I'm doing a lot better. Much better than I thought I would be doing. I cried a few times, but for some reason I am not really all that upset about Beau anymore. It still hurts, yeah it does, but it's not like The Denny's Boy or Zero. Nothing compared to that. After all, it was not my fault and I should not feel like I have to repent or do something to make amends.

Christmas turned out great. The kids got everything that they wanted for Christmas, I didn't get much. I got a crock-pot and a thumb drive from my dad and GA. I needed both of them. Christmas morning started at 5:00am and lasted until almost 10pm. I was wiped out. Between visiting family and friends and the onslaught of food, we were more than adequately stuffed and fat. I really enjoyed the holidays. Had tons of family and friends around and for once I felt like I belonged in my family. Even GA's kids didn't really get on my nerves that bad this year.

Tude got a new coat and snow boots and then Bug got snow boots and a new game. Toad got a rubix cube and a couple of books that he had been wanting to read. He is starting to get a great collection going on.

Now we are into making our resolutions for the new year. Mine is to spend more time with my family. The kids more specifically. We don't have a lot of time together in the evenings, however, it would be nice to set aside a few hours a week for "kid-dates" just to make them feel special. After all they are the most special things in my life.

Afterthought- Court with Smacktard is only 2 weeks-ish away. The nightmares have started again. The most recent one was that he shot Tude and Toad, turned the gun towards me, and then I woke up as I heard the pop. It was very vivid and I really couldn't tell if I was asleep or awake. I called GA crying my eyes out, and she listened to me and never once interrupted. I needed that, I really appreciated that. I was glad she was there.

Last year about this time, I was surprised and humbled greatly by gifts of kindness and love from my friend Bratty and the Brat Family. They spent their own hard-earned dollars and made sure the kids and I did not just have a good Christmas, but an excellent Christmas. Not only did they get gifts for my children but they also purchased me a few items, as well as a couple of gift cards. As now as the saying goes, I'm paying it forward.

This year the kids and I decided to help the woman that lives downstairs from me. She has brain cancer and she's not doing very well. Her husband is 20 years younger than she is, and to be honest he's not their much. She's in her early 50s and he's about my age. I'm 31. To make matters worse he yells at her a lot, and throws her things and breaks them, just to get at her. I live upstairs, I can hear everything that they argue about, I hate it, but welcome to living in an apartment.

They have been borrowing a couple eggs here, and a handful of tea bags there. I was getting a little pissy about it, food isn't cheap ya know, but I gave anyways, believing that I was doing the right thing. About 2 weeks ago, I was making some cookies and I needed some more milk than what I had. I went down to borrow 2 cups of milk. My thinking was, "Well hell, I've given them groceries every day for the past 3 weeks, surely 2 cups of milk isn't too much to ask to borrow." When I got there, and knocked, I was let in, and then told that I could help myself to what milk she had. When I opened, the fridge there was nothing but a bottle of ketchup and some milk. I took one look and decided not to borrow the milk. However, that did give me a good idea.

A couple weeks of planning and last night, we made it possible. I got a Christmas bonus this year. I was so excited. Moreover, what I had saved in change over the past year, since Bratty's gift to me. I was going to make a difference this year. With my Christmas bonus check, I came up with 250.00. That's all of our cans and change and Christmas bonus. Last night we went to Save-A-Lot and spent 150.00 on groceries. Stocked them up with canned goods, meats, chips, cookies, soda, milk, juice, beans and more. From there we went to the Dollar Store. We got them toiletry items and cleaning supplies. We picked up some new towels and a pillow for the couch, some new candles and some small nick-knacks. We also got them a gift card for 25.00 to the Dollar Store.

What I've done isn't near monetary wise in the amount that Bratty and her family did for me. I will never forget Bratty's kindness and generosity. I wanted to make sure that I paid it forward for the help that she had given to me last year. I wanted to make someone else's holiday special. My main reason in writing this is to let Bratty know how much I love her and how much that I appreciated her kindness from last year. To let her know that I'm paying it forward, like she did when she helped me last year.

Which brings a good question to my mind? It's been almost a year since I seen Zero. Wow, have things changed. I am moving up in the world, he has fathered a baby (so I hear), the kids have grown rapidly, and I think I've finally met someone worth the time. So tonight while I'm sitting at home wrapping presents for my own children, watching the snow melt. I will know I have done something to help someone else, what a great feeling.

The Midwest has been hit by an ice storm! Yesterday they closed down where I work and then the kids were out of school yesterday and today. We really didn't do a whole lot. We hung out and watched cartoons, I made up a huge pot of beans and some honey cornbread. Needless to say we ate and ate and ate some more. We really didn't do much other than that. Beau came by about 3:30 and brought over some hot chocolate. Then we took the kids outside to play ice skating on their shoes. We had a great time. The kids swung me on one arm and then Beau on the other. Then the kids and I tackeled Beau and forced him to "eat the ice". All in all it was a great time.

I love winter, even though it's cold and icky. I love how the weather ices the trees and decorates the country side. I even love the bus ride in the weather, it makes it.. I don't know.. almost magical. Beau is really something, he really is. Sometimes he makes me so mad that I want to throttle him, but he's so cute, and smiles so sweetly that I can't stay mad for long. Oh my, I think I've met the male version of myself. ?

Yesterday, my boss brought me a list of names and told me to call these particular women and tell them that they had been invited to go visit the Vice President of the United States of America. I called my three people and none of them could attend. Now my personal opinion of Dick Cheney? Eh, he's not much use. I could care even less for the the President. However, I am thrilled at the fact that I was also asked to attend the meeting/conference. So today I got all dressed up to the nines. Hose, hair, make-up, I even shaved my legs. That is how excited I am. Excited at the prospect of being in a room with that many powerful people is a slight adrenaline rush.

I've come along way, after reading Don't comment (thanks for the way, love you guys), I realized how far I really have come. I am meeting with the Vice President, regardless of my personal feelings, I really am honored to attend.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Just my mom driving me crazy again. Wanting money, wanting this, wanting that. I told her I didn't have anything to give her. She was upset, acted like I was at fault for her issues. I began to think about why I had even looked her up in the first place. I couldn't remember for the life of me. I thought about it some more and was worried that I had confused myself. Finally, I called Lil Bit. He was there the night I met my mom after all.

He said the closest thing that he could remember is how happy my mom looked and that yes I had planned to meet her before I actually met her. For the life of me, I couldn't remember why I had contacted her. Now I regret it. Not for the questions I had in my mind, because in the past 13 years, I've had all of my questions answered. Not for the wondering what she looked like, or if I had other siblings. Because I have the answers to that too. We don't have a good relationship, I wonder if we ever really did. I tell myself I was living in a fantasy world, expecting a mother out of someone who isn't even a good mom to the kids that she raised. All four of them involved in drugs, 2 in and out of jail. Not good role models for my kids, and not at all what I wanted in siblings.

I havn't spent much time with my mom or her family lately, and I'm not feeling guiltly about it. I feel more guilty about feeling not guilty. For letting her words roll off my back, and for not taking to heart her hateful words and comments. I more had an overwhelming urge to call Lil Bit and tell him "Bit, I made a mistake". And for some reason him saying, "It's not a mistake" is just what I wanted and needed to hear. I've always held his memory in association with meeting my mom (as well as other things). Now I wonder why. Bit is a part of my past and that's for sure. We are still good friends. He can even tell when I'm upset when he calls, without me saying anything. If Bit and I still have that connection (although totally just as friends), then why can't I seem to have that with my biological mother?

This weekend Beau and I were talking. I made dinner and we watched a movie and the kids were sleeping in his room, while we hung out in the living room watching TV.

On the tube came a story about a man that lived in the middle of no where. He spoke slowly and really seemed to be amused by the television crew. The topic was something about a new zoning district being approved (I think). He really seemed to care less. In his words "I have everything I need here, why would I want to want anything else".

That really irked me. How can you not want more than what you have? I turned to ask Beau about it. He was already looking at me befuddled. Before I could open my mouth he shot me the comment "How could anyone not strive to be more or better than what they are".

Dumbfounded that he took the words right out of my mouth, I just sat there agape. He kissed me on the forehead and said "Know what I love about you?"

If my mouth could have fallen open any farther I think I would be part serpent. He said what!?!?

He said "Because you strive to be so much more. You simply do not take pleasure is maintaining, you create a life for yourself, regardless of what else is going on. You really inspire me, and I love you."

Now, if someone could pick me up off the floor please....... he loves me?!