...... it's coming up soon

 

I've been with the OX for a year now.  I started accruing vacation time when I had been there 6 months.  I'm about to cash some of it in.  To be honest, I'm pretty excited.  I've been invited to the Beatrice Auxiliary to speak about some of the programs that we offer, and they need some education in.  I think we'll probably go.  I'll take the kids with me, and then we'll head to Nebraska.  Been awhile sence I've been there.  The meeting is scheduled for mid-afternoon.  That gives me and the kids plenty of time to go to do some sight seeing.  The meeting will last for a couple hours, then the meet and greet afterwards will take a couple hours.  Figured we'd head up on a Friday night and thn do the meeting on Saturday.  I'm going to take the entire next week off for vacation though.  I'm thinking about taking the kids to Mt. Rushmore.  I've never seen it, and we are going North anyways.  I get the government hotel discount, and rental car discount.  All in all I'm lookin at spending about 700.00.  We've been saving change and cutting corners.  Finally have enough to do something with.  Figured between the car rental prorate and the hotel prorate, I shoudl have enough for gas if we take food with us. I can't wait to go.  Just me and the kids, on an adventure.  Seems like forever sence we've had an adventure.  Maybe we'll go to Colorado instead.  Kids have never seen mountains.  Wouldn't it be wonderful for them to wake up and look outside and see snow capped mountains?  They would freak out!

 

On the flip side of that, I thought about maybe headed East after my OX meeting.  Straight across Iowa into Illinois and then down into Chicago.  I'm not sure the kids would enjoy Chicago that much, but I know that I would.  There are so many wonderful things to see!  Even if we just drove across a couple states and then home without stopping much, it would still be a ton of fun.  When I was a kid we drove to Oregon and back a few times.  We won't be able to go that far though.  We can go about 2 states away, and still have a good time.  We need to stay north, dont want to go the opposit direction after the meeting, that wouldn't do anyone any good.  There is always St. Louis I suppose!  I'd rather get out of Missouri though. 

 

I just had a thought though.  My cell phone won't work that far out.  I only get service in the KC area.  I'd have to wide my coverage for the month, thats an extra cost.  Hell, I just want to take the kids someplace cool, whats the harm in that!  Idea!!!  I'll borrow a cell phone from my dad!  They have 3, surely I can borrow one of them.  Vacation is looking better and better all the time.

 

.... not to bad I suppose, it could be alot worse

 

 

...... I really didn't realize how busy we have been

 

 

I was reading through some old blogs today.  From last May actually.  I had been so caught up in day to day activities that I had forgotten to look back and see how far we'd come!  Which is the total point of this blog!   Things are going so much better from the time that they were last year about this time.  The kids have come so very far, and I feel like I have a much better grasp on life.  I look back and it seems like yesterday that those things were happening.  Tude doesn't even talk about what happened anymore.  She is a normal 6 year old girl.  She laughs and does little dances that she makes up.  One year, with therapy, and lots of love.  Tude is a normal little girl again.  In fact right now, she's in her room throwing everything out of her closet AND her dresser, looking for the perfect outfit.  Her friend Cookie is taking her bowling!  Tude is going to meet two of Cookies new friends at Cookies new school.  Tude and Cookie used to go to Daycare together.  Cookies mom and I have stayed in contact.  Her mom is nice, she's a cop, and someone good to have on your side.  Anyways, I digress ocassionally.  Tude is trying on every skirt, every shirt, ever pair of tights with her million pairs of shoes.  (I have no idea where she gets it from).  She is trying "new" styles and coming in and showing me in a very chic way.  Run way style modeling.  LOL.  Picture, Tude with a short blonde bob of hair.  In Bratz dress up shoes, gold with glitter.  White tights with pink and green roses.  A sundress that she has worn for 2 years and it's still two sizes too big.  It's faded and seen much better days.  She won't get rid of it.  A pink warm hoodie, that I got from a garage sale, but it was too cute, last year.  The hoodie is over the top of the sundress.  One sleeve is pushed up with she's putting on a small print cheetah type plastic bracelet on her little wrist.  She had two hair pretties in, one is green one is pink.  I walked up to her and tried to think of something creative to say about her attire.  But the words escaped me.  She took one look at my face and walked away from me, "nope" she mummbled under her breath and she went back to her room.  She shut her door and I could hear her grabbing clothes from the aray of places she has thrown them around the room.  She has friends that she talks on the phone too.  Her best friend is a twin, so the three of them get on the phone and it's a giggling screaming wonderful ear piercing little-girl-party-like-crazy fest.  LOL.  We still aren't doing sleep overs.  I'm not sure that Iwill ever allow those.  I had pushed all those bad thoughts out of my head and just focused on getting everythig going and running smoothly.  I was so busy getting everything accomplished that Tude had slowly gotten betty right before my eyes.  She actually ran up to me at daycare the other day and covered my whole face with kisses.  I forget what she was excited about, but it was the first time she had kissed me in a very long time.  Hugs seemed to return pretty quickly.  I never made a big deal out of it either.  I tried to not talk about it.  However, when she wanted to talk about it, the whole world stop and I listened to her with a lump in my throat and a pit of bitter hate in my gut.  Not at her, never at her.  But at him.  Anyways, enough about that.  The point is that Tude is such a little girl. 

DoodleBug (however, he would like the be called BUG from now on out) still has a  very occassional fit.  He has learned alot of very good coping skills for his anger.  He is more willing to talk now, instead of bottling up inside all of his anger.  He also realizes that he is a good person, and that people do love him.  Which, is why he was getting so angery.  Somewhere along the way, he thought that I didn't love him anymore.  Thats fixed now, and his attitude is much better.  Toad has really been shaping up to be a man.  He's 11 now.  He's old enough tostay at home this summer.  The daycare and the therapist and I have been working on a system that we think will work well for him.  1/2 days starting  in the beginning of summer.  Starting at once a week and progressivly working up to every day with very few problems.  From there, then full days at home while I'm at work.  Starting with one day a week and progressivly working up to staying at home alone.  I'm really worried.  Not that he's  going to do something crazy and unToad like, but because that means that he's growing up.  Next year he'll be in middle school.  In some schools, Toad would already be in Middle School.  I remember Middle School, that was a really rough time.  In a couple years he'll be a teenager.  Right now he's a tween.  Bought him new shoes a few weeks ago.  The boy is wearing a size 5.  I wear a size 8!  I wonder when he'll start growing.  He's almost in a 10/12.  He's still one of the shortest in his class.  He's starting to get more solid.  Not chunky by any means, not even hefty.  He's starting to kinda look akward.  His head looks normal, he is correctly proportioned as far as arms and legs go.  His looks are changing.  His hair is starting to darken up.  Its more of a light brown now.  He likes to have it cut a certain way.  I don't know if I can put into words what changes he is going through.  But he's going through them.  He's doing very very well.  He bought a girl a VD present.  I've had the talk with him.  He was humiliated all the way through it.  And I stumbled a couple times.  I'm sure that we will have more talks.  Probably about more things.  I didn't bring up sex, just body changes.  LOL, all in due time. 

 

Anyways, just an update on the sprouts.  They are growing and changing in so many ways, that sometimes I think that I'm missing them growing up.  They seem to be doing it in their sleep.  You can really tell how much they've grown when they get a hair cut.  Tude's hair cut really made her look like a big girl.  I'm proud of them, hey why not!  They are the best kids in the world!

 

 

 

Last couple days, I got a message on MySpace from a guy that I met at church camp when I was 12-14.  We wrote letters back and forth for a long time, almost a year of back and forth communication.  During that time, the pre-teen years, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere, and he didn't feel like he belonged either.  It was kinda cool to talk to him again.  This guy was even before Lil Bit, so this was a LIFETIME ago.  It was what he said in my letter.  That I had made a difference in his life.  That he remembered me, and that I was not forgotten.  That made me feel pretty good actually.  My self esteem really isn't the best (as we all know).  But it's getting better. 

 

See this boy made a difference to me too.  I was so secluded as a child and in an abusive household, that I didn't even think for a second that there were other people out there that felt the same things that I did.  I was shocked to find out that people actually talked to each other in an intimate way (when your 12 come on) to let others know how you feel.  It was my wake up call that maybe all was NOT right at home.  It was a time in my life, where I started to make my own choices about how I wanted to live.  It also started to shape the type of men that I would met and find later in life. 

 

Regardless, it was good to hear from an old friend.  One that i had thought about over the years, but just never looked for.  Funny, he was lookin for me!  Nice to know that people think of me from time to time.  Sometimes I get caught up in teh daily grind of mommy and machine that I really lose track of how people react and act toward me.  I tend to block everyone else out of everything thats going on with my life.  This blog is the most that I put out there.  I don't trust alot of people, and I've been hurt badly enough, enough times to learn to shut people out.  I've become really good at it.  Sometimes I wonder how good.

.... with not much to say.

 

Well all of the birthday parties are done till October.  We had a grand time, kids played and ate and played some more.  There was a massive gift giving and then some cranky over tired kids.  It's all bound to happen I suppose.  The kids really did have a great birthday.  A few people even got gifts for Bug.  He's odd man out in February.  Would you believe Toad was the man with a whopping 70 bucks?  Wow!  He's struttin his stuff let me tell ya.  Big man that he is.  I forced him to buy himself some new sneakers.  He's almost in the same size that I am.  He's 11.  Sheesh, what happened to my baby!!!  He's growing up so fast!  He has a little gal that he has a crush on, that shameless hussy :(  Just joking she's a nice little gal, and comes from a good family.  Besides he's only 11.  Sheltered, whiney, and sometimes a bully yes, but my baby none the less.  He's growing into a small man.  I'm so proud of him.

 

Other than that, things here are pretty much the same.  Car still down so we are on the bus again (or still depending on how you look at it).  Things other than that are going well.  Work is really kicking my butt.  I'm disappointed in my boss, but I'm even more disappointed in myself.  My boss can be OCD to say the least.  Now with that said, she knows her stuff inside and out.  She knows almost everything about every program that we run.  I've been really trying let all her hateful comments slide.  It would be different if she would just look outside the box to other people's point of view, but that will never happen.  She's too old to change I think.  She is trapped (in her head) in a different age.  The world is still spinning, but she hasn't jumped on the bandwagon.  I don't think she will.  It's been too many years of thinking of the same thing.  The latest thing that she said was "Oh S_____, I forgot to tell you!  I was watching a dog show last night and seen a dog that reminded me of you!  You should have seen the mane of hair on this pooch!"  Then she laughed and looked at me like I was a retard because I wasn't laughing.  I looked her dead in the eye and just shook my head, and said to her "do you realize that you just compared me to a dog?".  At that point the BIG boss walked in the door and the topic of conversation changed.  There are so many times I would like to ask her "isn't there a nursing home somewhere looking for you?" or maybe "you don't have to be such a hard ass".  She tends to think that the whole world is trying to get one by on her.  She doesn't have any trust.  Any trust she had in her employees was lost when Beth was caught stealing from the company.  I know that she appreciates all of the things that I do and that the other girl (who was supposed to be my secretary but turns out is supposed to be an equal to me..... another story for another day) does.  Anyways, other than that work is going great.  I still love it and still look forward to going to work everyday.  I still take work home, just to get it done, I'm proud of what I do, I help others and make others feel like what THEY are doing is worth while.  Thats what makes the difference in a job and a great job.

Kids are doing well, work is doing well.  I did spend the best 15 bucks ever.  Actually less than 15 but i'll say 15.  I bought a VGA cable to hook my computer up to my TV.  Needless to say, I am typing on my tv screen from my wireless keyboard.  It's pretty cool to say the least.  Now I can watch Porn in big style!  (just joking.... or am i?  giggles). 

Anyways, hope all is well with everyone else. :)

gives me that small window of time, to expirience life..........

 

 

 

The sun is coming up earlier in the mornings now.  On the bus ride into the city, it's playing hide and seek through the downtown jungle.  Glinting in windows and then hiding behind convention centers and towering office buildings.  I can take alot of different buses to get to work, and they drop off a lot of different places.  I can walk pretty much anywhere I want to.  Sometimes, I'll walk alot then other times I perfer to walk.  When I've been walking, I try to make it a day where it's not blistering cold is 5 inches of snow on the ground.  But the warm winter days are in the lower 40s and perfect for walking.  The joggers equipped with headphone and ear warmers, and the people walking their dogs, thugs with their clothes billowing in the windhustling for money, and the older woman with the very thin skin and the brown shes and matching hat who walks to mass every day.  There are so many diverse people in the city.  I wonder how we can all live so closely together, yet share very little with our neighbors, how can we not broaden our own horizons to learn something new about culture.  Something maybe that would make us more tolerant and patient with our fellow man.  It's a whole different life in the "city".  There is downtown KC where business thrives and parties are thrown and conventions are held.  Where huge museums put on terrific whos and where the the jazz and the BBQ runs like wine.  If you take a side street, you may be holding in traffic for awhile.  While KC has TONS of highways, it's where most of the traffic occurs, however, on the side streets in downtown proper, it's different.  There is more foot traffic, more things going on a slower scale per say. 

When you're walking, you have the ability to stop or greatly slow down, in compairison to driving.  I've gotten to wear if I wear a hoodie and no descript clothing then I can fit into a small niche and basically appear invisible.  Last thing I want to do sometimes is to draw attention to myself.  There are also dangers in the city ya know, but I can watch people.  There is alot of times that I see the same people over and over again.  The same black man with the same umbrella tucked under his arm, his hand swinging back and forth as he walks, a news paper gripped tightly in his hand.  Or the woman that I pass and she's always reading a book.  Her head downcast slightly, headphones on, oblivious to the world passing around her.  She's in a perfectly happy content little world that she has made for herself. 

There is alot to experience, and there is even more the ingest.  Sometimes, I come away from the city feeling like a cat on the prowl, and sometimes I come home feeling that I have beat my way through a jungle.  I always look forward to my next trip, and I always look forward to what I see.

...... things are looking up

 

I knew they had to sooner or later.  When I'm feeling down I really try to remember that.  Thanks Dont, PreggyChick, and SuperChick.  I really was feeling the "winter blues" I suppose.  It always helps when your income tax comes in.  Most of it is going to pay for my atty.  I was going to try to buy a car, but I need to pay my atty more.  I'm still getting back and forth to work and the kids and I have our routine down to a science at this point.  So we are still pushing through.  I did keep out 500.00 though.  Enough to have the kids birthday party and catch up on bills.  I just wanted to have some money to do something nice with the kids.  Well I had some coupons for NorthernLights pizza.  I have to admit, I'm not really crazy about pizza.  However, I have found that they make a handtossed pizza thats yummy.  It's called a Scooby Snack.  Crust on both sides of the pizza, so that the "filling" is toppings of the pizza.  I have found that bacon, onion, and cheeder taste really good on a pizza!  I can eat about 3 pieces of it!  It's cut into strips so it's prolly about three strips is two pieces of pizza. 

 

Needless to say, by the time I was done, I was fat and happy!  Kids and I kicked back on the couch watching TV.  I swear if I have to watch ben10 again, I will test fate and run through the house with sharpened pencils.  When I tell the kids that, they double over with laughter.  Toad's birthday is Friday, and Tude's was the Friday before last.  We are having their party next weekend.   Twice a year birthday partys.  I tend to over do it on their birthdays.  I always have.  I go all out on making their cakes.  I seriously put alot of effort into it.  Sometimes, it has taken me 2 or 3 days to make a cake.  We usually have them at the house, but no one likes coming to my house.  To be honest, I hate having people come over too.  They always bring in bad chi, I don't care who they are.  I prefer no visitors.

 

Anyways, so big plans are coming up for their party.  I will be doing this on the bus, but I think with some careful planning?  I think that we can do this just fine.  Now if I can figure out a way for Toad to find 3 friends to bring to the party.  The kid doesn't really overfloweth on friends.  He's a bright kid, he just is very anti-social.  Regardless, I can think of 2 other boys his age, and their mother's would bring them.  Now I'm left trying to think of the "make-up" kid.  I know!  Maybe Jan's grandson at work!  Jan (Not her real name) has a grandson that will be going to school with Josh next year.  All the 6th graders go to the same school, then they split out for Jr. High and then HighSchool.  Tude will have to make the choice to bring 3 friends.  I don't know hows she's going to choose.  The little social buttter fly that she is. 

 

Well, I brought work home, again.  I should start doing it.  Stay safe, smile about everything.

Ok, this is going to sound a little strange.  Above is a picture of a family that was named family of the year 2005-2006.  The woman above is my adopted mother.  Yes she looks nice and sweet, she's not.  In my eye, she's a cold, mentally abusive, manipulative witch.  Beside her is her new husband, I hear that he is very nice.  I didn't realize how old he was.  However much I can't stand their mother, those two girls are the cutest things I've seen (next to my kids).  These two little girls are my sisters.  Their mother adopted me when I was 11.  Therefore that makes the two girls my 1/2 sisters.  The older one looks alot like my sister RiRi.  With all that blonde hair.  I can see her dad in her too though.  The younger girl is like looking back in time at my middle sister.  Wow, the resembelence is uncanny.  I'm glad that Evil StepMother finally did something right.  Looks like the older girl is very much involved with the community and so is the younger girl.  Maybe finally their mother finally figured out what it was all about.  The two girls don't know anything about me.  I doubt they know that I exist.  They will some day.  After all, RiRi's mother didn't even meet RiRi's husband till RiRi was about to deliver the baby!  I don't think that anyone ever met my middle sister's ex-husband.  Looking at those two girls though, makes my heart ache.  What I wouldn't give to be a big sister again.

..........and man was I ready for one.

 

A huge batch of terrible weather has ripped through the mid-west.  Tornados to my south.  31 was the last body count that I heard.  Tornados swept through much of the lower midwest causing billions of dollars of damage.  There is also a natural gas explosion that is due to damage of the tornado.  There is an unknown number of deaths related to that incident. 

 

Closer to me, we are under almost 6 inches of snow.  Where a co-worker lives, she has almost a foot.  I have been up sence about 3:30 this morning on the phone with my dad and step mom.  Dad still made the drive into work today.  Took him almost 3 hours.  Normally it would have taken him about 45 minutes.  I was really worried.  There was a 15 car pile up, including one MAST ambulance.  My dad had to drive right through it.  I do believe that it closed that road down for about 1/2 an hour.  From where I live, there are 7 different major highways within a 10 mile radius of my house.  Sence 2am there have been sirens going off and on.  From what I understand the highway department has shut down the 150 North Oak intesection.  Which is a big intersection just north of me. 

 

Needless to say, there is a snow day at my house.  The kids are out of school, and I am off of work.  Everyone is off of work though.  I did bring home a few documents to work on, on my thumbdrive.  It was a nifty little Christmas present from my dad and step mom.  I can bring down big files now into my thumb drive and then take them home up and then upload them to my computer!  Now I can work in peace in quiet after the kids go to bed :)  Right now the kids are playing in the snow.  I believe that we are the only people that get up before 10 am here.  I never see anyone while going to work.  I never see anyone waiting at the bus stop first thing in the morning.   I know that other people that live here, have to work somewhere.  Maybe not even a handful, but maybe there has got to be at least one more person trying make make a better life for theirselves. 

 

Did I mention that the kids are playing in the snow? Right now there are making snow people.... however with a stick one of them has drawn a house around each person.  Bug's snow angel looks like it is in a cage.  Tude is holding the stick.  I'm going to go out there make sure everything is ok.  Tude seems to be a femme fatale lately.

..... but I think I'm holding it together.

 

The past few weeks, I've felt the depression setting in.  I wonder if it's one of those things that you go through, and then in the end, you become a stronger person.  I dont know how much stronger I can be, let's hope I can take a break from getting tested for awhile.  I know it's not happening now, but maybe soon.  It leave me waiting alot.  I've been doing alot of thinking lately.  Mainly about life.  I know that the custody battle is in the bag.  There is no way that he is going to get custody of the kids.  He will probably have his child support lowered, but it's not like I get it anyways.  I will never get it.  I've just accepted that fact and moved on with life.  Sometimes though, I get really tired of the constant battle.  I really do try to make the best of the situation.  I always have a back up plan.  Car breaks down i've got the bus.  One of the kids get sick at school and I try to have someone else that can pick her/ him up.  I can work my budget to compensate and allow for emergencies.  I feel like I'm missing something.  I wonder if I'm lonely.  My self-esteem is down.  I'm doing the whole fake till i make it thing.  I wonder how much longer I can keep up appearences.  I've got so much on my plate that it's hard for me to prioritize.  It was nice to have a couple das away from the kids though.  I worked alot while they were gone.  I put in 11 hours on Friday and then 8 hours straight on Saturday.  Then i went down to dad's to get the kids.  I was a tired girl.  I fell asleep on the couch with the kids, and forgot that it was GA's birthday.  I feel crummy about that.  I really really do.  She's been so good to me, and I completely forgot.  With Tude being in and out of the ER, I had a kidney stone, the bronco blew a rod.  Work is really hammering me, my boss is very demanding and she's rude and sometimes I really don't know why i like her.  As long as i can keep the conversation about her, and never stand up for myself when she gets rude with me, then I'm just fine.  I get tired of the constant attitude.  I am a fairly upbeat person.  Yes, things are stressful right now, but I'm constantly doing different things.  It's alot of different programs that I run.  From scholarships to JR Girls units.  Thanksfully, there is another girl in my deparment that does all  of the hospital VAVS stuff.  All o f the volunteers and the hospital service activites.  She does a great job too.  I never have to worry about doing all of her work or even part of it.  She doesn't know much about my job either, and thats fine wtih me.  I don't want anyone else who can do my job.  Job security ya know.  I have to watch her though, she'll cut me in the back fast.  There is also the fact that we are back on the bus again.  It was really nice having a car.  Able to go to the grocery store when I needed to, or just go get a pack of smokes if I run out. 

I know that my story is that of a million other single moms.  The ones who really give all they are and all they have.  Ones that do it because its just the way it is.  You keep going, and every night when you finally hit the bed, you are still planning out the next day and reminding yourself of that one last thing that you need to do, and you force yourself back up out of bed (sometimes) to go do it, it's only a few more mintues after all ( yeah, right).  Sometimes it's really hard.  I've always heard that the hardest job in the world is being a mom.  I think the hardest thing in the world is being a single parent.  However, with kids like mine?  They make it worth while.  After all, how often are you going to see a Doodle-Bug reigned up like a horse?