I've got enough time for a short blog entry and thought I would sit down and bang one out.

I've been reading (like that is anything new). I've got the trilogy books of Odd Thomas. Actually, my secretary let me borrow her set. I just finished "Odd Thomas" last night. The end of the book, I had tears running down my face. I loved it. It just captured my soul as I read it. Even through his differences, he seemed real to me. I have to give kudos to Dean Koontz. He's truely a master of writing. I used to love Stephen King, but Koontz has just taken me by storm. If you get the chance, pick up Odd Thomas, it's a great read.

Well SC, as you requested.

The kids seem to like Beau. Toad of course is still pretty standoffish. However, last night, Beau came by and surprised us all with PIZZA! Now you may think that this is silly, but it's really not. A small pizza pie means a ton when you're a kid. Last night was no exception. Toad helped to set the table, while Doodle was doing his spelling homework. To be honest, I don't know where Tude was, I'm sure she was terrorizing something in the house at that time. We got the table set and I made up a quick salad and garlic bread to accompany the pizza. Bug sat at the table and Beau sat beside him. Before I knew it, Beau was quizzing him on how to spell certain words. I was shocked! Bug HATES school. Hates to read, hates to do math. Only thing he really likes is science, and he excels in that. Somehow in a matter of 20 mintues Beau had bug reading and reciting spelling words. I was very impressed ?

Finally Tude immerged, realizing that Beau was there, the first thing she did was fling herself into his lap. I don't like her doing that. Especially after what her piece of crap father did to her, I'm very hypersensitive about her being affectionate to people. Yes, I know that I shouldn't be like that, but I am like that, and I'm striving to work on it, it's just taking some time. I seem to be taking longer to get over it than her. She doesn't talk about it much anymore. Anyways, she's always happy to see Beau. She draws him pictures sometimes, and has read him a couple of books that are her favorites. I think he senses that I am uncomfortable with Tude and him, and he keeps his distance.

With Toad, well, it's a little different. After Zero's big disappearing act, Toad took it harder than any of us. In therapy it has come out that Toad looked to Zero like he would a dad. That Toad loved him as a son and expected Zero to be around. He's leary of Beau. Needless to say, he's not warming up to Beau very well. He doesn't listen to him when he talks, and he walks away from him when Beau is talking to him. I'm not sure exactly what to do. I don't want to push Beau on the kids. The smaller two really seem to like him, Toad is really not getting in the swing of things very well.

Sometimes, I wonder if maybe it's to early for Toad for me to start dating again.

"When you find out that love is all that matters in this world, that makes everything else seem so small."


Ok well you asked for it here it is. A little more information about Beau. Well he's an electrician. Works downtown at the KCPL district. That's the new district that's being built around the new Sprint center! It's SO amazing! I love going down there. Its entergetic and lively. The local news station did a bit on foot traffic in downtown Kansas City. Would you belive that the number of people moving around on foot on any given day downtown has increased over 300% within the past 2 years? I believe it. Needless to say, this is where I met Beau. I met him while waiting at a bus stop. He was working on a building across the street. He had be 'stalking" me so to speak. He said that he always knew exactly when I would be at the bus stop and he always made it a point to be working on that side of the building at that particular time. It took him almost a month to build up the courage to talk to me. After that things moved rather smoothly. We met for coffee one morning, then an afternoon lunch. Before I knew it there was a Saturday night date and breakfast the next morning. The kids have just now met him, we've been dating about 3 months I guess. I see him everyday. Everyday I am just amazed how someone like him could even be interested in someone like me. I've heard that when your falling in love, you fall in love with how that person makes you feel about yourself. I have to admit. He makes me feel like I'm a princess. Flowers delivered to work for no reason, just because he wanted to. The way he plays with my hair during a movie or a TV show. He makes me feel worth while, like I'm actually part of something bigger. I havn't really felt like this sence when Zero and I first started dating. I never felt this way with the Denny's Boy (who by the way is a daddy now ?). I have to admit I like having him around, I love the fact that he is into me. I most of all love the fact that he wears a hard hat, tool belt, work boots, and a smile. Now how sexy is that? Let me tell it, it's pretty hot. He's a loner. Not really close with a lot of his family and doesn't have a ton of friends. But the friends and family that he does have he holds dear to his heart. He's loyal and compassionate, kind and rough. All those things mixed together make for a very hot man.

Did I mention he's got a pierced tongue?

Well the beau-de-jour met the kids this past weekend. I have to admit I was terrified, especially after Zero's disappearance with the kids. I was nervous about the kids being too attached or not attached enough. Would they like him? Would they remember seeing him at the park that one time that he met us there? As an "accidental run into a friend" type of thing. However, things went really well.

Beau really hit it off with the kids. We went to his house, easier to get out of a situation that way, if something out of character happened. However, nothing bad happened. It was nice. The kids watched Transformers and while Beau and I made dinner. Tater-tot casserole. Not too shabby the way he made it either. I was impressed (or tried to be, it was only tater-tot casserole). The kids didn't get all involved in him. He had made cookies (homemade from a roll of cookie-dough) and the kids ate them up! While Tude was playing on the floor with some Barbie's that she had gotten, I was petting Beau's cat. I love cats. So cuddly. Beau had sat down next to me on the floor. I opened my mouth to warn him but it was too late.

Out of nowhere, Tude flew at him. We were technically on her "level." She laughed and launched and him like he was a pillow or stuff animal. All the while giggling and screaming in her little girl way. Beau was taken completely off guard and fell over trying to keep his Pepsi from spilling onto the carpet. By the end of the sneak attack, Beau was laying on the floor wide eyed and questioning, while Tude put her little foot in his chest and triumphantly cried "Victory is Mine!"

Yeah, perhaps I should talk to her about tackling people that she just meets. Might be in everyone's best interest!

Everything is changing. The leaves are showing their fall colors, in glorious reds, browns and oranges. People are changing what they are wearing. Long sweaters and warm comfortable pants have replaced short skirts, sleeveless shirts and strappy sandals. In the office, they have finally turned off the AC and kicked on the heaters. So now, a fan is required to keep myself from cooking from the inside out during the day. Children at school have traded little sweaters for winter jackets and hats in the mornings, and even though the temperatures are warmer than normal in the afternoons, a jacket is still required.

Everywhere I look I'm confronted with another year drawing to a close. I've made huge personal and political improvements in the past 11 months. From finding a full time job, to starting to move up in position in the company that I'm working for. The kids have also made huge improvements. Improvements in attitude and school work. They are normal kids now. No more acting out (with some small exceptions), no more out of control tempers or anger flare-ups. Schoolwork is being done and grades are improving. The kids have more friends than what I can keep up with. The Social Butterfly Ally-tude is blossoming into a fine little girl, even though she still has her mother's attitude. Toadman is happy with his new friends and is really excelling in the creative arts area. Doodle is happily drawing plans for things that he intends to build later. The newest addition is the secret underground lab underneath my dad's barn. It's where he plans to build a rocket ship and sail to the moon with Grandpa to eat some cheese.

Everyday is the same, and it's nice. The kids' dad hasn't bothered us in months now. The police refused to press criminal charges against what he did to Ally-tude, they said there wasn't enough evidence. Heartbreaking, yes, however, at least she won't have to go into details over and over again. Therefore bringing it to her mind over and over again. Maybe now she can forget it happened, and go on with being a normal little girl.

All in all that's about it for the Sorta bunch. We are moving along at a nice little clip. Everyone is doing well and everything is on the right track.

This morning while talking to my lovely little secretary she said something that really made since. Her granddaughter is the most loving little girl. Bright eyes and long hair with the baby ends that have never been cut off. She's 5 years old. Secretary is always telling her how beautiful that she is and how wonderful she is. She said that she over does it on the compliments because she wants to make sure that the little girl has a good self-esteem. It brought back up to my mind a conversation that I had with the evil-step-mother when I was a teen. I had wanted to be in cheerleading and wanted nothing more. (yes at 31 it sounds petty and rediculous, but bear with me) I was unable to. There was never a why or a how come just the fact that she said no. A couple of years later when my middle sister wanted to be in it, she was immediately put into it and there was a HUGE deal made about how wonderful that my sister was. It cut me deep at that point (along with the other things in that life) and I had asked her why. Her answer? "Well you always get big headed." That was all she said and I was so hurt by that, that I never asked her another thing about it.

As a girl I always had a very low self esteem and I always felt like the world was against me. My secretary, without knowing things about me, had said that she never got compliments or praise as a child and she grew up to marry an abusive man and that it took her years to get over that (she's now in her early 50s). She said that she sees the problem and corrects with her children and grandchildren, she's a lot like me in that way.
I don't know if maybe my evil-step-mother intentionally acted that way to me, or whether it was the hate that she felt for my father and the fact that I was a product of him and not her, or whether she really didn't like me much. What secretary said really hit home with me for some reason.

My sister RiRi and I are not on speaking terms, which is fine with me. We are on bad terms because of many many things, this just happens to be a small part of why. She defends her mother to the end (her mother is my evil-step-mother) and can not see that she's ever done wrong. She damn near worships her, and makes no bones about it. Of course in my sisters eyes I am just a terrible person and her mom is heaven sent. Maybe to her she always was, but 7 1/2 years between us has meant that we had 2 very different upbringings. It's not my place to convince her, even though I've tried for years to tell her my side of the story. I've let a lot of it go, or so I thought.
Sometimes little things that people say can really bring up past long buried memories, and shoot them to the surface like hot molten lava. I caught myself getting angry again. Angry for all of the hatefulness, the snideness, and the blatant coldness. I was even getting angry about the fact that she called me an it after I had cancer and had a hysterectomy. I was furious for telling me she didn't want to hold "that thing" when I offered to let her hold Toad when he was about 5 weeks old. I could feel the tears starting to burn the back of my eyes, and I decided to take a minute and go outside of break to smoke. Before I cried and made a complete fool out of myself at work.

While I was out there, I walked around the building trying to clear my head with the cold November air. In front of my building is a beautiful cathedral. I love that church and occasionally go to mass, even though I'm not catholic. Just to be in the presence and just to feel the complete and utter serenity of it all. Today the sign in front of the church says "When your feeling blue, look into the blue". Funny how that sign always says something to catch my eye and my heart. Immediately I cast my eyes upward to the sky. Beautiful blue sky, crisp white clouds, the sun glinting off the buildings. I felt better almost instantly. I felt the inner calmness that I do when I sit in service and watch in wonder and awe at the preacher and hear his words that always seem to be directed right at me.

Seriously, who cares how I feel about my sisters' mom. Who cares about all the hurt and deep cuts that she left on me as a child. She doesn't care, my sister doesn't care. I doubt that the evil-step-mother has thought about me in years.

Obviously, I do, but who does it help? It helps my children. It helps me to know how to love them and to treat them like they are someones special. Someones who I adore and someones who I would walk through fire for. I never tell them it's there fault that I didn't get to go to college till later in life (as has been told to me my whole life growing up). I don't blame them for my unhappiness or my anguish (as was put on my for years). I don't blame them for my problems and secretly despise them for things that they do. Nor do I put them down to everyone that they meet. When my oldest meets his dad I will not put Toad down to his real father. I will tell him wonderful things and praise Toad, because Toad is a wonderful kid. I will do these things because I love my family. My children are the world to me. As much as it hurts me that my sister is so cold hearted toward me and my children, today I made a choice. I will let her go.

Today Ri-Ri because my ? sister. I used to think that she was my sister and would be furious if anyone even suggested the fact that she wasn't my full sister. After all we were raised together we were very very close. As soon as I made that conscious decision to cut her out of my heart, I felt like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I decided that her, her mother, her grandmother, her aunt and everyone else from that side of the family were no longer going to intimidate me through memories that still burn deep. In doing that I can become a better person. A better mother, a better daughter, a better employee and a better wife/girlfriend/whatever.

Strange how one small conversation with my secretary can lead to the changing of my heart, and how one small victory in my mind, can really change the way that I perceive the rest of the world.

This quote is by one of my favorite authors. It fits into my life very well. Last night, while shmoozing at the 50% off of all CLEARANCE at Gordman's, I noticed another mom with two boys and a little girl. We got to talking. She's divorced and raising her kids alone. Just like me. I know that it's not very nice to say, but it felt good to know that I'm not completely alone in the world when it comes to this. As we were talking, her daughter punched her older boy in the arm and then blamed the younger boy (yeah who does THAT sound like!). While the younger boy whined and complained loudly, the older boy pretended to ignored the fact that the rest of us were there (now who do THEY sound like). Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder....... the little boys names were Tyler and Jared and the daughters name was Ali. At that point I began to get freaked out. We (me and the other mom) laughed about how similar our childrens' names are.

Just a moment in time, but enough to make me realize, sometimes I take life to seriously, and don't spend enough time just having a good time or a smile :) I hope you enjoy the quote, Phillip K Dick is one of my favorite authors. If you get a chance, read "Man in High Castle". It's worth the read.


Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick

Daylight savings time was this weekend. Time to "fall back" as the old saying goes. It gives way to sun rise on my way to work. This morning I picked up the "beau-de-jour" and we headed into the city. As we crossed the bridge the sun was coming up over the water. The fog that has cuddled up next to the buildings of downtown shown like gold. Illuminating the city and flashing brilliantly off of the sky scrapers and mirrored buildings. It was breath taking how the warmth of color was so powerful yet so soft. It lovingly caressed every outline of every building. Making the city stand out from all of the area surrounding. Even the new Sprint center was bathed in its adornment.

As we crossed sat in traffic talking about my kids and his kids, I wondered, could he see things the way that I do. Does anyone really see things the way that I see them. He couldn't have read my mind any better. He looked at me and whispered....

"Sometimes, looking at a sunrise is like waking up and looking into God's eyes"

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

My blogging seems to be sparadic at best anymore. If I have any readers (which I hope I still do) Happy Halloween to you all!

Last night I took the little monsters out Trick or Treating. We had too much fun! Running from house to house with little voices of "trick or treat" dancing off their little tongues. Candy by the handfull dumped into plastic bags decorated for the Halloween holiday. As we ran from house to house we came across some houses that seemed to be grouped together without lights. As we walked into those areas, we told each other ghost stories.

Toad came up with the best story. About a librarian who trapped children who didn't return their library books on time. He then put them into the "Land of Lost Books and Forgotten Children". Very creative if I do say so myself. Doodle was on a sugar high even at 4:30 this morning. Kids, Halloween, what are ya going to do. Ally-tude was a little cranking. We have started calling her little miss cranky britches. Sometimes that kid, she's cries over everything. Just like her mom probably. ;o) All in all it was a great holiday but I'm glad that it's over. Next is Thanksgiving.

What a holiday season that this is going to be!