But mainly because of the lonliness, not because I'm in love with The Denny's Boy, not because I can't live without him; but, because at the rate I'm going, I might as well go get about 10 cats and move them all in.  The Denny's Boy and I will still be friends, after all, he didn't do anything wrong to me.  He didn't break my heart or treat me badly.  He didn't put me off for weeks at a time, and he always told me what he was thinking and feeling.  He never fed off of my disappointments and he never told me what I wanted to hear.  He's a great kid, who is going to have a kid of his own, who does the whole construction worker thing (which is sooooo hot). 

 

As I write this and read back through it, I'm noticing something.  I'm comparing Zero to The Denny's Boy.  It's not fair to The Denny's Boy, who cares if it's fair to Zero.  I'm still bitter, I'm still hurt, and I'm not ready to date someone seriously yet.  Neither is The Denny's Boy, but why do I feel the need to turn tail and run.  To run till I'm out of breath and then just keep on going.  Left Right.  Left Right.  To feel the air burning in my lungs and my legs turn to jelly, and to zone out into the stretch.  I don't know what I need to do, but I know that something is not right, and something is not setting well with me.  I don't know what that something is, but it's for lack of trying to figure it out.

Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.
  - Robert Anton Wilson

Well, sounds like the Denny's Boy is going to be a daddy.  Ex g/f is pregnant, apparently they havn't been broken up long.  He's scared.  I had forgotten how scarey it was to be a first time parent.  He's excited too though, excited at the prospect of having a child of his own.  She's 4 1/2 months along.  My first thought........ are you sure it's yours?  He wonders the same thing, but he trys not to think about it.  I told him get a DNA test........ only way to know for sure.  As for me?  I just might run like hell.  LOL

 

Other than that, not much has been going on.  The weather is warmer and the trees are outlined in fresh spring green.  Tulips of every color line the street where I work.  Yellows, pink, purple, red........ a rainbown of sweet smelling pretties.  The sun is comin up earlier too, which helps to wake up on the morning bus.  The birds are chirping at the bus stop which makes me feel a little like Snow White in the forest.  It really helps to get my head straight for the day.

 

Things to do?  Start making dinner again.

Yesterday had to be the worst day in a long time.  Everything went wrong.  From not being able to type out a simple letter to some dude screaming at me because of my piece of shit car.  It seemed like there was no end in site.  When I got home the kids were really antsy.  Spring fever was setting in.  The Denny's boy went to hit boxing deal last night, so I didn't get to see him.  I put the kids to bed about a 1/2 an hour early, and went rummaging for my bottle of whikey.

 

Finally, the weather is nice again.  I poured myself a glass of diet coke and tipped the bottle.  Three long swallows and then chased it with the Diet Coke.  Poured the whiskey into the soda, grabbed the broom and made my way to the back stoop.  It was quiet no one was there.  It was really peaceful.  As I sat there, I realized how much I've gained in the past 10 years.  At 20 I was living in a homeless shelter with Toadman as an infant.  I thought about how far I had come and how much farther I needed to go.  I got up at some point and started to broom off the stoop.  Sweeping off the winter yuck and wondering if I could get the kids to come and scrub off the stains and such.  I picked up the trash and put it into a Walmart sack that I found floating around. 

 

The more I drank the more things seemed to be clear.  I know that I can do this, be a grown-up that is.  However, next time, I won't drink so much.  Today I have the taste of whiskey in my mouth, and a slight hang over, but I'll survive.  I've missed my stoop, I'm thrilled at the weather changes.  It's about time for the sunshine and warmth.

This morning started out to be a pretty decent morning.  The kids got up and got dressed just fine, very little problems.  We all got into the "smoking bandit", better known as my car.  I took the boys to daycare and I drove the 6 blocks to Tude's daycare.  As I sat there getting my bag and unbuckling Tude from her car seat, a guy in a Suburban drives up behind me.  apparently, he had followed me from the school where I had dropped off the boys.  He was none to happy with me. 

 

Sub-man: Is all that smoke coming from your car?

Me:  Yes, I'm sorry, I have to take the kids to daycare then I take the bus to work.  I have to do what I have to do.

Sub-man: I almost wrecked my truck because of you

Me:  Look this is really humiliating, and I am going to go

Sub-man:  You're a fucking bitch, where do you get off talkin to me like that

Me:  I have my daughter with me, and you're scaring me

Sub-man:  I'll call the police I see you driving that smoke stack again

Me:  You do that

 

 

at that point I walked into the daycare with Tude still in my arms.  I was shaking and Tude was scared.  I eased her fears and then walked out the door to the bus stop.  I was really really upset, crying and that was making me feel even more foolish.  I'm trying so hard and I'm doing the best I can for some asshole to get all pissy with me.  He doesn't know me, and he may have just been having a bad morning.  Whatever the reason, it just reminds me, I'm not rich and fancy, I'm no one really wonderful who has their life together.  I'm just barely holding on, just like millions of other people.  It shouldn't bother me, but it does.  I try not to care what others think, but it's still hurtful to be yelled at my a stranger.  I couldn't think of much to say then, but now I've got a million things I want to say to him.  Most of them starting with the letter F and ending in the letter K, second word is You!  Sometimes, I hate people.

 

Must be nice to be rich and fancy and have a nice car.  Some of us have to make do, and right now some of us are eating chocolate right now, sucking down milk.  Somedays, you just want to crawl back in bed.

Women and Restrooms

 

Why it takes so long for a woman to use the restroom, well here is what happens:

 

When you have to visit a public bathroom,

you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.

Every stall is occupied.

 

Finally, a door opens and you dash in,

nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch.

It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

 

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,

but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,

(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!),

yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it,

so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,

"Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.

(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).

That would have to do.

You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.

It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,

and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door,

dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor,

Lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because.....

YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,

because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,

"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes,

propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water

that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser

for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,

so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.

(Where was that when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,

"Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms. rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This morning was just a normal moring.  Kids got up in time and I had plenty of time to get ready for work.  Took a long hot shower, boiled off a layer of skin, leaving it red and pulsating.  Lotioned up and leaned out the door to make sure the kids were up and motivating.  I took a little longer than what I should have, but the kids are getting really good at getting themselves ready in the morning.

 

When I leaned out the door, Tude sprinted by in her panties and little white sleep shirt.  Bug was up trying to make a bowl of cereal (with OJ and cereal in a bowl.... uhg) and Toad was chasing Tude with a comb trying to brush out her tangles.  I got dressed and walked out of the bathroom to find Toad standing there waiting his turn.  The first thing Toad did was give me a huge hug.  I had apparently smeared my lip stick, so he licked his thumb and then rubbed it off my face.  Such a little man.  He said to me :Mommy you don't need make-up, you;re just beautiful.  Made me feel great let me tell ya.

 

So I got the boys to their new daycare, and then Tude and I started off toward her daycare.  I dropped her off,and I sat down to wait for the bus.  The Denny's Boy called me on the way.  Apparently, he was thinking about me.  Told me to have a great day, and that he'd see me tonight.  I was really excited to hear from him.  Excited? Ok kinda school girlish I suppose.  Its nice to have someone who calls just cause they miss me, or they are thinking of me.  Hell, just to say they seen a beautiful sunset.  I had forgotten how nice it is to be wanted.  I have to admit, it's flattering.

 

The bus was right on time, and i made it to work in enough time for a before work smoke break.  It's raining outside, and I remembered my umbrella.  The boss is out for the rest of the week, so there isn't the constant push going on either.  Life is lookin pretty good.  I cant wait for the weekend.

 

 

Today I was talking to SBG on the phone.  I don't get to talk to her much lately, and I miss her alot.  We did do lunch last week which was great!  Was awesome to see her again.  Sence Denny's boy AND SBG both live in the same town, perhaps I'll go visiting this weekend while I don't have the kids.  So I was telling her all about my new job, and all the responcibilities.  Here are some little tidbits about my job that I'm finding out about.

 

Last night, I was talkin to the Denny's Boy on the phone.  We seem to be talking alot, I think he likes me, and he's very interesting himself.  Its nice to know that it's ok to not jump into anything, and after the whole Zero ordeal, I don't know if I'll want anything serious in a long long time.  Anyways-- we were talking about working on cars actually.  He's been working on his truck, wheel bearing is going out.  All of a sudden he got really quiet and then he said this:

 

 

 

Denny's Boy: Did you see the sunset?

 

Me: No, I didn't tonight, busy night.  Did you?

 

Denny's Boy: Yes it was amazing (yes I cringed when he said "amazing")

 

Me: Was it? I really like sunsets.

 

Denny's Boy: Yes, was breathtaking.  The sun was setting and that cold front was moving in, huge clouds of wild horses were racing toward the sun.  What are they wall clouds? 

 

Me: That sounds really neat.  Do you write?  That was a great way to discribe a sunset.

 

Denny's Boy: No, I never put it down on paper, it's all in my head.  But I missed you and the sunset reminded me of you.

 

Me: It did?

 

Denny's Boy: Yeah, the first night I seen you the sun was setting behind you, and the sun made it look like your hair was glowing, it was mezmerizing.  You were lost in the moment, and didn't realize I was standing right there.

 

Me: So..... um.... well......

 

Denny's Boy:  (laughing at me stammering)

 

 

 

 

I have to admit, The Denny's Boy is alot of fun, and very interesting.  He's had such a hard life, I'm curious to know more about him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boys start a new daycare on Monday, for spring break.  Apparently, there was a mix up with someone at the office, I was told daycare starts at 6am, but it starts at 6:30 instead.  Tude's daycare starts at 6:00am.  Which will put me 10 minutes late for the bus, which means that I will be an hour and 1/2 late for work and not able to work a complete 40 hour work week.  This weekend I'm going to look at cars.  Daycare is going to kick my ass this summer too.  Wonder if I could sell of body parts for money.

 

Side note from management-

Someone is searching my blog by name.  I know that Bit searches for me like that, but who knows, maybe Zero the bald headed butt munch is lookin at my blog.  Eh, I doubt the later part, he didn't care then, then why the hell would he now.  Also, I have been changing a few things around, gettig ready for spring break.  I'm so excited!  Been pulling out all of my spring clothes and the kids spring clothes and then putting everything else away so that we ahve room.  Also my blog has been changing a bit, just in the way that it looks.  The content hasn't changed all that much.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I caught Tude out of the corner of my eye with the saftey pin baggie.  Immeadiate panic, sharp objects, carpet and feet don't make a good combination.  So I chased her down to find out what she was doing at 5:30am with weapons.  She had taken pictures out of a magazine and was pinning them to a canvas bag (it looked like the bag that I use).  Her jeans were her favorite pair, and she had on her favorite shirt with butterflies on it.  She had on her old sandals from last summer, her toes riding at the very top, yep almost that time again.  I brushed her hair and pulled it up into the ordered ponytail.  I have to admit she looked cute.  As we were walking out the door to catch the bus she held my hand and smiled up at me and said "Mommy, I look just like you!". 

 

When we got on the first bus, she started showing me things that she had in her bag, which was a Tude version of mine.  A book, a small strawberry shortcake plate, a bottle of pretend strawberry jam, a neo-pet, a headless naked barbie equipped with brush - you know to brush it's non-existant hair, and a picture of me and her.  We were at the Snake Saturday parade, I'm holding her and we are looking at each other.  I've got this huge sucker stuck in my cheek and she's got her pigtail braids with the green ribbons curling down to her shoulders.  I love that picture.  Zero actually took it.  It made me a little sad for a moment, and then I immeadiatly pushed it out of my head -I'm getting pretty good about that now adays.  Tude held that picture in her hand all the way to daycare. 

 

When we walked in the door for daycare, Tude began showing everyone that picture.  "Look everyone, I look just like my mommy!  See, that's me and thats my mommy".  Have I mentioned that I have the sweetest baby angel in the whole wide world?

 

I know it's been awhile sence I blogged.  To be honest, I havn't known what to blog about.  Life seems to spinning so fast lately, and I don't know how to slow it down.  There seem to be alot of things going on around me, that have alot to do with me, yet I don't really know how to do anything about it, or really care about whats going on,  have enough going on in myown life.  I know that probably sounds unbelievably cryptic, yet there is no other way that I can explain it.  For years, couldn't seem to get a guy to look my way, now it seems like there are several that want to talk to me, yet I have no romantic interest in anyof them.    So instead of writing out something prolific or something witty or colorful, I just want to jot down some words that I heard in the past few days.  I won't put in names, I just don't want to.  Welcome to my rat race.

 

At work we are moving to another wing of the office.  The programs department (where I work) is getting it's own office space!  Yay!  My boss and then her boss are getting their own offices.  I will have the front office desk between the both of them.  Which more than likely means I will end up doin things for both.  So be it.  I hope I get to model the front office.  You know, decorate it and such.  They told me to get some ideas together and pricing.  To see if I can fit it into the budget!  Wow, I'm so shocked!  This job is nothing like I've had before.  I love it though.  There are alot of great things that they do and the Ladies's Aux is a group of older women (but not old) and not a whole lot of BS from what I can see.  I've gotten the evil eye from several of my fellow employees.  Here is the story.

 

My first day of work.  I got off the bus, and walked the 1/2 block to my building.  It was nice outside and I was 20 mintues early.  I lit up a smoke and began to walk around the outside grounds looking at different pieces of art that they had, and different sculputers that they had displayed.  Men and Women of War, surrounded me, and I stood under a huge danging United States Flag.  It seemed stronger that day, like it was giving me that little extra push.  The MIA/POW flag bravely flew beneath it, seeming as an omen.  I flipped out my smoke, then I checked my reflection in the busy city glass, it was almost a mirror it was so reflective.  My hair.... check.  Lipstick.... check.  Bra...... check.  Brushed my teeth.... check.  Got your ass girl?...... dear god I hope so.

 

I walked into the front door through the metal detectors and then into the security gaurds little box.  I signed all of my visitor's badges, and then proceeded to the elevator.  While I was waiting, I stared at myself in the glossy reflection of the highly polished metal.  I looked older than I did five years ago, probably  because I am.  My hair is longer now, and I've lost more weight.  I can almost wear a 14 now!  Yay!  I can wear them, however, I just can't breathe or walk, and heaven forbit I fart.  My earrings matched my shoes and my purse.  I have to admit, I looked damn good.  Professional and ready to take on the world.  I walked in the door and took a right to my desk, that already had a name plate on it that says S_____ R. C_________.

 

I grinned at my boss and I took my seat, thanking her for the name plate, and asking her how her weekend went.  i set down my bag and pulled out pics of the kids that I had brought and then set them on my desk.  Finally, my own desk.  I started unpacking paperclips and binders, rubber bands, and boxes of paper.  It seemed like there was so much to do.  I just couldn't seem to wipe the smile off my face.  The entire time I'm thinking, I'm dancing in the light at the end of the tunnel!  I have finished the first part of the plan.  I have succeeded in something.  For the first time in a long time, I wanted to pick up the phone and call Zero.  As quickly as that thought crossed my mind, it immeadiatly left.  Last thing I need is him making me insecure again, I'm so moving on, anyways.... 

 

I leaned back in my chair and stretched out my legs, I was giddy.  My own chair too!  I spread my hands out over my desk and thought, I have arrived.  I look up to see what everyone elses desk looks like, I had been so zoned out on my own arrival, that I didn't notice all the other girls that were staring at me.  Some of them didn't look too happy.  Come to find out, we sit next to all the temps for their company, and they had all put in for my job, however, I got it.  With no real experience, just a real goal to find a rewarding job.   Things have been pretty smooth so far.  I know it will pass, but I'm so excited to go to work tomarrow.

I've been so proud of myself.  I'm off of all state assistence except for Housing and Medicaid for the kids.  I have to live, and the kids have to go tot he doctor.  I stocked myself over on food, then went off of food stamps right after Thanksgiving.  I kept plenty on the card and the house was full of food.  It's only been the past 2 weeks that I've noticed the food pile almost depleated.  I've been buying milk by the 1/2 gallon on the way home from work everyday.  So I've been having milk till the past week or so.  I havn't said anything, but I've been a little worried.  Money has been so tight that I didn't know exactly where I was going to get the money for groceries.  Even keeping the house in milk has been a drain.  I havn't had to buy food in a long time, and now it's time to go get some, and I honestly didn't have the money for it. 

 

Last night i pulled the last package of meat out of the fridgerator.  Pork steaks, I figured I'd make tenderloins and then make fajitas out of the left overs.  I'd go to the store today and pick up some wraps and maybe another half gallon of milk.  Pay cash and then catch the bus back home!  Yes, I plan for the next day the night before.  LOL.  Anyways, so as I'm thinking this the phone rings.  It's my neighbor upstairs, she's at the store and wants to know if I need anything, that I can give her the money when she gets home, but she has to work late and asked me to watch her three girls for her.  I didn't have a problem with that, and when she came home she brought bread, milk, and a 20 oz of Pepsi!  I was thrilled!  Now I can make grilled cheese one night!  I have 3 sliced of cheese left too!  No sooner did she leave then my friend T________ came over and sat with me while I made dinner.  She asked for something to drink and I told her that there was milk, a 20 oz pepsi, or there was some cold water in the fridge.  She walked over to the fridge and opened it up to get the water.  She asked me what happened.  LOL..... normally out of anyone I've got tons of food.  Always enough for anyone that is hungry, and I'm always more than willing to put something together.  I'm a good cook, and I can make a meal from nothing but meat, vigges, and a little milk and flour.  Anywho, she said that she forgot somthing and came back with a whole grocery sack full of food.  Rice, and a couple cans of tuna and a huge package of bologna.  I was over come.  I couldn't thank her enough and asked her to stay for dinner.  She agreed and started to open another can of veggies for me. 

 

Then there was a knock at the door.  It was my mom!  She said that she was cleaning out her cubbords and figured she'd bring over her 5 extra bags of flour and 3 extra bags of sugar!  She also had 3 or 4 cans of shortening and a huge bag of black beans!  I had to sit down.  This was just all too good to be true.  I really was crying by this time.  My mother so shocked, having no idea why I was a blubbering fool.  Finally my friend T_______ explained everything while I turned the tenderloins and put some butter in the veggies.  I was praying thanking god for looking out for me.  Thinking about Super Chick and her saying all my good Karma was coming back.  I couldn't seem to quit smiling.  I wasn't so alone after all.  I had enough food now to last at least another week!  I begged my mom to stay for dinner and she did.  We all sat down to eat and our daily grace was more thankful in my heart than it had been in a very long time.  As we ate I looked around at my table.  It belonged to my mom originally, but I didn't fit into her new kitchen when she moved.  It's beautiful and sturdy, just what we needed. 

 

As I sat there, watching the kids tell Grandma all about their day, and my mom and my friend telling stories about their own kids, my neighbor upstairs brought down a cake and a loaf of garlic bread!  So they all grabbed a plate and we all sat down to eat now with hot bread and cake for desert!  Wow, this dinner fell right into place.  LOL.  When everyone left, I sat down to smoke a cig and look at the mess.  I went to tuck the kids in bed, and fell asleep. 

 

I woke up about 5:30am and started doing dishes.  Kicking myself in the ass for falling alseep!  As I put the last plate into the dishwasher I smiled.  Knowing that there was enough to make for breakfast.  Rice with sugar and some cinnemon (yes that is spelled wrong i know).  The kids love to eat that.  I got a call about 6:30am from my dad!  He needed help getting one of the trucks home, he needed someone to drive it from the city to his house.  I agreed!  Hell I havn't driven in forever, hope I didn't forget how.  He said he'd be there about 8ish, and I told him not a problem, just had to wait for the boys to get to school.  So I put the boy son the bus, and my dad was right behind the bus waiting for me and Tude.  Us girls jumped in my dad's old blue truck (yes, Lil Bit it still runs) and off we went to the garage to get the other truck, or so I though.  My dad took me to save alot and said that he needed to go grocery shopping too and he had to run over here too.  So he gave me a list and told me to get everything on the list then handed me 100 bucks.  Not a problem, Tude and I flew threw the store, and then went to teh bread store next door.  We spent maybe 30 mintues in the store, the fastest we had ever done that.  We got everything on the list.  I noticed that dad needed things that are basic necessities.  I wished I could help him out with groceries, but I needed them myself.  My heart cracked a little as I tried to push it out of my mind.  I stook there with Tude outside of Save-a-lot, and was slightly thankful that it was still cold outside, none of my dad's milk, cottage cheese, or hamburger and chicken would go bad.  We waited for probably 15 mintues and then seen my dad and old blue pulling up the road.  Old Blue is my dad's pick up, yes he names his cars too.  He helped me to load all his groceries into the truck then he said that the other truck wasn't done yet, but that he would run me back home he had to make it to the office.  I said ok not thinking anything else about it. 

 

On the way home he started spilling the beans.  Last night after my mom got home she called my dad (they've been divorced damn near 30 years now).  They hate each other with a passion, however, they both love me very much.  My mom had caleld my dad telling him that she had brought over some extra stuff for me, knowing I would use them and she woudn't.  That she noticed how short on food I was.  Dad had also said that there was no reason to go hungry.  That he had plenty of food and so did my mother, and that family helps each other out, and that if i'd quit being so stubborn and heard headed and excepted help then he wouldn't have to trick me into going shopping for myself.  I sat there thinking I was in trouble then it hit me.  All that food that I had just got "for my dad" beonged to me!  I was in shock.  I had spent 95 dolalrs and some oddd cents.  He didn't even get a five dollar bill back!  I wanted to cry.  I told my dad that I didn't need ALL that food, and told him repeatedly to take some of it home with him.  Or at least let me give him some money.  I had 30 in my pocket, but it was all the money till I get my paycheck in the mail next week from my last job.  My dad gave me one of his "looks" and I shut up.  if you knew my dad you would understand. 

 

As I carried boxes of groceries up the stairs of my house, Tude ran around my feet munching on a bananna that we had purchased at Save-a-lot.  I was really floating on a cloud.  There was enough food to feed me and the kids for the better part of a month.  5 loaves of bread, 3 gallons of milk, so much meat in the freezer that I had to break it all down into baggies just to fit it all in!  I remembered all of the times I had gotten care packages together, and the meals that I had frozen individually for the elderly woman downstairs, so she could have a healthy meal inthe evening.  The secret santa, where I cleaned out most of my cabinet, in order to give to my dad's g/f's brother and his family.  It made me feel warm inside.  All I could think about was Super Chick again!  My good karma is coming back.

With the job ending on Tuesday at noonish, I am off for 3 and 1/2 work days (5 and 1/2 counting the weekend).  Wow!  Time off!  Whatever shall I do!  I'll tell ya what I do!  I go shopping!

 

I had to meet with my atty to discuss the modification of child support order.  That took about thirty minutes, at 10:00am.  Then I had to be at home at 3:30ish to get the boys off the bus. Tude was at daycare (why not I have to pay for it anyways, she might as well be there).  So after I got out of the atty's office I went to the thrift store across the street, and that's where it began.

 

I've lost about 15 pounds riding the bus again, I'm a little firmer and my clothes are all falling off of me.  A couple of pairs on my good work pants have to rolled down because I belt won't even hold them up (yeah I've gotten creative).  I decided to go to that store because my upstairs neighbor works there, and she can get me a discount.  She have me her discount (which is 25%) and then I had a card for 10 bucks off the entire purchase.  It's one of those little cards that they sign every time you go in and spend a certain amount.  I had filled a 10 dollar card!  It was time for momma to get some new clothes.  I went through every single item in that store.  I tried on so much that they other girl that was working was shooting me dirty looks.  Mrs. K (my neighbor upstairs, the one who watches the kids while I work in the evenings), was giving me thumbs up or down from the register as she was checking people out and i was trying on numerous outfits.  I ended up fitting into a size 12!!!  WoooHoooo!! Kick ass and all kinds of junk!  I also got a killer green sweater, it fits just right and I love the deep green colors.  I got a pair of Khaki pants for work, just perfect.  I also got a couple skirts and an outfit for the Tude.  Did I mention that all my clothes still had tags on them, and Tude's sweater and jeans look like new? With the discount and the card, I ended up paying 1.22.  Can't beat that with a  stick no matter how ya look at it.  In all it took me an hour and a half to go shopping.  My depression was melting away.

 

Then it was on to the dollar store.  I needed toothpaste and cough meds (Tude and I have been fighting off snotty noses and coughs, that time of year again).  When I got in there, I noticed that there was a blue dot sale!  That means that everything is 1/2 off with a blue dot!  I died and went to shopping heaven.  There were boys tennis shoes, Superman, 10 bucks 1/2 off, so they were five.  I got both of the boys brand new tennis shoes.  I was thrilled!  I ended up spending about twenty five bucks.  I also got some ribbon that I've been looking for to finishing sewing into a lace thing I've been making.  Blog about that some other time. 

 

I was still well within my 30 bucks that I had set out to destroy.  Burn it, time to go shopping.   I looked across the street and what did I see?  A new Churches chicken had opened up across the street.  99 cent lunch special for the grand opening!  Score!!  So I went in and tore up 2 thighs and a leg.  Did I mention the free beverage that came with the meal? 

 

By the time I caught the bus home, I was full, shopped out,and sore from walking so much.  I sat on the bus talkin to Sam, my favorite gay bus driver.  I'm sure some of you remember my past blogs on Smilin's site.  He's my bus driver of all bus drivers.  He calls me his silly white girl, and I call him my brightest flamer.  He was telling me about his new dog, and I was telling him about my new job.  He was so happy.  He told me that if I played my cards right that I could move out of Engle-hood.  I agreed and told him, I'd rather make house payments than rent.  He said it sounded like I had a plan and I agreed.  I do have a plan. 

 

It was great to have the afternoon off.  I havn't had much time to do anything other than get stuff taken care of.  Phone calls, meetings with schools and atty's.  Time for me to get busy again, but I wanted to leave you with this.  Life is getting better and better.  Six monthes ago, I wondered how in the world I was going to do this.  Last May I thought the world ended.  Today as I sit here, I'm proud of what I've done, and I'm proud of where I'm going.  I have a good future and a good head on my shoulders.  I can't wait till tomarrow.