Yay It's Saturday!!!!  All week long i've b een waiting for this day!  What a long week.  Have I mentioned how much i love my job?  I really really do, as long as no one else in the office talks to me or others me.  All these really rude people, b itching at each other.  the few people that i do like?  well, let's just say, i like them because i don't know them very well.  Which makes me bitchy and i tend to get stressed out when i get bitchy, and then i get these damn headaches.  I still havn't lost it yet.  it's always there in teh back of my mimnd, nagging like an old lady on the pot needing toilet paper. 

ive been reading alot again.  i seem to go on spurts.  dvr'd tv, movies, and books.  I guess you could say, i like to sit around  LOL.  mos tpeople like excirsizing, cooking, o rmaybe whittling!  Not me I like to sit on my big fat butt and watch TV!  (or read). 

Today, i have to do laundry, its been cold and i havn't wanted to get out of the house for anything extra (unless nessessary, like something imortant). 

Toad is still doing well with his father.  they are spending alot of time together.  his dad bought him a video game.  crash.  the problem is?  joshua has done nothing but play video games.  school work isn't getting done.  chores aren't getting done.  he's staying up 1/2 the night wide awake in bed.  Howwever on the flip side of that.  i've never seen toad so happy.  he says "dad" like a good thing now, instead of "dad" being spit out of his mouth like a bad word.  bug and tude had their halloween party at school.  i didn't get to go, that whole work thing.  but it was fun listening to them talk about it.  maybe i'll go to the christmas one.  work is really crazy sometimes, and i have prblems finding time to be away from work.  Not because of my choice believe me.  Have I mentioned that work is really kicking my ass?

I met teh Doc (the chiropractor) for lunch yesterday afternoon.  actually, we met for a bowl of chips and 2 sodas.  LOL.  we got to talkin about movies and i completely lost track of time.  I was 15 mintues late coming back from lunch.  Thank god my boss wasn't sitting in my chair.  That would have been the end of my "light and healthy" lunch.  LOL. 

Today, my house needs some TLC.  Dusty and grime everwhere, my new place is so cute when it's all fixed up.  not bad of chips on the table, empty pop can sitting on a chair, kids school papers scattered all of the place.  Ithink there is a 1/2 a bag of donuts floating around this house somewhere too.  Toad is going to work with his dad today, and Bug is going on an outting with a classmate (and then returning for a sleep over).  his friends family is picking bug up at 6pm to go.  So toad lives in about a hour, even though they should have left at 6am.  Maybe I'm just old fashoined about weekend work though.  get up and get it done early.  don't sleep 1/2 the day away and then expect to get anythhhng done.  (lilmiss ally-tude just asked me: as you writing to yourself because your upset?)  sheesh, that kid!  time tto go play super-mommy!!

ive been fighting a huge headache.  been fighting it for 3 days now.  the first night, if i would have felt better i would have drove myself to the ER.  luckily i had super-toad to help me.  my friend gloss who lives upstairs watched the younger two for me so that I could get some rest.  light senbsitivity, smelly smells, and sensitive ears.  ocmbine all of those things and you have one sick girl. 

 

i felt better after i wrote my last blog entry.  i didn't realize how much crap i keep pent up inside my little head.  sometimes it helps to get it all out sometimes.  Till Lil bit called and said "u were pregnant?"  i wanted to hit him.  if he would have been clsoer i might have.  stupid drunk boy (rolls her eyes)  we are gearing up for halloween.  tomarrow i need to start sewing tude's outfit together, bug is just going to  have makeup, and toad is saying he's too old for trick or treating.  bug is going to be some type of scarey ninja, and tude is going to be a fairy.  l"like tinkerbell mom- but not tinkerbell".  i have a halloween shirt to ewear to work, so that will be cool.  my mom got the kids halloween shirts too.  they are going to be so cute!!!   i need to get some orange ribbon for ally-tude's hair.  we still havn't decorated for halloween yet.  i don't know if we will this year.  seems to be a big waste, we aren't even home much lately. 

in other news, thanksgiving is coming up and so is christmas.  even better news?  Lil Bit is coming home on December 05(ish).  he'd going to be stationed in kansas!  Yay!  be good to see  his old ass again!

In other enws, i have had 2 dates with the chiropractor now.  he's ok i uess.  there aren't many sparks.  we ahve great conversation though, he's very intelligent.  and he has a great sence of humor!  however, he has these annoying little habits..... we'll see how it goes.

Ever sence Toad started talking to Dale, I've been in a downward spirla.  It brings up old hurts and haunts that I have pushed back for years and years.  I know that I have told the story about my adoption.  However, maybe it's time I just do this instead of stupid litle stories.  Maybe it's time just to let it all out.  So here goes the story, for whats its worth.  Famous last words of a fool.

 

I had a decent childhood.. I really did.  Grew up in a small town.  Played softball, went to town fairs.  Met an older boy and thought I had fallen in love, teenage style in the front seat of his brothers truck.  Met little bit before that, but didn't know him like that til my sophmore year of highschool.  Needless to say, lil bit and i were very much in love, so i thought.  my parents where splitting up then.  my dad was an alcoholic and when he drank he swang his belt too much.  my step mother had grown cold and distant to me over the years.  i never felt like i belong with anyone or anything.  i felt like i was the lone soldier.  fighting this was called life.  Lil bit felt the same way, at some points i wondered if everyone felt like we did, but that didn't come till much later.  things ended badly between me and my dad, and lil bit moved out of his mothers house and basically became homeless with me.  to protect me, to show me that he really did love me.  a few years went by.  I got pregnant.  Lil Bit and I did, we were so happy,.  Finally a family, one of our own.  to us, we weren't normal 17-18 year olds.  to us, we had lived life enough to know what the difference was between being a child and being more.  When i went to the ER they said that i had been 4 1/2 months along.  I don't know if there were right, i was thinking almost 3 months along.  I had serious female issues, and lil bit had a problem of his own.  all that time we had sex, we never took procautions.  we wanted this, and i belikeve to this day we did.  We couldn't get pregnant again.  Bit was torn up about it, and i was too.  he was so upset, it's like he looked through me after that.  I started seeing other men, to sleep with them.  i just wanted a family so bad, one that was ine and one that would love me forever.  they would never leave me, i would love them and show my family what loeve was and how to love one another.

Bit and I grew farther and farther apart.  i couldn't take the loneliness anymore, i couldn't take how alone i felt.  in arkansas, the only family around was bit's and they couldn't stand me.  i don't know if they hated me, but they definetly did not accept me, or even enjoy my company. 

I met a guy down there, mark.  he fell for me, and i told him i didn't want anything romantic with him, i loved someone else.  he threatened to tell bit.  i had cheated once befor and knew that bit would leave me.  he had told me in no uncertain terms .   I'll never forget it.  the look on his face.  "Stacey, I love you, I can't do this.  If you love me swear to me, swear to me you'll never do this again... I won't come looking for you, i won't talk to you, i'll forget you".  and I believed him.  so instead of owning up to my responcibility, i left.  i went back to R-Town, and then I went to oregon for a couple months.  the first few weeks in oregon, there were terrible.  I cried and cried.  I didn't get out of bed for the first 2 weeks.  I just cried.  I got up when everyone else was at work, or when i knew they would be asleep.  I was a shell.  I was just a big glob of mush with frizzy hair and existed, but that couldn't live without m y other half.  Suicide crossed my mind alot back then.  different ways, different things to do.  step in front of a bus, drown in my uncles hot tub, gun shot to the head (although i didn't like that, too messy, too much work).  i did eventually find a job.  i worked in a tshirt factory.  worked for an arab (before they were called terrorists).  at first he was cool, brought me a soda on break, talked to me about my life.  till one day while i was in his office he took off his shirt and sat in front of me, he wanted me to rub his back.  he told me he'd pay me extra on my check.  the man was married, had a baby on the way.  i was young and scared.  i did it, i rubbed his back.  I didn't rub anything below the shoulder blades, but the moaning and grinding of his teeth was enough to know that what i was doing was wrong.  small town farm girl was not doing right.  It went on like that for a month.  i never told anything to anyone at that time.  my dad had lost his job.  we were living off of my income.  we werent doing great on money and I knew that I needed to make more.  i mentioned to my boss.  he offered me more money if i would rub him in "other places".  I consented (over the pone) and then went to finish dinner with my family.  I sat next to my dad.  my grandparents were there (before granpa died-which still kills me) my uncles and aunt and their two children, myself and my dad.  I said that i needed to say something.  and then i blurted it all out.   right there at dinner.  my uncle and dad were pissed.  i thought my grandpa was going to have a stroke.  my grams face turned to stone, while my two cousins, still young enough to be innocent, started in wonder and hourror.  i went to pick up my final check and my uncle went with me.  i never went back to work ther and my dad and i came home.  hoem to r-town.  when we came back, my i felt this need to find my sisters.  i coudn't be without them.  my step mother had shown me through the years how much she realoly didn't care for me.  i heard her tell her sister a few times that she couldn't stand "that bastard".  I knew she was talking aboout me.  i was the bastard, no mom, only my dad and her??!  it made sence to me then.  i went to find my sisters.  i drove country roads in warsaw, where they werre living, in the ozarks.  i just wanted acceptence.  i wanted to see them to touch them, to know that i wasn't really alone.  even though all this time with my dad, i still felt alone.  i had met my real mom by then.  i felt i had the right.  i coudln have 2 moms, what could be better!  little did i know that my step mom would disown me for it, because she felt slighted.  i know i hurt her, and i didn't mean to.   i was just so aone, so very sad and lonely.  at this point, i turned up just her telling me to get lost, to take a hike, she didn't want me, and that my sisters didn't either. 

I had made a padcct to myself.  I would have a family.  or it would kill me.  i couldn't live through life like this.  i couldn't be alone anymore, it was too much and i was done trying and fighting.  I remember the pact very well.  I would do it.  I would jump off an overpass and stright into the path of a semi.  I would be killed instantly, i wouldn't survive.  none of this living in a veggie-state or putting my "family" through anymore than they needed to.  they would put me in the ground and move on, within a few months it would be like i hadn't existed.  (dear god this is hard to tell).  I would be out of my misery.  The only thing that would save me, is a family.  love.  companionship, loyalty.  i had lost all of that.  all that i held dear, all that i loved and cherished.  i coulnd't be a functioning person worth a damn without those qualities.

The day that i made that pact with myself, it was 8:00am.  by 10pm i was in the arms of toad's biological father Dale.  i told Dale i didn't want him, i just "needed" him.  he took it as love, i took it as "just sleep with me" and i didn't care.  after about 10 minutes being aroudn this guy I really couldn't stand him, but i put on a front.  no other prospects in site, i was biding my time.  90 days.  3 months.  after 3 months, if nothing then ok, the choice has been made.  i didn't pray, there was no need, it was just the way it was for me.  and it all seemed so clear.  ii missed my first period, and took a test.  it showed positive.  i moved in with dale.  we lived in Polo, which is about 15 min north of R-twon.  which is literally in the middle of nowherre, and we lived 15 minutes west of that!  we lived on 120 acres.  he would be gone for a few days at a time, no phone, no car, but i had food and shelter.  i preferred it that way.  i didn't have prenatal care till i was 5 months pregnant.  there was no way.  my dad had gotten mad that iw as pregnant by a moron, and refused to come out to see me.  and that was fine with me too.  i had all that i needed.  those 9 months were the happiest of my life.  i had purpose i had meaning!  I had a reason to live.  i had found my tao, and all of the wonders associated with it.  dale wasnt' supportive, i didn't care.  i had my baby.  i felt myself living again.  humming to myself, talking to the baby, rubbing lotion on my swollen belly, talking about names.  all alone, and happier than thell.  dale really resented the fact that i cut him out of it.  when i told him i wanted to leave him, i was 9 months pregnant, due any days.  he told me that he'd never let me leave with them baby he'd kill me first.  it didn't matter at that point, i knew that i would have to leave like befor, just do it.  and i did.  aft   toad was born in the middle of an ice storm, took us 3 hours to get to the hospital.  but we did it.  too k me 3 days to have him and then another full week in the hosital afterwards.  when toad was 5 months old, i conned dale to take me to town (with the baby) and then asked him for the car keys to listen to the radio, and then i drove off and left him there.  i waved as i left.  g   in my mind, "good ridence".  i was moving on.  and i did.

i met satan (my exhusband) and had a coupe more kids.  tried to raise my family the best i could under the circumstance. 

flashforward to prsent day...

toad was damaged by satan.  satan belittled him and abused him.  treated him wrongly and accused him of horrid and terrible things.  told him i'm not your dad, tell your mom to find another sucker to be your father.  little bastartd!  even after i left himm, it still didn't stop.  he hated me and knew the best was to hurt me was through the kids.  he coudn't do that to his own kids, so he did that to mine.  i hated him for that, i still do.  so does toad.  it's starting to show.  toad is being disrespectful to the teachers and school and acting out toward the male teachers.  ive been taking him to a therapist.  the doc says that he has an abandonment issues.  that he feels detached and worthless sometimes and that he needs to have more love and patiance.  he also wanted to meet his real dad.  dale was all that josh wanted.  the acceptanc e and the love that only dale could give.  all these years i had been trying to love him enough and all these years of loyalty and dedication.  and i wasn't enoughl.  yeah dale and toad seem to be haiving a good relationship.  toad has unrealistic goals and i pray every night that dale doesn't let him down.  just to not hurt my baby.  and then it hit me. the throwing up.  the headaches.  ive literally been sicker than hell for 2 weeks.  people ask me whats wrong and i tell them nothing, and they just look at me with such pity.  they don't know me, they don't know all of this, quit looking at me like that!!!   i want to be left alone.  i cry all the time, i had a dream about my step mother, first one i've had in a long time.  i couldn't have been older than 4 or 5, but she was brushing my hair and rocking the baby.  who would have been my sister Chris.  all these years i thought that i had my family.  MY family.  one of love and loyalty and commitment, and now, i find out it was all a facade.  it wasn't real.  even my baby sister RiRi and I havn't spoken in years now.  and i miss her, but she won't talk to me.  i want to scream at my step mom who adopted me.  scream at herj "how could you do this to me!  i was a child i needed you!!  you hateful bitch!"  !!!   i want to run to little bit and throw myself in his arms and cry till i have no more tears.  i want to hold my holdest boy and rock him but he doesn't want me anymore.  i refuse to get the same attitude that my adopted mom had.  i want to be able to love everyone and not turn them away because i'm angry or hurt.  most of all, i just want everything to be normal again.  to be happy and flow smoothly, and not to have all these people trying to but in.  i don't hate dale.  i just worry about my son.  and i don't hate my eveil stoep mom, but it's easier to say that than to say she destroyed my sence of loyality and family.  i don't want to blame my dad, because he did what he knew how to do, right or wrong. 

I don't know where i'm going anymore.  life is out of my control, and i don't know which way is up.  i feel all these emotions that i havn't felt in years.  and i'm trying to help towad, showing him i know what it's like, i've been there.  but he doesn't care he's young.  and i feel soo damn alone, so alone that you would have no idea.  the only one that i want to talk to about it is lil bit, and i can't bring myself to put it into workds for him. 

I know that things will look brighter on another day, but for right now, i think it's killing me all over again.  Love, Loyalty, Compassion, and Love.  The basic buildling bricks of a family, and all of my stones seem to be crumbling.

Toadman has been having problems at school.  Defiant, moody, tardy on a constant basis.  Middle School is really hard, i remember.  Toad's goes a little deeper than that.  His therapist has been sayin gthat he's been talking about his .  He has his big brother, he has my dad.  For Toad, I guess that hasn't been enough.  So I did what the therapist asked me about, i got ahold of Dale, Toad's real dad.  Dale and Toad talked on the phone for  weeks or so, then all of a sudden, they met.  Toad has been on cloud nine, toad is so forgiving and accepting.  I personally hate dale.  he's neve rbeen there for toad, never was never was.  Now all of sudden he wants to start calling him dad, and he wants to spend time with him.  I don't know if Dale will stick around, I dodn't know if this is going to last very long.  I'm nervous, consantly waiting for th other shoe to drop.  It's making me sick, was home sick on wednesday, then came hom eyesterday from work, I had thrown up and wet my pants.  Pretty freakin sweet eh?  I was so humiliated. 

I had also decided that the kids and I should start attending church again.  why not?  we are a family, and sometimes we do need spiritual guidence, just like everyone else.  I took the kids to breakfast after church, posted below is the picture that we got from there.  I do have to get ready for work, maybe i'll write more later.

Put in 11 hours today.  talk about a long day.  Needless to say, I really didn't feel like cooking!  Whats the best thing to do on a tuesday night?  Pizza Street of course!  Kits 2-9 eat free!!   Toad is 11 now, so he's full price.  but it's still a good deal.  Pizza street is an all you can eat pizza joint!  Thank god too.  TOadman ate 10 plates of pizza.  10 plates!!!  thats not counting ice cream and soda!  I do believe that kid is going to eat me out of house and home.  His voice is cracking now, puberty is kicking in.  He's still short for his age, but he's getting kidna chubby, in other workds he's getting ready to grow again!!I was running late last friday morning and grabbed socks and some shoes and ran out the door.  got to the new daycare to drop off the kids, and went to put the shoes on.  they felt funny, but they fit fine.  I got out of the car and looked down?  they were toad's shoes!!!  my son has the same size feet that i do.  and i don't have tiny feet.  i wear an 8 1/2!

 

 

Here is our conversatio at that day:

 

Me: (caloling on my way to work):  Toad I think i've got your shoes on

Toad: so what am i supposed to wear

me: wear your old shoes

toad: they are dirty and they don't match

me: then wear my shoes

toad: mom are you crazy?

me: maybe put shoes on and get to the bus stop

toad: can i wear the red heels?

me: if it gets you to school, it's your feet

toad: yeah i'll get beat up wearing girl shoes, you better not do this again

me:  better hurry your going to be late!

toad: it's gonna be hard to run in high heels but i think i'll be ok    gotta go lova ya bye

 

 

he's got a great sence of humor, but somehow him joking about wearing my red strappy sandles .... well.... its doesn't sit very well... even though he was joking   

I can't believe it's already October!  Seems like this year has just flown by.  I know I havn't been writing.  I havn't known what to write about.  Actually, I'v e had alot to write about!  Just havn't known how to put it into words.  I figured out that Lil Bit, has never changed.  He's still the self righteous hypricritical snot nosed brat that he always was.  I fell in love with that?!?!  been talkin to the Denny's Boy briefly (Danger will robinson danger). 

 

In other news the kids are doing great.  Middle School agrees with the Toad, and Bug and Tude are loving their new elementary school!  Work is going and going.  They are moving my area to a different area (did that make sence?).  Yes I still plan on building another blog.... i just had 9 pending requests for my writing, nice to be loved.  when i get the new blog up and going 'll let ya knoww