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February 26 Last blog entry from work
Last blog entry from work
I just finished packing up my desk, in order to move onto my new job. Getting together scraps of papers and notes that I took while in other departments. Trying to get everything in case the company decides they want all the notes and information that I've gathered about my job. In the stack are some words from Dove:
My pringles can that was my pencil holder has been emptied and my desk has all the personal items removed. I'm gonna miss this place, however, I'm lookin forward to a new job. They Day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you!
They Day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you!
Last night was a bad Zero night. Actually it started about 5pm. Now that our birds are gone we are in the market for a new pet. I thought about getting more birds, but I don't want new ones. I really loved my birds. All of them. I miss their meeping already. Doodle asked me if we could get a cat. I thought about it, no reason we can't get one now.
Tude: What about Mojo and B___ (zero) Toad: Who cares, B____ never sees us Doodle: Can we get a cat? Tude: B___ will be back, I love him Toad: Shut up Tude Tude: You shut up, Mom can I call B____ Me: No you can't, and no he can't call you Tude: I miss B____ Doodle: I miss B____ too Toad: Mom, why doesn't he come over anymore again? Me: He wanted different things than what we do, now can we change the subject?
Doodle: I miss B_____ (crying crocidile) Toad: I don't care if he never comes back (looking out the window) Me: I need a drink
After this calmed down I went to my room and layed on my bed for a bit. I let a few tears fall, the first ones sence he told me he just couldn't give me what I wanted (like a straight answer) Sometimes I think I'm beginnig to hate certain things about the past. I really should have never introduced him to my kids. It was great at first, Toad loved him and really needed him. Now that it's over, I see how much he strung us along and it makes me feel better. Knowing that I'm better off alone, than with someone who constantly left me in the dark about how he felt or if we'd get to see him soon, or basically anything. Days like that make me glad that we don't talk anymore. Days like that piss me off, days like that make me want to punch him in the nose. February 25 Bye Bye BirdiesWell, I noticed all my birds were dead this morning. All 6 of them. Four laying on the floor of the cage and two in their nests. All six of them wiped out. I have to admit, I was very very upset. I had hand fed two of them from birth. Belle was just now getting comfortable sitting in my hand with me bribing her with food. All my hard work down the drain. My poor little darlings. I thought maybe there was a carbon monoxcide leak in the apartment and after Tude's espisode last night, I called 911.
The firemen and the abulance showed up. They ran scans on my apartment and everything was ok. They did tell me to run the fan while I was cooking. They asked me about my neighbors. Asking how well I knew them. Finally, I figured it out. They thought there was a mini methlab within our building within the last 12 hours. I almost freaked out. I really need to move out of here. I plan on calling HUD tomarrow AND sending a letter to the owner of the property. 3amI ended up passing out last night about 10pm. Late for me, yes I know, but it was Saturday night after all. I fell asleep on the couch, surrounded my chineese containers and forks. Thinking to myself, I should really get up and put those in the trash, or I will beat myself in the morning for it. However, my eyes slipped shut, and I was off to slumber before I knew what was happening. Stretched out on the couch, with the window slightly open, the cold air blowing across my bare feet.
In the middle of my slumber, I was dreaming that I was running. Someone was in this house, and I was stuck it in. I hate those dreams. You know, the ones where you're running around trying to escape the unforseen danger, and then you open the door to the outside of the house, thinking you are going to escape, and then you're right back where you started. Only now, the danger is closer and the impeeding doom is overwhelming. I sat straight up onthe couch and for a second wondered where I was. Oh yeah, I was on the couch. I was twisted up int he blanket, and for some reason I got turned around on the couch. I went to stand up and knocked my pillow to the floor and unraveled my feet from the blanket. The wind was blowing in pretty cold from the window, and I must have wiggled out of my jeans in my sleep. Needless to say, I was freezing my ass off AND I had to pee. Those 2 combinations are never good. So I stand there between the coffee table and the couch doing the hurried shuffle when I hear it.
All us parents know the one. The one that is so deep in the chest that it sounds like a seal barking instead of your precious child erupting with it. Normally, Toadman is the one with the terrible cough, but this year, not so much! He's actually doing pretty well with it. What scared me, is that it was Tude with the barky cough. She never gets sick, ever. When she does, it's usually a vomitting mess for about 2 days then it's over. Never, have I heard her bark like that. It threw me into even more of a panic, getting pissy because I'm still tangled up in the damn blanket! I was started to get pissy, and gave my foot an extra hard jerk. Finally, I had pulled it free! I jerked my other foot up, trying the same trick and it off balenced me. Throwing me the to left and across the coffee table. Yes, still food of take out boxes, from wherethe kids and I had treated ourselves to dinner out. One hand in lo mein and the other in general chicken foot. I cursed under my breath and went to stand up. Again my feet trapped in the blanket and sent me careening face first into the said lo'mein and near by hot and sour soup. I was cussing outloud now. Furious, trying to get free of the hellish carried over dream and of my own items that we waging war against me! I heard Tude in the back of the house, crying now, the cough getting more persistant. I slid off the table, and crawled over the blanket. Feeling liek a sloppy mess and grabbing a used bath towel off the floor to wipe off the old nasty chineese food as it stuck to my face, hair, and hands.
I made it to Tude's room, and again, tripped over all her things that she keeps covering the floor of her bedroom. Nothing ever gets put away. Some I waded through a sea of barbies and my little ponies. She was sitting up in bed now. Her quilt thrown to the floor and her hands around her throat, trying to breathe. I run across the last sharp remaining objects, not really feeling much of it, terrified, Tude has quit breatheing. This isn't uncommen for her, but scarey every single time. The light is still off, and in the dark I can only see by the street light on the next building over. I can see her body going limp, and I immeadiatly stand her up on the bed. Reaction, just as fast as I can get her vertical with her hands above her head. Someone not knowing what I was doing would think I was trying to stretchher out! What I'm doing is opening her up to air flow. It works for her. Tude has a breathing disorder, and if I can't get her breathing, then she can go into a seizure. She's done it a ton of times. One time I had to give her CPR, it was terrifying let me tell ya. She hasn't done this in a long time. Well for the past 6 months or so I guess. After a second of standing stiff as a board she went limp in my arms. I immeadiatly layed her down on her bed, and knew I had about 2 seconds before she started rolling around. I looked at the dimly lit floor and knew I couldn't put her on that she'd hurt herself. So I left her on the sheet and threw off the blankets and pillows giving her plenty of room if she needed it. Then I stood there waiting. I counted to five and nothing happened. I was watching her chest rise and fall, she was breathing deeply now. I tried to wake her gently, needing to see her eyes open, and nothing happend. I picked her up and put her on my lap, and held her close my hand on her chest feeling it rise and fall. Needing the confirmation that my baby angel was still there inside that body, if she was breathing then she would be ok.
I didn't realize that I was crying till that point. Tude crushed against my breast, and tears rolling down my face and rocking my passed out baby girl back and forth in my arms. Praying outloud for God to spare her and to help her. For a split second I thought it was all over. My entire world was focused on Tude and what I would do without her. How I could go on living without having her with me. When she stirred I almost didn't notice it I was praying so hard. I didn't know she was awake till her wrapped her little hand in mine. Her hands were a little shakey, but as she rubbed her thumb across the knuckles of my left hand, I cried harder, thanking God for saving her. Squeezing her so tight that she sqirmed. We played our finger touch game and she crossed her eyes and blinked them one by one. She was just fine. I layed her back down on her bed and smiled as I pulled a lo'mein noodle out of her hair. I put it in my left hand, and picked off a couple more little pieces of noodle that were on her night gown. I looked down at myself, and noticed I was covered in chineese food and all I could think about what a hot shower.
I left her room, kissing her gently on the forhead as I left. I stripped off my shirt and walked around in my bra and panties, cleaning up the food mess in the living room and finally ending up in the shower. Letting the hot water hit me, turn my skin red, and letting the water warm up my cold bones. It was soothing and heavenly I got out of the shower, and toweled off, walking to my room naked and drying my hair as I went. I layed down on the bed and I happened to look at the clock. 3:00am, on the dot. February 24 Homeward ProjectsI've been reading alot lately. I've almost finished The Tao of Pooh. I like the waythat it's written and alot of what it says makes alot of sence. Sometimes, I think that I'm changing again (dear god didn't I just do that?). I think I'm getting better. Or maybe I am just basking in that light at the end of the tunnel. Who can reall tell. The house is looking great. I've put up a painting that SBG gave me. I may grab my paint brushes and touch it up a bit though. It's not exactly the perfect picture for my living room. I want to try to mute out the southwesterny theme that I had going, I want more of a relaxing comfy kick your feet up and relax type of place. The only thing I need furniture wise (so far that I can see) is a foot stool for the chair. I know exactly what I want though, and I may build it myself. I was it to be a box type of thing. Only inside I was a huge box. The top of the box will be apolsteried (did I spell that right?) with probably a matching swatch of fabric from my couch and chair. Only it will be padded to the point where it overflows the top. I already have the buttons to pin in the stuffing. 12 of them. I'm thinking 4 rows of 3 should do it. Or maybe 3 rows of 4. I havn't decided yet. That is a couple projects away. The next living room project is the mirror. I found a really cool mirror on the side of the road. It's heavy. I bet it weights 30 pounds easy. It's hung from baling wire! Square head nails hold it together. The thing has got to be at least 40 years old. Older than that I think. I'm thinking turn of the century age. Square head nails are typical of that era.
Someone had covered the wood with a faux leather type of product and it has been 1/2 removed by me. When I found it, it was in terrible shape and covered in paint. I knew it was a painted mirror and had been lookin for one anyways. I was so excited to find this one! I brought it home and cleaned it up. I took off 1/2 of the faux leathering treatment and then seen that I was tearing up the wood so I immeadiately stopped the process, not sure how to proceed. Right now ithangs in my living room. I have a lace curtain in a valance style type of design above it. It looks a little like a window. I've considered painting my wild grass stuff on the glass it'self. I don't know exactly what to do with it. We'll see. I have alot of projects to do. I can't wait till it's warmer I can work on my stuff. Maybe I'll take it down to my dad's soon. He's got all the tools. I'm finally old enough to play with the table saw.
Watching out Mr. Lynch! I can use and table saw, and I havn't cut off my hand (yet). February 23 The Job The Job The Job The Tude The Last 36 HoursYesterday, I walked into work and opened up the work load and seen that we had no work to do. Nine temp girls left and no accounts to do. The rest of the girls came in at about 8:00am. They opened their work up and then seen that there was nothing to do. Sence our team lead got a full time job at a major hospital about a month ago, another girl and I have been taking over that girls jobs that she did. After a bout a week of that, the other girl would only fax all of the papers (about 500 a day, and make sure they are all there, ie: chasing down other coworkers to get the proper paperwork) only every other day and left theother, and everythign else for that matter for me to do. I didn't like being the lowest paid person on the team, but I really really need a job. Bills are more than what I make, but I know if I get hired in full time, then I'll get more money AND bennies.
So all the girls came to the middle of the row (about where I sit) and were talking about their being no work and deciding who was going to go home this time. To be honest, it was getting close to my turn, I really couldn't afford to go home early. So I suggested going through all of the desks of the girls that are no longer there, originally, there was 25 girls on the team. Slowly they've been weeded out. So nine of us start going through paperwork in other desks and find a full days worth of work. We divide it up and then we sit down to do it. At 10:30, our bosses boss (my bosses last day was today) comes over to our aisle with nine boxes. The job is over, everyone pack up thanks for the great job you did, we'll miss you. So I finish the page I was working on, and I shut down the computer and started putting things in my box. I didn't look around. I just slowly put things away, thinking about how much I was going to miss all the people that I worked with. The girls in AR and I have gotten really close. We all eat lunch together, and smoke together outside. We even talk outside of work. We call each other to say hey, or that we seen something the other liked, or talk about boys. It's been really great. I love some of the girls I work with. I finished packing up, and realized everyone else was out of there. They didn't even say good bye. They just packed up and left. I didn't really like the rest of the girls I worked with but a goodbye would have been nice. I didn't cry though, I just picked up my box and put my bus bag in it and walked over to the AR department to tell my friends goodbye. As I walked over there, the AR lead for one of the AR departments asked me if I could help out with a project she had going. She told me to sit in the department with three new temp girls and that the job would last for maybe a couple weeks. I was so excited to tell my work friends. They were so excited too! This same lady was a lead in their department, and she had apprently been asking about me. I got excited. All night long I thought about what I shoudl say and what I should do. Yesterday by the end of the day, everyone was turning their work into me, and I was turning it into the AR boss. How cool was that.
So today I got up and got ready, didn't sleep much, but by 5:30 I drank two pots of coffee. I was literally bouncing off the wall. Couldn't sit still to save my life. I tried to eat, it didn't help. I literally went on break and jumped up and down for a bit (thank god no one else was out there) and then I took the stairs (twice) trying to burn of energy. I got upstairs and was working. About 2pm the AR boss came and told us that the company had decided to put their full time employees on the job we were doing and that we were no longer needed, wednesday would be our last day. I sat there and looked at her like she had just spoke in a foreign language. I must have looked in utter shock, because she put her hand on my shoulder and smiled at me very kindly. Then she walked away. I went to break about 2:45pm with my work friends, and I told them what happened. I couldn't help it this time, the tears were just rolling, and to be honest I was coming down from a caffine high. I was drained. My work friends said that the AR boss really likes me, and that she's been watching me. That I should go talk to her and maybe she could talk to the hiring manager and then maybe we could get somewhere. I thought it was a great idea. I even talked to the Hiring Manager of a different department about working int he mail room, they needed help, and I wondered if it was in the budget to hire me for that. I'd work for the same pay I do now. She told me that she would think about it, and I felt like I was getting somewhere. I felt like I was making a difference and that I was focusing my stress in a positive manner. Then I went and talked to the AR boss and explained I had applied but that I did want the job, I just don't have the experience. I told her that I'm dedicated though,and asked her to talk to the hiring manager about rethinking my resume again. She said she had no problem doing that, and that I needed to be trained, but at least I could be trained the way they wanted me, and not carry over old baggage or confusion from another job. I seriously thought about reaching back and patting myself on the back. I thought to myself as I walked back to my desk "Work it girl, work it!"
I called home and checked messages and there were none. I had a reminder to call back the ladies at the Ladies Auxillary Club at the National Headquarters at the VFW hall. My grandmother had always admired the VFW and wasn't able to get in it. I was thrilled just to interview with them. It was an honor really. The Ladies Club really does some amazing things for the community, and to have a position in the main office was just mindblowing. I went into the interview just thinking, I'll never get this, it's just interview experience. I was pleasant and we talked alot about the missions and ect and then the busy times of year. I asked my questions, and then then interview was over. Aside from me kicking over the trashcan in my nervousness, I can't say I did anything remarkable, and they didn't seemoverly impressed. I immeadiatly wrote it off as a loss cause. However, the lady who got me in for an interview, I did want to call her and thank her for the interview chance, and to say hey, she's a nice gal. When I called she sounded shocked! She said "Wow! We were just talking about you!" I said wow really?
Here is the big news. They have decided to hire me! I start Monday March 5th. This is going to give me two days off to get things in order and then go right back into work. I'll only miss two days (and probably an entire pay period) but I'm standing in the light at the end of the tunnel. I did it! I got a job! Bennies like you wouldnt believe! Every time the govener farts we get the day off!! Bad weather? Sometimes the ADJ General shuts the office down! I walked into a sweet job! All from telling some lady on the bus that I reallyl iked her earrings. Come to find out? She's the hiring manager for the department I'll be working in! And my step-mother said I used to talk too much! A pox on that bitch! Hey everyone, check me out. I have a full time job. One thats not going to end in a week or so, one that I can stay at. Even set pictures of the kids on my desk. Have a pencil holder without it getting stolen. Check me out! I'll also still get to see my work friends! We can get together for lunch! Go grab a drink after work! Can you believe it?
On the way home I had to go by the bank, it was payday. I have found one of my banks downtown. So I take a different bus on Fridays, then walk 5 blocks to catch a different bus. I take that bus to a near by intersection and then walk about a 1/2 a mile to the daycare to pick up Tude. It was a beautiful day today. It was windy, but it was partly cloudy and it was going to be a beautiful sunset. The day just didn't get any better. I picked up Tude, and we went to QT and got a drink (like every night) and then went to the bus stop to wait. Tude had spring fever and was bouncing off the walls. I looked at her, and at my watch. I was 15 minutes earlier than I am taking the other bus, and I look at the Diet Coke we were sharing (it was my day to pick the soda). Tude said "Mommy let's walk home!" To be honest I couldn't think of a better thing to do.
Holding hands Tude and I walked home from QT. Yes, it was a bit of a walk, but thats ok, it does a heart and mind good. Tude and I checked out deer tracks and decided that one set of tracks was a raccoon. Another a dog and a grown up with big shoes and a kid with little shoes. Tude was thrilled to see that they were her own foot prints she was leaving in the damp earth. She grinned really big and gave me a friendly push. We walked home, watching the sunset. Tude was singing songs and we were holding hands. I started to sing with her. It was great just me and baby angel. Been a long time sence we hung out like that.
I got home and the boys had a great day today! Doodle got a paw and Toadman got a compliment! So Doodle gets to walk with the principal on Monday when she goes in the hallways and stuff. It's a very big honor for a first grader. Toadman got to put a star next to his name on the white board in the dining room! He gets one more and he gets a suprize! Last time he got 5 stars it was a placemat that has spiderman on it. He currently is decorating the bottom of Doodle's bed with it. So he can see it when he lays down on the bottom bunk. I swear my kids are so creative, sometimes too creative. Jeeze, now I sound like my father. LOL.
When I got home I nticed that the guy that I've been talking too from Scotland had called! He's really cool to talk to. Then the boy that I met at Denny's had called! The night that I went out with SBG and Today (like a month or so ago?, I blogged about it I think, I'm too lazy to go back and check, but feel free). E____ (the guy from the restaurant) and B_____ the Scottish guy). B___ is trying to find Reba tickets so we can go, and E___ wants to go see a movie. MMMMmmmmm which one do I pick? Dear god did I just say that?
I think that I had a pretty good day. Actually the past 48 hours have been an emotional roller coaster. I'm impressed with myself, I've kept it together. Other than one little cry I had at break smoking a cig with my work girls, Im so very excited that I maintained. I've been working a ton on self control. Looks like it's finally paying off, in every way. February 22 Tao
Tao
There is something I read in a book that I will share with you for today that seemed to make a lot of since to me. I hope that you can take it with you and make some since of it, maybe even apply it or think about it during stressful situations:
The surest way to become tense, awkward, and confused is to develop a mind that tries too hard---on that thinks too much. The animals in the forest don't think too much, they just are. But with the overwhelming number of people, to misquote an old western philosopher, it's a case of "I think, there for I am confused." If you compare the city with the forest you may begin to wonder why it's man who goes around classifying himself as the superior animal. February 20 Growing some balls?Tonight, I layed down with Tude to put her to sleep. She had almost cried herself to sleep and I took pity on her. I rubbed her hair gently, and my mind started to drift, and i tried desparately to stay awake, I still have so much to do tonight. I got to thinking about a woman that lived down the street where I grew up. My step-mom and her were friends, and I went to school with their daughter. They had two older sons. They daughter was very popular, did everything, drill team, cheerleading, had the best clothes the best hair, and you couldn't help but love her. She was an awesome little gal. She had a best friend that lives down the street going to opposit direction. I would always see them walking back and forth. All us girls had grown up together, but never really played together. I was a pretty self concious kid i guess, anyways, one day I got some balls and went out to talk to one of them at the bus stop. They had seen me making up my silly dancesin the front yard a few times and they were both in the 8th grade drill team. Which at the time was a very very big deal. I really wanted to be in it, but for some reason I couldn't be, but I loved the fact that they wanted me to show them some of my dances. Ended up, they showed me their dance and asked me what I thought of it. I told them I thought it was great, and then we worked on it all together the better part of the night. Her brothers finally coming down and yelling at us if had to listen to Debbie Gibson one more time that he was going to smash her radio with a hammer. It was enough to send me into a fit of giggles. I was so in love with her brothers. They were teenage boys with acne and armpit sweat (uhg). One of them now is still baggin with his momma (he lives at home) and has five kids now. One of them live in teh building over from me. Man, I would beat those kids within an inch of their lives if they were mine. Our kids don't play together. It's sad really, it's a price of raising good kids I suppose. I only live fiften or twenty minutes from this girl. She lives right down the highway. I know the area she livees in, just not the exact house. It's kinda like still having her just living down the road and never saying hi. I'm thinking, maybe I should give her a call and invite her to lunch sometime. Chololate Flavored Notes
Chololate Flavored Notes
More words of wisdom from Dove chocolates (the other girls really need to quit bringing them in, my ass is growing)
This is the conclusion of words of wisdom from Dove. Tuesday Mornin
Tuesday Mornin
This morning, when I was getting ready for work, I noticed Tude didn't have her coveralls. They were still at her dads, I called him (yes at 5am) and told him that Tude needed them, and could he please get them to her. He said he was sleeping and that he would get them to her in the next couple of days. I tried to tell him it was 33 degrees out and that she needed them. He hung up on me then turned his phone off. I realize how early it was, but if he was working then he would have to get up and go to work at that time also. I think sometimes, that he's so self centered that he can't function in normal society. Luckily, Tude was fine, I improvised (gave her my hat, mittens, and scarf) and she was fine. I just got to freeze my ass off. If anyone prays, pray for me not to lose my cool and go hurt him, because right now? I want to hurt him. February 19 Finally SunshineThe sun came out todayand warmed up the city. People were walking in coats but not buttoned up. They didn't wrap their faces in scarves or cover their hands in mittens and gloves. People walked slower and took more time in their conversations. Even the long lay overs I have didn't seem so bad today. It was almost warm outside. Some at at the George Washington park and fed the ever-greedy pidgeons. Old women with apprently, nothing better to do with their time, than to feed fat birds.
My favorite part of today was getting the kids back. They had been at their dad's sence Friday night. Well to be honest, they've been at my ex mother in laws for the past 3 days. Apparently, the Smacktard dropped them off there, and then left till sunday morning. Yeah, he's a winner (NOT!). Last night, I though the kids were home, I was so excited. It wasn't my kids, it was another group of little white kids, about my kids age. I should really wear my glasses more often. Last night, I missed them alot. I layed down in bed and couldn't get comfortable. Ended up stripping down to nothing and finally, with the aid of my ever present fan, and my feet uncovered I finally fell asleep. Wondering what the kids were doing, and if they missed me as much as I missed them.
When I got home from work today, the kids weren't even 10 mintues behind me. Smacky dropped them off in front of the apartment building, and immediatly left. Good thing I was home. Scares me to death when he does that, what if for some reason I don't hear them knocking or if I am not even there! Luckily, the kids and I have a backup plan in case that happens, but still it worries me all the same.
Today was a great day, I was productive at work, the kids are home, the sun is shining. I wish there were more days like today. The Tao of P'u
The Tao of P'u
Been reading a book that Zero had given me when we first started dating. The writing inside the cover says:
When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, an dmysterious secret known to those of the uncarved block: Life is Fun. February 18 Happy Birthday Sherry!This evening was pretty great. I talked on the phone to a guy from Schotland this weekend! Was pretty cool. I made him say "I'm giving her all she's got captain!". LOL. I died laughing when he said it. I couldn't help it. I laughed until my sides hurt. Didn't hurt his feelings a bit. I'm sure soon he'll make me say "Ya'll come back now ya'hear?". Good old Beverly HillBillies.
Today is Sherry's birthday!! She's still a pup though. Such a sweet gal really. We talked most of the evening. How special did I feel! Speaking in that area, J____ (i really need a new name for him), called today. Was great, talkin to an old friend. Maybe the weirdness is over now. I hope so. The phone cicked off and we didn't get to say goodbye, but that was ok, those things happen. Sorry, by the way. I didn't know, and I was wrong, I'm sorry.
I thought I would share something positive sence I seen to be so negative lately.
The other mornin I was standing there waiting for the 34th and broadway bus. The stop is actually a terminal. Several buses are usually waiting there or are pulling through picking up their morning commuters. I had missed the early bus and was waiting for the later bus and I noticed that the sun was already coming up. The clouds were pink floating over head. The buildings swallowed up huge chunks of the cotton candy clouds. The sun was glinting off the windows looking like a wall of tiny stars. I suddenly seemed very small in this city. I looked around and a few others were staring around also. Seemed like everyone was enjoying the first rays of sunshine pouring over the waking city. Old women sitting on their benches with their huge bags resting on their laps, and policemen in their unmarked cars ignoring the world, just watching the light play off the old aritechuted buildings and the mirrored glass of the million panes of glass.
As the bus pulled up, everyone going on the bus stood to wait in line, but the line moved a little slower. Seemed that no one wanted to get on that bus that would take them to their inevitable. Wether it be work, home, school, or appointment- the bus stop people all seemed to be in synch. Everyone regreted leaving that new morning to go start their boring everyday lives.
Who am I again?Lately, it seems like everyone is on my for my lack of self esteem. In the last week, no joke, at least 7 peopl have commented on how I am so hard on myself. I don't see it, I just flow with life everyday, but others see me as beating myself up. This weekend, I've been thinking about that alot. I guess to come up with a solution you must first understand the problem. So I've been thinking, and dreaming, and thinking some more.
When I was a kid, there was a fear of abandoment of my biological mother. Which was the beginning. I grew up with an abusesive dad when he drank, and a cold and malicious step mother. When I left home, I left home with Lil Bit, who was cold and standoffish, he was never mean to me by any means, but he always made sure to let me know that he could walk away from me and any given moment and that he would be just fine, he didn't care. When I left him, I met up with Toad's real dad. I didnt want a relationship, just a baby. I wanted a family, something I could love and cherish and treasure more than anyone had ever given me. Finally I got pregant with Toad, but I was being man handled alot. Dil-rod (the bio-father of Toad) was a jealous type. I couldn't go out of his site, couldn't wear make up - which I didnt much back then anyways. When I would go to work, he'd snoop and watch me when I didn't know it. Completely, jealous and had a notion that I was nothing but a whore. He told me that constantly. Drilled it into my head so to speak. I left him when Toad was 5 months old, I ran away from him, just like I did Lil Bit, just for different reasons.
When I met the kids dad (Smacktard) I knew I wouldn't run away from anyone ever again. I had grown up alot in those few years, and I knew what I wanted. A husband, a family, someone home when I came home, someone to love and to love me. At first, Smacky and I were great. We were best friends. He smoked alot of pot, but alot of people on my mom's side of the family does, so I overlooked it as long as it wasn't in the house. Then smacky found meth. It ruined us. We already had Bug and I was almost pregnant with Ally-tude when I knew I had to leave him. He started hitting me badly right after Bug was born. WHen I was pregnant with Tude, I was his release of anger and frustration. He told me I was like fucking a man (wonder how he knew that the prick), he drilled into me how worthless I was. I gave up after awhile. Details won't help any but after awhile I gave up trying to be me, and trying to do anything right, and just tried to do what I could to make peace. It was nothing new to have someone beating the hell out of me. I jsut tried to stay out of arms reach, and out of the stormy skys that surrounded my marriage.
Smacky and I split up, and I met a few guys here and there, one guy we'll call Inful. He was the older guy syndrome, but he was a creep. Just wanted sex and that was it, I just wanted more. Took me awhile, he's prolly the guy that I'll always say "Yeah, I was his physco-ex g/f" LOL. All us girls know what I'm talkin about, at some point we've all been there. After Inful, I met Zero. I fell in love and he loved me. The kids were involved (which was a first for me, dating and letting them meet the kids). We all know how Zero and I turned out, which is sad. However, he had a big hand to play in my self esteem too. Zero constantly left me in the dark. He would say he would come down, but would never tell me when. Or he would say he loved me once, then wouldn't do it again for over a month. Would you believe for 7 months he wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole? He'd walk around the room so he wouldn't have to walk past me. Not that he was mean to me, but that he just couldn't stand to be near me. It just instilled everything that I had ever feared. I really wasn't enough for anyone. The constant rejection really hurt me deeply, and there were times where I just shut down and late at night, I'd get up and watch the fish tank and wish that I was someone else. I hated myself because no one could seem to understand me. I hated myself because no one else could seem to love me. From Dad to Lil Bit to Smacky to Zero there is a commen ground. They are all the silent type who think that you should know what they are thinking and feeling, while on the outside all they show are coldness and such self control that no one can get to their hearts.
Now that I've stated the problem, I know that I should try to come up with a solution. Some way to resolve my feelings of inadequcy and self loathing. The only way that I know of how to fix my totally fucked up life is to change it. I think in a lot of ways I have. I show love now. I love my children and even though I'm hard on them, its to make them good kids. It's not out of malice. Yes, I do spank my kids, I don't beat them. I don't punch them in the face or shove them down the stairs (a blog comin up shortly). I don't tell them to get off me when they want a hug or kiss. I try to give them all the love and security that I never had. I'm worried I can't give them what I don't have though. How do I give my children love that I was never shown. Not really by anyone. I've always been my own best friend, always. From as early as I can remember. If someone hurt me or slided me, I've never forgotten. Example: I still hold it against Lil Bit for sleeping with that girl in Nebraska that gave him that Cornhuskers hat. Not so much that he did it, but the fact that he never told me the truth about it. I think his exact words were "we were broke up at that time, it's none of your fucking business.". Would he still do the same? who knows... he seems to have truth issues. Example: Dad still talks to me like I'm trash. When he drinks he is so vicious that I feel like I'm 14 years old again, throwing up on the verge of passing out, while he still hit me with his belt. Things like that, I can't seem to let go of. It's the hurtful things that seem to have made me who I am, and I hate that.
People look at me, and they see a smile and a mop of curly hair. A girl that sings with the radio and playing board games with her kids. Takes the bus to work, so she can sit at her desk and try to get herself wrapped up in music so she can't think. It's only when I sit here at this keyboard, with my fingers stroking each word out, that I truely realize what a pathetic case I am. I don't know how to fix this problem. It's nothing that a band-aid can fix. I can't go out and get drunk and lose the memories for awhile. I've been putting on my SmilinGal face for so long now, that I'm not sure who I am anymore. I know who I want to be, I can tell you what I want out of life. I have life goals and I strive to meet them constantly. I'm driven and a hard worker. I know what needs to be done, and I do it the best I can, even though I don't always suceed.
The original topic was, how to get my self confidence back. But how do you get something back that you've never had? How do you learn how to live that way, when you're not a child anymore. I've been trying to change my appearance a bit. Losing weight (almost 15 pounds yay me!) and putting make up on every day. I even shaved my legs last week (they coudl use it again). SBG tells me that I need to just let it all go, all the hurt and all the pain. I normally do pretty well, I put the rest of it out of my head. Taladega tells me I think too much. Quit thinking!! How in the hell do I do that? I guess it's best just to remind myself of what I truely am:
A 30 year old full grown woman with three children whom I love with all my heart. A daughter who will do what she can to be supportive of her parents. A friend who always has an open ear to bend. A child of God, who is lost in the world, and needs someone to light the path, apparently I've lost my way. February 15 Toadman is the king of the decade!!This year, today actually, my Toadman turned 10. He's growing up so fast. He's carrying in the groceries now, and taking out the trash. He's the only kid I know that worries about the electric bill getting paid. He's sweet and loving and good with babies, and he's also vengeful and mean at times. He's the oldest child after all. I think all oldest children have alot of that. I know that I did.
My favorite memory of Toadman was when I got married. Toadman was in a little suit, blackwith a crisp white shirt. A little tie to match it. He was so handsome, just a little old man, wrapped up in a 15 month old's body. There is a picture of me sitting on the floor (hardwood floor) with my wedding dress splayed out all around me. I'm holding my bouquet and I have my veil down over my face, and toadman is sitting on the side of my dress looking so tiny, holding a rose. It's one of my favorite pictures ever. Maybe someday the Smacktard will give me some of the wedding pictures back. I remember him looking at me with such wonder. He grabbed ahold of my veil very gently and said "Momma pretty". My heart melted and I knew I was in love till my last breath, like I hadn't already know that a million times before.
Today was also the VD party at the school. I was totally unprepared and not happy about none ofthe parents really doing anything or showing up. I didn't even know about it till about 9am, while I was at the school dealing with a child issue. So I walked up to the school with Ally-tude (it's only about 4 blocks, if that). Tude and I made it through the party and grabbed the boys and headed home. On the way home, my boss called. I had a delivery. Someone had delievered me flowers!!!!! Try as I might though, no one will tell me a damned thing though. Grrrr.... when you want people to be nosey they clam up tight, you want them to keep a secret? and you might as well have sent a mass email to the company stating the said business. Toad had over heard me talking on the phone to my boss, and when I got of fthe phone he was grinning. I asked him what was so funny. He said that he knew who sent them. I asked him who, he said I knew who and it startedwith a "B". I told him that I could bet 100% that it wasn't him. He winked at me and said "Mom, you never know, give him a chance.". A knife twisted in my gut but I smiled and put my arm around him and continued walking hom.
When we got home, Toad opened his presents. He got a toolbox that locks (passing his tackle box to Doodle), a real set of screwdrivers, a socket set, and a spiderman watch. It's actually pretty nice if I do say so myself. He did tell me that I have to ask before using one of his screwdrivers though. I tickled him for that. We sang happy birthdya and pigged out on chocolate. I made his favorite dinner, bbq chicked, stuffing, taters and gravy, and mac and cheese. We ate till we were stuffed. Seriously, I'm scared to move for fear that I'll explode! Tude and Bug had each covered Toad's chores for today, and he's been living the good life. Smacktard didn't call him today, I wonder if he's noticed he hasn't said anything about it. He's had a pretty great day though, maybe he won't even realize.
Kids' birthday party? Rescheduled to a week fromthis coming weekend. I can't wait. Wow am I finally sitting down?I got an email from my Lucy a few days ago. Made me realize how much I am loved, which made yesterday all that much better. I also had slipped and blogged aboutZero, which I've been not doing and refusing to think about. So on goes with the blog..........
Yesterday, was VD, I wore my anit-vd attitude (the shirt would have been too much for work) and ate tons of chocolate and I think I have a canker sore from it now, but it was soooooo worth it. I LOVE chocolate!!! I stopped by the store on the way home and picked up the kids VD presents and walked into my house with my wet socks frozen to my feet. Allly-tude had her little teeth chattering and we were glad to be home and changed into dry clothes. The kids and I ate junk food and watched TV all night long. It was wonderful!!!!! At ten last night we were watching Firefly the series and for the first time that day Zero crossed my mind, and just as quickly he left it, his choice after all, thats what I keepsaying to myself at least.
Woke up this morning,and climbed in bed with Toadman and covered his sleepy face in kisses! Today is Toadman's birthday!!!! I will be posting again tonight (I hope) and giving more details.
Till then, I'm off on another rat race, have the day off, so let's see how much running I can get done around here. February 12 Morning Commute Convo
Morning Commute Convo
This morning as I was getting ready for work, I got up The Tude, and told her to put on her clothes while I was in the shower. I took a long shower, hot enough to boil off a couple layers of skin, but it felt so good. When I got out of the shower, I noticed The Tude had fallen back asleep fully dressed on the couch. I woke her up and sat her down to put on her coveralls, to keep her warm. She fought me tooth and nail. Finally, I said fine,be cold and we walked out the door. It was actually not very cold out this morning, just kinda damp and misty. This is the convo that took place. Tude: Mommy is it raining?
From that point on, everyone that Tude seen, she told them how she was right and I was wrong. (sigh) My baby angel got me again. February 11 Lost and FoundKeeping in the crappy headlice problem that we have, I have santitized my house. I have found several things I have been missing for a very long time! I found the Toad's gameboy (which has been missing sence before Christmas) and I found some pink cards that Zero had left around my house for me to find (right into the box, I read two of them and started crying, stupid me, don't read shit from exboyfriends that could care less), I also found a necklace that I thought was lost forever that my exmother in law had gotten me for my 25th birthday.
Yesterday, SoulsWolf, come over and took me and The Tude to the Walmart to pick up more Raid spray and cleaning supplies. We spent two hours inside of walmart. I had to get my taxes done too, which means that it took FOREVER! Come to find out that if I get a rapid refund loan that they will take out some past amount that we apparently were over paid, having to do with Smacktard's child support on his oldest daughter. So needless to say, I either have to pay his old childsupport bill (left over from a previous tax year) or not get the refund anticipation loan. I'll just file normally, no big deal, I just can't pay the 659.12 bill that he has left for me again. I'm pretty tired of ol' Smacky, sometimes, I think it would be best if he just ate a bullet. He's tried to kill himself I don't know how many times, sometimes I wonder if the world would be a better place if he did. Then I feel guilty, I don't want anyone to die, I just want courtsey and respect. Two things I will never get from him. (uhg off that topic it's starting to piss me off).
Also, we decided to rearrange the house sence we are cleaning it. The boys finally took down all those model robots. I have to admit, I was glad to see that. They are finally removing Zero from their life, and I'm proud of them. Having around all those things that he used to do with them helps in the healing process. I found Toad's diary, and read it. Yeah, I read my kids stuff, till they move out, they will have no privacy at all. I am a nosey parent, of course. I foudn a couple entries and I started crying. Talking about how he thought of Zero as his dad, and how much he missed him. How he didn't understand, and promised himself that if Zero came back that he would try much harder to be a good boy. At that, my heart broke. I hated Zero then, for the first time in my life. Hated him for getting close to my children, and hated him for being so .... so..... I don't know. Cold? Uncaring? Self-absorbed? It doesn't matter what he was though, he's dead to me now, maybe forever, maybe a few days. I have never been madder at him, and to be honest, I never thought I would feel that way about him. Last night, when I went to bed and closed my eyes, I prayed that Good would take away the pain that I still feel and the anger and bitterness that is threatening to take over. I woke up this morning, and it's still lingering. I hate feelign like this, I wish I never would have met Zero. (uhg another topic that's pissing me off, switch!)
When I was cleaning Ally-tude's room, I found 2 containers of chocolate frosting and a box of graham crackers (yeah she's her mothers child) and I found tampons in her room!. Keep in mind I havn't had a period sence Ally-tude was six weeks old! Thats been damn near five years!!! When I asked her where she got them? She said they were water markers. She took one to the bathroom and showed me. "Look mommy, put them in water then you can draw with water! Look it's magic they get bigger!" Choking back hysterical laughter, I waited till her back was turned and trashed all the tampons. When I counted? There were 10 o them. Wonder if she got them from my sister?
While putting the box of models into my hopechest (to keep them safe) I had to reaarenge some things. I found an envelope that I didn't remember putting in there. It was from my dad. Last time he was at my house was..... um...... well..... prolly a couple months ago. He was in my room fixing the tv (which sits on top of my hopechest) and he must have slipped it in there without my knowledge. It was stuffed full of six or seven letters. There were all from my Lil' Bit. Reading them, was like taking a trip back in time. He loved me so much. I tried to put them down, but I just kept reading them, over and over. Was stupid stuff, like when I was doing his homework in French class (guess it helps to get good grades when you're tagging the teachers aide), and how much he hated his mom (which i think all teens do, we were no exception). As I wiped my tears and put them away I realized. They are the only things I have of him, besides a picture of us at a dance. Everything I had of him, Toad's real dad destroyed in a fire. In jealousy and rage. I hated him for that, and I still do. As I put things away, I realized how much I live in the past sometimes. Lil' Bit isn't my sweet boy anymore, he's an army man, hard cold and not very nice sometimes. Life changed him, the world changed him, it happens to the best of us. I don't hate him, I never have, sometimes, it's best to leave those little heartbreaks behind, and move on with life.
For a brief second, I considered throwing out all of Lil Bit's and Zerp's memories. Just getting rid of them. Letting the paid go, letting the baggage leave. But I couldn't do it. I just covered them up with other memories. Baby Books, and birthday party balloons. Dried roses that my exhusband sent me on the first anniv of our first date. The locks of hair from the kids first hair cuts, first outfits the kids wore home from the hospital, after they were born. I realized as I stacked things on top of zero and lil bit's shoe boxes. With all these good memories, all the love we made and shared. The past is left in the past and it's better off that way. When I first left Arkansas, I thought my heart would break, but knew I had to leave. Had no choice really, it was over, even though I loved him, I couldn't love someone who obviously didn't love me back. Same thing with Zero, I have to let it go, because he didn't love me back. They both were cold and standoffish, shut me out of their hearts and turned a cold hard shoulder to my crying and begging for their love again. With all these emotions, one thing was perfectly clear. Both of those boys are the same boy, just in different packages. They both have wonderful qualitites, they both will forever by in my heart, and I will love them till the day that I die. Both of those boys broke my heart, and in the same way. I left Lil Bit behind over 10 years ago; maybe in 10 years, I'll be able to think of Zero without malice or without anger and bitterness. Because the only person that these feelings are hurting? Is me, and by letting it hurt me, is giving them the control over my life that they used to have.
In short, putting new memories on top of old ones, and then just letting the old ones go, I think is the best plan of attack. Wishe me luck, time to finish the carpets. (breaktimes is over, sigh) February 09 Through a maze of trashbagsThis afternoon, I got a call at work, The Tude was thought to have some pest issues (headlice). As any mother of white children will tell you, headlice is your worst nightmare. We are no exception. I took an alternate bus home today, that dropped me off in front of the grocery store, and I went in and bought trashbags and popcycles. I walked the 1/2 a mile to The Tude's school to pick her up. When I got there she was santioned off from the other children, in a chair where the timeout chair used to be. Tude sat there with big alligator tears rolling down her fat little cheeks. My heart hurt for her. I gave her a quick kiss, and then dressed her up like nothing was wrong, and endured the dirty look I got from the other mother that was there picking up her kid. I wanted to yell at her "Hey, she got it here at daycare!" or "Headlice only attacks clean hair!". But I didn't, I just kept my mouth shut and ushed Tude outthe door. We walked over to the bus stop, and we waited for the bus. We waited about 15 minutes, which was enough time, and oppertunity, to start removing nits from her hair. More than enough time to let Tude know, this is going to be a long long proceedure, that will take all weekend.
We got home, and I got out the headlice treatment that I had gotten years ago. I went ahead and used it, and I'll buy more tomarrow. We stripped her bed, and the boys, everyone has new sheets and blankets (well fresh, not new, might as well be new, I think I heard one of the sheets crack when I put it in the dirty clothes). All the hairbrushes are in a gallon zip lock baggie, and all the rubberbands got thrown away. Thankfully, Tude got hair pretties for her birthday she just hasn't opened them yet.
Which is the next part. The birthday party had to be canceled. I hated to do it, but I felt it was very necessary. All the parents understood and in fact thanked me. I was just mortified to actually verbalize, one of my children has headlice. I checked the boys more than once. I had just shaved their heads a few weeks ago, so there isn't much there the bus could hang on. But to be on the safe side, I'll treat their hair too.
I just spent from 6:30 till 11:15pm pulling nits and bugs out of Tude's hair. She whimpered and cried, she wanted her sleep over, she wanted her friends, she wanted another popcycle (see what the popcycles were for? To entertain the princess). Toad was very understanding about the party he usually is about stuff like this. I was worried about him more than Tude. Toad has been SUCH a big help, with Tude and Bug and other things too. His homework has slacked again, earning him anotehr detention. So the birthday party will be postponed, next weekend, or maybe the weekend after. We'll see, I have to reschedule everyone this Smacktard.
:-) Let the fun begin! Blogging Before Work
Blogging Before Work
This morning I woke up late. Clock read 6:01 when I rolled over. I jumped out of bed, forgoing a shower, and woke the boys up and shuffled them upstairs. I rushed back downstairs (still in jammies) and dressed Ally-tude in her coveralls while she was still waking up. In fact we ran out the door and I still hadn't put on my gloves or zipped up my coat. The bus usually gets there at 6:10am. Ally-tude and I beat feet to the bus stop which is "about" a block and a half away. We got to the bus stop and we leaned against the light pole trying to catch our breath. I noticed that it was snowing. Small flakes coming down more and more, just drifting in the air. I noticed that on Ally-tude's ski mask, the flakes were obvious on the black yarn. Each little minor miracle showing up brilliantly. The flakes were just wonderful! We tried to catch them on our tongues, and they lighted on our eyelashes. It was wonderful, spending time with The Tude. We held hands and danced in the snow. Kicking up our feet and singing to our snow flakes. Starting with Twinkle Twinkle and rolling through This Little Light of Mine and Baby Angel's Stinky Feet. We got on the bus finally, and made it to QT to take Ally-tude to daycare. The snow was coming down harder, and more clumpy. We walked across the road, and headed to daycare. While walking up to it RiRi seen us and waited while I took Ally-tude into daycare, then she gave me a ride to work. We sat there and watched snow flakes on the windshield. Amazing how little baby teeny tiny snowflakes, can cause so much wonder. (oh hell I gotta go clock in) |
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