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November 30 Snowdays Bring a Fresh Perspective!I woke up today and realized somthing. This whole thing about Lil Bit doesn't really hurt much anymore. Zero still breaks my heart a bit when I think o fhim, but Lil Bit? Eh, doesn't really bother me that much like it did. At first, I thought that it was his cruel joke, and that he was just laughing at me behind the screen. He very well may have been, but I don't care anymore. His loss. I have a pretty good little life going here, to have someone try to mess it all up. Men are too much of a headache!! UGH!! (yeah, I know I say that now, but I'm serious about Lil Bit, he can shove his grudge).
The biggest news in KC right now, is the huge winter storm from thats rolled through here. Iwas up at 4:30 watching the weather, seeing the kids' schools have already been closed. We are expecting anywhere from 3-18 inches in different parts around the area. I would love to be out at my dad's right now. Grabbing pictures of the sunrise off the back deck. Especially tomarrow, where it will be all layered in a thick blanket of snow! Later the kids and I have to get out and go to the store before it gets really really bad. I'm thinking that maybe save-a-lot will be the place to go. Every place else is all up hill. There is only 3 inches of snow on the hood of my car afterall. LOL
Yay!! Snowdays!! November 29 Ice, Wind, and RainRoad was a mess today. A cold front that dumped over a foot of snow in Colorado blasted Kansas City with a sleety mix of rain. Temps tonight are going to drop, freezing all of the wetstuff thats been drizzling all over us. To make things worse? The temps have steadily dropped all day long. The high this morning was at 6am, it's dropped enough to make it ice up everything in site. The bosses at work decided that half of us would get off today and the other half could come in late tomarrow. When temps and conditions are expected to be even worse. So I left work about 1:45 this afternoon, and walked in my front door about ten after three. Normally it takes me about half an hour to get home in rush hour from downtown, forty five minutes on a bad day. It was bumper to bumper when I left. Speeds on I35 (a major highway of kansas city) were crawling at a measly twenty five miles per hour. It was crazy. In fact we were going so slow that ice started to build up on the back windows of my car and on my windshield again, even with the heat on, it was comin down to fast and freezing too quickly. I got home and my hands were literally shaking, from the cold, but also from the constant stress of bad weather driving in the midwest. It's true ya know. If ya don't like the weather in the mid-west stick around a few days, it will change. Two days ago it was sunny and 71 degrees. I didn't even wear a coat to work, now I'm digging out hats, gloves, scarves, and getting bus change together. Tomarrow I ride the bus in to work, the conditions are supposed to be much worse tomarrow, and I don't deal well downtown KC in terrible conditions. Riding the bus, takes alot of stress off of me. I grew up driving in rual Missouri. I do well in normal rushhour. Yet, in the ice and snow and wind, I have to admit, it intimidates me a bit. Better off let the Metro do all the work for me.
So that leaves tonight, me and the kids just hangin out. Nothing to do, and no where to go. Thank God! Maybe we'll have a mini adventure. November 28 Think I've Finally Got it Under ControlI have been doing some serious work on my self control. Sometimes, I slip up, but I'm starting to catch myself more and more. I've even noticed a big change in the kids sence my latest little bout of self discovery. In this I've also started to see a change of my business attitudes. I listen more to what others have to say, instead of just blundering up the whole conversation. I talked to my boss today, asked her about applying for a different position within the company. A full time position. She even went as far to agree to ask about negotiations with the tem agency. I have to work for the temp agency for 180 hours before they can hire me full time. I told her (after I suggested it) that I had no problem with it, but if the pay was more, I'd rather ask for negotiations. She's a catty gal, and told me that she was more than willing to do that as long as I remained as dedicated and precice as I have been so far. Needless to say, I walkd out of there feeling like a million bucks.
After work, I picked up Toad from Art Club, he loves it, he's so excited to be making new friends. This weekend is the school Christmas program and pancake breakfast! I can't wait to go. Both boys are singing in it this year. I have heard nothing but these songs for the past month. LOL. Doodle even shakes his butt while singing HO HO HO! Ally-tude has started making things at school. She brings home a backpack full of little things that she's made. Stockings and pictures of red christas bulbs. It's definetly the season. Time to put up the tree, maybe we'll do that Saturday afternoon, take a drive to look at Christmas lights that night. Been a long time sence I've been able to spend some quality time with the kids.
Sidenote: Speaking of self control, I had a bout of lonliness last night that wasn't very pretty. Sometimes I really shock myself of what a blubbering cry baby that I can be. I hope that other single people go through this sometimes. It really kinda sucks. November 26 Sunday, prequel to MondayMy favorite thing to do with the kids during the Christmas season is to take the kids with me for a drive around to look at Christmas lights. We listen to Christmas music and the kids are all three in quiet awe of all of the pretty lights. I have to admit being a little sappy about certain songs that are my favorite! Tonight, on the way home, the kids and I took the long way home. Drove through BriarCliff which is a huge subdivision on the way home. Million dollar houses, and perfectly manicured lawns. Needless to say, the lights there are a class act. We even made a special point to drive by the white trash house down the street. That house gives off his own glow at christmas, even brighter than a nuclear plant!!
Today I was at SBG's house and Taladaga was helping me change the turn switch in my car. Thanks a million by the way! I was really pissy because I couldn't seem to get it to come apart right, needless to say I was furious and calling crying for help. Thankfully, he's mechanically minded and he had it fixed in less than an hour. I had fixed the over heating issues myself, and had even replaced a hose all by myself. I was so happy with myself, but I was scared to go rooting around in the steering colomn. Thank god for Taladaga. I was so grateful I bought him beer. Beer = my best friend's husband givin me a helpin hand.
We watched American Haunting, which I have been wanting to see. Take my advice, it's a terrible movie. It's all about sexual molestation, it started out ok, but then, it just got creepy. By the end of it I was disgusted with myself to sit through the whole movie. It's a waste of time and money! Even though I was clueless to it's content when I watched it, I felt dirty just sitting there. UHG!!
Jessica-
Thanks for the heads up about Chris the bald headed sexy stallion man. I don't really like the show Prison Break, but hell, if he's singin, I'll check out the sound track!! You just left your name, do you blog? First time reader?
Lucy-
I miss you, where are you!! November 25 Did you know I love American Idol?Every Saturday afternoon, American Idol is on. It's actually American Idol Rewind. It's the singers from the beginning. From their first audition. Watching the raw proformer is just awesome. To see the unleashed wonder and the nievity of the attitude. My favorite winner of American Idol is Kelly Clarkson. I've been watching her debute into the "biz". I had no idea but she hit it right off with the judges. I did some research on her. Check out what I found.
She was raised in a small town. She was on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and was a waitress at a comedy club before American Idol. Simon didn't like Kelly Clarkson. Even though she had won Fox's American Idol contest in Dallas. She went from a waitress to a dream making star. I know that her songs have gotten me through the hardest parts over the past few years, others must feel the same way.
Ryan Starr was someone else that I really watched during that competition. I thought she was the perfect "angry girl song" performer. She was raw, untamed, and was easily inclinded to cry. She damn near always cried. It gave her look a pleasing pouty look. I thought she was great! She now runs her own fashion line! I'd believe it too. Her style is completely her own. At first when I seen her, I thought her features were too large, then I noticed, she's a big gal. Not fat just tall! It all fits in together very well when the camera is pointed on her.
Also I have to admit, that I think that the last American Idol should have been Chris Daughtery. Taylor Hicks is a lounge singer, however Katherine McPhee had the right look. They both are good singers, but Chris Daughtery had the competition wrapped up. I really do think that there is some fudging of points there, but who am I? Obviously not anyone special in the pop world.
Sometimes, when I'm driving home from work, I pretend to be the next American Idol. The closest that I'll ever get is the mic at the Depote~. To see the ambition in their eyes though. I've stood outside of an American Idol line before. Not to audition, not really even knowing what the line was for. Drawn by the voices. Hundreds if not thousands. It would have been the one where Kelly Clarkson won. It just makes me feel her music a little more. CORPORAL CLINGERMy baby birds are as big as the parent birds now. The oldest one, I think that she's a female... Her name is Belle, there are two darker baby birds. One of them is getting the orange on his cheeks, showing that he is a male. His name is Jack Sparrow, however, I thought the other dark baby was also a male, turns out, I think that the baby is a female. There for the name Hawk-Eye Pierce isn't going to work. So I'm thinking maybe Clinger! Seems to fit just fine.
I also have two more eggs in the nest. Both of these eggs have made it for 2 weeks now, they are starting to turn gray. I need to get them a new cuttle stone, they are doin good on millet. I wouldn't mind getting another cage and maybe having another set of baby birds. I also boiled up some eggs and cut up a strawberry for the birds. They so love their people food. The babies were fighting each other off of the food. Finally the adults swooped down on top of the babies and broke it up. My birds have such great personalities. November 24 Blundering Through ThanksgivingI had to let Thanksgiving set in for a night so that I could digest not only my food, but also the day. Woke up, and realized I really really missed my kids. I havn't seen them in forever. With working all day, and then getting them from the sitter, by the time we eat dinner and go through backpacks, its time for bed. Of course they never just jump up with angelic faces saying "ok mommy, goodnight, I love you more than sunshine and roses!" They have to shove one of their siblings while they are all brushing their teeth, or stealthly conive the third sibling to beat up on the first one. Having three kids is always an adventure (as I'm sure you all have figured out by now). When I woke up yesterday morning, I called the kids and headed over there to their dad's house. Where they had been sence the night before. With three little juice pouches and a Black Friday newspaper, I headed over to the Smacktard's house. The kids were thrilled to see me, jumped up off the couch from the Macy's Day Parade and I was damn near knocked over, literally, from the huge rush of huge hugs from little bitty bodies. In years I hugged them back swaying from side to side telling them "I missed you more than anything!" And it was the honest to god's truth. I felt like I hadn't seen them in weeks, I swear Ally-tude grew another couple inchesjust over night. So the kids shut the door behind them, and had me sit on the front porch while they were telling me all about their night and how school had been the day before. The door opened and I looked up, and there was a girl there. She's about 22 or 23 long beautiful brown hair, and these amazing green eyes. She actually looks a little like my Jenn. She smiled and she had a very easy smile, she knew who I was and was ok with it. Which made my life SO much easier. Smacktard has had other live in girlfriends that have hated me with a passion. I smiled and stood up and introduced myself, and behind her came running another little girl. Apparently her child. Little girl was prolly, 2 or 3. She ran in and out so fast that I barely got to see her mop of red curls. She was simply adorable. Ally-tude ran for Smacktard's g/f and hugged her. For a second I almost reached out to tell her to stop hanging on her, but the girlfriend simply reached down and picked her up and then immeadiatly toted her to her hip. I was impressed. She was very at ease with the kids, and they seemed to adore her. When I walked in to see the kids' room (they had a new toy) I seen Smacktard sitting on the couch, very comfy like. He looked up then looked back down, reading the paper, getting his Black Friday ads together. The entire house was very calm. I was very pleased, nothing worse than high stress with kids involved. I stayed prolly 15 mintues, the longest I think that I've ever stayed. Would you believe that Smacktard even smiled and said nice to see ya again? WOW!!! I really like this new g/f!!
From there I went to my dads. Dreading all the family that was going to be there, and feeling lost without the kids. My dad got snookered, my uncles tried to one up him intentionally causing a scene. Gramma (70 years old now) in tears telling them to quit fighting in the house that they were family. So what did the three brothers do? They took it out back. Backyard is 11 acres, so they went to the fence. I stood there on the deck with a drink of my own, watching the three boys argue back and forth. All three of them lookin like prized roosters. It suddenly reminded me of my three kids. I noticed Grandma had walked out to the deck too, and was watching the fury below, listening to muffled voices. I walked over to her, and put a hand on her shoulder. She walked away from me, and sat on the bench. I joined her. Taking a seat on the opposing bench. I made a mention of kids, they never grow up. She asked me what "the girl's name" was again. Talking about Ally-tude. I told her and she asked how old she was now. I told her four and a half. She looked me in the eye, startling me for a second, and she said "I never had as much trouble with my three boys and your dad did with you three girls" (talking about me and my 2 sisters I was raised with). She could have reached out and slapped me, it would have been alot less painful. She stood up without another word, and walked into her house. I looked out to see my uncle doging a blow from my dad. I waited a few minutes then walked inside myself. To hear my grandmother telling one of the family friends. GA's daughter over there? She's a senior in highschool, and she's head cheerleader too! I walked into the kitchen to see that everyone had begun to eat. I went to yell at dad that dinner was done, the men were out there talking now. Fighting had ceased. I walked back in to see all 5 of GAs daughters and their prospective others, and was suddenly surprized at how big they were. Almost all grown. For some reason, that made me get misty eyed (jesus all I do is cry now adays), I grabbed my plate and got some grub. Shoved it down and then went to the kitchen and arranged dishes and washing up what could be washed already. I seen my dad walk in the kitchen, as I was finishing up the first set of dishes, and he walked for the freezer and took out an unopened bottle of whiskey. I automatically thought, fifteen minutes. I have fifteen minutes. I walked back into the living room, and lit a cig and sat in an unoccupied chair and watched the rest of the family. No one asked me where the kids were, I didn't tell them. No one asked me about them, no one seemed to notice me there. That was perfectly ok with me. I'm more than content to like them have their family get together. Done with my cig, got a fresh can of Pepsi, picked up my purse then polietly told my dad's g/f how great dinner was, and shook my uncle's hand and hug my grandmother before I left. As I was walking out to the car my uncle ran after me and asked how RiRi and the new baby was. Finally, someone was talking about somthing that was important to me. I oooed and ahhhhed over MyYourBaby and he seemed satisfied that RiRi was happy, and that was all that mattered.
I left then with my uncle waving to me. I took a gravel road out just as I had comin in. I hit the highway and headed home. I got to about 10 mintues outside O-ville (a tiny tiny tiny town between R-town and KC) and noticed the heat gauge in my car was over to HOT! I pulled it over immeadiatly, then pulled out my cell phone and turned it on. I was in a pocket of area that didn't have service. I'm between two tiny towns, and I'm about in the middle, surrounded by nothing but empty fields. So I open the hood and look around, nothing out of the ordinary. I sit there for about 30 mintues and then start it back up, turn on the heater and try to make it home. I had to pull over 5 times to let the car cool down a bit so I could make it home. Took me in all about 3 hours to make a 45 mintue trip home. Discouraged and disgusted, I turned off the highway, trying to limp it home.
As I was going through Northtowne I noticed a Caddy pulled over with its flashers on, thinking, wow even nice cars have car problems. Running hot I pulled over again, and had to be right in front of him before the bridge began. As I sat there in my car smoking a cig, I noticed the man outside his car. I watched him, I'm so nosey. He was handing another man somthing, hugged him, got into his car and left the other man standing onthe side of the road. The other man began walking my way, and I slunk back into my seat, immeadiatly noticing the straggly homeless man with his dog walking toward me. He walked past my car, and I let out a sigh of breath I didn't know I had been holding, for some reason homeless people freak me out. He went to the side of the bridge, and walked on the other side of it. He lit a flashlight and I seen the top of a tent pitched under the bridging area. He went home to eat a plate a goodies that a good Samaritan had stopped to give him. I was very suddenly very thankful for my kids that I never seem to get to spend time with, and for my family, no matter how disfunctional. For my car, even though it would barely get me home, and most of all, for all the things that I take for granted for all the time. It took a homeless man, a man in a Caddy, and an old mangey dog to remind me, the true meaning of Thankgiving. November 22 Thanksgiving EveI've been working so much lately, that I havn't really had anything else other than work to blog about. Nothing positive anyways. When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself to try to keep it positive. So I'm working hard on that.
This will be my first holiday without the kids. They are all at their dads' house right now as we speak. Tomarrow morning, I will make the trek to R-Town, to visit my dad's house for Thanksgiving. I wonder if I should walk in and say "Hey where's the liquor!" LOL, thats what my dad did at my wedding (I could have shot him!). Eh, no use being a bitch about it I suppose. Christmas is a month away, I havn't even STARTED shopping yet. I think I'll have a partial paycheck that I won't have to pay bills with. I can't wait to go shopping from Santa!
I was thinking digital cameras would be great to put in their stockings. I also am going to make them all hats and gloves. I've got plenty of yarn left. Also, the boys want kinds of candy. I have noticed that Toad's gameboy has broken though, one of the buttons doesn't work anymore. The gameboy is a constant battle of boy-children. Perhaps I should look into getting Doodle one of his own, and taking Toad's to the gameboy doctor. We'll see, I've got alot of ideas.
I need to think of a Christmas craft for the kids to do. I was thinking maybe making a faux fireplace. Some boxes colored to be bricks, and then hang the stockings on the faux mantel! Or maybe I can find a guy with a really big foot and make footprints on the carpet (ugh that would be a mess though). If ya have ideas? Throw them out! November 20 The Bus StopI was stuck in Northtowne today, in another bout of endless construction. They seem to be never ending, anyways. A group of people had caught my eye, as they were waiting for the bus. A mother with 3 small children, all toddling around; a man with a brown coat on, carrying the world on his back; a couple of black males, that obviously knew each other; and a very large woman, her stubby legs barely visable under her massive midsection. The kids were playing in the fallen leaves, kicking them at each other, and grabbing big handfulls to launch to an unsuspecting victim, usually one of the siblings. Occassionally, one of them would scream, diverting the mother's attention from the 2 men she was talking to.
The old man, was just standing there, looking off into the distance to roads untravelled, seeminly oblivious to the traffic jam up he seems to be standing just to the side of. His face was weathered, and I wished, again, that I had my camera with me. His hair was matted, and he seemed to be wearing every shirt that he owned. His face had lines etched in steel, and a prominant scar slashed down his right cheek, making him look almost like a dot to dot puzzle that I used to play with as a child. His entire world on his back, I wondered if he had found a discarded bus pass, or maybe if he got one from the City Union Mission. As he stood there he rocked rythmically to a beat that possibily only he could hear.
My gaze last landed on the large woman, holding up a ceder tree, very uncomfortable looking I might add. Her stumpy legs looked ready to give out at any moment, she wobbled occassionally, always reaching for the sticky tree trunk for balence. She had a many bags of groceries at her feet, she was careful not to get anywhere near them, maybe fearing a tumble into the waiting car logged street?
The two black men, both needing belt to hold up their over sized britches, were both talking to the black mother now. They all three had an animated conversation. The two men shoving on each other playing and like, while the woman looked to be enjoying every moment of attention. All eyes were focused on her. As I watched, both men seemed to lose interest quickly when the woman's children became a little rowdy. Graduating to rocks, instead of leaves.
Finally, the traffic was moving again, and I moved on. November 19 Wow, think I slept enough?I've slept all weekend, 12 hours Friday/Saturday, and 10 hours Saturday/Sunday. Must have been pretty tired I guess. I really have nothing to blog about because I've slept the whole weekend away. I'm at my SBG;s house (cause she has cable and stuff) and everyone else is still asleep.
I did talked to Zero several times this week. Somtimes, even though we aren't technically together, I really miss him. I think he really misses me too. I told him about Lil Bit and how everything panned out, he told me he was sorry and that he knows how much he meant to me at one time. When he said it, it made me cry, Zero was (and still is to an extent) my best friend. I told him everything. He said that we can't control how other people act and react, all I can do is to just keep my chin up and try not to think about it. My sister thinks I'm depressed. Eh, she may be right a bit. I havn't had much of a bounce lately. Then again, my sister is always worried about me, so this is nothing new. LOL.
Everything is seeming to weigh on me lately. Holidays are upcoming and I know that its going to be alone that I face them, without the kids, I don't know how great of a holiday it's going to be. The hope I was holding to see Lil Bit over Christmas is gone too. He hasn't spoken to me sence I found out about him and Sherry. Guess he's embaressed or somthing, too bad, we could have been friends at the least. So thats weighing on me too. Zero wants to come down some afternoon, I'm not sure how much that is going to help, might actually make me feel worse.
Sometimes, I wonder whats wrong with me November 18 Lazy SaturdayLast night, I was up till about 2:00am. I finally fell asleep after 2:15ish. I woke up at 1:00 this afternoon. I slept 12ish hours. I've been draggin ass all day. Just being lazy. Curled up with a blanket watching movies. Good day for it. It's colder outside now. Frost on the windshields in the mornings. Grass is green still but not the rich green shade that summer time can bring. The leaves are almost all gone from the trees, and Thanksgiving is next week.
I'm supposed to go to my dad's house for Thanksgiving. My grandmother is in town from Oregon, they are saying she may not be making another trip. So this may be the last time I get to see her, might make the best of it. She makes the best biscuts in the world. Flakey and buttery. I'm a pretty good cook, but I make hockey puck biscuts. Hard as a rock, bust your teeth out if you take a bite.
My sister just called (she talked to SBG). RiRi said I was depressed. Jezzzzeee... somtimes that kid.....
Time for another movie, I'm happy to be out of the house!! Yay!! I love a mommy weekend!! November 17 Is it Friday already?!?Wow is this week over already? Seems like it was just Monday yesterday! Talk about a roller coaster week, its Friday night, groovy. Some of the girls from work invited me out with them tonight, but I didn't go. As much fun as it would be, I really just wanted to hang out here at the house. Smacktard picked up the kids at 5:30, I waved till they were turned the corner, and then turned around and walked into my apartment. The silence wasn't as deafening as it has been other times after the kids leave. I sat down and checked emails, smoked a cig, then started picking up house. I can't believe how much I can get done without the kids under foot. Normally, this time on Friday night, I'm depressed or camping out on SBG's house, not able to take the quiet, too many thoughts running through my head. Not so this time though. I've got the radio player goin, taping my foot, humming along.
I feel really good about my job. I really liked my last job at Reasearcher, but toward the end of two weeks when I started noticing the inner office workings, then I wasn't too impressed. This job is different kinda. I go in, print up my batches, and then start entering them into a demographic sheet. Charges are even earier than that, it's putting ICD9 codes with corresponding CPT codes, and then sending it on to the next department. So basically, I can plug into a book on tape or the radio and just cruise right along. I got my error reports back this afternoon for this week. I had a 2% error rate. That earned me a compliment from the office manager. With that and 2 bucks I can buy a beer at the Depot! How much is a beer at the Depot? It's about 2 bucks. LOL. Anyways, I'm sure it will get old. Not using my brain just typing all day long, but I have to admit, sometimes a mindless job isnt' so bad. I thought about getting some french language books on tape. I used to be pretty good at reading it, my speaking was really damaged, but I could read and write it. Perhaps learning somthing wouldn't be so bad while working, who knows stranger things have happened.
Another terrific drive home too. Sun was shimmering behind the skylight again. Not a cloud in the sky, just a cold gray sky. It was magnificent. I didn't sing as loud as I did yesterday, and when I tried, my voice cracked, it wasn't a good singing day. Today was a listening day. I didn't really talk to many people today. K______ asked me if I was ok, I said yeah, she said you look deep in thought, but seriously I wasn't. I just didn't have much to say.
Next week is Thanksgiving, short work week, and my first holiday without the kids. I'll have them Christmas eve, but then they go to their dads for a whole week while he takes them to S. Dakota to visit family. I'm so not looking forward to that. I've gotten pretty used to my little crew, they grown on ya after awhile. From Toadman moods, to DoodleBug contraptions, to Ally-tude- the tude. But thats a month away, I won't think of that right now. November 16 Somedays are like Sunshine to the SoulFirst off, I owe a HUGE apology to Superchick, I keep calling her Jenn. SC has a blog that I love to read. However, I can never seem to leave a comment, the pop up window hates me. I know which blog is hers and which is Jenn's but for some ungoldy reason I kept calling her Jenn when I would leave a comment for her here, I am so very sorry. BTW...... SC did you finish that 6pack...? Sounds like a very relaxing night. Speaking of Jenn's I talked to my Jenn today. Her birthday is Saturday and we are going to go grab some grub and chill around the house this weekend. It will be good to see her again, we had an arguement a couple years ago, and I think that time has healed alot of old wounds, she makes me laugh and takes my mind off everything. She's great to hang around with. I might have her bring her camera, take some pics. Another note. Hey Don't? Someone hopped to my blog from your very first blog entry and went through every single one of my blog entries. I read it on my statistics page. Whoever was reading my blog, thanks! Hope you comment often! I really enjoy comments and I've met many many interesting people through blogging. I hope to hear from you at some point. Don't be like my Lucy stalker (just kidding Luce). Lucy had been reading my other blog for a long time, she found it in a DoubleCross room that I play in. She never commented, and when I deleted that blog, she had no idea what happened to me. She went to Zero's blog, and left a message for me there. Finally, she found me again, through double cross (where my blog addy is posted in my profile) and then we started chatting. She's an awesome gal! We are really kindered spirits, we could almost be sisters we think alike so much (even though my head gets to spinning sometimes). Today was actually an excellent day. I was very productive at work, I got alot accomplished. It had really piled up on me being at home with Ally-tude yesterday. I finished an entire batch (which is about 1500 EOB's) and was pleased to have enough time left over to sit with someone else, who was doing a different job. Hey the more you can learn the better I say. Beats sitting there twiddling my thumbs for half an hour. Traffic was excellent today, no back ups, no crazy people on the road (other than me). Driving scares the hell outta me, especially downtown in rush hour, I work almost in the middle of it, it can get hairy trying to get to work or come home. If it wouldn't take me an hour and a half to ride the bus to work, I'd do it in a heartbeat. All the way home I cranked up the radio and switched it to my favorite hip hop station. For a 15 mile trip it takes me about 35 minutes to get home in all the stop and go construction of the downtown loop. which for people not living in kc thats the top way road system leading into north of the river (where I live). So sitting on I35 on the bridge and I'm really getting into a Beonce song, "you must not know 'bout me". Its one of my favorite songs right now. There are a few songs that I can sing, and thats one of them. Anyways, I'm jamming. I'm giving the world hell. My only free time in the day is when I'm in the car, and my drive home is strictly MY time. I'm dancing in my seat, and I've taken my hair down, I wore it up (kinda) today. I hit the last wavering note of the song, and look out across the river, that I'm stuck in traffic above, and there is a beautiful sunset setting right behind the northern part of downtown. It was breath taking, all the wind swept clouds caught up in a pallet of amazing purples, pinks, and oranges. I'm on the inside lane so I'm looking out the drivers side window in utter awe and the totally unubstructed view. The next song was Christina Agulara, her new one, I can think of the same of it now. For some reason, her smooth buttery voice, combined with the lyrics, had tears rolling down my face. Coupled with the amazing sky, I was truely humbled by everything right in the world. Traffic finally moved again, and I was shimmying down the highway to pick up the kids from the sitters. I wish I wouldn't have broken my camera. I could have literally stepped out of the car, onto the bridge and snapped pictures for a good five minutes, while we were standing in traffic, with nothing else to do. I also might mention, me and three other cars seem to be on the same schedule. One guy is a terrible no picker, always rooting around in a nostril, driving an old farm pick up, maybe about 45. I call him "the gold digger". One is a car full of mexicans, I think it's the same group of people, but I can't be forsure. I know the car though, licience plate says "homiez". The other car is driving by a white woman. She has brown hair, and sharp angeled features. She listens to gospel and doesn't not approve of abortion. I call her the "Life is not a choice" lady. I really like this job. I normally don't have a problem sitting in and making friends or networking with others. I'm very outgoing and I have been told that I'm easy to talk to. So I guess that makes me an okay person. Yet I digress. I got through traffic so smoothly today that I even had time to stop and get a french vanilla cappy. What a sinful treat those are, give you a big butt, but they are YUMMY! For those of you that have never been to a QT? You're really missing out. I stopped out front and paid for my gas at the pump, and then I headed inside to get my cappy. As I walked inside a gentleman opened the door for me, and smiled, kind of a flirty smile. I smiled back, and thanked him. As I stood there getting my cappy and putting on the lid, there was a guy standing beside me putting a lid on his fountain soda. He said hi and smiled and then stood behind me in line and we chatted about the weather. As I paid for my coffee is was rung up at the same time. I walked out with him right at my heels. We chatted for another second or two, then we both got into our cars and drove off. I seriously felt like I was on top of the world. Everything seemed to be going right. I picked up the kids, and then we walked across the drive home. Toadman got an E on his math test, accompinied by a Jolly Rancher candy taped to the paper, and TWO stickers from his teacher! Doodlebug has anew best friend, he's been really lonely sence Best Buddy moved away to Lee's Summit. He misses him alot, but they talk on the phone often. Ally-tude has finally tied her shoes all by herself! She's been working on that for a long time now. Her fingers just wouldn't seem to work right. We have all had a spectacular day. So much in fact, I read to them tonight, while they colored in their coloring books. We havn't done that in forever. It's about time I had a good day, I'm ready to have a whole lot more. November 15 The End of Lil BitTonight, actually just a few mintues ago, I found out that SBG had emailed this Sherry person. SBG called me at home and read me an email that Sherry had sent her (sbg had sent her an email first). So was Lil Bit playing two girls at the same time? Well depends on how you look at it. They apparently broke up in July. They both harbor very strong feelings for each other, it seems to be a situation like me and Zero. As much as we love each other, the distance was just too great. Seems like they are going throught that themselves. Apparently, he told her that he tossed the idea of me and him around, but quickly decided against it. Did that hurt? Yeah, it did, but not near as much as thinking that I was "the other woman", that about killed me. He did try to call tonight, but I was at the grocery store and wasn't here to take the call, and he didn't leave a message.
Am I still hurt and angry? Hurt? Maybe a tad bit, he apparntly didn't care for me the same way that I care for him, but thats ok, it's part of what makes me who I am. Somtimes, taking the chance and dreaming a bit isn't a bad thing. Do I think I'll talk to him much? Eh, who knows, maybe an email here or there. I really feel bad for this Sherry girl, she does seem very sweet, and it's obvious that she loves him very much. Lil Bit just didn't know how to tell me that he didn't care for me, I guess that in itself isn't such a bad thing. Talk about feeling stupid though, perhaps I should shut this whole computer thing down for awhile, it really seems to cause problems in my life, especially when I have enough going on without getting caught up in someone else's broken heart.
I don't know if we'll talk anymore, in a way, I feel led on. I guess it will sit with him now, he does owe me some type of explanation to this. At least to hear it from him, it's only fair. Who knows the mind of a man, I sure don't. To be honest? Unless I gave birth to them, I don't have the obligation to any of those penis carrying people. I did everything that I thought was right. I have no regrets, I did exactly what my heart told me to do.
I did take him off of the whos who list, as well as deleted him from my myspace friends list, last thing I want is more drama. I hope things work for them, I refuse to be lead on again though. I always felt some guilt and some misgiving about the way things ended before, but I really believe in righting wrongs and making up for past mistakes. I feel that I have done that now, and I finally don't have the guilt or the burden anymore. I have paid my debt, no need to beat myself up about it anymore. As SC said, everything happens for a reason. In a way, I feel relieved, now I can feel right about going on with what i do everyday, and living my life like I should. By being mom to 3 great kids. Nursemaid Mommy3am....... there was a cry.... "Momma!" Then the inevitable heave and hurl. Ally-tude has the stomache flu. Poor baby angel :( She slept with me after that, so of course I didn't sleep. Ready to dodge a vomit comet at any moment. So needless to say, I had to call into work, school won't take her and the sitter won't take her. I called the Smacktard, but it sounds like he's been out on a bender, no way in hell that I'm going to let him watch her.
As the boys got on the bus, Ally-tude said from the couch........ "Just me and mommy" then she heaved again. Poor little thing. Look for vomit stories later. November 14 Sorta: Off a BeatI finally did get some sleep. It was after 2:00am but I plugged in a book on tape, and fell asleep before hearing the first chapter all the way through. I woke up this morning and called SBG, I told her everything. She listened like best friends do, and then got onto Sherri's space and looked. She was floored, she said she never would have guessed he was like that. I didn't feel so bad then, as crazy as that seems. People do change after all, just because I've changed for the better doesn't mean that everyone has, never know, maybe Bob Berdella was a sweet and mild mannered ten year old. Sheesh where was I again? Oh yeah,
I took a shower hot enough to boil a layer of skin off, nothing worse than feeling dirty. YUCK-O!! Then I soaped down one more time. I have to admit, I've felt a little cheap in this, I've never been "the other woman" before, never would I ever condone that type of behavoir, I learned long ago (with Lil Bit in fact) that there is no room for being unfaithful, I'm very loyal. Needless to say, the shower was hot long and felt awesome! I got out of the shower and put on my favorite pretty work dress, hose, and even wore my satin thong with it's matching bra! I was dressin to be a diva today. Today was a new day and I'd be damned to let anyone, no matter what, not Zero, not Lil Bit, not even the bitch that damn near rammed into me on the bridge this morning. No one. I walked to my desk and clocked in, grabbed the book on tape from last night and let it rewind while I got my coffee.
When I got to the coffee room, I suddenly felt like everyone could see right through me, they knew how insecure I was feeling, and how vulnerable that I was. People smiled and were nice, but I felt like there was a spot light aimed on me. I got my coffee as quick as I could and zoomed out of there like my shoes were on fire. In fact I tripped right over the bald IT guy (danger Will Robinson danger!) who was bent over fixing a computer with his feet hanging out in the aisle. I did manage to save my coffee. I got to the "room" that I work in and went to go to my desk, and K______ the girl that works next to me flew out in front of me, scaring me, causing me to spill a couple drops on her "new white shirt" she was showing off. White silk shirt. Guess where the coffee went? You got it, two drops right on the boobs on course. Isn't that where all the stains in up? Keep in mind the girls I work with are very stong minded black women. They make no bones about it, I thing the culture difference is kinda cool. I sit there sometimes and listen to them talk while they think I've got my headphone turned up, they crack me up! Yet I digree, more on them another time.
I feel terrible and she immeadiatly starts dabbing at the stains with a tissue, someone gave her some type of spray stuff and she was cleaning up. I told her how sorry I was, and asked if any burned her, it was no big deal in the end, but I still felt bad. Told her I'd get her a pop at lunch or somthing, she told me not to worry about it, so I didn't. I sat down and set the coffee cup, thinking man what a day, totally missed the desk and dumped it right into my left leg. I jumped up and back knocking into the same IT guy who was walking down my aisle, yes the bald one that looks like Zero if you must know, and he caught me, keeping me upright so I didn't cause the domino effect, knocking people over aisles and aisles away.
So here I am with all these people looking at me, hot coffee burning the hose that I wore and feeling the bottom of my foot getting wet. I must have looked hilarious to anyone else but me. He stood me up, and smiled then he walked on, and then one lady started to laugh, then it was contagious everyone started laughing. Everyone but me. I was mortified. Trying to hard to make a good impression, trying to find a loop hole in the company. On very little sleep, and messed up head, I really wanted the floor to open me up and swallow me. I smiled, or tried to. I could feel the tears coming, AGAIN. I made it to the ladies room and got to the stall and sat on the potty and wiped my eyes, trying to take deep breaths. I immeadiatly wanted to grab my purse and head to the door, hell be damned, I'm NOT going back out there!
Suddenly the door was almost ripped off the hinges. It was the three girls that sit around me in their own little cubicals. One with a tissue, one with a drink of water, and one pulling me out of the stall and by the sink to get some cold water on my face. The one with the tissue incidentally was handing me the tissue that she was trying to take the coffee off her shirt with. All three of them talking, asking me whats wrong, calling the girls that were laughing names and such. I was amazed that they were there. I just sat there lookin at them like they had sprouted wings and flown around the room. The three of them were treating me like one of them. I got my hose dried (thank god they dried fast, and we all went out to grab a smoke. The three of them finally broke me down and I told them about what I had seen. Of course we all talk about our familes and I told them I'm not really dating, I just kinda like of like a guy who is away right now, but he'll be back maybe. I didn't go into details, just really kind of blew over it trying to appease them.
One of the girls said, "Girl, havn't you got it figured out by now? Sugar daddy baby." I almost died, what was wrong with the world. I told her "I dont' know who you think I am, but I am so not like that." I thought she'd get mad, and to be honest my temper was a little short. This girl almost fell over laughing. Apparently, the talk is, about me, is that I'm part black. My hair is so kinky curly that I use black people products in my hair. It has a distinct smell, they could smell it, so they just assummed. Now why that brought up that conversation I have no idea, in fact it weirded me out for a sec. LOL. We all went back upstairs, because it's 8:45 by now, one of the other girls had cleaned up my coffee mess, and I was doing demo entries while people would walk by and smile at me like I was a wounded animal on exhibit (which is just as bad as laughing). I shrugged them off, plugging into my book on tape.
Book on tape was about a man who was married, then meets his highschool sweetheart, and the part where I shut it off, they were talking about how much they had missed. Sometimes, I wonder if God hates me. I had no idea that audio book was like that. Hell it has a bloody knife and a shadowy figure behind some trees! I had no idea! It just looked interesting! I ended up just tuning into Johnny Dare ( www.989therock.com or www.corporateradiosucksass.com ) and he ended up really making me feelin much better. Next thing I knew I was into the mid-day radio shows and forgetting about the time.
I felt a touch on my shoulder and turned around, my three neighboring cubbies had went to Chipolte, and they had brought me back a chicken burritto!! YUM-O!! So we all sat and ate lunch together. I listened to them tease each other, and how they would gang up on each other. I sat back and listened and laughed and smiled. It felt really good to be thinking about somthing other than my own very tired little mind. I made it through the rest of the day.
Got home and Lil Bit had called my homephone, and then had called the cell phone, which was forgotten in the morning madness. I couldn't really understand what the message said on my cell phone, he was mumbling. I did catch that he would call me later. I won't hold my breath. I doubt he'll call again tonight. I also talked to my sister and told her what I had found out, and she was shocked too. Her words? Wow, I never would have guessed him like that.
So ends the long day after a hard night. I think tonight I'll sleep like a baby, I already have a killer headache, just waiting for the last little angel to fall asleep, before I head there myself.
Jenn? Luce? Thanks girls. I don't know what to say Jenn, I guess you'd have to see his comments to her to understand. It's really apparent. Luce? Thanks about Toad, he's really excited, now that I'm working I don't get to talk to you during the day :( We'll have to catch up on a weekend sometime. Sunday night at 9:00pm, Double Cross....... be there, or be square :P BLINDSIGHTED!I've heard tale of story book romances, how magical they can be. I have to admit, I harbored a fantasy about that with Lil Bit some day. He said somthing to a friend of mine (that I just found out about, mind you) when he said somthing with "I don't want to have missed my chance with her", speaking about me. I had even asked if he was seeing anyone, he told me no. I have always loved him, he was my first love. I thought maybe at some point we'd have that again, even though all the missed years. Right now, he's in Iraq, doing his "job" serving his country. I'm so proud of him, for the way he has turned out, growing up to be a true man. Honest, brave and true.
I missed him a bit tonight, and how we would talk, so I was going through his myspace page. There is a girl named Sherri, I hadn't seen her, so I looked at her page. He had written that he loved her, couldn't wait to see her AND the kids. Something about fixing her bed for more stability. It hurt more than I ever thought it would. I couldn't breathe when I seen it. Like the air had been sucked out of my lungs with a high powered vaccuum. I had been had. To be honest, I got offline and cried, calling myself every name in the book for letting a past interer with my present or my future. Thats when it dawned on me, story book romances are just that, story book. There is no thing as loving someone forever, maybe I had just thought more of the memory than the man that I thought was so wonderful.
Years ago, when I walked out, I felt such tremendous guilt. To the point where I pushed him out of my mind as much as possible, learning how to grow up and live another life. When we started talking again, I felt like this was a chance to pay him back for leaving like I did. To right a wrong I had committed. I took pictures for him. I made sure that he had somthing of his family to take with him, even if it was only a webpage. I know it meant so much to him, and I'm glad that I could provide that, and that I have a talented best friend who helped out just the same.
There is a reason I don't date. It's so that I don't get caught up in man drama. Lil Bit was a fantasy, something that I always wanted to happen, but never will now. We are even. Perhaps, I should get some marshmellows and toast them over the smoldering pages of my story book romance. Right now, I'm a little unsure of what to think. Why lie to me? Now that I know what a lier he is, what else did he lie to me about? Did he lie when he said I was beautiful, or that he thought of me over the years? Whats worse... I don't know why he lied. I'll probably never know. I lvoed Zero very much, Lil Bit has always held a special place in my heart. Of all people to lie to me, and to betray my trust, why Lil Bit. Maybe it's better I don't know, all men are liers, all men are cheats, all men use whatever they can to their advantage. He did grow up into a man after all.
I can't sleep, I've tried, I keep rolling over to cry some more, feel rediculous the entire while. I got up and looked out the window for a bit, hoping to see some type of ghetto show, nothing. Tried to watch TV, didn't help. I just keeping thinking how gullible I was to get caught up in a "ladies man" trap. I don't know what to do. Do I walk away again? Leave it all behind and forget I ever talked to him again? Do I overlook his lieing to still be his friend? He said he likes me as a friend, then again, he lied. How can I be friends with someone who lied about somthing like that. I keep thinking it over and over in my head. Maybe I should just forget about any of it, maybe, then again, I think too much. November 13 Nome de ToadmanToadman has really been trying hard at school. He turned in all his homework last week, and avoided a missing assignment today at school! Yay!! Now that halloween is over, the teachers are starting to send home all the festive things that they did during school. Today, Toadman's writing project came home, he was given a picture of a haunted house. The teacher wrote "The House on Maple Street" on the otherside, and then told the class, create me somthing. Many children colored in it many different ways. One child even made the house into a 3-D object making makeshift trees out of paper it was really amazing actually. They had one hour to complete the project.
Toadman was one of the children who wrote a story. Below is his story, spelling and gramical errors included (truth be known he spells better than I do). Without futher adieu...........
The House on Maple Street
It was the perfect lift-off, the honted house.
My family is doing a dare at honted house. The dare was to stay at the house for one hole day and night. We left home at 6:30am. and got to the honted house at 12:00pm. "We got our suplis (supplies maybe?) witch were three tents, six tooth brushes, three mouse traps, and six batterus that go with the flash lights. After an hour really scary stuff was happening. The smell of bats flesh covered the room. strang sounds started to startel usthe light went out and the walls were being covered with green goo.
With our flash lights we set up traps and looked around the house. All of the sudden somthing naped. We looked and there was a guy that had a mouse trap on his botty. (Then he told us strang things.) Okay I admit it, I set the bet. I covered the walls with liquied. I put the trap on my but, I did the lights and creaking sounds. I guess you won the dare. Here are your rewords. 10,000.00 for each one of you. Now I have to go now because somewone else is doing a dare. bye bye!! (And that is how we won $10,000.00 today!)
The where story is riddled with praise from his teacher, what a gem she is. He received an E (wich is excellent on the scale) and he got a Good Thinking sticker too! Not only did he get those, but he got 2 handwritten notes from his teacher. One saying Very Creative Story Toad! (with a smiley face) and then at the end of the story she wrote I liked the ending- the guy having to leave for another dare.
Personally I couldn't be prouder. My little man, so creative. He had a good week last week, he's made it 5 whole days without an incident. Therefore? He gets to go rollerskating, and he can bring a friend. I figured maybe I could work two different things into this. Can I afford to take them skating? Absolutly not, will I do it anyways, and just grin and bare it? You betcha. Why? Because Toad is worth it.
Blog Note: Jenn I would have farted and then let them make out in my stench. Yeah right, I don't have the guts, but it would still have been funny!!! Don't! I've always welcomed and appreciated your advice, thanks so much for all the times you've given me the advice I needed. You have a very sensible head on your shoulders....... even if you are incurably romantic. November 12 When Sorta is a BearKnow how some days you just don't have the patients for all the stupid people in your life? Not only have I had one day like that, I've had two. It actually extends from Friday night. Dealing with the Smacktard on a Friday night is always enough to sour your night. So, I've really tried hard not to mouth off too much, or to get too upset about little things. Here are some things that have really seemed to drive me insane.
These are the things that piss me off, or that have at least pissed me off enough to grit my teeth or bite the inside of my cheek so as not to open my mouth and let loose streams of filthy vulgarity onto said love one (yes the kids included). Sometimes, I think I need a straight jacket. Most of these things are little, but they drive me crazy. Especially the people being in love, just a reminder of how utterly insignificant I can be to anyone else. I've also realized that when I talk to Zero, I feel like this all over again. I feel like I'm not important and like I really don't matter. I don't want to talk to him anymore, it breaks my heart for days afterwards. He may have made his descions in life, he may not have really cared or understood how the kids and I feel, but it doesn't make it any easier. Next time he calls? I'm not going to answer. I wish I could hate him, I really do. I wish I could erase him from my memory, or at least forget about him for awhile, it just makes the lonliness all that much harder. Why is it that everyone else can find someone except for me. I don't mind being single, I like the fact that I don't have a man yelling at me or threatening me, but it would be nice just to have someone. Someone to talk to, someone to confide in, just someone on the other side of the bed or couch would be nice. What is wrong with me!! November 11 The People that You MeetWorking temp jobs, I have come to appreciate people a little more. I've gotta good at reading people, and I've really been working on composure and on self control. It's been helping in meeting people too, making contacts, getting along with the kids and my co-workers. I met a girl that I used to go to college with, for those of you that followed me from SmilinGal it's the methhead. For those of you that don't know, she's the girl that "just loved to smoke crystal meth". It freaked me out, but I tried to be nice to her, she obviously had issues. It's not my place to judge her, but, I won't get caught up in all that evil. Anyways, I was sitting there with some of the other girls on my team yesterday, for lunch, and I heard her voice, it's unmistakable. I cringed and ducked low in my seat, hoping that she'd pass me by. My mistake! She recognized me immeadiatly, and came over to talk to me. While she walked over, I noticed that she had put on a good 30 pounds, and so now she looked normal. Maybe she had quit doing meth, or else she had learned to eat while getting high. She said that her husband was still drinking, but that they get along much better now. I told her I was finally divorced, and that the kids are getting bigger everyday. She went on to tell me that she's the leed for her team (that sits on the other side of the building). I told her that I had just started, and she told me that she was looking for full time help. She went to get boss and told her about me. I'm so excited, the prospects of a full time job really rock. Health ins, vacation, steady job, experience. All night long I've dreamed about having a full time job.
I had one dream where I had a house and a nice car, and I was complaining that I had too maybe things to do, and just didn't have enough time to sit down. Wow, like that would be bad? This new job isn't so bad. Its boring as hell though, but the company has a high turn over rate. So it probably has poor management and undedicated employees. On the flip side, it also has alot of room to move up, and with people in and out like a revolving door, I might be able to work my way up into a company. It's somthing to think about at least. I need to get a few things together to take with me though, like some NoDoz...... maybe it'll keep me awake (just kidding)> |
I'm a hormonal angry lonley sad basket case! If I didn't know better, I'd say I have PMS>|
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